AIBI to of asked my DH for help at 2am?

[Amys136]

Dd10months has been ill with a cough for ages. Wakes up about an hour ago and is coughing until she brings up loads of muccusy vomit all over the both of us.

I go into our room and wake DH up, whose was out till 12:30 and ask him to clean the baby up while I sort myself out. Took me ages to get him to wake up then he just lies there while I’ve got hold of the baby whose is now much recovered and trying to play with her sick.

Then he gestures for me to just pas the baby to him in bed, I didn’t want sick all over the bed and I wanted him to actually be cleaning the baby. Starts going on about my attitude, there’s no point going to bed, ffs etc

Finally gets him to sit up and he just sits there with the baby. So tell him again to start cleaning up the baby, more stuff about me from him.

Basically by the time he actually starts cleaning her up I’ve changed pjs and washed all the sick off me.

AIBI for expecting him to get up and start cleaning up the baby while I sort myself out or should I just of let him sleep and sorted us both out?

But if him helping means that the baby is clean and dry and asleep quicker, then that’s what’s best for the ill baby, surely? OP’s needs or desires, or that of her DH, don’t really come into it. Not sure why people aren’t seeing this. From the way OP describes it, this is not just a blob of milky sick on a sleepsuit and another one on OP’s PJs. I’m going to assume that if she feels strongly enough to post on here about it then the situation was much worse that that, bad enough to warrant a post, not that it was just a fleck of sick and a quick sleepsuit change.

But then I don’t do petty game playing or points scoring crap in my relationships and don’t “punish” someone in a passive aggressive way, so if it’s really true that some people act this way, then OP should come back and admit if she was actually annoyed that he’d gone out.

My dh would have got up & cleaned the baby up if I woke him. No grumbling or moaning.

If he was due to be up early for work I would probably have managed myself.

Two of our dc had an awful d&v bug last year, it was relentless! I woke dh for a couple of nights even though he had to be up for work otherwise our dc would be sat shivering while I cleaned them/their beds up. It made more sense to both get on with it.

But if him helping means that the baby is clean and dry and asleep quicker, then that’s what’s best for the ill baby, surely?
This
If my child had vomited all over themselves and needed redressing they'd be upset. Yes I could dump them on the carpet whilst I remade the bed and got myself clean. But they'd much rather be held and cuddled. And a baby crying on the carpet is much more likely to vomit than a calm one having cuddles.

Some mental responses on this thread. Of course he should have got up and helped! He didn't necessarily need to do it with a smile, but he should have done as asked without the tantrum. The idea that the op should have done it all because someone somewhere else is a single mum is bonkers, it's like the threads where women complain about not getting enough maintnece and other people come on to say how grateful she should be because they've only been given 20p and a book token in 10 years. We don't tolerate shit make behaviour because some other men are even worse. As to the idea that he shouldn't have to do any night time parenting because he'd been out drinking all evening, that's even crazier! Are we seriously saying that men should be able to ditch their responsibilities all evening by going out drinking, and then get rewarded for it by not having to do any night time parenting? Jesus people, let's raise the bar!

If the baby is ill enough to be vomiting up enough mucus to soak the OP and the bed then that didn't come out of thin air. The baby was obviously ill before hand. That means the husband has been out all evening leaving op to care for a sick baby by herself. Given that he's off and having a lie in tomorrow, and the op had been doing all the work all evening while he had a nice time going out, you could easily argue that he should have done all the night time parenting!

OP I had a similar situation recently where the baby threw up milk all over the place at 2am. Yes I woke my dp up, yes he got up and changed the baby and the bed sheets without complaining, and no he wouldn't have gone out in the first place leaving me to cope alone with a sick baby unless there was a very good reason. We really really need to stop tolerating and normalising men being shit dad's and husbands.

But if him helping means that the baby is clean and dry and asleep quicker, then that’s what’s best for the ill baby, surely?

But she could have been just as quick on her own. Strip off own PJ's and then clean up baby and settle them down and then go and clean self up while baby in bed.

DH getting up doesn't get baby to sleep quicker.

Now the op has had broken sleep, the DH has had broken sleep plus it was meant to be his turn for a lay in. Had op just dealt with the night time she could have woken DH this morning, explained the bad night and asked that he took baby and let her sleep in. It would be a bit off to expect him to give up his one lay in today when she's also woken him in the night too and had a row.

it is interesting that so many posters have a rule that the person getting the lie-in also shouldn't get woken during the night. We always did it the other way round, otherwise you'd have one parent getting a night out plus a 10-hour kip and the other one getting woken umpteen times then being up for 6am. Bit brutal.

For huge vomiting sessions like that we had it down to a fine double-act art though. Vomited-on parent cleaned up self, non-vomited-on parent cleaned up child, then whoever was done first did the bed and carpets or whatever while the other one did cuddles and settling.

