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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama HELP

243 replies

Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 21:29

Me and my now-fiancee got engaged on Valentines Day this year. We have a 7 month old daughter and have had no end of problems with his family since she has been born (his parents turned up at the hospital unannounced despite being told I didnt want hospital visitors, that kind of thing). Anyway we have tried to put it all behind us lately.

We set the wedding date for October this year, we viewed a venue we fell in love with and was told the only available date was the 17th.

A few days later I texted MIL to say we had set the date for 17th October. She replies to say she is going on a girls weekend away, and that we should have 'asked' her whether to book for the 17th.

Further to this SIL has been in touch to say they were planning to go away for 10 days (17th being slap bang in the middle) for their 10th wedding anniversary and although they havent actually booked anything, they dont feel they can rearrange this (bear in mind their actual anniversary is not in October). To be fair she did message when we got engaged saying late October wouldn't be good for them, but we cant book the venue for any other weekend (already booked or price hiking we cant afford).

AARGH! I am pulling my hair out. Surely your sons wedding trumps a weekend away with friends you see often? And a holiday that hasn't even been booked? (Could totally understand if it had been booked already).

Is it us??? AWBU????

OP posts:
Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 23:17

I would be surprised if they felt pushed out, we spend much more time with them than my family who are abroad, spread across the country etc. In fact we got along brilliantly before DDs birth and I am really sad at the way things have gone since.

OP posts:
Keha · 22/02/2020 23:17

Personally we did check with close family as to whether they could make the date before booking anything. At the same time, I am pretty sure my mum/MIL would miss a weekend with friends for the sake for my wedding. With the 10 year wedding anniversary holiday, it's hard to say. I know sometimes I have earmarked a certain week/weeks for a big event/holiday before booking as that is when we could both get annual leave, fits round work, could afford it etc. I do think 6 months is relatively short notice for a wedding these days. It's a bit hard to say who is being unreasonable without hearing the other side. It is your wedding and you must do what you want, but I hope you can find some middle ground.

ActualHornist · 22/02/2020 23:18

It's 8 months away on a Saturday.

YANBU. Especially as they have nothing booked.

stickerqueen · 22/02/2020 23:19

I never checked dates with anyone except my husband it never occurred for me to check everyone found out the date from there invites. our guests only had 4 months notice

JudyCoolibar · 22/02/2020 23:23

it's just that this date really works for us

But it doesn't "really work" if two close family members can't make it, does it? I'm in the "People are more important than venues" camp on this one.

AScarecrow · 22/02/2020 23:27

This is one of those threads where Mumsnet bears absolutely no resemblance to the real world, isn’t it?

Josette77 · 22/02/2020 23:27

Change the date. Your Dp won't tell you too but it's not right for his mum and sister not to be there. Especially as you say you were all close not long ago.
There's no reason you can't work and get married..
I checked with all of our parents and siblings ahead of time too.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 23:30

Confused sorry Scarecrow idk what you mean! I'm a newbie Blush

OP posts:
TheSoapyFrog · 22/02/2020 23:34

I do think that you should have made sure close family were available. 8 months for a wedding isn't long and many people already have holidays, trips etc planned and/or booked.
I do think your fiance will ultimately regret getting married without his mother and sister there.
However... I'm pretty sure if you were to go ahead on this date, both will attend because they won't want to miss it.

recycledbottle · 22/02/2020 23:40

I'm surprised at how many posters think a girls weekend away and a maybe holiday at the end of the month for an anniversary in a different month are sufficient reason to change/amend wedding dates. I don't see either as important. Girls weekend are common enough no? And the sister can celebrate her anniversary in the month it is actually in. I just think if you change it then another date may not suit for other reasons. I can understand trip of a lifetime/planned hospital proceedure/another close relative wedding or birth of new baby but not reasons provided.

eaglejulesk · 22/02/2020 23:41

If they really wanted to attend the wedding they would. Both "commitments" are very minor - especially SIL's as nothing has even been booked. You being able to use the venue you want to is important - they either attend or they don't, and as far as I am concerned they are being selfish. Also, the 17th is not "late October", and having to change your wedding plans to accommodate a girls weekend away is just ridiculous.

onanothertrain · 22/02/2020 23:49

I think YABU to not check with immediate family given the reasonably short notice

Notanotherflightdelay · 22/02/2020 23:50

Could it be that the wedding is of 2 people who already live together and have children- so they see it as not as important? I know that I have relatives who certainly feel that way.

Osirus · 22/02/2020 23:51

We didn’t check dates with anyone. But then we didn’t want anyone there anyway Grin.

I think ultimately OP it comes down to what your DP wants here. If he really wants them there, you’ll need to change venue.

Nancydrawn · 22/02/2020 23:54

OP, can I ask a counterfactual: how would you feel if your own mother had made plans already and was surprised by the news of your wedding date? That might help to clarify things.

