Wedding drama HELP

[Wolfgirrl]

Me and my now-fiancee got engaged on Valentines Day this year. We have a 7 month old daughter and have had no end of problems with his family since she has been born (his parents turned up at the hospital unannounced despite being told I didnt want hospital visitors, that kind of thing). Anyway we have tried to put it all behind us lately.

We set the wedding date for October this year, we viewed a venue we fell in love with and was told the only available date was the 17th.

A few days later I texted MIL to say we had set the date for 17th October. She replies to say she is going on a girls weekend away, and that we should have 'asked' her whether to book for the 17th.

Further to this SIL has been in touch to say they were planning to go away for 10 days (17th being slap bang in the middle) for their 10th wedding anniversary and although they havent actually booked anything, they dont feel they can rearrange this (bear in mind their actual anniversary is not in October). To be fair she did message when we got engaged saying late October wouldn't be good for them, but we cant book the venue for any other weekend (already booked or price hiking we cant afford).

AARGH! I am pulling my hair out. Surely your sons wedding trumps a weekend away with friends you see often? And a holiday that hasn't even been booked? (Could totally understand if it had been booked already).

Is it us??? AWBU????

Has your mil booked and paid out a significant amount for this girls weekend? In her shoes I’d be rather miffed if she had. But I agree op, your child’s wedding trumps that. It sounds as if you are expected to be the accommodating ones because you’ve been overly so in the past. Your sils complaint is ridiculous. They get to go away at another time or just after your wedding.

Unfortunately my opinion Me personally I disagree I wouldn't think to check with anyone to make sure they had the date free?
Someone is always not going to make a certain date if you gave people an option & at the end of the day it's YOUR special day

I know plenty of people that have chose a date that means something to them I.e the date they got together, a Birthday.
What happens then? Do you just not have it on that day? But then that means it's not your choice of day?
Maybe sit down with them both
Explain it's the only day they can do & see where you can go from there?

I don't think I'd want all this drama tbh @Wolfgirrl because either way you and/or DP are going to feel awful if they make a big fuss about cancelling stuff (and they keep bringing it up in years to come) or they don't attend at all (and they keep bringing it up in years to come) - so, if you look at it this way, I would sit down with the inlaws and ask if they can help pay for the difference in the higher peak dates so that they can attend. It's the best thing all round I think - even with the history, try not to bite back and let it cloud your judgement here.
On a side note, the SIL obviously wants to go away during school holidays - she can't take them out of school... some academies have 2 weeks for Halloween.

Change the date and don't allow your DP to feel like it's "his decision" because you're putting him in a really difficult position OP - he knows deep down you'd feel a little betrayed if he thought that you thought he was taking their "side" and changed the date - but it's his mom at the end of the day OP, his mother! Talk to them and settle something.
Congratulations btw.

Checking the date with core family really is standard. People make plans as you have experienced. Even the trip that hasn’t been booked may be constrained by already requested annual leave.

Whilst I think YANBU I do think you would benefit from changing the venue. You don't want your SIL's family to come to the wedding and then leave early because they have a 5am flight the next morning or something petty like that. Or MIL mentioning how she is missing time with the girls.
If you can, just be the bigger person, change the venue and remember that just because someone is family it doesn't make them your friend!

To those saying they checked their dates, really??

The only people we checked with were my ILs because they were traveling internationally for it, and we needed to make sure they'd be here. However, that was month only, and not the actual day. They fitted the rest of their visit around the day we picked.

I have never known anyone to decide days according to what family wants.

If you change this now, op they will continue to dictate to you what you should/shouldn't be doing. They trampled over your wishes post birth, and are doing it again now. This year - controlling your wedding, next year - controlling where you move to!

If you dp is happy to continue, he probably knows they have form for this.

Do what if best for you both.

Yes we cleared the dates with our parents and siblings. We didn’t expect grandparents to be able to travel (family is widespread), but if they lived closer we would have cleared the date with them as well. Cousins, aunts, old university friends, those people you just announce the date and hope for the best.

Congratulations OP. I think you are getting a hard time on this thread. I don't think you are being selfish. I am another one who thinks 17th is NOT the end of October and your is your MIL saying she miss her son's wedding to go on a girl's wedding? Surely, weddings trump girl's weekends and holidays not even booked yet.

If things have been fractious since the birth of your daughter then I think they are flexing a bit of 'see how you like it' muscle.

OP, genuinely wasn't trying to imply favoritism--sometimes it's easier to imagine things in one's own life, is all. I was partly trying to put your husband's reaction in perspective for you, asking whether you'd feel the same way. If the answer were yes, you might feel more comfortable in your frustration; if the answer were no, you might feel better about reconsidering. Not at all meant to be snide, although I understand why it might have sounded that way.

As it stands, it sounds like it's not relevant. I'm sorry to hear you haven't seen your mother recently--it sounds like a painful story (not prying).

