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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBI to of asked my DH for help at 2am?

218 replies

Amys136 · 22/02/2020 03:04

Dd10months has been ill with a cough for ages. Wakes up about an hour ago and is coughing until she brings up loads of muccusy vomit all over the both of us.

I go into our room and wake DH up, whose was out till 12:30 and ask him to clean the baby up while I sort myself out. Took me ages to get him to wake up then he just lies there while I’ve got hold of the baby whose is now much recovered and trying to play with her sick.

Then he gestures for me to just pas the baby to him in bed, I didn’t want sick all over the bed and I wanted him to actually be cleaning the baby. Starts going on about my attitude, there’s no point going to bed, ffs etc

Finally gets him to sit up and he just sits there with the baby. So tell him again to start cleaning up the baby, more stuff about me from him.

Basically by the time he actually starts cleaning her up I’ve changed pjs and washed all the sick off me.

AIBI for expecting him to get up and start cleaning up the baby while I sort myself out or should I just of let him sleep and sorted us both out?

OP posts:
Phrowzunn · 22/02/2020 07:44

“It is depressing that so many people on here think he’s done his job by earning and therefore shouldn’t have to do any parenting and has the right to be rude to you.”

This is so true! What is with everyone on this thread? Basically because you’re on maternity leave you’re not allowed to wake up the important man from his important sleep because he has an important job? What year is this? I thought we had moved on to valuing women and respecting their choices and valuing work in the home..? Not on mumsnet it seems.

OP it was perfectly fine and normal for you to wake him up to ask for help, and yes he would have been groggy after just being woken up, so I can understand him possibly needing to be told a couple of times what you actually need, but it is absolutely not acceptable for him to start berating you about your ‘attitude’. It is HIS attitude that stinks (along with a load of MNers). As my DH always says - ‘it’s a team sport’ (and he has an important job and I am just a SAHM).

BendingSpoons · 22/02/2020 07:55

YANBU. Some of these comments make me cross.
'You are on maternity and earning zero money' so? It is presumably a joint choice. The OP is caring for a 10 month old who probably doesn't want cuddles on the sofa all day. If she was back at work, they would have to pay childcare.
'He was only asleep two hours' Is this a problem because he is a man? The OP has been up 8+ times a night recently. I doubt she has had more than 2 hours sleep in a row. Plus he could go back to sleep for hours.

OP YANBU to say 'I'm struggling, please help'. You don't need to be a martyr or superwoman like some people reckon, and do it all yourself. It's not a big deal to ask your DH to help for 10 mins.

Octopus37 · 22/02/2020 07:58

TBH I cannot imagine a vomiting baby not waking me up, but I think that goes with the territory of being a Mum, you wake up at the slightest thing.

needmoresleep1 · 22/02/2020 07:59

He prob wasn't even awake and didn't know what was going on! I'm sure he would have helped you otherwise I'm sure

tangled2 · 22/02/2020 08:00

When there's copious vomit in our house it's definitely a two person job! Yes it's possible with one, but much quicker with two. My one is usually really upset at being sick too so I don't want to put her on the floor while I change drenched clothes and pick bits of food off the floor/her cot. Her dad also would rather comfort his upset baby and then go back to sleep. Despite being so tired from his incredibly important job. 🙄

BendingSpoons · 22/02/2020 08:00

Plus I don't really get the single parent comparisons. Yes, single parents have to manage themselves, full respect to them. But surely the point of being married/in a partnership is you support each other? Of course the OP could have coped alone, and would have done if her DH was out, but he wasn't.

Mumofone1902 · 22/02/2020 08:00

You say you both have a lie in a week. If it was your lie in tomorrow and he woke you up early to help him clean his sick covered baby because he got sick on himself and wanted to shower, I'm sure you would be fuming and tell him to do it alone as that's what you do when he's at work.

Him cleaning the baby and sheets covered in sick would mean he'd probably get sick on himself as well. Whereas seeing as you were already covered in sick you may as well have stripped the baby and bed when you stripped yourself and showered with the baby.

Magenta83 · 22/02/2020 08:01

I can't believe how many people are saying she was being unreasonable. Sometimes me and DH will deal with things on our own during the night and other times we wake the other up. Often with the noise the other wakes up. I've had to deal with being thrown up on my own but if my DH was there it's easier to have help. Her DH would have caught up on sleep with a lie in or during the weekend.

Starryskiesinthesky · 22/02/2020 08:06

I think you know best as to whether it was reasonable and it sounds like you thought it was at the time. That suggests you thought he would actually help whereas this time he didn’t.

I guess sometimes we are all a bit crap (him) though.

So I think you were reasonable to ask him.

Kungfupanda67 · 22/02/2020 08:08

It depends if he’d been drinking - if my husband was drunk I probably wouldn’t bother because he’d be useless (much like you describe your husband being!). It’s not impossible to do both of you, so I’d have just got on with it. If he wasn’t drunk I’d have woken him up to help.

To the PP with the 1950s style ‘he’s earning money so you should do everything’ - OP’s on mat leave, so still earning, OP’s husband isn’t earning anything at 2.30 in the morning. You’d have an argument if she’d phoned him to come home from work to help clean sick up.

fieldofwheat · 22/02/2020 08:11

I don't think in that situation that I would have woken my dh - but we also have a 3yo who he will be up with about 6am.

But I know that if I did he would be totally fine about getting up and helping - even if he had been out.

If he'd had lots to drink (which is very rare with two small DS) then I wouldn't wake him - what use will he be?!

