To think that wedding registeries are outdated?

[GingaNinja84]

Trying to explain this to my mum is a nightmare.

Getting married next February after seven years of living together. We have everything we need after living together for so long.....however, for our honeymoon we have our sights set on a long weekend in Singapore next year for the Formula 1 Grand Prix.

My mum says it's rude to ask for money and she can't believe I'd ever even consider something like that. She says I should make a registry with Amazon and if people want to give money instead they can send a cheque. But I shouldn't be asking.

AIBU here to think that a registry is slightly outdated now? I see her point in that I could use it as a chance to get nicer versions of things we already have (Le Creuset casserole dish instead of my old TK Maxx special etc....)....we just don't value material possessions that much! I'd kill to see the Grand Prix in Singapore. Even if each guest gave £5 we'd have enough to cover the grandstand tickets.

Am I being an awful person for even considering this?

We had just recently bought a house and had most of the things we needed... We did a little poem in our invites simply stating that if you wished to give a gift we would appreciate a small contribution to our Honeymoon. People were more than happy with this (although some people still bought gifts and some people didn't bother giving anything).

Any wedding I've been to in the last 5 years, the couple have asked for money - I'd much rather give them what they want than give them gifts they don't want or need.

I also worked in retail for years and the shop had a wedding list registry service, it was unbelievable the amount of guests who complained about what the bride and groom had asked for and refused to purchase anything because they didn't like it and would go buy something totally random in the shop instead - It used to drive me crazy.

People's opinions on MN on weddings in general don't reflect my experience in real life, at all.

It's definitely pretty common to ask for honeymoon contributions and if people choose to be outraged at that over a registry then that's up to them and they aren't obliged to give either cash or a gift. I always give money at weddings as then they can choose things they actually need. At one family members I thought their registry list was overpriced and couldn't afford any of the 'good' stuff so I put together a hamper of house type bits.

We're in a similar position OP. I think we are just not going to say anything at all about gifts - people can buy us what they like. Or give us money, or give us a card, or give us nothing.

We didn't do a registry or ask for cash, vouchers etc.
We received cash anyway. But like you we had everything, and I renew items when worn so nothing needed
We did decide in the end to buy new furniture as needed more storage with a toddler and had one on the way

My mum paid for cake as a gift and took us for a meal
My dad paid for flowers
That both in itself was a help

As you have been living by together quite a long time and aren't newly together I very much doubt you would be receiving lots of 'stuff' anyways. Most will presume you have everything you need and send cash.
This is the norm amongst my family and friends anyway.
I'd not request cash though. I do think it's very rude and the idea of having an itemized list of 'experiences' etc that you can gift for when the couple are honeymooning is in very bad taste (Curious) sorry.

I'd much rather give some cash towards a nice honeymoon than populate the world with unwanted house gifts.

and the idea of having an itemized list of 'experiences' etc that you can gift for when the couple are honeymooning is in very bad taste

Why though?

Why are Denby plates ok but honeymoon experiences not?

Surely if you dont need anything to set up home you dont ask for anything, except people to come celebrate with you. You're not entitled to a fancy holiday.

Asking for money is really tacky

It’s fine to ask for money IMO. totally old fashioned to have to ask people to buy you a toaster instead

But you're up against the people 'who couldn't possibly come to the wedding empty handed' and it seems that their opinion is more valid than the people who are getting married and you'll have some overpriced crockery that you don't need, and be grateful.

I would never dream of attending a wedding without a gift, and I would much rather give the Bride and Groom something they wanted/needed.

If they want money towards a Honeymoon, then I'm happy to oblige, Giving £200 towards their flights is no different than giving that same amount on plates and glasses.

You're not entitled to a fancy holiday.

Of course not.

But many people want to give you gifts to celebrate. I want to give my friends a gift they’ll actually enjoy personally, so am delighted to contribute to a honeymoon.

I think it’s tacky to ask for anything. I just wanted the people I loved there to celebrate.

You're not entitled to a fancy holiday.

You're not entitled to photo frames, champagne, crockery or any of the other things people do end up taking it on themselves to purchase in the absence of clear instructions about a specific gift option either, but for some reason that doesn't seem to draw half the ire.

People on here do get very illogical when they're trying to justify their odd ideas about wedding presents though.

