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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that wedding registeries are outdated?

210 replies

GingaNinja84 · 23/02/2020 19:16

Trying to explain this to my mum is a nightmare.

Getting married next February after seven years of living together. We have everything we need after living together for so long.....however, for our honeymoon we have our sights set on a long weekend in Singapore next year for the Formula 1 Grand Prix.

My mum says it's rude to ask for money and she can't believe I'd ever even consider something like that. She says I should make a registry with Amazon and if people want to give money instead they can send a cheque. But I shouldn't be asking.

AIBU here to think that a registry is slightly outdated now? I see her point in that I could use it as a chance to get nicer versions of things we already have (Le Creuset casserole dish instead of my old TK Maxx special etc....)....we just don't value material possessions that much! I'd kill to see the Grand Prix in Singapore. Even if each guest gave £5 we'd have enough to cover the grandstand tickets.

Am I being an awful person for even considering this?

OP posts:
MadamePewter · 23/02/2020 19:54

In the old days the gifts were to help a young couple set up home for the first time. It’s totally different nowadays

gingercat02 · 23/02/2020 19:57

I hate asking for honeymoon money. I have given gift cards and those preloaded debit cards but never cash. I would much rather give a gift if possible. We still use loads of our wedding gifts 17 and a bit years later and we had been together several years prior to the wedding

Aragog · 23/02/2020 19:58

But I shouldn't be asking.

TBH I agree with that.

Have an idea in your head, yes.
If someone asks you what you'd like - tell them.

But it is somewhat crass to include an instruction as to what to give as a gift in the invitation, Even worse if accompanied by a poem.

ChocoChunk1 · 23/02/2020 19:58

We got married in 2005 and it was very small, and we were able to afford a nice week away for honeymoon. We didn't have a registry and thought cash gifts were not appropriate so we asked guests to give money to our chosen charity. My mum was like OP's, saying we needed a list but we had just moved into a new flat and had fairly new or second hand stuff, so we didn't need anything.

Aragog · 23/02/2020 19:59

I would feel just the same too about including any request for gifts in the invitation, be it money, vouchers, gift lift, etc. Keep the suggestions for IF you get asked what you'd like, then go ahead and make suggestions or send a link.

katy1213 · 23/02/2020 20:03

After seven years, you are hardly love's young dream and any kind of wedding list is tacky. I'd be wishing you well - but you can buy your own honeymoon and your own Le Creuset pots!

Ponoka7 · 23/02/2020 20:03

You're not being grabby. People don't turn upto weddings empty handed outside of MN.

Most people would be happy to give money.

isabellerossignol · 23/02/2020 20:05

If I'm honest I think it's really cheeky to ask people to contribute towards your holiday. I get that you don't want a gift registry either though because you don't need anything in particular.

But people do generally want to give something. I'd say nothing and when people ask about gifts then you can say 'we already have everything we need for the house'. At that point, if they have any sense they will give you money instead. We didn't have a gift list at all when we got married, and even 20 years ago we ended up with about £3000 in cash as gifts, in addition to all the house and kitchen stuff that people bought us.

Ponoka7 · 23/02/2020 20:05

"After seven years, you are hardly love's young dream"

No there's a better chance that they are getting it right and wil go the distance. Why they deserve happy moments, or gifts, any less, is puzzling.

Happy0 · 23/02/2020 20:08

We asked for honey money and you know I think people preferred it as it's super easy. Some older people gave us gifts instead and actually I love them because we only received 3 or so random things. Do what's right for you

1point21gigawatts · 23/02/2020 20:12

I'm really shocked by these responses!

As a pp said no wedding I have been to in the past 15 years has had a gift registry. They all pretty much say the same thing in the invitation: no need of gifts, we're set up at home etc, but if you would like to contribute to the honeymoon then that would be gratefully received.

I don't see it as grabby at all and would much rather give money than buy some towels.

RedPanda2 · 23/02/2020 20:12

I personally think if you've been together 7 years it's a bit grabby to have a registery. I didn't realise wedding gifts were still a thing, every wedding I've been to says no gifts but please donate to a charity.

MulticolourMophead · 23/02/2020 20:13

I would prefer to give cash and don't think it's grabby at all. I have no problem with people wanting to fund a honeymoon, at least I know I'm getting the couple what they actually want, rather than them having to make up a list of things just to satisfy an outdated tradition.

Personally, I think it's wasteful having to create a list of household items to replace stuff you already have.

FraglesRock · 23/02/2020 20:15

It seems rude on here but I really don't care. I'd prefer you to state that than me think I was just paying back into the wedding somehow.

kingkuta · 23/02/2020 20:15

Its absolutely fine to request cash if people ask what to give. Yes your mum is being old fashioned. Those gift lists were for an age when people hadnt lived together so needed everything for their new house
Every wedding I've been to for the past 20 years or so I've given cash and been happy to do so.

Original poster
GingaNinja84 · 23/02/2020 20:16

All these people saying I should be donating to a charity instead of asking for a gift....I'd love to hear what charity you all had guests donate to at your wedding Hmm

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 23/02/2020 20:16

A friend of mine did this
www.trailfinders.com/wishlist#/

Would that work.

sewinginscotland · 23/02/2020 20:17

I can't think of a wedding that I've been to where people haven't asked for money for the honeymoon. It's the usual thing to do now, where people aren't moving straight into the marital home from their parents house and don't have a thing - but have 2 sets of everything when they move in together and actually have to get rid of stuff.

I asked for money for the honeymoon but also set up a registry for people that asked for it/people that you know won't approve of money for a honeymoon (like your mother and aged family members that she will talk to). A few people also found the registry without being told out it (they must have gone on a few registry sites and typed in our name).

I know I prefer giving cash (sometimes in the currency of the place they are travelling to, but I ask if they would prefer) that in an envelope than picking stuff off the registry! The stuff in the lower price brackets always goes quickly, leaving you with the over priced linen set that's more than you wanted to give. Do any of those experience sites have the grand prix on it so that people can contribute towards it that way?

MadamePewter · 23/02/2020 20:18

I said no gifts at mine

Batqueen · 23/02/2020 20:18

Asking for specific honeymoon experiences rather than generic cash is good. It’s nice for guests to feel that they have bought you a specific experience and you don’t end up with stuff you don’t want

bridgetreilly · 23/02/2020 20:20

I actually think it's fine. I would make it very clear that you don't expect presents or cash from anyone, that you already have everything you need in your home, but that if anyone would like to contribute to your honeymoon, that would be lovely.

luckylavender · 23/02/2020 20:21

Asking for money is grabby, no matter how many people say it's the norm. Read threads on here regularly about how people can't afford to give much & others pitch in with 'paying for your plate'. It's discriminatory. If you really want to give money that's fine.

bridgetreilly · 23/02/2020 20:21

I'd love to hear what charity you all had guests donate to at your wedding

I have been to a couple of weddings where this happened. There was a choice of charities both times, but no gifts and no money for the couple (both couples were older, settled and in a good financial position).

Surfer25 · 23/02/2020 20:25

Weddings are expensive and most guests understand it costs the bridge and groom a lot of money per guest.

Weddings don't have to be expensive Confused

You invite someone to your wedding because you want them to be there ... the clue is the opening of the ceremony dearly beloved

Since when were wedding guests expected to give cash gifts to repay the bride and groom for the cost of attending a wedding they bloody wanted

RedPanda2 · 23/02/2020 20:26

I'm having a civil partnership next month. A lunch after, bo gifys but donate to our local charity that helps homeless people.
We've been together 7 years I'd be embarrassed to ask for gifts.

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