Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama HELP

243 replies

Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 21:29

Me and my now-fiancee got engaged on Valentines Day this year. We have a 7 month old daughter and have had no end of problems with his family since she has been born (his parents turned up at the hospital unannounced despite being told I didnt want hospital visitors, that kind of thing). Anyway we have tried to put it all behind us lately.

We set the wedding date for October this year, we viewed a venue we fell in love with and was told the only available date was the 17th.

A few days later I texted MIL to say we had set the date for 17th October. She replies to say she is going on a girls weekend away, and that we should have 'asked' her whether to book for the 17th.

Further to this SIL has been in touch to say they were planning to go away for 10 days (17th being slap bang in the middle) for their 10th wedding anniversary and although they havent actually booked anything, they dont feel they can rearrange this (bear in mind their actual anniversary is not in October). To be fair she did message when we got engaged saying late October wouldn't be good for them, but we cant book the venue for any other weekend (already booked or price hiking we cant afford).

AARGH! I am pulling my hair out. Surely your sons wedding trumps a weekend away with friends you see often? And a holiday that hasn't even been booked? (Could totally understand if it had been booked already).

Is it us??? AWBU????

OP posts:
Luckystar20 · 22/02/2020 22:44

Yabu more so after you're date you only just got engaged what was the rush. You expecting people to drop their plans to accommodate you. You sound like a bridezilla I would never pick a venue over key guests.

SoloMummy · 22/02/2020 22:44

I never get these posts. Most couples I know discuss these things with the key parties, aka parents or siblings, as appropriate, before deciding unilaterally if they wish for those members to attend. You cannot really complain about them when you haven't included them in any discussion and were fully aware that the sil had earmarked October.

Put into context, many people have already booked annual leave etc and by today's standards, 7 months notice isn't huge. I have certainly booked my annual leave etc based around my family unit's needs and if a sibling were to announce a wedding that I'd already stated was at a difficult time, I'd probably view it that my attendance wasn't really seen as a priority. Which would be fair play.

If you don't consult key players re dates, then you have to expect there to be declines. What's more important the venue or the ceremony with the nearest and dearest present?

Chewbecca · 22/02/2020 22:44

And work / moving house are not really good reasons not to get married next year.

Qwerty543 · 22/02/2020 22:45

Did you know your MIL had booked and paid for a weekend away that weekend?

Molly2017 · 22/02/2020 22:46

I’d find a different venue so as to accommodate a date change.
There will be plenty more with availability.
Given MiLs break is already booked, SiL advised October was no good and your DP has expressed disappointment if they can’t come, it won’t be a good/happy day if you go ahead.

LightDappledLeaves · 22/02/2020 22:46

Thinking of my own wedding, it would have been nicer without PIL there 😂😂

NearlyGranny · 22/02/2020 22:48

They are beginning as they mean to go on, and so should you! The only appropriate response is, "Oh, shame about that."

If you once start trying to work around their 'plans' it will never end.

rookiemere · 22/02/2020 22:48

What type of holiday is MIL going on? Is it abroad or in UK ? Neither you nor your DP seem that bothered- you waited for a few days before telling her the date - surely if it actually mattered to your DP that she was there he'd text her whilst you were at the venue.

SallySun123 · 22/02/2020 22:51

I think a lot of people do check with the closest members of their family that a certain date will be suitable

^this

Bowerbird5 · 22/02/2020 22:52

I would just go with it. Which is more important to them?
I chopped and changed to accommodate FIL ( he had a position in meetings) only to book it all and then find out my father couldn’t make it as he would then be away at sea. If I regret one thing it is trying to accommodate the in laws. My dad never gave me away and he died a few years later.

I can’t believe some people are saying it is not enough time bloody hell it is 8months away.

CongratulationsOP I hope you have a lovely day. Your wedding is your day. Have the venue you want and they will have to fit in with your plans. Your wedding should trump a holiday with friends and a might book holiday. I actually LOL when you said it wasn’t actually their anniversary at that time.