I think you have every right to book your wedding for whenever you want but personally if I was booking something within 12 months I would check that date worked for the people I want at the wedding the most.

For me that would be some family and closest friends.

I get that you really want this venue and really want this year but you should have checked.

You knew your SIL wanted to go away for a couple of weeks in October already and still booked it for then and without checking with anyone else.

So it's for you and your partner to make a choice but they aren't being unreasonable in my opinion.

Your thread title says HELP but what do you actually want help with? You sound adamant that it has to be the 17th, so if they won’t cancel their plans then you’ll have to go ahead without them. 🤷‍♀️

I suspect they will cancel their plans, but only after a great deal of huffing and puffing and there will be an atmosphere for years because of it. Do you really need that sort of drama in your life?

I think the SIL is being a bit U but it’s hard to say about his mother without knowing more about the weekend away. If it’s for a best friends big birthday or anniversary then it will be crap for the friend if it’s all booked and they have to pull out. I can see her point.

Does the venue honestly have nothing in November? I’m guessing the peak prices are up to September then around Christmas so perhaps the 17th October is the first available date at the lower price, but not the only available date at the lower price iyswim. November is usually a quiet month for everything.

Just get married on the day that you have chosen, I would not be bothered about other people. whoever they are. This is the thing about some weddings, as in you are supposed to think about other people, but you seriously should not have to.

Plus, there is ALWAYS another venue. As nice as this one is, it’s not worth a family feud over.

The venue I had booked (also at eight months notice) burnt down four months before my wedding so I had to find somewhere else at short notice.

My sister just got engaged. I don't expect to be consulted on dates, and wild horses couldn't keep me from going. If I already have plans then I'll change them.

Surely that's what normal people do? I couldn't envisage even considering prioritising a maybe holiday or a weekend with my mates over my sister's wedding.

We also didn't consult with anybody either. The date was chosen by us for a specific reason, and enjoying the many years after the wedding was more important to us than whether someone wanted to go on holiday.

I think you have 2 choices.

1 - carry on with the date and venue you have chosen.
2 - You, OH and baby elope. Gretna maybe?

We put off getting married for years, but eventually rushed things as my dad was told his cancer treatment had failed and he hadn't got long left. Quickie wedding at the Reg Office for us.

I can actually see your mils point. I've just booked a trip away in October. It's the only trip I have had in over a year. I'd be pretty annoyed if I had to cancel. I don't think six months is much notice.

Surely it's your partners call. He messed up by not checking with them but if he is OK with them missing the wedding then that's his decision.

Weddings are a massive pain for stuff like this, particularly if you've slightly difficult family. Up to you if/where you want to draw your line in the sand.

You know the personalities of those involved, if you chose that date will they not go? If so then I'd say for your partner it's likely to put a dampener on the day, and cause a rift which could last years. For me that wouldn't be worth any venue, but I do hate confrontation and my family aren't selfish 🤷‍♀️

If I'd booked and paid for a trip away, I'd be pretty pissed off at losing the money and cancelling on friends to attend my son's wedding but I'd do it. It would definitely make me see you both in a different light though and I wouldn't forget it.

It's sensible to check with people before you book if their attendance is important to you.

You haven't answered if you know what MILs weekend plans are.

If I were her, I'd cancel, but I'd wonder why my DS couldn't avoid the one weekend I already had paid for plans, and it would be embarrassing to explain to my friends that I couldn't come because DS didn't take the trip into consideration.

If they care they will be there. Maybe with some huffs and puffs but they will x

My DDs both checked with all parents that the dates of their weddings didn't clash with anything else planned.
There are two people getting married here, not just the OP! Of course your dp wants his mother there!
And regarding your comment about your MIL being controlling by turning up at hospital after a traumatic birth, why is that so wrong? She most likely wanted to see her new grandchild, and make sure you and her son were ok. FFS, I'm pretty certain that you weren't breastfeeding 24/7! It's absolutely normal for grandparents to want to visit their new grandchild as soon as possible, and very odd that you'd not want them to when you're still in hospital. I'm afraid you're the controlling one.

Your MIL may lose money if she has to cancel her trip for your wedding. Are you prepared to reimburse her for this?

This one thing could impact the relationship between you, your partner and his family forever. Is it worth it?

You didn't check if they were free but you expect them to change their plans as, in your eyes, it's not good enough reasons not to attend.

You also need to consider whether down the line if your partner will start to resent you if this causes issues between him and his family.

I understand SIL hasn't booked anything solid yet but maybe they've booked time off work, sorted childcare, only time they can go? DH and I are limited to when we can go away.

I guess MIL could move her weekend so that's less an issue.

I think you sound like the relationship with ILs is done for you already so I wouldn't worry if it has to be this date. Just be aware of the long term grudges people can hold!

No worries Nancy you weren't to know and I understand what you're saying, I can see whether my opinion is being coloured by the fact we fell out by considering whether I would feel the same about my own family. I can say hand on heart I would, some of my family members work weekends etc so we ran the same risk with them.