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Original poster

Wedding drama HELP

243 replies

Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 21:29

Me and my now-fiancee got engaged on Valentines Day this year. We have a 7 month old daughter and have had no end of problems with his family since she has been born (his parents turned up at the hospital unannounced despite being told I didnt want hospital visitors, that kind of thing). Anyway we have tried to put it all behind us lately.

We set the wedding date for October this year, we viewed a venue we fell in love with and was told the only available date was the 17th.

A few days later I texted MIL to say we had set the date for 17th October. She replies to say she is going on a girls weekend away, and that we should have 'asked' her whether to book for the 17th.

Further to this SIL has been in touch to say they were planning to go away for 10 days (17th being slap bang in the middle) for their 10th wedding anniversary and although they havent actually booked anything, they dont feel they can rearrange this (bear in mind their actual anniversary is not in October). To be fair she did message when we got engaged saying late October wouldn't be good for them, but we cant book the venue for any other weekend (already booked or price hiking we cant afford).

AARGH! I am pulling my hair out. Surely your sons wedding trumps a weekend away with friends you see often? And a holiday that hasn't even been booked? (Could totally understand if it had been booked already).

Is it us??? AWBU????

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 22/02/2020 21:33

Ignore them. They’re meddling, overbearing in-laws and your MIL is trying to force you to change it to suit her. She probably got her daughter involved to coerce you. This is your wedding and your day, not theirs. They can rearrange their trips if they want to, they have a ton of time.

frazzledasarock · 22/02/2020 21:38

Congratulations on our engagement.

I’d book whenever the heck you want and get married. If they’re not there that up to them.

FrenchBoule · 22/02/2020 21:39

“Shame you can’t make it”.

Honestly OP,I've never heard anybody asking their family when it suits them to attend a wedding. It’s on this day and they can come or not.
If they don’t I would seriously reassess who’s where on my priority list from now.

Congratulations 🙂

Chickychoccyegg · 22/02/2020 21:40

mmmmmm, i don't know, does your dp want to go ahead and get married without his mum or sister there?

i think a lot of people do check with the closest members of their family that a certain date will be suitable unless booking a long time in advance.

Whynosnowyet · 22/02/2020 21:40

Be a shame if they couldn't make it....
Book your day. Their loss if they don't show.
Yours if they do imo!!

TabbyMumz · 22/02/2020 21:41

Have you booked everything else for the 17th, ie the person that will marry you? (Registrar?)..if so, just say it's all booked, 17th it is. They can come, or not come.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 22/02/2020 21:41

Sounds like a problem for your DP, let him deal with his family.

picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 22/02/2020 21:42

When people set dates a year or two ahead, you don't ask who is free that weekend. If it's only 6 months away, then I would have checked with close family. I'd hope MiL would say, don't worry I'll cancel friends, but I would check.
Ditto, I'd be p'ed off if I'd earmarked a fortnight in October, over half term, for my special holiday and then I couldn't go because of a short (ish) notice wedding.

mauvaisereputation · 22/02/2020 21:43

I think it's your DP's call whether he wants to wait and find a time that his mum and sister can/will make or whether he wants to go ahead for this date. Why are you interacting with them?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2020 21:45

I can’t imagine where you have your wedding being more important than who you have there. We checked the date with close family before signing on the line. If you don’t like them and aren’t fussed about them being there then go ahead.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/02/2020 21:47

Has MiL genuinely booked a weekend away with friends and paid for it? If so she will be put in an awkward position I guess because she will either have to pay the balance on a trip she can't go on, or piss off a group of friends who will have to suck up the cost. If it hasn't actually been booked / paid for or was just something low cost like camping / staying with a friend / they've all booked individual hotel rooms that you can cancel at this stage then it's easier. Not really your problem I guess but am just trying to see it from her perspective.

HotDogGuy · 22/02/2020 21:47

We checked with the key people - parents, friends before booking our wedding as we really wanted them there and would not have booked that date if they couldn’t have made it. The people were more important than the venue for us.
They are your partners family - I think he should decide what you do.

