Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband called me a d*ck

216 replies

TeenyQueen · 24/02/2020 08:56

I am currently super tired, love being at home with DD but she's going through a sleep regression and growth spurt so my sleep is very broken and I find it very hard to nap during the day. On top of this I had to take DD on a full day trip to attend an important appointment in London on Friday, so I spent the whole day travelling with her on my own. DH was away for work for 2 days so I was still on my own with her the day after our long and exhausting day trip. So basically I was really tired this weekend.

Dh wanted to go food shopping yesterday and whilst we were there I was pushing the trolley (and DD) and DH asked me to go get something from the other side of the shop. Since I was pushing the trolley and looking after DD I said he should get it himself. He got cranky and said he was going to make dinner and I wouldn't get any if I didn't get him this thing, I said fine. I unloaded, packed and paid for all the shopping and carried it to the car. Later on we end up having an argument and DH said that I was being a dick and that I was a dick. We have a daughter so I was very upset and pointed out that it was inappropriate to call me names in front of our child. I also asked him if he thought it would be right for a boyfriend or husband to call our daughter a dick when she's older.

He later on said I wouldn't get any of the dinner he'd cooked unless I apologised to him.

Eventually he said he wanted to move on from this but I'm still upset that he'd speak to me that way, and being petty by saying I shouldn't have dinner. I think he feels bad about it now but he's very bad at admitting when he's in the wrong, or was I being BU?

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/02/2020 12:52

If any of the dickhead apologists have a valid reason why the DH in question couldn’t get the item himself instead of throwing a tantrum and leaving OP to do everything else, I’d like to hear it?

Well, someone had to get it so I suppose the DH could be on here arguing that while he was getting other things he asked his wife to go and pick up one thing from the shopping list and she refused. Who knows the context of this? Maybe they could both have stood in the shop looking at each other likes one weird stand off on the premise that both of them have arms and legs.

I would love to.witnesd how other MN posters argue with their spouses because it seems on here that any mild dispute is branded abusive or controlling. Seriously, most arguments between partners are.petty and many probably in:volve some minor name calling or derogatory comment. It's the context and the shape of the relationship.overall that's important though isn't it, not just 1 snapshot.of 1 minor incident?

Willow2017 · 24/02/2020 12:52

so, saying you couldn’t go and get the thing because you’re tired because of no sleep is a bit strange to me (I have a 10 month old, I get tired too), if you were out doing the shopping with him then I don’t think he should assume you’re too exhausted to walk across the shop.
Why the hell should op.push a trolley full of shoppung and a child to.the other end of the shop when her oh is perfectly capable of getting it himself and far quicker too? Whete was he when op was doing all the unloading/reloading of trolley and carrying to car?

Why is he tired? He gets tp slerp.all night and do sod all child care while op us knackered from sleepless nights and doing everything at home.

Telling op she isnt getting food he has made because she didnt jump to.it when he said so.and calling her names is not thd actions of a good dp. Its petty and controlling. Why didnt he go.and do the shopping with dd himself and give op a rest?

Shitty behaviour from.him and the ''poor man must be tired bless him" brigade are out to blame op for it.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/02/2020 12:56

Why the hell should op.push a trolley full of shoppung and a child to.the other end of the shop

Well the logical answer is to leave the trolley and baby with the husband and go off to get the item.

Why is he tired?

Maybe because he's working all week? Maybe he isn't sleeping well at night either because he's stressed or worried? What you're saying then is that no woman on MN can complain that she's tired from working all week unless she's up at night with a baby? I work, my children are adults and have left home, I go to bed at 8pm and get up at 6am - I am exhausted constantly.

Lamplighter234 · 24/02/2020 13:00

What was stopping him from getting the thing frim the other side of the supermarket? Refusing to give you any food is terrible, and punishing your baby too if they’re BF ☹️.
He sounds like a complete arse tbh And I bet this isn’t the first time he’s been mean spirited like this.

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2020 13:06

@billy1966

Nailed it.

A decent husband would have gone food shopping on his own. Why did you both need to go?

Well the logical answer is to leave the trolley and baby with the husband and go off to get the item.

Or he goes and fetches it his bloody self!

And withholding food as a punishment? Sod that!

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2020 13:07

I unloaded, packed and paid for all the shopping and carried it to the car

I forgot that bit.

What was he doing whilst you were doing that?

Morporkia · 24/02/2020 13:13

DH and I have been married 20 odd years and had many arguments. He has called me names, I have called him many many names. Not once has he EVER threatened to withhold food or anything else to get me to obey him. Nor has he ever expected an apology when I’m not at fault. There have been times when shopping he’ll ask me to grab him something from the other end of the shop because I will know exactly where it is, whereas he’d be wandering around like a fart in a trance for 20 minutes. But if I said no I cba..off he’ll trot to get it himself. It’s what normal, reasonable adults di

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/02/2020 13:14

A decent husband would have gone food shopping on his own. Why did you both need to go?

Or a SAHM would have got the shopping during the week?

Or he goes and fetches it his bloody self!

Sure. Or she could have gone and got it. Both equally capable. Why do think it should have been him rather than her?

And withholding food as a punishment? Sod that

Did he ban her from having any food then? Did he actually with old the food or was it, you know, just a throw away comment in the heat of an argument? I've had a row with my husband and told him that he could walk home rather than come in the car with me. I didn't do it though because it was just a stupid row over nothing.

combatbarbie · 24/02/2020 13:14

You wouldn't be getting dinner unless you apologised??? WTF.... Did you apologise?

The initial comment I could have overseen.... But not the but about dinner.

