To think that wedding registeries are outdated?

[GingaNinja84]

Trying to explain this to my mum is a nightmare.

Getting married next February after seven years of living together. We have everything we need after living together for so long.....however, for our honeymoon we have our sights set on a long weekend in Singapore next year for the Formula 1 Grand Prix.

My mum says it's rude to ask for money and she can't believe I'd ever even consider something like that. She says I should make a registry with Amazon and if people want to give money instead they can send a cheque. But I shouldn't be asking.

AIBU here to think that a registry is slightly outdated now? I see her point in that I could use it as a chance to get nicer versions of things we already have (Le Creuset casserole dish instead of my old TK Maxx special etc....)....we just don't value material possessions that much! I'd kill to see the Grand Prix in Singapore. Even if each guest gave £5 we'd have enough to cover the grandstand tickets.

Am I being an awful person for even considering this?

Oh and FYI of course I've heard of people donating to charities instead of gifts, my own father did it for his second wedding. However, the charity was one I strongly disagreed with so at the time I didn't donate. To me it seemed kind of pretentious? I'm probably being a meanie here!

I just find sometimes the people telling everyone else to do the good things aren't likely to be the ones doing those things themselves.

we'd prefer some memories and an incredible first holiday as a married couple.

So why not marry with just immediate family, have lunch afterwards and then use the cash you're splashing on a larger wedding on your holiday?

@GingaNinja84 how much is your wedding costing? Would it not be better to spend that on a holiday instead of expecting others to fund it?

@datasgingercatspot family politics, mainly. I have a large family and am the first of my generation to get married. They've been waiting around 10 years for a reunion (wedding, christening, big birthday etc....) and I personally don't want to miss out on that. We always look back so fondly on the big family reunions, they're a big part of our history.

@MadamePewter not that it should matter, but around £800.

OP dont give it a second thought Outside of mumsnet world everyone gifts cash at weddings. I hope you have a lovely honeymoon.

We got married 3.5 years ago at the age of 27 and had a gift registry. We’d been living together for a year using all my old uni stuff so it was lovely to choose pans and crockery together. People who didn’t want to get anything off our list gave us money but I love looking at things in my house and knowing exactly who gave them for us and that they were wedding presents, particularly those people that we’ve since sadly lost.

So are you waiting to see how much you get before you book your honeymoon?

Maybe I am being a bit grabby then?

Nope. Not a bit of it. You just don’t want a pile of useless stuff people think they have to buy you for the wedding.

My cousin had a gift registry full of expensive home wares including a 600 quid washing machine, plates at 20 quid each etc and yet we sent a note saying we didn’t want any gifts, but understood people might like to give something, here’s the link for Virgin vouchers towards our honeymoon and we were accused by some family of being grabby. We ignored them.

We get married in May. We’ve asked for nothing (lived together for three years, don’t need anything and genuinely have no room for more towels and whatever), but fiancés parents are hounding us to tell people if we want gifts/cash. The idea of a cringe-y poem is horrifying to me but we may well end up doing one... we’d put a lot of emphasis on that people don’t need to give anything.

But I feel like you can’t win here.

We got married in 2018 and didn't ask for anything. We didn't include any reference to gifts at all, so no lists or cash requests but also no 'presence rather than presents' mention either. A few people asked us and we said if they really wanted to give a gift then money would go towards our honeymoon or John Lewis vouchers. Others asked my parents and they gave them the same response. I'd say we got 75% money and the rest JL vouchers and individual gifts.
I think the key thing is not to say anything at all. Most will default to money.

I wouldn't even know where to start with a gift registry. I'm trying to have less things in my life not more. When my parents got married 10 years ago (they were very late bloomers ) they specified no gifts becasue theyd obviously been together a very long time. The older family members still bought them a right load of very expensive crap. Thing engraved champagne flutes and the obligatory silver photo frame.

Every wedding I've been to in recent times has asked for no gifts but money if you like. Seems to have gone down well.

I just can’t begin to think of a world where I would ask other people for money. Especially when they’re also forking out to come to a wedding which is an expensive event one chooses to have.

I agree with @Babybel90 sorry I stopped giving cash ages ago for that reason, I love it when there's a registry! Presumably it's all stuff someone wants and I find that nice. We've been married 12 years and we had some lovely things bought from our registry which we still treasure and use. A honeymoon is just a holiday - I totally object to people going overboard on the wedding then expecting guests to chip in for their holiday.

There are websites where you can buy a honeymoon experience but I think most people know by now that all it is is a more legitimate feeling way to ask for money, my cousin did this and told me they just got a lump sum.

Is £800 overboard on a wedding? Genuinely intrigued.

Honestly, whatever you do, someone won’t like it. We had a gift registry (even though we already lived together) basically for nicer versions of stuff we already had. And some of my family thought that was wrong because you shouldn’t ‘ask’ for things, and it was also wrong for some older relatives because it was online and they didn’t have a computer. So as a PP said, some people will probably get you a picture frame etc regardless of what you say.

So apparently asking people for honeymoon contributions is also wrong... even though it really is the norm these days.

We had a registry because we thought that some people probably would buy a present anyway, and at least that way we could get stuff we actually wanted, rather than seven toasters or whatever. Even though we in no way expected gifts.

Personally, as a guest at a wedding I will buy a gift. Not because it’s ‘expected’ or because the couple are ‘grabby’, but because it seems like a nice thing to do. If I was invited to a birthday party, I would buy a gift. And if there’s a gift list or a suggested contribution towards a honeymoon etc, great. That way I don’t have to spend time thinking about what you might want, and worrying that I’ll get something you don’t like or would never use. I think it’s just practical in a situation when you might be getting a large amount of gifts

OP it seems you’ve already decided you’re right so there’s no point asking for opinions

Well if you can't afford to then pay for your honeymoon then yes.

And are you waiting to see how much you get before booking?

@MadamePewter do you give a gift when you go to a wedding?

Question with a question?

Yes, but not if they say no gifts. I’d probably take a bottle of bubbly in those circumstances.

It’s the asking for things people don’t need I dislike and I personally don’t do it.

If you don’t want gifts, just state on the invite “no gifts please”.
People can’t contribute to your honeymoon because that will all have been booked and paid for months before the wedding.

Tricky one for sure. I also dislike asking for money but have lost count of the number of weddings that ask for money for the honeymoon. I guess I wouldn't do it myself, but happy to get what people want.

It's very grabby. And tacky.

Suggest a charity that you do care about (I know you didn't like your dad's one), but don't for goodness sake ask for money for a holiday. Geez.

And it isn't generational, it's just decency.