Whatsername177 · 22/02/2020 21:49

My silly booked her wedding for the day after our 10 year anniversary. I was a bit miffed when I realised the date clash as we had hoped to go away. However, I wouldn't have expected her to consider my anniversary. Dh and I moved our plans, really didnt end up being an issue. If your mil will lose money I can see why she might be a bit upset. I'd leave it as the date and leave the ball in her court to change her mind.

TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 21:52

What does your DP say? Is he wanting to change venue to allow different dates?

TheBigFatMermaid · 22/02/2020 21:56

They can always decline, same as any other invitee!

user1471449295 · 22/02/2020 21:57

We checked with key people (close family) before we booked our date, as we only gave them 9 months notice. I think this is normal.

SkinnywannabeKBH · 22/02/2020 21:58

OK so I'm going to come at this from the in-law side... My SIL decided to inform us all that they were planning their wedding for 6mths away to a very far away country and in the middle of the school year. It would have cost us approximately £5k just for flights and accommodation, never mind outfits for wedding, holiday clothes, food and general spending money. We had just started doing a lot of work on our house, so we gently declined. Their disappointed faces were awful to see but it was just something we couldn't afford.
In the end those plans were knocked on the head.
So a few months later they ask our children to be in the wedding and after all of the excitement advise us they have booked their wedding in a closer country, 6mths away again and to get flights booked. Again, we didn't have the spare money but we scripmed and saved and worked hard to do what we could to get it all booked. It wasnt something we had planned but we did what we could to make sure we were able to be there. We'd have been gutted if we weren't able to make it to their wedding but also felt it would have been nice to have more warming of the date so we could budget for it.
It may be your day but tbh I think a bit of consideration to others so they can plan for it would be nice. 8mths ahead and most people have their lives planned out. Especially if you need to book holidays in advance in work etc...

user1493413286 · 22/02/2020 21:58

To be honest we checked that our close family could make our wedding date before we booked it. If I was your mil I’d cancel the weekend away but I would be surprised that you hadn’t checked especially as October isn’t far away

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 22:00

DP is very disappointed. His sibling settled down long before him so he spent many years slotting himself into arrangements that suited them, always travelling to them etc as they had children. I think he hoped that now he has a family, they would be equally as accommodating and let him have his moment in the sun. He waited a long time to have a child yet we have had no end of obstruction from them regarding our daughters birth, christening and now this. I know these events dont specifically relate to our situation but ☹ I just feel gutted for him. I did say it was his choice, but he is of the view that he loves this venue and if they really wanted to come they could change their plans (admittedly the SIL could do this more easily as she hasn't technically planned anything yet). But all this aside, there really arent any other reasonable dates available. Your perspectives are really appreciated though Smile

OP posts:
BelfastNonBlonde · 22/02/2020 22:01

I think you’re being very unreasonable.

Past IL issues aside, you should have asked those closest to you if it suited before you booked a date.

Pick another month.

I’m assuming your fiancé would like them to be there..?

SharpieInThe · 22/02/2020 22:02

We checked with parents before booking but that was more a can you get time off work conversation. Is MILs weekend away booked?

Luckystar20 · 22/02/2020 22:07

I think yabu if it was a year or 2 fair enough but not 6 months sil already told you they had plans in october but you booked ahead anyway. I would never just assume without asking family.

AnnaMagnani · 22/02/2020 22:10

When I booked my wedding for 6 months away I checked it was a date everyone could make before I booked anything.

Obviously if your wedding is 2 years away, it's their lookout but for nearer the time, I think it is normal to ring round and check it's convenient.

However your DH's family may now be used to a dynamic where he fits around them so 'holiday that isn't booked' and 'girl's weekend' are pretty poor excuses. They just don't see him as an adult.

EL8888 · 22/02/2020 22:10

They are unreasonable. It’s your wedding and October is 8 months away. My ex-husband wanted to consult his family but l said no -there were 100’s of them and most of them are rather contrary. I call bullshit on your MIL’s alleged weekend away. She’s trying to flex her muscles and test if she can get her way. Your SIL is assisting her in this. Don’t feed into it, you need to set your stall out

EL8888 · 22/02/2020 22:11

@AnnaMagnani yep l agree re the dynamic. But that’s not OP fault

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