SnoozyLou · 22/02/2020 22:57

Nope, sorry. Terribly sorry you can't make it, but this is the only date we can do so we'll just have to muddle through without you.

It sounds like it might be a blessing in disguise anyway.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 22/02/2020 22:57

You'd be wildly unreasonable to put your DP in a position where he has to choose to get married without his family there.

TiptopJ · 22/02/2020 22:57

Sorry but you sound like the difficult one here. Grandparents come to see their sons child - wow what horrible people! Sister in law wants to celebrate her 10th wedding anniversary- what a spiteful cow! mother in law has a holiday pre booked with friends- jeez that women eh? How can you not care that your future husbands family wont be at your wedding? Is a venue really more important to you?

Drum2018 · 22/02/2020 22:58

Elope. If plans are already stressing people out god knows what you will all be like come October.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 22:59

Thank you Smile I don't feel 8 months is a quick wedding, 3 months yes but today's culture of being engaged for 3 years baffles me a little. My grandparents are extremely elderly and I would love to have them there so don't want to put it off for ages.

I'm very sorry to hear about your father Sad and that you were put in such a position. It's hard trying to please everyone.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 22/02/2020 23:05

Personally, I would've checked parents' and siblings' availability beforehand.
I don't think YABU for pressing ahead with the date you want, but you do have to bear in mind that MIL and SIL won't forget this. Particularly if you insist on a date that they have both told you is inconvenient for them. Their reaction may tarnish the memories of your wedding, especially for DP.
Couldn't you just book it for October next year, and let them know now? So they have no excuses.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2020 23:06

You’re not trying to please everyone Grin

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 22/02/2020 23:08

You're not trying to please anyone though, are you?

It would be really unfair on your DP to expect him to go ahead with a date without his mum and his sister there.

Crunchymum · 22/02/2020 23:09

I dont understand how a later weekend is going to cause such a price hike? Surely as long as you avoid Xmas, it's just the winter rates?

Outingpost · 22/02/2020 23:10

Is there a reason your fiancé didn’t discuss the dates and arrangements with his mother/siblings before the booking ?

I know I did discuss with people from both sides before

Having said that though they sound difficult

Are they feeling pushed out ? Not that it excuses but might be the source of all this fuss ?

recycledbottle · 22/02/2020 23:12

It's a difficult one. It depends on personality of in laws. A girls weekend isn't a big deal in my book and not worth missing my sons wedding over. Same with a maybe holiday in a different month to the actual anniversary. I was always checking everything with in laws but they were never happy so just gave up. Maybe you are selfish and you could of easily come up with a suitable date or your in laws would have dictated a date that suited them only. Only you know.

SnoozyLou · 22/02/2020 23:12

If MIL didn't tell you before you booked, how were you to know? You should have "asked"? For what, permission?

As other posters have said, I think she's flexing her muscles and getting SIL to chip in for added pressure. If SIL said end of October, that isn't the 17th to me.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 23:13

As I said before it is DPs choice, the decision isn't mine. I've told him if he wants to change the date then we will find something, it's just that this date really works for us and we hoped our family would understand. I can totally appreciate the view that we only have ourselves to blame, I just hoped family would be good natured about it Sad at least that's what I would do.

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 22/02/2020 23:16

"I've told him if he wants to change the date then we will find something"
Nah. If you didn't want to go ahead with the date and damn the consequences you'd insist on a date his family could attend. You are being unreasonable - on him.

iLovee · 22/02/2020 23:16

My MIL tried to get us to change the date of our wedding because my BIL's gf of a couple of months was on holiday then. We hadn't even met her at this point! We went ahead with our date and BIL broke up with her months before the wedding.

You can't please everyone OP, but if you a good relationship going forward I would recommend looking at different dates to keep the peace 😊

Swipe left for the next trending thread