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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama HELP

243 replies

Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 21:29

Me and my now-fiancee got engaged on Valentines Day this year. We have a 7 month old daughter and have had no end of problems with his family since she has been born (his parents turned up at the hospital unannounced despite being told I didnt want hospital visitors, that kind of thing). Anyway we have tried to put it all behind us lately.

We set the wedding date for October this year, we viewed a venue we fell in love with and was told the only available date was the 17th.

A few days later I texted MIL to say we had set the date for 17th October. She replies to say she is going on a girls weekend away, and that we should have 'asked' her whether to book for the 17th.

Further to this SIL has been in touch to say they were planning to go away for 10 days (17th being slap bang in the middle) for their 10th wedding anniversary and although they havent actually booked anything, they dont feel they can rearrange this (bear in mind their actual anniversary is not in October). To be fair she did message when we got engaged saying late October wouldn't be good for them, but we cant book the venue for any other weekend (already booked or price hiking we cant afford).

AARGH! I am pulling my hair out. Surely your sons wedding trumps a weekend away with friends you see often? And a holiday that hasn't even been booked? (Could totally understand if it had been booked already).

Is it us??? AWBU????

OP posts:
janemaster · 23/02/2020 10:51

8 months is not plenty of time if you want people to be able to make it. Loads of people organise things in January for the rest of the year, I often organise holidays last minute and even I have 2 weekends booked and paid for away this year and one wedding booked in. I have friends who have far more booked in for the year.

whitesoxx · 23/02/2020 10:56

YABU and need to learn that the world does not revolve around you.

Who complimented you on how chilled you'd been? Confused a week later and you've set a date for only 8 months away, viewed and chosen a venue, not bothered to check your partners immediate family's availability and now you're posting a moan on MN! That is not chilled 😂

8 months isn't a long time, MIL can't rearrange she's having to cancel and miss out. SIL presumably can't move the school holidays.

What's the issue with booking a christening 4 weeks after your due date? It's just a christening, you don't have to go. And god forbid someone wants to meet their new grandchild 2 days after it's born Hmm

You are showing no flexibility or compassion for your DP whatsoever. My DP would want to please me ultimately and not cause trouble or fuss. But I would absolutely refuse to do it on that date if it wasn't suitable for his parents. For his sake. You sound very selfish

Strictly1 · 23/02/2020 10:57

I feel for your DH to be. What a horrible position to be in and one that could have been avoided.
If it was me I'd tell him we need to change the date as you both being happy on the day trumps a building.
I think YABU.
I wonder if you'd feel so strongly if two if your close relatives could not attend.
Good luck; I hope it works out.

rookiemere · 23/02/2020 11:10

So the actual narrative is that you texted the grooms DM days after you'd already booked the venue. She expresses disappointment as she'd already booked something for that date. As the wedding date cannot/ will not be moved, she cancels her pre-booked plans so she can attend.

The only person making a drama out if this is you. I do hope you're grateful that MIL has fallen in line and sacrificed her existing arrangements but I rather think you're not.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 11:14

Thanks for all your replies. Just had a nice chat with MIL, she explained it's a weekend away she does every year and that shes only paid a small (under £50) deposit which I offered to pay back. Also offered to pay for her hotel room mate if this means they have to cancel too. I apologised for putting her in this situation and explained all the reasons the date would be hard to change. I think we have reached a place of understanding so I'm pleased about that.

OP posts:
whitesoxx · 23/02/2020 11:21

So you're definitely making her cancel it then 🤷🏽‍♀️ I bet she's gutted. I have a regular annual trip I'd be so sad to miss. I'd do it for my son of course

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2020 11:23

That’s a good outcome. It’s a shame she had the annual trip booked at the same time. There is always next year. Your wedding trumps a trip away with friends she sees regularly.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/02/2020 11:25

My advice for the future is get your partner to manage the relationship with his own mother. Just because you are the woman it isn't your responsibility to do all the emotional labour here and you might get resentful about it over time.

RainbowAlicorn · 23/02/2020 11:40

When my friend was organising her wedding she asked me to be bridesmaid and she didn't ask us if the date suited, she just booked a date and told us, as it turned out it was the weekend of my DS's 1st Birthday. Not important to others but very important to us, where she was getting married we had to stay in a hotel for 2 nights, so we just incorporated it and went for a day out on the way home to celebrate his birthday.
The same happened with my SIL's wedding it was 2 weeks after the wedding of another of my friends (again I was bridesmaid), for my SIL's wedding it was again 2 nights in a hotel to attend, the date didnt suit us as we struggle financially and 2 weddings in 2 weeks with 2 DC was really more than we could afford, but we worked around it to he there for her wedding. I made a few jokes about how inconsiderate blah blah, but they were just lighthearted jokes, it was her wedding and I would never have dreamed of asking her to move the date.
My point is if they really wanted to be there they would move heaven and earth to be there, you will probably change venue and date and they will still say they can't go for x reason, they will only be happy if they get to go around the venues with you and pick the date. If your fiance is happy to say this is the date either change your holiday or don't come then I don't see a problem.

