To think that wedding registeries are outdated?

[GingaNinja84]

Trying to explain this to my mum is a nightmare.

Getting married next February after seven years of living together. We have everything we need after living together for so long.....however, for our honeymoon we have our sights set on a long weekend in Singapore next year for the Formula 1 Grand Prix.

My mum says it's rude to ask for money and she can't believe I'd ever even consider something like that. She says I should make a registry with Amazon and if people want to give money instead they can send a cheque. But I shouldn't be asking.

AIBU here to think that a registry is slightly outdated now? I see her point in that I could use it as a chance to get nicer versions of things we already have (Le Creuset casserole dish instead of my old TK Maxx special etc....)....we just don't value material possessions that much! I'd kill to see the Grand Prix in Singapore. Even if each guest gave £5 we'd have enough to cover the grandstand tickets.

Am I being an awful person for even considering this?

Like others, we didn't ask for anything but had both mums prepped with a few ideas of gifts if anyone asked them.

We got given lots of cash anyway, a few lovely presents and a couple of really bizarre gifts (coat hooks shaped like frog heads!) that really made us giggle. I'm grateful for all of it.

So yes, I recommend not mentioning gifts at all and I'm sure you'll still be given enough for your holiday

Notice the silence @GingaNinja84 when you’ve asked how much their wedding raised for charity. I don’t understand it either, why you’re less entitled to receive a gift as you’ve been together a long time! In the real world you’ll find most people are more than happy to give money. If they’ve like to buy a thoughtful gift that’s fine too. But if they buy you a toaster and you’ve already got one then there’s a risk of their present going to waste. Whereas with money you know it’s going to help the bride and groom have an extra special honeymoon. I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with it outside the strange bubble of Mumsnet.

Tacky, common, entitled - just a few words to describe someone who is getting married and wondering about gifting. @GingaNinja84 - you are none of these things.

It's fine OP, it's the norm for many. Just make it clear on the invites that no present is expected, but that you and your df are saving hard for the grand Prix trip and any cash gifts will help send you on your way. I would love to think I'd helped someone do something as cool as this. Do it your way.

I'm usually pretty traditional, and I don't like any mention of gifts in invitations.

When I receive an invitation that says nothing on the subject, I always ask when I RSVP. The last 4 weddings I've been too have all asked for money as a contribution to the honeymoon. I have no problem with that at all. It's fair more sensible than giving them something they don't want or need. And I would never go to a wedding without a present.

When I got married nearly 30 years ago, we were setting up house for the first time so did need things like crockery and kitchen equipment. I didn't have a registry at a single department store as I didn't like the idea that people couldn't shop around. I made up a list which I left with my sister and if people asked me what I wanted, I asked them to phone her. Some people didn't ask and chose their own presents, which was fine. No one gave cash in those days.

I wouldn't say a registry is outdated, they have their place if it's what you want, but your mother is being ridiculous. She's essentially saying you should come up with a list of physical items, whether you want them or not, and you're talking of replacing perfectly good items for the sake of being able to do this. It's batshit. And so wasteful.

I just struggle with a couple who don’t need anything asking for guests to pay for what is a holiday and often taken remote from the wedding etc. It doesn’t connect in my head with me being a guest at a wedding.
I totally get a younger/different situation couple who need things having a list - think that is sensible and connected to the wedding.
Forgive my use earlier of ‘tacky’ and ‘entitled’. I think I do think these things but never think the couple mean to be or are aware of it etc and I didn’t need to say so here I think.
Anyway congrats op and hope it gets sorted in a way you’re happy with.

Also I don’t get all this talk of “outrageous” and “crass” etc. If my friend mentioned that they had a Grand Prix trip to Singapore booked I would love to give some SGD or ££ towards them enjoying their trip.

Registries are ridiculous.

My mother thought it was rude for me and DH to ask for money (we also asked for donations to a charity) but I told her not to be so daft, and went ahead.

Haha thanks to those commending our choice of honeymoon we've both been huge fans for a very long time and figured if there was a time to splash out on grandstand tickets then a honeymoon was it!

We'd probably end up going even if people didn't give us money...we'd just stay in a cheaper hotel and probably just do general entry instead of grandstand 🤷‍♀️

She's essentially saying you should come up with a list of physical items, whether you want them or not, and you're talking of replacing perfectly good items for the sake of being able to do this. It's batshit. And so wasteful

^^ This. People would be less inclined to ask for contributions towards the honeymoon if the people 'who couldn't possibly go to a wedding empty handed' would actually respect the wishes of the bride and groom and just go to the wedding without bringing a gift.

But they can't, so in desperation to avoid being presented with dozens of photo frames, commemorative mugs, bottles of champagne and a whole host of other pointless bits and pieces that they'll have to find room for, they end up saying 'well if you insist on buying a gift, you could contribute towards our honeymoon' and then suddenly they're the unreasonable ones.

