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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama HELP

243 replies

Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 21:29

Me and my now-fiancee got engaged on Valentines Day this year. We have a 7 month old daughter and have had no end of problems with his family since she has been born (his parents turned up at the hospital unannounced despite being told I didnt want hospital visitors, that kind of thing). Anyway we have tried to put it all behind us lately.

We set the wedding date for October this year, we viewed a venue we fell in love with and was told the only available date was the 17th.

A few days later I texted MIL to say we had set the date for 17th October. She replies to say she is going on a girls weekend away, and that we should have 'asked' her whether to book for the 17th.

Further to this SIL has been in touch to say they were planning to go away for 10 days (17th being slap bang in the middle) for their 10th wedding anniversary and although they havent actually booked anything, they dont feel they can rearrange this (bear in mind their actual anniversary is not in October). To be fair she did message when we got engaged saying late October wouldn't be good for them, but we cant book the venue for any other weekend (already booked or price hiking we cant afford).

AARGH! I am pulling my hair out. Surely your sons wedding trumps a weekend away with friends you see often? And a holiday that hasn't even been booked? (Could totally understand if it had been booked already).

Is it us??? AWBU????

OP posts:
drinkygin · 22/02/2020 22:11

If your MIL has booked and paid for her trip I do think YABU. Doll what are your husbands feelings in all this? Presumably he wants his mum at her wedding. I think his opinion is key here

PrincessHoneysuckle · 22/02/2020 22:12

Mil can change her weekend away surely?sil can book another holiday.If they want to go they will.

Crymea · 22/02/2020 22:14

You don’t sound as though you like them very much so go ahead and have your wedding without them.

TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 22:14

If I read correctly, you asked about dates in advance. SIL asked you to avoid late October, no other restrictions. MIL arranged her weekend away for about the same time as SIL, which seems to be trying to make it easier for you.

Then you go and pick a date in late October and feel there is drama because they are not around in late October. You are heading down the path to Bridezilla. Turn back now.

Wilmalovescake · 22/02/2020 22:15

I think you’ve been incredibly rude not to check at least both your parents could make the date.
And if someone else close had already told you late October didn’t work then you’ve totally shown them how important you think they are by doing this.

YABVU.

dwum · 22/02/2020 22:18

I would have checked the dates before booking. My MIL objected to our original date choice, so we moved it by one day (to a Monday).

YABU

BabyItsAWildWorld · 22/02/2020 22:21

YABU.
You check the date is convenient with the essential people you want there before booking.

Awrite · 22/02/2020 22:24

Capitulate now and you will forever be changing plans to suit your in-laws.

Stand your ground.

I cannot imagine putting a weekend away ahead of a family wedding, let alone my child's. The sister is just chancing it. Cheekily, I might add.

TypingError · 22/02/2020 22:24

My DD checked with us, her now in-laws and all grandparents, also siblings before booking a date as there was only 6 months warning. She managed to find a date that everyone could manage. YABU

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2020 22:24

While I can sympathise with your DP wanting to test his place in the family after feeling secondary for many years, telling immediate family your wedding date AFTER you’ve booked it was a risky move and it’s backfired as they’re saying they won’t change their plans to be there. Either you’re both willing to draw a line over the drama around your baby’s birth etc and really want them there or the resentment continues and you don’t, or are willing to push this in the hope they back down and you see that as proof they’re prepared to put you and what you want first. Prepare to be disappointed though.

Tbh we got married somewhere really lovely and got some great photos, have happy memories, but the location was far less important than having loved valued family around us. Sooo much drama on here seems due to venues, too far away, only available at crappy times, too small for spouses, unsuitable for kids, on and on. I don’t get it. It’s a place. I’m sure it’s lovely. But your wedding is about celebrating your relationship, saying your vows, confirming your commitment officially and legally. Where you do it might feel really important now but there will be literally thousands of others. If it’s that amazing then look at other dates. It’s just a place.

Freddiefox · 22/02/2020 22:27

So you checked the dates with sil and she said they couldn’t make late October, but you’ve gone ahead and booked late October, and somehow this is their fault.
I think YABU and I wonder if this is an opportunity to bash them a bit and make a drama.

