To think that wedding registeries are outdated?

[GingaNinja84]

Trying to explain this to my mum is a nightmare.

Getting married next February after seven years of living together. We have everything we need after living together for so long.....however, for our honeymoon we have our sights set on a long weekend in Singapore next year for the Formula 1 Grand Prix.

My mum says it's rude to ask for money and she can't believe I'd ever even consider something like that. She says I should make a registry with Amazon and if people want to give money instead they can send a cheque. But I shouldn't be asking.

AIBU here to think that a registry is slightly outdated now? I see her point in that I could use it as a chance to get nicer versions of things we already have (Le Creuset casserole dish instead of my old TK Maxx special etc....)....we just don't value material possessions that much! I'd kill to see the Grand Prix in Singapore. Even if each guest gave £5 we'd have enough to cover the grandstand tickets.

Am I being an awful person for even considering this?

I'm 22 and getting married and have actually gone for a gift list.. basically we bought a house and filled it with stuff left over from our student days, we could actually do with decent things. Personally I also find honeymoon donations a bit tacky, but I would definitely say it's up to the couple. Some people have said they'll be giving us money instead which we really appreciate too.

It is a generational thing, so make up a small list of things you would like to receive as gifts, for those who would prefer to do that, and then also offer the option of people donating to your holiday for people that you know won't mind doing that, to do.
Easy.

I don’t think it’s rude to ask for money at all!

In 2020 the vast majority of couples already live together and have for a while so don’t need plates. Photo frames etc

I know on Mumsnet asking for money is frowned upon but in the real world most weddings I’ve attended in the last few years have asked for money towards x trip if you wish to give a gift. I happily give money over an unwanted gift of home stuff

In some circles (including on MN) asking for money as a wedding gift is akin to stabbing someone in the eye. But personally I prefer it - so much easier and no less cheeky than a gift registry

YABU. Sick of this shift that you have a big ol' wedding after the horse has bolted and then expect people to hand over money for your holiday. If you don't need anything, then that applies to peoples' cash as well. Weddings are as expensive as you make them, ridiculous to expect guests to pay for it and grabby to tout for cash.

@datasgingercatspot perfectly put

I think the key there is 'if you wish to give a gift'. It's the idea that somehow you are morally obligated to help people pay for their dream holiday, or to give them cash to meet the cost of them having an extravagant wedding that winds people up.

I hate with a passion those twee little poems people put in their wedding invites asking for money. It should be up to the invitee what they chose to buy you whether it be a gift, money or bugger all.

You invite people to your wedding for their presence not their presents!

I'd love to hear what charity you all had guests donate to at your wedding hmm

We eloped. We'd both been married before (both small with just immediate family there as couldn't afford otherwise) and divorced and feel having big ol' weddings when you've been married already or have kids, etc is tacky AF, as is asking for money as a gift, ever.

My sister had a big wedding but she hadn't lived with her husband before so they had a registry. My brother had lived with his wife but in a small flat with a lot of student stuff and they bought a house together after the wedding so asked for gifts for the new house with a gift registry.

DH's sister never married, just had kids with two different men but then split up with them.

My eldest DD gets married in 2 years and she was horrified at the idea of a gift list, they are having an optional animal charity donation; they have a lovely home and high incomes.
I went to a wedding and they asked for honeymoon ££, which I thought was a cheek as they were a well established, not skint couple, gritted my teeth and put £50 in a card 😬

I agree with your mum, but being entitled is the done thing now. Nothing against you or anyone else it's the way it's gone. my ds1 was the same, they ended up with lots of money, they aren't short of a bob or two and having baby number two now.
when I got married we'd been together for four years and had a baby.
It was tough, we didn't need any household things so we didn't get presents.
No way was it proper to send silly poems, or ask for money to pay for a honeymoon, hot tub, experiences, etc.

I think asking for cash is fine! My partner give his brother/SIL cash for their wedding. They have lived together for 5 years and have a child together. They don’t want or need plates or a toaster or a lamp! MIL was all cats bum face about it. But then she also refuses to give people gift vouchers for birthday/Christmas. Even if they have requested a voucher to a specific restaurant/place!!

In this day and age it is not grabby nor "tacky as fuck" to ask for money towards a honeymoon. I'm in my 20s and this is absolutely the done thing and has been the case for every single wedding I've ever attended.

So yes, a gift registry is old fashioned! I don't know anyone that would think twice about giving money at a wedding!

