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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama HELP

243 replies

Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 21:29

Me and my now-fiancee got engaged on Valentines Day this year. We have a 7 month old daughter and have had no end of problems with his family since she has been born (his parents turned up at the hospital unannounced despite being told I didnt want hospital visitors, that kind of thing). Anyway we have tried to put it all behind us lately.

We set the wedding date for October this year, we viewed a venue we fell in love with and was told the only available date was the 17th.

A few days later I texted MIL to say we had set the date for 17th October. She replies to say she is going on a girls weekend away, and that we should have 'asked' her whether to book for the 17th.

Further to this SIL has been in touch to say they were planning to go away for 10 days (17th being slap bang in the middle) for their 10th wedding anniversary and although they havent actually booked anything, they dont feel they can rearrange this (bear in mind their actual anniversary is not in October). To be fair she did message when we got engaged saying late October wouldn't be good for them, but we cant book the venue for any other weekend (already booked or price hiking we cant afford).

AARGH! I am pulling my hair out. Surely your sons wedding trumps a weekend away with friends you see often? And a holiday that hasn't even been booked? (Could totally understand if it had been booked already).

Is it us??? AWBU????

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 23/02/2020 13:22

okay... you will never change these people... but you can change your response to them... and you start as you mean to go on... be bright and breezy.... and respond with.. Well that's a pity... enjoy your Girls weekend/non booked 10 day trip.. they sound like utter pricks so treat them as such... and whatever you do please.. do not pander/accommodate them... you will be making a rod for your own back ..... roll on October 17th OP 🌺

BumbleBeee69 · 23/02/2020 13:24

Aahh good update.... enjoy YOUR Wedding OP 😊

BackforGood · 23/02/2020 14:00

I'm surprised at how many posters think a girls weekend away and a maybe holiday at the end of the month for an anniversary in a different month are sufficient reason to change/amend wedding dates.

I doubt if anyone thinks a girls weekend away is more important than their ds's wedding @recycledbottle. You are missing the point. Obviously, if both were offered to the MiL at the same time then it would be the wedding every time, but that isn't what has happened. This was something that was ALREADY BOOKED, so therefore a date to be avoided. Completely different question. It would be entirely normal in the world I live in, for the B&G to ask the key people they want at the wedding, if there are any dates they can't do (give parameters - say between Aug and Dec), then, once they have them, to start looking at venues for the dates they have when everyone they want to, can be there.

By saying - I'm leaving it to dp to decide, you were being incredibly unfair, as you are putting him in a position to make a BIG choice between his mother and wife when there needn't have been that conflict at all.

However @Wolfgirrl - I'm glad you have resolved it and that your MiL has been so gracious over it. Well done to her.

pjmask · 23/02/2020 14:19

Wow so much spite and vitriol on this thread, poor op

IndecentFeminist · 23/02/2020 14:27

I don't think their has been spite. I think the OP comes across as rather supercilious, which can get hackles up I guess.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 14:34

Bit bemused that some posters have just kept posting sounding angrier and angrier Confused I think some people are taking this very personally and are perhaps rage-a-holics. Anyway I hope you all have a lovely Sunday Smile hopefully something can be worked out with SIL. Thanks for taking the time to reply, much appreciated and I took the views here into account when I spoke to MIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 14:54

PS - just seen the voting and apparently I'm not being unreasonable. Does this normally happen on MN, votes not matching comments? As I would say judging by comments IABU. Curious!

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 23/02/2020 17:30

Some ppl vote and don't comment @Wolfgirrl that's why.
Without sounding like I'm blowing my own trumpet, I still think you should've shown willing with MIL more and suggested they pay the difference for a higher-peak date at the same venue to accomodate everyone - at least you would appear to be bringing a solution with the problem.
Been with my DH for 20yrs so I have a lot of experience with ye olde MIL lol
Have a lovely wedding day OP!