SweetpeaMidnight · 22/02/2020 22:32

The 17th isnt late october

Kanga83 · 22/02/2020 22:32

Both MiL and SIL told you they were unavailable - I think YABU. In a week you have become engaged and booked a venue and date, but clearly this weekend away and 10th anniversary holiday has already been planned prior to this. Change your date, it won't make any difference in the long run.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 22:34

But had we checked with them it wouldn't have changed the outcome - I haven't kept the date to spite them, we can't do another date as the venue is booked up or at peak prices. We can't move the date til next year as I go back to work (as well as full time study) later in the year and we are also planning to move house so it would be carnage! I didn't know about the weekend away when we booked it, only that SIL was thinking of going on holiday. I totally get its inconvenient for them, but I guess as these are minor commitments in the scheme of things I hoped they wouldn't mind rearranging once they realised our dilemma. If it was something like an already-booked 5* holiday, operation etc there's no way I would expect them to rearrange.

OP posts:
Newkitchen123 · 22/02/2020 22:35

In terms of weddings it's quite short notice
If you want certain people there you should have checked

CaffiSaliMali · 22/02/2020 22:36

We had a lot of wedding negativity from family and inlaws (we very nearly eloped because of it) so I sympathise.

We chose our venue in January they only had 5 dates left for the following year of which the Church could only have done 3. We picked our preferred date and ran it past both sets of parents, siblings and the bridesmaids before we booked it 14 months in advance.

If MIL has already booked and paid for something then I can see why she would be a bit miffed. SIL is being ridiculous, she has nothing booked and I'm sure her friends will understand that she's skipping the usual meetup for her own brother's wedding.

Does your venue have availability next year? Depending on the kind of do you want you may find vendor choices limited - 14 months in advance and a surprisingly large number of vendors were already booked!

However, I suspect if you did go ahead, MIL and SIL would come. We had a few relatives threaten not to attend as they didn't like various (minor) choices we'd made, but they would never have gone through with knowing the wider family were at the wedding to see they'd failed to show!

We generally did what we wanted despite the negative opinions (on everything from the menu, to the hotel we stayed at the following night, to the town we chose, to us allowing children and to us choosing to serve alcohol). Some things we relented on because the negativity had soured the choice. Only you and DP can know whether you've hit that point. Also, if there are endless issues over the wedding then there's always Gretna!

BabyItsAWildWorld · 22/02/2020 22:37

Booking a date without consultation and then expecting others to rearrange their plans is a sure fire way to piss people off.

I suspect you may be getting a reputation as difficult and controlling with your ILs.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2020 22:37

It’s not a dilemma though. You’re saying you have no choice? So the dilemma is theirs.

If you can’t have a different date at that venue, you change the venue.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 22/02/2020 22:37

YABU. Why must it be October?

PinkiOcelot · 22/02/2020 22:38

17 October isn’t late October. Late October is 26, 27 onwards.
Fair enough if OP had loads of dates to choose from at her venue and settled for this one she may have been unreasonable, but she didn’t, this was the only date.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2020 22:39

If it was something like an already-booked 5 holiday, operation etc there's no way I would expect them to rearrange.*

What would you have done?

SunsetYorks · 22/02/2020 22:40

If MIL has booked & paid for a weekend away it’s not as simple as changing dates, she may not be able to, her friends will have made arrangements, they may not all be able to set another date easily. You are choosing a venue over family & bring really selfish & unreasonable.

Chewbecca · 22/02/2020 22:41

YABU

My DiL to be checked the date with us and other key attendees before making the booking.

It’s also not especially outrageous for GPs to visit their GC as soon as they can. They’re happy and enthusiastic. It’s a joyful occasion.

Think carefully about the relationship you want with your ILs.

BackforGood · 22/02/2020 22:41

Another who thinks it is pretty usual / normal / sensible to sort some possible dates with those you really want there (I'm going to say this would normally be parents siblings best man / bridesmaid), then, armed with those, to start looking for a venue.

Our families being there was FAR more important than what the building looked like, for us.

grafittiartist · 22/02/2020 22:43

We did check with close family about suitable dates.