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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBI to of asked my DH for help at 2am?

218 replies

Amys136 · 22/02/2020 03:04

Dd10months has been ill with a cough for ages. Wakes up about an hour ago and is coughing until she brings up loads of muccusy vomit all over the both of us.

I go into our room and wake DH up, whose was out till 12:30 and ask him to clean the baby up while I sort myself out. Took me ages to get him to wake up then he just lies there while I’ve got hold of the baby whose is now much recovered and trying to play with her sick.

Then he gestures for me to just pas the baby to him in bed, I didn’t want sick all over the bed and I wanted him to actually be cleaning the baby. Starts going on about my attitude, there’s no point going to bed, ffs etc

Finally gets him to sit up and he just sits there with the baby. So tell him again to start cleaning up the baby, more stuff about me from him.

Basically by the time he actually starts cleaning her up I’ve changed pjs and washed all the sick off me.

AIBI for expecting him to get up and start cleaning up the baby while I sort myself out or should I just of let him sleep and sorted us both out?

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/02/2020 11:21

Seemed daft someone else getting covered or being exposed to so much gross mess!!!!!

Oh god forbid the man be exposed to such horrors! Hmm

My DH once scooped up MY vomit with his bare hands when I was really ill in the bed once and could barely stand to sort it out myself. He didn’t bat an eyelid because he is a kind person and could see that I really needed help and he just got on with it. I would do the same for him. He didn’t stand there like a wet lettuce complaining about being “exposed to such grossness”.

We have always supported each other in helping to get our sick-covered children clean and back in bed asleep as quickly as possible. There is no discussion as to whether it is reasonable or not, we trust each other to know that if one shouts for help, then that help is needed, and it’s given - no questions asked. We also trust each other not to take advantage of the other’s kindness and if we think the situation can be dealt with by just the one person then we get on and do that and shout to the other that it’s fine and to go back to sleep.

In fact, in OP’s situation, given it was already known that the child was ill, my DH would NOT have stayed out late drinking and expected the usual arrangements about not helping in the night. He would have gone out but drunk a bit less, come back a bit earlier and been prepared to have to get stuck in in the night if needs be. His need for a night out would not trump everything where a sick child was concerned.

My two sons are teens now and I’m glad they have had this example in their dad as i know they’ll be as kind as him when it comes to their own kids. And if I ever hear them moaning about being woken up by their wife to clean up their own child while she cleans herself up, they’d get a right old lecture from me.

And this is actually coming from someone who did ALL the week-night night wakings when kids were little and I was a SAHM, so it’s not like I‘m one of these mums who expect equal input from the dad in all tasks no matter what the circumstances. His job meant that he needed to be super alert next day, i could rest on the sofa if i needed to.

Some of the setups described here just don’t seem like there is much team work going on.

AnneOfTeenFables · 22/02/2020 11:21

I wouldn't wake DH up in those circumstance. What's the point in someone else getting covered in sick?

Being woken in the middle of the night kind of negates having a long lie too so I definitely wouldn't have woken DH if I'd already agreed he could have a long lie. I wouldn't expect him to wake me the other way round either.

anotherlittlechicken · 22/02/2020 11:26

@CurlyhairedAssassin

My DH once scooped up MY vomit with his bare hands.

Oh FGS. Hmm

Why would ANYONE do this? Hmm How utterly ridiculous.

KarmaStar · 22/02/2020 11:30

I would have let him sleep too,it's not a major drama is it?
Choose your battles op!😀

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/02/2020 11:32

I would have cleaned her up. Put on floor while changed cots bedding if needed it

Then put back in cot while cleaned myself up

If he hadn’t been out and drinking maybe I would have woken up the dad and said can you help

But he had just gone to bed for an hour or so

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/02/2020 11:37

I know! He isn’t at all squeamish and said that it was the quickest way of cleaning it up to stop it going through to the mattress/quilt etc. I did look at him like 😱 and he said “oh, this is nothing. My mate was once sick when we were teenagers and drank too much and vomited in the sink. I was helping him clean up but it was so lumpy that it blocked the plug hole so I ended up scooping it out with my hands.”