We found that it's a generational thing whether people think it's the norm or grabby, so on our invites we didnt mention gifts but listed our wedding website (I felt a bit cringe about it but it proved necessary ) and on there we mentioned we just appreciated people coming, but if they really wanted to gift us something we'd love a small contribution to our honeymoon. The older generation who would've been offended didnt look at the website and the younger ones thought it was standard.

I go to loads of wedding and have never seen anyone ask for donations to charity. I'd be a bit miffed TBH I hate forced giving and would rather give something to the people I love

I can't stand people asking for money but e everyone does it.

I don't really believe anyone has everything. DH and I were together 8 years before we got married and had lived together a long time, but people bought us lovely things that are more special and will be kept. A great friend from university bought our teapot, and I think of her every time I use it!

We just didnt put anything about gifts on our invites at all because I thought it was rude to ask. Tbh I find gift registries cheeky too as it's still as if you're expecting a present. Most people asked our parents if there was anything we needed or just assumed we wanted cash.

Ps I'm only 34 and plenty of my friends also hate honeyfund type things.

Tbh I didn't like having any list at all, but we got so many people asking as they didn't want to buy the 4th toaster etc, we had to have one.

Re: the pay for our honeymoon thing, haven't the couples already bought it? They're not waiting to see if it's a week in Skeggy or a week in the Maldives based on how much swag they net from guests, are they? And if not, then, they don't need anyone to buy them a holiday, they're already paid for it.

Going on wedding forums it's hilariously entitled and grabby AF (my niece is getting married in August). Plenty are pretty much after finding ways to extract as much cash out of guests as possible to defray the cost of the wedding, pay for the honeymoon (here's a tip, if you can't afford it, don't have it!).

Then there the ones on their 2nd or 3rd or greater wedding and wanting to have blow outs abroad and hen and stag dos and ask for cash for gifts and get all arse out of kilter when guests decline. The cheek of more arses then a toilet seat in Euston Station gets some have!

Totally depends on the situation. Dh and I didn’t really live together before we got married. I lived overseas and it was long distance for many years. He was living in student accommodation before we got our first house and I sold or binned everything to move here. We literally didn’t have a pot to cook in!

So we had a registry. But most weddings I’ve been to they’ve lived together for several years and have everything. I’m quite happy to gift money if requested or to do a registry. It’s your wedding. Each is totally fine.

Not outdated. Plenty of people either don't live together before marriage (we didn't) or do but muddle along with the minimum of household items or old, cheap ones as they can't afford decent ones. If you don't have a list at all, you'll get some people who don't want to give money so will give you a gift you don't want. So have one, include some items that maybe you just want to upgrade, make sure you have a range of prices, but also include either some specific honeymoon items or vouchers that can be used to pay for holiday or travel money or hotel or whatever, plus a catch all "contribution to honeymoon". Personally I have never given money but at a push would give a voucher if there wasn't anything on gift list I wanted to buy. Also if you include contribution to specific charity or charities on your list, people may well contribute to that as well as giving you some money as that makes them feel less like they are just handing you money.

MSF, since you asked. Variety of other charities from animal welfare to environmental to human rights to homeless people supported by friends at their weddings.

However I see no problem in asking for money towards a honeymoon, it’s a reasonably common thing to do. Your friends know you and presumably know that (despite the snark about the perfectly normal choice to ask for a charitable donation if people want to give a gift) you’re not greedy or grabby or whatever it is your mum is worried about.

I actually think I'd prefer a tacky poem over someone telling me to donate to a charity. It just seems so worthy and pretentious.

A lot of my sentiments seem to be being echoed here, which is nice to see!

Of course I don't think I have everything...but truth be told when my mum mentioned dong a registry I gave it a go and it was honestly so stressful! Like...I don't want to assume what some-one is willing to spend on an item. Take for example I saw a really nice cafetière which would look lovely in my kitchen. Buggered if I'd ever spend £50 on it though, and if I'd seen that on a friends gift list I'd be like hell no!

Lists always just seemed really grabby to me. We're not a high income family (about £35k combined salary) and haven't been on holiday in about 2 years, since the birth of our daughter. We don't need material possessions....we'd prefer some memories and an incredible first holiday as a married couple.

I don’t understand why people get so hyped up about gifting cash or paying into a honeymoon fund. How lovely to give someone what they want or freedom to buy something they love instead of more tacky wedding tat. My friends literally filled their registry with tacky shit like £80 silver dog bowls. I’d much rather buy someone a dinner out in Bali.