If the baby is ill enough to be vomiting up enough mucus to soak the OP and the bed then that didn't come out of thin air. The baby was obviously ill before hand. That means the husband has been out all evening leaving op to care for a sick baby by herself. Given that he's off and having a lie in tomorrow, and the op had been doing all the work all evening while he had a nice time going out, you could easily argue that he should have done all the night time parenting!

Op has already said that she's out tonight though so following your argument she either needs to cancel or, when she gets back give her DH the night off and do all night time duty.

I find the lie in situation odd as well, so someone does all night and gets up early, the other sleeps all night soundly and also has the lie in

So when you've cleaned the baby up (trying not to re-vomit coat them due to the vomit on your own hair and chest whilst the baby tries to snuggle in) you put the baby in the cot so you can go shower/clean up. The baby is upset, probably tired, crying from the shock of being sick. At this point you don't wake the child's father to cuddle the baby while you clean up, you would rather leave a crying baby in the cot?? Each to their own I guess

Does it matter how.individual couples work it though just so.longbas it's fair and both get equal nights out/lie ins?

Neither of us really drank much so getting up early the morning after was fine but maybe if you want to go.out and have a few drinks then not having to get up at the crack.of dawn is appreciated. As long as both partners are in agreement and both get the opportunity then that's fine isn't it?

What I think is silly is causing both partners to have a broken night's sleep when one could have managed, leaving the other refreshed in the morning to hold the fort whilst the other one caught up.on sleep.

I would have done it myself. It wasn't worth waking him up for. If my DH was dealing with the baby in the night I'd expect him to deal with it himself.

I dunno, given the choice, I'd much rather be woken to change/comfort my sick baby for 2 minutes than have said baby be left in the cot or on a carpet while covered in sick, especially if I was already getting a lie-in in the morning. Clearly OP's partner feels differently.

Surely it's quicker to clean baby up and pop back in cot THEN clean yourself? Rather than faff about waking somebody else?

hearhooves is the baby is still ill enough to be vomiting up mucus? If yes then I'd cancel my plans. But I think we both know that regardless of having been out, the op will be doing the night time parenting by herself tonight as well. If her husband is sat their thinking "well she's been out all evening having a nice time while I look after a sick baby, so it's only fair that she now gets an unbroken nights sleep as well while I do all the night feeds" I'll die of shock. No, the second OP walks back in the door he will consider himself off duty for the rest of time. And he'll probably expect a month's worth of praise for even doing that much.

I can't believe the hard time you're getting here. I had the same situation last week and I woke my DH for help. He sorted the bedding while I sorted DD. I've just asked him whether I should have left him to sleep and he said of course not. Because we're a team. And he's not a knob.

Hopefully you can manage a proper conversation about it and sort things out.

Well no bygrab we don't know any such thing do we?

So it took him like five minutes to properly wake from a deep sleep, in which time he held the baby but didn’t manage to wash her?

Sorry I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. Unless of course the unwritten backstory is that he NEVER helps out at night and NEVER wakes when the baby wakes etc.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings erm projecting much? Lots of us have kids with decent men who are happy to look after their own kids without needing a prize. You know, like most women do

Yanbu. When a baby or small child vomits in the night that’s the one job that generally needs two people in the night.

Usually with mine it was one to sort the baby and one to remake the bed, but obviously depends when the sick has gone. You have my sympathy as exh was crap at doing this too.

No way is this unreasonable!!! I appreciate single parents have to do it themselves and hats off to them, but you aren't a single parent, he is there and you need assistance!
Why struggle through and let your baby just fester in vomit to prove you can do it yourself when your perfectly capable husband could assist and everyone can get back to sleep quicker. Parenting is a two man job, you sign up to night wake ups, he needs to get over it!

I wouldn’t have woke my DH. Surely you could deal with it on your own? Can’t understand it. Just sounds like you made him get up just because he was out drinking?

How am I projecting? People on this thread are saying that the op should do everything herself because some people are single parents, and that it's reasonable for a man who has just had the whole evening to himself and will be sleeping in the next day to refuse to get up and help his sick kid in the night time. That is an example of normalising and excusing shit behaviour by men. The fact that some (not sure it's "most") women have brilliant helpful husbands doesn't change the fact that the bar for men in general and fathers in particular is extremely low. Just spend 5 minutes on the relationships board of you don't believe me. Not sure what I'm supposed to be projecting by pointing that out?

If he had a few drinks then tbh I wouldnt expect him to be use or ornament in middle of the night.

Even though parenting is a two way cooperation I personally would have dealt with it myself which I’ve always done, one b3cause it’s quicker than waiting for them to muster to do it and 2, I can do it my way. Single parents have to do it by themselves so why can’t the rest of us. I used to clean baby first and then sort myself out. But each to thier own. On another note, he decided to go out so he should be prepared for any scenario, wether or not you are the main caregiver. Although I do feel like guys do things crap on purpose so you don’t ask them to do it again.

Single parents can get up quickly and care competently for a sick baby at 2am even if they've had a night out, so why can't he? If married mothers are going be held to the same standard as single parents then so can fathers!