Personally, if I had been in your SIL/MIL's shoes, I would have been annoyed but would have changed plans. Nevertheless, while you don't have to consult with everyone before scheduling a date, it does make sense to check with the people who you would really like to be there. (After all, you checked your own calendars.) That doesn't have to be a parent--I had a friend who was very strained with her parents but wanted to make sure her grandmother could be there. But if them being there is crucial, it's good to check with them first.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 23:55

If anyone felt that way I presume it would be my 90-something year old grandparents! But they're over the moon! I guess the fact we have a child takes some of the romance newlywed thing away Sad

OP posts:
JellyfishandShells · 22/02/2020 23:57

You don’t have to consult everyone but checking with immediate family ie parents on either side would been the polite and considerate thing to do.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 23:58

I'm not sure Nancy sadly I haven't seen my mum for many years. If you are implying favouritism I would be writing the same post if it concerned my own family, I like to think I am fair!

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 23/02/2020 00:02

Can't believe the stick OP is getting here. It is her wedding, her day, her choice. Neither soon to be MIL or SIL have anything booked so they can decide to go to the wedding or not.
If I was you OP, I would be hoping they go in a complete huff and don't want to attend. They sound difficult. You go for it and have a great day. 8 months is enough notice.

bananaskinsnomnom · 23/02/2020 00:05

I don’t think you’re wrong personally OP.

My sister never checked her wedding date with me or family! We were told when!

Likewise, whenever I’ve been a bridesmaid I’ve never been asked if the date would actually work. It was please be my bridesmaid, the wedding is on May 5th.

My only pointer would be book in and send save the dates ASAP as technically it’s a shorter notice wedding.

I think SIL is BU. Sorry, but that’s life, other events pop up. She can holiday at a different time. I’ve used up annual leave for weddings and missed a weekend away before for a wedding. I’ve had to book a shorter holiday due to a wedding. It’s her brother. If it was a friend, different.

They sound controlling. Don’t give in. The whole wedding will be at their mercy if you cave from the start.

You’ll fix a date that suits them, then it will be timings. The morning won’t work for them, they’ll have to get a hotel for 2 nights......MIL won’t like that menu you’ve chosen....SIL will prefer a different cake, they won’t want to sit with certain people.

It’s your wedding. Go for it.

SnoozyLou · 23/02/2020 00:07

I think the history, ie. that there have been "no end of problems", particularly turning up at the hospital, specifically against your wishes, following the birth of your child, that shines a whole different light on it. It makes me wonder whether she would have found a problem with any date you announced, possibly because you hadn't "asked". It sounds like a power trip to me. I'd have thought it would be inconceivable for most mothers to miss their son's wedding because of a girls' weekend she'd never even mentioned before, but there we are.

TanquerayTickles · 23/02/2020 00:11

We got married 9 months after getting engaged and I wanted to get married at home in Ireland at our family church where the rest of my family married, parents, siblings. cousins, etc. I still checked with both sets of parents and siblings that the dates were good for everyone before confirming, because our families being there was more important than the venue. I would have married elsewhere or on a different date if the families couldn't have made it.

I understand the venue and date are important to you but you have to decide which is more important, close family members being there or the venue. For me that wouldn't be a tough choice.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 00:15

Not that it's relevant to this thread but I had a high risk pregnancy and problematic birth. My daughter arrived unexpectedly at 36w and so I wanted a couple of days to recover and learn to bf before seeing anyone (applied to my family too). Aren't I selfish and controlling Wink

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 23/02/2020 00:16

Autumn weddings are lovely. I married on Oct 18th and it was a beautiful day.

You've given eight months notice, I'd have thought mother in law could cancel and rearrange her do to accommodate you.

Hotchocolate321 · 23/02/2020 00:23

Book your wedding for when YOU want to get married, if people want to come they rearrange. If people asked every single guest what date worked, well you’d never get married, someone will have plans no matter when you decide to do it!

We booked our wedding about feb time for August, although we had told people the date about a year before. My sister in law had a holiday to Australia booked for when the wedding was, they moved the flights and flew out the day after we got married. I said to them they didn’t need to as it was booked but they wanted to come. My in laws best friends were away on holiday, they obviously didn’t attend. The people we were bothered about took days off work (it was mid week) and made the effort, as we always have for people who we care about and want to see get married.

I had a lot of drama with my wedding with in laws trying to turn it into a royal wedding (they had their own guest list lol), so I can sort of understand the stress you feel. I just kept them at arms length and told them what was booked rather than opening things up for debate. My mother in law wasn’t actually speaking to me on my wedding day, she had a slanging match with me 3 days before and I hadn’t seen her before the wedding (she’s a church goer and acts like a saint, not the sort you’d expect to be screaming and shouting). I spoke to her once all day, a forced interaction signing the register with the videographer recording 😆. She said congrats, I said thanks. I was surprised she didn’t wear black 🤣. Weddings do bring out the crazy in people, it’s amazing.

Anyway ignore them all, happy wedding planning.

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