To think that wedding registeries are outdated?

[GingaNinja84]

Trying to explain this to my mum is a nightmare.

Getting married next February after seven years of living together. We have everything we need after living together for so long.....however, for our honeymoon we have our sights set on a long weekend in Singapore next year for the Formula 1 Grand Prix.

My mum says it's rude to ask for money and she can't believe I'd ever even consider something like that. She says I should make a registry with Amazon and if people want to give money instead they can send a cheque. But I shouldn't be asking.

AIBU here to think that a registry is slightly outdated now? I see her point in that I could use it as a chance to get nicer versions of things we already have (Le Creuset casserole dish instead of my old TK Maxx special etc....)....we just don't value material possessions that much! I'd kill to see the Grand Prix in Singapore. Even if each guest gave £5 we'd have enough to cover the grandstand tickets.

Am I being an awful person for even considering this?

I don't get why people get so het up about couples asking for money as a gift. Personally I would rather give money if that's what the couple want.

I can't remember how we worded it on our wedding website but when DH and I got married last year we made it clear that we really wanted people's presence at our wedding. We know it can be expensive to attend so gifts were not necessary. However if people really wanted to give us a gift we would really appreciate a contribution towards our honeymoon.
We were able to pay off most of the honeymoon with generous contributions and also received a few lovely gifts like wine glasses. No one was offended as far as I'm aware!
(Some friends didn't even bother giving us a card though which was a bit odd).

We are getting married this year and haven't put any gift information on our invitations at all.

I think money is the norm these days anyway.

Don't fret - if you get the odd gift so what but I'm sure most people won't make work for themselves.

We too have been together and lived together a similar amount of time

"It's not entirely clear why you'd get married at all. Get married sure, but what are we celebrating... your continued co-existence?"

Good lord why so bitter! I'm sorry...is there a maximum time limit people are allowed to be together before they're not allowed to celebrate being married? Are there no benefits at all to being married now? Are we not allowed a big old party...and does social etiquette no longer stand because we dared to wait 7 years until we were in a more comfortable position to marry?"

What a sour old puss you sound like...genuinely sorry for anyone who invites you to their wedding, should they have been together for longer than your allotted time slot for celebration.

Do you usually ask for holiday money when you have a "big, old party" ? Can you not celebrate without an ask?

I prefer to give a gift but will give money if people ask. I’m mid-30s and vast majority of weddings were gift lists.

People are so snipey and nasty about couples getting married.

Personally I’m delighted to give a gift when my friends are making the biggest commitment of their lives.

I’m not sure what relevance how long they’ve been together is. Or if they have kids.

And I’m very happy for them to suggest what they’d most like. Because in my world, the gift is about the giftee.

I’d be mortified to give them denby cups or whatever if what they actually wanted was a contribution to their honeymoon. Why would anyone do that?

Just don't do a twee poem. Be upfront and honest and it'll be fine. Best wishes for your marriage.

How is asking for a small contribution to a honeymoon any less grabby than a gift list?

Asking for ANY gift up front is 'grabby' I think.
You should wait to be asked what you would like, and brief both parent in laws on this too - as some family guests may ask them instead. At that point its generally fine to say "well, we'd write like xxx experience on our honeymoon or some vouchers/money to use towards it."

Lots of people find cash trickier as it means the value of their gift is more up front and obvious; this can be especially hard for those who are having a tight year, etc but don't want to have to tell others about it.

The value of the gift does not have to match how much you think a B&G have spent on your place at the wedding. They invite yo because they want you there, not to recoup some of the wedding costs. What they choose to spend on their wedding it their choice and their responsibility.

thanks to those commending our choice of honeymoon

No idea about Grand Prix but Singapore itself is lovely. We visited for a week last Easter and loved it!

Re other people's weddings and gifts

I have an invitation in front of me at the moment, for May. It's in London which is quite a distance from here - but somewhere the B&G wanted to have it. They set their budget and have invited (small) numbers accordingly so that they can have the venues they want. They have paid for two nights hotel accommodation for their guests, transport to and from the venues for all guests and they have not included any reference to any gifts. DH did ask him, as he's his friend really, and he has said he'd rather people just gave money to a charity - he has been seriously ill (still has the serious illness in fact though it is currently managed for now on experimental drugs) and the suggested charity is linked to that, though he also said that he was happy for people to choose their own charity if they preferred. We will donate and will most likely buy him and his fiancé a nice bottle of something - DH knows him very well so knows what they'd both enjoy.

as for what did I/DH ask for

Initially nothing and certainly no mention on the invitations. We got married abroad 20 odd years ago, on our own - only mid 20s but had been together for 8 years but had no child at that point. We then had a large blessing and party back home for family and friends. People did ask us so we had a shortish list of ideas which both PILs had copies of too to make suggestions if anyone did ask - nothing specific, no links to certain brands/designs, no big dining services that have to be split so you risk not getting the full one, etc. Just vague - oh, some white towels, some champagne flutes, etc.

The flipside to the point about cash gifts making it difficult for those who can't afford much is that physical gifts essentially transfer the cost of storage to the recipient. This becomes a more significant issue as time progresses, since the later a couple were born, the more likely it is that they're paying higher housing costs for smaller spaces. Lots of flats and small new builds just don't have a great deal of space for things like posh crockery and the like. I think that's why to younger people, the idea of sets of stuff for best often seems extravagant.