Id stop doing everything for the family that directly affects him, his laundry, his dinner etc until he stops being a dick.

maa1992 · 24/02/2020 13:16

Tbh, I wouldn't accept being called a dick either. Also it's very childish to not give you some dinner because he cooked it.

I'd tell him to grow up and explain you're tired and you need a break and you don't appreciate being called a dick

flower1994 · 24/02/2020 13:17

Hearhoovesthinkzebras forgive us mortals who are surviving on 4 hours broken sleep if we dont immediately get the violins out for your 10 hour slumber. and fyi I usually work full time too and can safely say I was never anywhere near as tired as I am now I have a baby. stay at home parent is working too lol just unpaid. so when do we get a break? or does the main caregiver not matter because they arent doing a proper job because it's not a paid one? strange comments from you have to say

Quartz2208 · 24/02/2020 13:18

The initial argument I have to say is normal with 2 adults but the fact he wanted to punish you by no dinner is awful. Its a punishment for an argument and now he is refusing to speak

I would move to relationships and talk about a bigger picture

Brazi103 · 24/02/2020 13:19

Yanbu at all. Dh and I never use name calling or swear words on each other. Ever. I would be very hurt if this happened to me. and to deny you supper. who does he he think he is.

flower1994 · 24/02/2020 13:19

oh my bad @Hearhoovesthinkzebras I've just seen were supposed to be doing the shopping as were not doing anything else with our time! what era are you living in Hmm

BrimfulofSasha · 24/02/2020 13:20

You both sound like dicks- you do realise working away isn't a jolly and is tiring for him too.
If you start having arguments like it's the tired olympics it's very hard to get back to respecting each other.

Also shopping is, for a lot of people, a 1 person job- why did you all have to go if it wasn't to help each other out with the process.

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2020 13:21

Or a SAHM would have got the shopping during the week?

You did see that he is getting his full quota of rest every night and the OP is not?

Sure. Or she could have gone and got it. Both equally capable. Why do think it should have been him rather than her?

Because he wanted it and he's unencumbered by trolley or DC

Did he ban her from having any food then? Did he actually with old the food or was it, you know, just a throw away comment in the heat of an argument? I've had a row with my husband and told him that he could walk home rather than come in the car with me. I didn't do it though because it was just a stupid row over nothing.

The OP clearly thought he would carry it out. And it's very mean-spirited.

Thetigeronthewobbelboard · 24/02/2020 13:21

The ‘dick’ comment wouldn’t be an issue but telling me I wasn’t getting dinner multiple times like a child (40 years’ ago!) would for me.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 24/02/2020 13:26

I know loads of women who have refused to give their partner dinner because they've argued. We see it as advice given here all the time. I don't know what the balance is like for the rest of your relationship?

We have 3 under 5 including a 5month old breastfed baby and there's no way I'd let dp sleep in another room so he can have a full nights sleep undisturbed! It shouldn't just be the woman's life changing after a baby. He can't feed but he can change and settle the baby. We both work outside of the home so I feel it's only fair!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/02/2020 13:27

flower1994

I don't see why you need to be sarcastic. I've been the SAHM. I've been up multiple times at night feeding babies, I breast fed my dd until she was 3 and a half - didn't get 1 nights unbroken sleep in all of that time. I get it. But being at home, particularly with just one child, is not necessarily any more difficult or tiring than working full time. I was a staff nurse when I had my DC and being at home with them was a million times easier and less stressful than having the responsibility of ward full of patients on my shoulders for 12 hours.

The op is tired but I don't think it's unimaginable that so too is her husband. As for your sarcastic comment about my being tired on 10 hours a night sleep - I have a serious medical condition and take a lot of medication that makes me feel unwell. There are many reasons why people might be tired. Sony getting enough sleep doesn't mean that you can't still be tired.

Maybe he's got a stressful job, maybe he's having to do a lot of traveling, maybe he's stressed about being the sole wage earner. It's just dismissive of op to say that he gets to sleep at night so can't be tired.

SweetNorthernRose · 24/02/2020 13:27

YABU for going to the supermarket with him in the first place, why couldn't he have gone on his own? It's not like it's a 2 man job or a nice day out!
The dick thing wouldn't bother me too much (I would make sure he was aware he was the one being a dick) but the control over the food and the way he's made out you're the one in the wrong is definitely out of order.

HillAreas · 24/02/2020 13:28

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras
So he could have just got it then, not thrown a strop, not insulted his wife, and this whole silly episode needn’t have happened. 👏🏻

PumpkinP · 24/02/2020 13:30

But if both imo. Why go shopping with him if you wasn’t going to help with it? If I went shopping with someone and they asked me to grab something I wouldn’t be offended. Isn’t that the point of shopping Confused and I don’t get the “why couldn’t he get it himself”
Comments, I assumed they were both doing the shopping so it’s not unreasonable to ask someone to get something. Some of these comments you would think he was sat in the cafe whilst op was left to do all the shopping Hmm it was ONE thing.

Dontdisturbmenow · 24/02/2020 13:31

As always, he probably has a different version of the event and probably a reasonable reason to ask OP to get that ingredient. It's amazing how arguments evolves from such petty events and a need to compete as to who is harder done by.

Calling you such name is totally unacceptable. Whether he had a good reason to end up so angry, who knows!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/02/2020 13:32

I've just seen were supposed to be doing the shopping as were not doing anything else with our time! what era are you living in hmm

I've been a SAHM. I know what it entails. You do not spend 10 hours a day caring for your child. I would go out, meet friends, meet family, go on days out, put the kids in the crèche at the gym so I could workout - did my DH have that freedom while he was at work? No. The least that I could do was run the hoover round and do an on line shop so that in the evening, or at the weekend, he could enjoy being with the children.

PumpkinP · 24/02/2020 13:34

Bit of *