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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama HELP

243 replies

Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 21:29

Me and my now-fiancee got engaged on Valentines Day this year. We have a 7 month old daughter and have had no end of problems with his family since she has been born (his parents turned up at the hospital unannounced despite being told I didnt want hospital visitors, that kind of thing). Anyway we have tried to put it all behind us lately.

We set the wedding date for October this year, we viewed a venue we fell in love with and was told the only available date was the 17th.

A few days later I texted MIL to say we had set the date for 17th October. She replies to say she is going on a girls weekend away, and that we should have 'asked' her whether to book for the 17th.

Further to this SIL has been in touch to say they were planning to go away for 10 days (17th being slap bang in the middle) for their 10th wedding anniversary and although they havent actually booked anything, they dont feel they can rearrange this (bear in mind their actual anniversary is not in October). To be fair she did message when we got engaged saying late October wouldn't be good for them, but we cant book the venue for any other weekend (already booked or price hiking we cant afford).

AARGH! I am pulling my hair out. Surely your sons wedding trumps a weekend away with friends you see often? And a holiday that hasn't even been booked? (Could totally understand if it had been booked already).

Is it us??? AWBU????

OP posts:
MummyOfJayden · 23/02/2020 00:24

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MrsAgassi · 23/02/2020 00:28

We checked dates with parents and siblings before we booked our wedding as we were also getting married with just a few months notice.

In your shoes I would probably look for an alternative venue.

LangSpartacusCleg · 23/02/2020 00:28

YANBU

It is 8months away in the MIDDLE of October. If you rearrange it now for them, you will find you have to rearrange it again for someone else who isn’t happy.

Don’t engage, let your DP deal with them. They are more likely to listen to him than you.

olympicsrock · 23/02/2020 00:29

Tbh I think you are a bit selfish and controlling. Wink

SnoozyLou · 23/02/2020 00:30

Aren't I selfish and controlling

No, not at all. I've seen threads on here time and time again where parents/partners/in-laws have disregarded the mother's wishes on this issue and done as they pleased. Not only is it incredibly selfish but it can permanently damage relationships.

She sounds controlling to me.

katmandoo · 23/02/2020 00:30

There wouldn't be a drama if you had checked with them first. Sorry I think you are Unreasonable at this point, as people say 2 year notice fine, but 6 months best to check with close family and friends.
I would cancel a girls weekend for my sons wedding but I would be miffed at letting my fronds down and losing my deposit and depending on the holiday all of the cost of it.

HmmIsThisAGoodIdea · 23/02/2020 00:31

Our families never checked dates with us, lots of people don't. Things happen, what if your MIL was ill the weekend of her getaway? She'd soon pull out and probably wouldn't think much of it, these things happen all the time! I agree with pps, she's trying to be controlling. It seems to come up on MN a lot when in laws get like this when a baby comes along. You just have to put your foot down and not let yourself be treated like a doormat - you'll resent them if you do but will be just as much to blame for allowing it to happen! Enjoy your wedding op and don't let them put you off!

janemaster · 23/02/2020 00:42

I don't think 8 months notice is that long, so yes I would check dates with main family.
I also think it is very rude to friends to agree to a weekend away, then drop out.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 00:42

Thank you Snoozy xx

It was really upsetting at the time and I think it's fair to say it's damaged our relationship, it's a trust thing (they reassured me they wouldn't come, said they understood etc). But I am trying to treat this issue objectively as if, for example, my dad refused to reorganize a boys weekend away to come to my wedding.

OP posts:
janemaster · 23/02/2020 00:45

So no I would not have checked dates with everyone but I would have with key family members/friends. Lots of people book holidays in January so this was fairly inevitable.
In her shoes I would cancel the weekend with friends, but I would feel resentful that you could not be bothered to check dates. A quick text to key people takes a few minutes.

janemaster · 23/02/2020 00:47

@Wolfgirrl It is not a case of reorganising. I know if I have went away with friends it is usually very difficult to find a weekend everyone can do. If I had agreed and booked a weekend with friends, I doubt they would reorganise taking the financial hit, because I had a better offer. They would just go without me.

Cherrysoup · 23/02/2020 00:50

Weddings trump anything, I didn’t check my date, nor did my sil who decided to get married 2 weeks before us having got engaged after us. It’s what suits the couple, not what their various family members are doing. Plus, re the hospital visit, they said they wouldn’t come then did? They’re clearly stamping all over your boundaries. Do what suits you, not them. If the can’t make it, then tough. I bet your mil to be somehow rearranges her weekend with the girls.