Hope your baby is better soon.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 22/02/2020 08:14

If it was your lie in tomorrow and he woke you up early to help him clean his sick covered baby because he got sick on himself and wanted to shower, I'm sure you would be fuming and tell him to do it alone as that's what you do when he's at work.

If she was only asked to sort out the baby while he put on some clean pajamas she would be a monumental arsehole.

Noconceptofnormal · 22/02/2020 08:18

Yabu, you could have done both yourself with really not a lot of work, it takes a minute or two two change you Pyjamas, so you've woken your husband up to save yourself 2 minutes or 5 minutes at most. I'd be pissed off if I was him as well. Even if he does get a lie in he'll still not be able to make up for the broken sleep, especially with the argument etc.

GoldenOmber · 22/02/2020 08:23

Once you’re both awake and rested a bit you should also discuss how you’re going to handle things like this once you’re back at work soon. You don’t want to end up continuing to do most of the night-time parenting just because it’s what you’ve always done and he’s used to it.

Sweetpotatoaddict · 22/02/2020 08:25

You address these issues before the night out, our rule was always if you’ve been out then you are off duty till 10am the next day. If the week has been horrid then perhaps the night out shouldn’t happen. Obviously if a child is sick then that becomes another story. Make sure nights out are relatively equal. It sounds like perhaps last night wasn’t the best night for him to go out.
Try and sort things before situations arise, things always seem worse in the middle of the night. Many a hissed conversation seems better the next day, combined with a conversation about how we can avoid it happening again.

OhTheRoses · 22/02/2020 08:26

Agree with KungfuPanda (are you the kfp who once dropped her atrocious cunt badge on the train tracks? If so I enjoyed meeting you).

OP - top tip. Put a towel on yr bed and wrap baby in towel and put next to yr dh next time. Then clean yourself up.

TBH and dh has been pandered to due to his job he wd have helped in those circs, possibly just by making sure baby didnt roll off bed. I wouldn't have asked if he'd been in court the next morning.

Bananacake20 · 22/02/2020 08:29

I think you were being completely reasonable waking him up to help. Why make it harder by doing it on your own? I applaud single parents who have no choice and manage to do a fantastic job, but if your child's father is there then yes he should help you if you need him to. If it's the early hours of the morning and both me and my child are covered in sick, the last thing I'd want to be doing is juggling cleaning us both at the same time and messing around if my OH is there to help make it easier. As a parent you have to be prepared to wake up in the night regardless of how much sleep you've had. I hope your little one feels better soon Smile

rottiemum88 · 22/02/2020 08:32

So OP, you said you probably could have sorted both you and the baby out, but weren't thinking clearly about where you'd be able to put her down etc as it was the middle of the night.

What makes you think your DH, who had only gotten in a couple of hours before (presumably had also been drinking?) would be in a fit state to immediately jump to attention and start cleaning the baby, when you make allowances for the fact that you weren't exactly at 100% either?

It took him a bit of time to come round. He did ultimately do as you asked. Personally, I'd have left DH to sleep in a similar situation and just sat the baby on a towel or something while I changed myself. Had to do it many times and it seems senseless for two people to have disrupted sleep for it. You say if he'd just done as you asked straight away it'd have been 5-10 minutes awake, which to be honest if it's true would make me even more annoyed at being woken up in the first place!

Seems like you were making a point.

scubadive · 22/02/2020 08:36

You were already up, what’s the point of waking him up so you are both tired, 2 parents to manage one baby is OTT.

It would make more sense to let him sleep and for you to have a lie in while he looked after the baby, then you would both have had sufficient sleep instead of you both being tired!

Mummyofatinyterror · 22/02/2020 08:37

YANBU!!!
I expect my partner to help me if I need it at night.
On a normal night, I deal with it all myself so he can sleep as he has work BUT if my DD has sickness or diarrhoea I ask him to come and help, which he does no problem!
Also if we have a bad night we take it in turns!
I work too, part time, but when I'm not 'at work' I'm still working!! Being a mum is more than a full time job, I wouldn't change it for the world but I hate all this 'he works so shouldn't get up' business! It's his child too!

You absolutely did the right thing, OP!

scubadive · 22/02/2020 08:40

Also especially mean after he had a night out until 12.30pm to wake him at 2pm, had he been drinking? Then even more mean, what point were you making, too many nights out? Then that’s a different issue. As someone said upthread, whoever has had a night out is off duty until 10am, what will you do if you have another child if you can’t manage one?

Monstermummymum · 22/02/2020 08:45

I totally get that you want your dh to help but if he had been to the pub and took that long to wake then I would have just done it myself. I have done it myself numerous times- two under three here. If DH hadn't been out then yeah, totally would have asked for help.

Sally872 · 22/02/2020 08:45

If a child vomits especially during the night, mine are normally upset. I shout "dh help please, she's been sick" and he helps. Normally I clean up child then me while he sorts bed/carpet. Aim is to get child back to bed and comfortable asap. Then dh goes back to bed and I might sleep in childs room or hang about a bit.

Obviously I could sort it all myself but he is fine to help, working/been out or not.

Weirdly if sick during daytime I wouldn't bother him as I can clean up child then carpet or wherever then sort myself out. (Obviously if he knew he would use initiative and help)

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/02/2020 08:49

Funny how the comments don’t actually tally with the 80% who think OP is NBU.

I think most of that 80% are of the opinion it’s a no brainer and haven’t bothered justifying their YANBU response. The 20% are obviously more vocal martyr types trying to justify their own unsupportive situation.

SnowyRacoon · 22/02/2020 08:50

Got a problem @guiltynetter Hmm

Of course it's unsafe to handle a baby whilst under the influence of Alcohol.
All this carry on over changing a baby?