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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband called me a d*ck

216 replies

TeenyQueen · 24/02/2020 08:56

I am currently super tired, love being at home with DD but she's going through a sleep regression and growth spurt so my sleep is very broken and I find it very hard to nap during the day. On top of this I had to take DD on a full day trip to attend an important appointment in London on Friday, so I spent the whole day travelling with her on my own. DH was away for work for 2 days so I was still on my own with her the day after our long and exhausting day trip. So basically I was really tired this weekend.

Dh wanted to go food shopping yesterday and whilst we were there I was pushing the trolley (and DD) and DH asked me to go get something from the other side of the shop. Since I was pushing the trolley and looking after DD I said he should get it himself. He got cranky and said he was going to make dinner and I wouldn't get any if I didn't get him this thing, I said fine. I unloaded, packed and paid for all the shopping and carried it to the car. Later on we end up having an argument and DH said that I was being a dick and that I was a dick. We have a daughter so I was very upset and pointed out that it was inappropriate to call me names in front of our child. I also asked him if he thought it would be right for a boyfriend or husband to call our daughter a dick when she's older.

He later on said I wouldn't get any of the dinner he'd cooked unless I apologised to him.

Eventually he said he wanted to move on from this but I'm still upset that he'd speak to me that way, and being petty by saying I shouldn't have dinner. I think he feels bad about it now but he's very bad at admitting when he's in the wrong, or was I being BU?

OP posts:

shinyredbus · 24/02/2020 09:18

Not a big deal to me but appreciate might be to you. You’re both tired. Pick your battles - is this a hill you want to die on?

Her0utdoors · 24/02/2020 09:19

I'm currently divorcing my h. This is his pattern of behaviour. Any hint that I'm not performing my appoined role of subsevient wife and mother is met with insults and verbal aggression. How very dare I not cope with 2 children, 2 businesses, running a home, including all the diy/organising trades/caring for his dig, adapting to his disabilities and heaven forfend doing anything for my self! He conciders himself one of the 'good ones', if course.

Darbs76 · 24/02/2020 09:19

You’re not making a mountain out of a molehill. He is the dick. Why should you have been the one to get the item? How dare he say you can’t have any dinner unless you apologise when you didn’t do anything. If anyone needs to apologise it’s him. I bet you do most of the cooking and cleaning and childcare. I’d be really annoyed at him too

flower1994 · 24/02/2020 09:19

TeenyQueen that's exactly what I read it as because I'm in the same situation, it's more the feeling taken for granted and then on top of that feeling like dh is further taken the piss then the actual word 'dick' itself. I do totally relate - I ebf and my partner doesnt help during the night either. Its crap being sleep deprived but I keep telling myself its just a phase and will get better x

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2020 09:26

He sounds 14.

Is this typical?

Upsiedasie · 24/02/2020 09:30

Sounds very tit for tat to me. The not giving you dinner thing is obviously a throw away comment said in an argument. Saying he’s controlling is way OTT based on one piece of info!!

Also, saying you couldn’t go and get the thing because you’re tired because of no sleep is a bit strange to me (I have a 10 month old, I get tired too), if you were out doing the shopping with him then I don’t think he should assume you’re too exhausted to walk across the shop.

I think you were both being a bit childish and had a silly argument, you could both have easily gotten the thing. I’m not seeing red flags (unless there’s a massive sinister backstory).

Upsiedasie · 24/02/2020 09:31

Oh, calling you a dick is out of order though. He owes you an apology.

Friendsofmine · 24/02/2020 09:34

I think you have to work on those loving feelings for each other. You both sounds resentful and lonely.

MatildaTheCat · 24/02/2020 09:36

You need to get him involved in a few of the nights. Sounds like he has no concept of how tired it makes you to be woken over and over again.

Threatening you with no food is very mean minded and if you are breastfeeding he’s also threatening your DD. I don’t suppose he’d have carried it out but not a good look.

Have a discussion when you’ve both calmed down. For a start why didn’t he just do the shopping with DD to give you a break? Time to reconsider some of your habits.

notforonesecond · 24/02/2020 09:37

Not necessarily the point but...why did you and dd have to go to the supermarket with him at all?

In fact, if it were my DH he’d have taken dd and let me have an hours rest.

I don’t really think him calling you a dick is that big of a deal by itself but it sounds like you’re not getting the support from him that you need me deserve overall. Is it worth sitting him down and trying to explain that?