Largeyellowdaffodil · 23/02/2020 00:52

I kinda think fortnite is the issue here, have you considered abortion? that might fix the wedding hun xxxxx also my DS is really sick x

What does that mean?

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 00:53

Exactly my thoughts Cherry! But I guess that's how we treat people, whereas others would begrudge sacrificing a weekend away to go to their child's wedding Hmm funny old world isn't it!

OP posts:
FeeFee832 · 23/02/2020 00:55

I think YABU.

We checked with fam. Sorry OP!

janemaster · 23/02/2020 00:56

@Cherrysoup Did you really not check with your parents?
I confess I don't understand anyone who just sets a date and does not check it with the few people closest to them. It seems incredibly bridezilla to set a date and basically say I don't care if you have anything else booked, cancel it and come to this.
I just can't imagine even thinking this is okay.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 01:01

Its not a bridezilla thing, it's a practicality thing. We want to get married this year, so we set a date and crossed our fingers. If we consulted all our family about best dates for them we wouldn't find a date for ages. I knew there was the chance someone might not be able to make it but I imagined it would be for a better reason than a weekend away or a holiday that's not even booked. I am the furthest thing from a bridezilla, anyone that knows me would laugh at that and I have actually been complimented on how chilled I have been at arranging it.

OP posts:
janemaster · 23/02/2020 01:05

I never suggested checking with all family, just checking with key family members who you need to be there.
If wider family can't make it, they don't come. If you need a family member to be there, you check if they can make the date.

SnowyRacoon · 23/02/2020 01:07

If your in-laws already pre warned you that October was not a great time, presumably because they knew they were going away, is it not a tad convenient you have booked your wedding slap bang in the middle knowing that OP?

They were not welcome at the hospital after you gave birth, but now your moaning because they cannot attend the wedding because they are away, which you knew about?

You might be happy for them to miss it, but I doubt your DF will feel the same.

Just another perspective from the usual MNet reply's all slating the In-laws!

Graphista · 23/02/2020 01:19

While I appreciate you’ve had difficulties with them in the past this situation is of your own making.

Sil said late Oct didn’t suit as soon as she could, mil it sounds already has a booked trip that very weekend.

There are other venues that will have other dates available.

On this yabvu.

As pps have said when it’s a good year at least away people usually haven’t booked things as yet.

6-8 months is pretty short notice for a wedding, you can’t expect people to be free on one specific date and if you care for your fiancé you will agree to either delay or choose another venue.

We arranged our wedding within 3 months of engagement which we had good reasons for (not pregnancy!) BUT the exact date we checked with parents and siblings first. It’s only fair.

“I just hoped family would be good natured about it...
at least that's what I would do.”

Except you’re not being are you? You’re being completely rigid.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 01:39

Its 8 months away. I feel people keep putting 6 for dramatic effect but it's not correct.

Of course I'm not being rigid, as I said before it is DPs decision. Although what I meant were if the roles were reversed I would cancel a weekend away to go to a close family members wedding.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 23/02/2020 01:39

@Chewbecca l don’t think work / study / moving house are crazy reasons for impacting on a wedding date?!

I also agree OP about long engagements, l don’t really see the point of them

SuperheroBirds · 23/02/2020 01:48

I agree that you can’t check dates with everyone, but we did with parents and siblings because they are the most important to us.

The SIL wanting to go away is a rubbish excuse, if it isn’t booked already, unless that is the only time her and her husband could get off work, they could do another time.

But, if your MIL has already booked her holiday, it might be really difficult to cancel, as it doesn’t just affect her. Either the whole party would have to cancel, which could mean her friends losing their deposit. Or just she cancels and then either she pays and doesn’t go, or her friends have to pay more. Either way, her friends are going to miss out on the holiday they had planned with her. It was obviously important to them as they booked it so far in advance.

I know you want your wedding to be more important to them than their plans, but by not discussing dates with them and booking a date they have already mentioned as difficult, you haven’t shown them that their presence is important to you. Isn’t it worth compromising on venue, to have your immediate family there?

Pushpushpoosh · 23/02/2020 01:52

Book it! That's my wedding anniversary! Floral pumpkin center pieces and candy apple favours 😍 it was magical have a wonderful day OP

Selmababies · 23/02/2020 02:00

So you checked the dates with sil and she said they couldn’t make late October, but you’ve gone ahead and booked late October, and somehow this is their fault

Op has booked the wedding for the 17th October. Surely that's mid October, not late October?
Sil could book her holiday from the 18th onwards. I really don't see the problem with this.
Is MIL intending to go abroad for her girls weekend and has she actually booked and paid for it all yet? How much would she lose by not going? Could you reimburse her if she cancelled?