Almost no-one who has their own house already needs physical goods for the house. They already have it all, and will replace things as and when they' need to. So if you're going to be spending money on a gift, why not just give them what they actually want/need, rather than using attendance at their wedding as an opportunity to inform them how morally superior you think you are. It makes no odds to you, it's still costing you money, yet somehow, you seem to prefer buying them something that you know they don't want or need, just to prove a point.

Tbh I don't really like requests for money but I think it's an age thing and I'm aware it's not entirely logical. I'm in my forties and when I got married 20 odd years ago a gift list was the norm. We did live together before marriage but a lot of our things were hand me downs or not very good quality so it was a chance to upgrade!
All of our younger cousins who have married in the last 10 years or so have asked for money in some form, some had a list of honeymoon items - contribution towards flights, cocktails on beach etc. some complimented asking for money with a small gift list. And some have just simply asked for money, so I think it's now normal.
It's not grabby to ask for a wedding gift most people are happy and expect to give a gift. I like choosing a gift, from a gift list and, unlike pp, I often spend less if giving money , if I see something I really like on a gift list I often go a bit over budget !

This is income generation by the wedding industry. Make people think they are saving money by recouping costs by getting guests to pay for the honeymoon and then they are likely to spend more on the wedding.

Just don't mention gifts and stay very far away from poems. Poems are never acceptable.

OP, just ask for money towards your honeymoon and have a small list of registry items if there is no other way to keep family happy. The younger generation will be only too happy to give you money. My husband and I must have been to 20+ weddings in the last 8 years and all but 2 have asked for money and nobody grumbled.

IMO those with a list felt more ‘grabby’ to me - there are fewer less expensive things on them and I would fear buying 4 of 8 dinner plates in case nobody else got the other 4 / anything else from the range. One had a sound bar and a Dyson on their list 🙄.

And for those saying if you’ve lived together for years and therefore they don’t need anything... bit of a mean attitude isn’t it?! Why shouldn’t someone get a gift just because they have chosen to life their life in a different way? Surely people give a gift no matter what?!

This is Mumsnet, of course people shouldn't have or do nice things if they've been so awful as to live together before being married

We put nothing regarding gifts on our invitations, and received a few gifts and absolutely loads of money.

I think the norm is 'no gifts, but if you really want to, contribute to our honeymoon'

We had a website up of our itinerary for our honeymoon and people could contribute to a glass of wine on a certain trip, or an upgraded meal if they wouldn't take no for an answer.

Decent homeware is reasonably cheap these days, £20 for a 12 piece tableware set at asda for instance. Most people already have what they need. A registry is quite outdated and for when people were setting up and stuff was more expensive . I simply could not look people in the face and ask for a set of 4 Denby plates for £60 from JL.

Every wedding I have been to (about 30 over last 5 years) has asked for money for honeymoon. Some have also had a registry (probably to appease the parents!)

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for honeymoon contributions.

We merged two households so definitely didn't need more STUFF, and everyone knew that.
We said no presents on the invitations but a few people still gave us money.

Yes, but not if they say no gifts. I’d probably take a bottle of bubbly in those circumstances.

Why would you do that when they have specifically said "no gifts"?
Is a bottle of fizz somehow not a gift?

I love gift lists or requests for vouchers/ cash as a guest. It makes life incredibly easy. I find it much more effort if no guidance is given. Some people hate it though but I’d far rather contribute to you having an amazing experience at the Grand Prix rather than some towels you didn’t really want.

We didn't mention gifts at all. Most people gave us money, but some people bought physical gifts - champagne, hampers, mugs etc. We put the money towards our honeymoon.

I wouldn't object to being asked for cash as a wedding gift. Just don't do one of those bloody poems!

I’d far rather contribute to you having an amazing experience at the Grand Prix rather than some towels you didn’t really want.

Exactly. I can’t really fathom why anyone wouldn’t prefer this. It makes no sense whatsoever.

I don't think they're outdated but I do understand they're not to everyone's taste. We had a prezolq list and had lived together for several years before getting married, it had fun stuff on there like red letter day breaks etc.

There are lots of registry websites that do honeymoon packages so it might be one to look at? I've got to admit as much as I enjoy buying gifts or experiences for people, I don't particularly ever like the request for cold hard cash and I find it quite rude on an invitation, no matter how twee the poem is accompanying it.

There really is no difference in asking for money or having a gift registry! Neither are grabby. When you're invited to a wedding or a birthday party the polite thing to do is to bring a gift. I personally would feel very uncomfortable attending a wedding and giving nothing at all! I prefer giving money, it's easier and means the couple can use it for whatever they want. Surely it's about what the couple want and respecting their wishes and not what the guest wants. I'd just write on the invite that if anyone wishes to give a gift you are saving towards a honeymoon. Every single wedding I've been to in the last 15 years has been like this. It's the modern way and not at all offensive. Congratulations op ❤️