MummySharn · 24/02/2020 09:37

I think he’s acted really immaturely. Is this a one off or is he always line this?

GinDrinker00 · 24/02/2020 09:39

Pick your battles. Sounds very tit for tat to me, both of you need to grow up a bit or get a decent nights sleep.

redwinefine · 24/02/2020 09:39

YANBU. He shouldn't be calling you names - especially not in front of your daughter. Good on you for standing up for yourself.

LagunaBubbles · 24/02/2020 09:42

Not really understanding why he couldn't get it himself?

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2020 09:44

Not necessarily the point but...why did you and dd have to go to the supermarket with him at all?
This

slipperywhensparticus · 24/02/2020 09:47

Did he allow you food in the end?

Bluntness100 · 24/02/2020 09:47

Seems like you’re both having a go at each other, typical petty argument op.

FizzyIce · 24/02/2020 09:50

I’m pleasantly surprised by how level headed and normal the replies are so far .
Was expecting a lot of “LTB” and how he’s a controlling monster .
It sounds like you were both partly to blame and both stressed in different ways.
My dh and I have called each other a lot worse in the past ! Dick is a term of endearment in this house

annamie · 24/02/2020 09:51

How was OP to blame?

MouthBreathingRage · 24/02/2020 09:55

Not necessarily the point but...why did you and dd have to go to the supermarket with him at all?

This was going to be my question. Actually, my question was going to be 'why didn't he take your daughter and do the shopping whilst you had 5 minutes to yourself'.

Beau20 · 24/02/2020 09:59

OP your partner sounds like the dick here!

So he called you a dick, no drama really?? Me and my OH call each others names all the time, most of the time harmless.

HOWEVER, telling you you can't eat what he cooked??? WTF. What a nob honestly. You sleep in a separate room so that your darling partner can have a good nights sleep??? He tells you to go and get him something while shopping? No sorry. He's controlling. He sounds like he has a childish stop when he doesn't get what he wants.

You need to take control of this situation and don't let him walk all over you.

billy1966 · 24/02/2020 10:03

To recap OP.

You are breastfeeding.

In a separate room.

He gets unbroken sleep.

You get little sleep.

You have had the baby on your own for several days, including travelling.

He asks you to walk across the shop when you are exhausted.

He threatens no to cook and give you dinner.

He calls you names.

The mother of his child who is shattered from doing everything.

Let's be crystal clear OP.

He's a nasty, mean little man.

He's not kind.

He's not thoughtful.

He's selfish.

He's showing you exactly who he is.

I bet this is NOT a one off.

You mind yourself OP.

You protect yourself OP.

Because that waste of space is a mean selfish little man who definitely does not have your back.

You need to have a very hard think about what you want from your life going forward.

Get support IRL.

Communicate with him EXACTLY what has to change.

Make an exit plan if he doesn't step up.

DaffodilsAndDandelions · 24/02/2020 10:09

@TeenyQueen
I’m with you on this one. Your husband shouldn’t ever call you names. Well done for asking if he thought it would be acceptable for yours DDs future partner to call her names. Hopefully that will make him think.

Blackandgreenteas · 24/02/2020 10:10

He sounds like an absolute dick!

Why were you having to push the trolley and dd while he did what, just amble along freely beside you? Why couldn’t he go and get the thing?

And threatening to withhold food from you, a bf mother, is absolutely awful! “You do as I say or else you won’t be fed” is terrible. I know you could have accessed other food, but this was presumably the one way in which he was pulling something of his weight and looking after you.

I really think even if you are bf he should make some effort either to do the settling at night or have the baby on weekend mornings so you can sleep. You must be exhausted!

I’m fuming on your behalf and it’s certainly not a mountain out of a molehill.

LannieDuck · 24/02/2020 10:14

Why didn't he get it himself?

Why didn't he go shopping by himself (with your DD?) so you could have a break?

Why does he feel he can tell you what to you, and you need to apologise if you don't obey him?

Why does he think he can punish you by saying you can't have dinner? That's not much of a team.

I agree with you - he doesn't appreciate everything you do. He doesn't understand how bad sleep deprivation is because he's been fully insulated from it. Can you express milk? If you can, build up enough for a couple of bottles, and he can do a couple of the overnight feeds. Will do him the world of good.

Also, make sure you go out by yourself sometimes at the weekend and leave him with DD.

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