*btw everyone did give us cash but I didn’t ask for it 😂

don't see a problem - although I would with an Amazon registry as like many I boycott them.

you've got enough stuff. You don't need more stuff to replace the perfectly usable stuff you have. you would however like an amazing experience. So that's what the gift is. People can do, or do not as they choose.

My cousin got married last year. She has lived with her partner for 10 years or so and they have pretty much everything they need. No children so can afford to buy 'nice' household items etc. I was more than happy to stick some money in their card as a contribution for their honeymoon. When they got back they sent a lovely card thanking me with a lovely photo of one of the places they had visited.

We are both in our 30's so maybe more generational

I'm 45 and when I got married 10 years ago, we also requested money for honeymoon as a preference. I prefer to give money, and have done so at my best friends' weddings. Much the easiest way and the bride and groom get what they really want, not 60 bottles of cheap way too sweet bubbly and sixty bottle openers.

You're not beating unreasonable. When we got married we put on our invites that we already have everything we wanted and that propels attendance would be the biggest present for us (a lot people had to travel from abroad) but if they wanted to give us a present we would prefer a contribution to our honeymoon.
Some people gave us only cards, some few pounds and one gave us almost a grand. So it really was whatever people could afford. I'd much prefer the £20 in cash rather than a glass set which I don't like or fit with the ones we already have.

Registries are ridiculous.

No they aren't. They might not be to your taste, but that doesn't mean they are ridiculous.
I'm of an age now where it is my dc, dns, friends' dc, godchildren, etc who are setting up their homes / getting married rather than my own peers. Yes, overwhelmingly they are not moving from their parents homes, and without anything, but, for most of them they are using things they've picked up along the way as students or in their flat shares. Overwhelmingly it is an expensive time - trying to save for deposits whilst paying rent, etc etc, and they don't tend to have much disposable income. So it is still nice to be able to get people to contribute towards a decent set of saucepans / a dinner service / a coffee maker / towels / cutlery or whatever.
Now, that isn't for everyone, but it doesn't make it ridiculous to think that your loved ones might want to contribute to something you actually want, rather than 4 toasters, 6 wall clocks and 15 bottles of champagne.
Personally I'm happy to bung a cheque or some money in a card - I'm no fan of shopping, but I do 'get' that we are all different and some people prefer to choose a gift. In truth, I still use things (26 years in to our marriage) and fondly remember that X gave us this or Y gave us that, when we got married, so that aspect is actually nice.

I have only ever been to one wedding where the couple asked for stuff off a registry rather than money for a honeymoon! It's perfectly normal, times have changed. When I got married, me and my husband combined 2 households, we already had 2 of everything, we didn't need a third. There's a lot less emphasis these days on material goods and have "best". Ask for the money.

I personally think that you shouldn't ask for any gifts for your wedding, financial or otherwise. It can cost people a lot of money just to attend and it's kind of grabby to expect a gift.

My honeymoon was so wonderful that I literally cried when I left. It has me seriously considering emigration (it was to a distant country where my grandma was born).

(perhaps, if for no other reason, to get as far away from the ugly vase we were gifted)

We actually got a very thoughtful, very carefully and time-consumingly painted piece of art from a close relative. Except we both hate it.

The style and the subject matter are not our thing. We don't own anything LIKE it in the house, yet for some reason our poor relative thought 'this is what they want' (if it had been a bland but nice subject in the same style, it would be ok). A lot of love and effort clearly went in - except for that tiny bit of thought that could have told them that we don't actually want this picture!

So why would people be happy with spending say £50 on bed linen that the OP doesn't need or want and unhappy with giving the exact same £50 for something that they want and make them happy?

It's an experience, rather than more plastic, more objects, more more more.

Go for it, OP.

I think of it like this. People used to go to a wedding to celebrate the start of a couple's life together. They used to give gifts to help them set up home.

If you now get married after living together for 10 years and already have 3 children together it is not entirely clear why you'd have a wedding at all (get married sure but what are we celebrating, your continued coexistence?) . It is also not clear, why, if you already have everything, you need a gift at all. Sure, if people want to give money, let them. But why ask- some people are v comfortable giving nothing, esp if you add up the £££ spend on travel and hotels, to say "Yay, nothing's changed".