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 23/02/2020 11:46

So no drama at all then really. Confused

Rainbows8117 · 23/02/2020 11:51

Weddings trump anything,

No, they don't. Only entitled couples think that.

OP I know it's now sorted with MIL. However it's worth noting that it doesn't matter if it's 6 months, 8 months or 2 years away. If someone already has plans that are paid for it's unreasonable to expect them to cancel and rearrange no matter how much notice you think you are giving them.

Leflic · 23/02/2020 12:12

I am gobsmacked that you think it’s necessary for the grooms mother to cancel a long standing commitment. And his sister ( when she told you in advance she had plans).

Well all I can hope is that you have a wedding worthy of them rearranging their time for you.

There’s no reason you can’t just be married with no fuss and not involve anyone but you two. . I think it’s a bit much to want the other people there but then not factor their lives in.

MsMD · 23/02/2020 12:14

I thought everyone says Mumsnet hates MILs but this thread has been awful to OP and very pro-MIL and SIL! I'm assuming it's mothers of sons who are anticipating hating their future DIL already Confused

Kanga83 · 23/02/2020 12:15

Who on earth has complemented you for being chilled? In a week you have become engaged, booked a venue and a date and expecting your MIL and SIL to fawn over it? Your MIL is being incredibly reasonable, you are not. Your SIL's dates probably coincide with half term and likely to have been planned and booked around that. Focus on the marriage and not the wedding part of this.

whitesoxx · 23/02/2020 12:17

MsMd really?! Are you reading the same OP as me? Just because she tells you she's not Bridezilla doesn't mean it's true.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 12:21

I assume it is too MsMD! Grin

Yes I've been very chilled. Just gone ahead and booked stuff and not obsessed over the minor detail and spent 5 years planning it like most people do now.

And it should be pretty decent Leflic, currently finding out if we can have a fire pit and pool table - fingers crossed Grin

OP posts:
MsMD · 23/02/2020 12:22

@whitesoxx I honestly cannot believe you're reading the same thread as me!!

SIL told her not to book 'Late October' - OP did not, October 17th is the middle. Then it comes out SIL has a trip planned where the 17th is right in the middle of her trip, so SIL actually thought the 12th was 'late October'? And to add to that has not actually BOOKED anything yet - does that not come across as her trying to cause a problem where there isn't one? If she had such firm dates she should have said I can't do between x and x.

MIL had a trip planned - good for her. It's an annoying situation but it happens. I dont know why everyone assumes OP should be the one to change a once in a lifetime (hopefully) event for a yearly trip which can usually be rearranged much easier? No one is in the wrong in this one so I dont know why OP got such a hard time.

IndecentFeminist · 23/02/2020 12:25

You're being a bit silly. Two key people can't make it, you need to think again. If the venue is key, then get the next available date. As you say, weddings aren't rocket science so what's the problem with going back to work, moving house etc at a similar time?

thecatsthecats · 23/02/2020 12:27

I don't know anyone who's spent five years planning their wedding.

Ours was 13m because we didn't get around to booking our venue for 4 months, because I had a hideous time at work. Still found the time to check the date with my essential attendees.

The only person I know who set their date and booked her venue within a week was bridezilla of the century.

There's a pretty unnecessary vein of superiority in your post, which is rich when within a week you've managed to put your family's nose out of joint.

IndecentFeminist · 23/02/2020 12:27

I don't know anyone who has spent 5 yrs planning btw, most booked about a year in advance to allow time for bookings, prior arrangements, dresses etc. Personally it was 6 months for our wedding.

You're putting your DH in a horrible position, even if you tell him he can choose why put him in that position in the first place?

whitesoxx · 23/02/2020 12:36

So because SIL hasn't actually booked anything her family should go without their 2 week holiday? And you think it's easy for MIL to rearrange? No, she's cancelling, losing money and missing out. Probably impacting her friends too.

If the OP is as "gutted" as she claims then she wouldn't do it. I'd never prioritise a venue over family or DP. None of that shit matters in the end

Kanga83 · 23/02/2020 12:50

MsMD not the case at all. I'm NC with my MiL for reasons since my wedding (she harmed by child then ignored us for years). I arranged my wedding date around peoples key dates because I wasn't an entitled child and understood a wedding was just a day. I was more focused on the marriage part.

Gobbycop · 23/02/2020 12:56

Congratulations.

Enjoy your wedding day on the 17th 🙂

TheNewSchmoo · 23/02/2020 13:13

Hmmmm. Asked SIL in advance -ignored her. Can't change because of price rises, but reimbursing MIL costs, arranging pool tables and firepits....

Ragglesnaggle · 23/02/2020 13:21

Hurray OP!

Good news on MIL now going. SIL can bugger of and enjoy her late October that evidently will start on the 10th of the month.

I've no idea why PPs have ignored your clearly stated facts and think that YABU.

Have a great wedding day and enjoy your planning!