AlpacaGoodnight · 23/02/2020 19:22

Great outcome! Enjoy your wedding! 8 months is ages, stay chilled Smile

Guiltypleasures001 · 23/02/2020 19:28

I've never given an opinion on this kind of post

But I think YABU sorry op

You didn't want his parents at the hospital
You never checked with his family even as a common courtesy whether they were available for the date..

It comes across as your way or the highway, and I wonder if he's worried about
upsetting you or else. At this rate your going to get a rep for being controlling and hard work.

I wonder just how much he's telling you the extent he's upset about the wedding date

Rainbows8117 · 23/02/2020 19:37

Some people comment and don't vote either. You can't vote on the app.

Arthritica · 23/02/2020 20:19

YABVU.

You are NC with your mum so your family isn't coming. You asked his sister and she said not late October (so I would have clarified dates personally, or assumed everything bar the start of the month as possibly a problem) AND your MIL goes away with her friends that weekend every year (surely your DH has noticed??).

But you expect them to "undserstand your dilemma" which isn't a dilemma at all. It's just a venue you fancy, at a cheaper rate.

Get over yourself and book somewhere else so your DH's family can come. Or admit you don't care that they come and are being petty over previous interactions.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 24/02/2020 23:46

Final update, SIL has messaged today to say they are going to see if they can book their holiday in in time to come back for the wedding 🙂 also received a nice message from MIL about us spending a bit more time together and offering help with the wedding planning, so I'm really hoping this is a fresh start for us all. Fingers crossed!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 24/02/2020 23:55

@Arthritica Yes my family are coming just not my mum, not sure how you jumped to that conclusion 😄

OP posts:
KC225 · 25/02/2020 07:11

What a lovely update OP. I'm glad that all parties are coming and you and your DH to be will be arriving at the venue of your choice. I hope you the take your MIL up on her offer of spending some time together to mend some fences, especially when you say that you all got on prior to the birth.

Good luck OP. I love a good outcome to 'fistfight' thread.

R2519 · 25/02/2020 08:28

@Wolfgirrl
I am flabbergasted at a lot of the posts here saying yabu. You are absolutely not. You have picked the only date available and given plenty of notice. I would never miss my daughters wedding regardless of the date. When my wife and I got married my cousin, who we didn’t know had a holiday planned, phoned me and said they had cancelled/ rearranged it, all without me even knowing they had it booked. I just can’t understand those saying that you should avoid dates for people who don’t even have a planned booking themselves. This is not a party, it’s a fucking wedding!

Anyway, from a guys perspective, you are definitely not being unreasonable and if my sister made things difficult or didn’t reciprocate things I had done for her in the past I would have a serious word with her.....something you need to get your partner to do!

Dowser · 25/02/2020 09:15

Before we booked our destination wedding I checked with family members to be sure they could get time off work, keep kids off school etc
We did give them 18 months notice
However, I would’ve changed the date if any of my children or grandchildren couldn’t have made it
Maybe you just have given them enough notice. For example we are booked to be on holiday in October if any of them spring a surprise like that on us.

pinknsparkly · 25/02/2020 09:32

You can't arrange the date around everyone else, particularly if you have a large family.

My husband and I eloped and arranged a fairly small family celebration for afterwards (40ish people, siblings, parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins only). I made the mistake of arranging the date to suit everyone - we ended up with a date that was almost 6 months after we got married (not an issue, with that many people it was to be expected really). However, the two people who had been most difficult/unavailable regarding dates and were the reason for it being so far away (time wise) from the wedding didn't even come. One told me with a couple of weeks notice - excuse being they "couldn't leave the dogs for that long" even though we'd booked the venue location as close to their house as possible (less than an hour) following the exact discussion about the dogs with them. The other didn't bother letting me know at all until I chased for the third time a couple of weeks in advance asking for their food choices and informed me that they were going to be in Botswana instead.... I'm still irritated three years later about it, and wish I'd simply booked exactly what WE wanted. On the plus side, it meant I feel absolutely zero regrets about getting married in secret as I imagine the same thing would have happened!

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