😲🤢 😂😂😂😂😂

Like I said, he is a very kind person and a good friend. 😆. I was just using that story to illustrate that getting on and cleaning things up as quickly as possible when someone is in need is just a nice thing to do. Moaning about how gross something is when it’s a sick family member is a bit wet to me.

TulipCat · 22/02/2020 11:38

When our children were small, we always tried to keep to only one of us getting up in the night, and then the other getting up with them the next morning. We found this worked best for family harmony, there really is no benefit to both of you being shattered the next day. So I would not have woken him, nor would I have expected him to wake me in the same situation.

bananafish · 22/02/2020 11:45

Oh it just shows that everyone's relationships are different - like always.

I wouldn't have bothered waking DH up, because he's a prize pain about his sleep and would probably have responded in the same way.

But I know there are other situations which he would be much better at dealing with than I am.

Swings and roundabouts, no?

SpokeTooSoon · 22/02/2020 11:46

I reckon you could have managed to sort it yourself with far less fuss. Maybe you were just feeling a bit peeved. I get it - I’ve been there many times! If he’d only been in bed a couple of hours he was likely in a deep sleep and that’s why it took a while to come round. By the time he was in a position to help you, you could have changed your pyjamas and your baby’s and been getting her back to sleep.

I AM NOT SAYING HE SHOULDN’T DO THIS STUFF. I know it’s his baby as well. But sometimes you have to pick your battles. Forcing someone out of a deep sleep to do something fairly minor for you just because you’re annoyed that he’s sleeping while you’re in a pickle.

My DH regularly deals with this sort of thing and wouldn’t wake me unless it was really bad. He gets on with it and I appreciate it. Equally sometimes it falls to me. When they were newborns I’d have woken him for the slightest thing but after a while you just have to learn to get on with the messy bits on your own.

ButtonMoonLoon · 22/02/2020 11:46

Was he pissed? If so then I wouldn’t have wanted him to take care of the baby tbh. I’m a single parent, I’ve unfortunately been in this situation a few times. It’s unpleasant, yes, but it’s easily possible to clean both of you up, not as easy as having a second pair of hands, granted, but if that second pair of hands was an intoxicated not-with-it and probably not safe to hold a baby pair of hands then I would have just got on with things on my own.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 22/02/2020 11:53

Op has said that she's out tonight so she won't be able to complain if her DH wakes her up after 2 hours sleep to help will she?

gamerwidow · 22/02/2020 11:58

I wouldn't have woken up someone who had been drinking less than two hours after they had been asleep to look after a baby in anything but an absolute emergency. It wouldn't be safe and as you found out for yourself by the time they have fully roused themselves you could have done it all yourself. Waste of time. Yes it's a PITA to sort out the baby yourself but assuming you don't have to do everything by yourself all the time you should have left him to sleep.

GoldenOmber · 22/02/2020 11:58

I don’t get the big fuss about how the poor bloke had only had 2 hours of sleep. He’d only had 2 hours because he’d been out watching a band! I’d probably feel a bit knackered dragging myself out of bed after a night out , but I wouldn’t dream of complaining to the person who was at home with the poorly baby so I could go out that I hadn’t had enough sleep, that’s just rude.

Poppinjay · 22/02/2020 12:02

I would expect a decent DH (or DW for that matter) to want to help as soon as he knew what had happened. Who would want to leave their baby or wife wearing in cold sicky clothes in the middle of the night for any longer than they had to?

There were nights when I would deal with things like this myself and nights when I would ask DH to help. If I asked, he would perfectly willingly. Whether I asked would depend partly on things like how cold or sleep deprived I was, not just how much mess there was.

Sometimes DH would be disturbed by me clearing up and get up to see if he could help. He's far from perfect but he wouldn't want to lie in bed while I was sorting out a sicky baby while covered in it myself.

Just sitting and holding a baby that's covered in vomit is shitty behaviour to the baby and the person who has asked you to help. He needs to grow up a bit.

OP, YANBU at all. If you are asked for help by the other parent in the middle of the night, you just do it and save and conversations about whether it was reasonable for the next day.

Northernparent68 · 22/02/2020 12:03

Did you really need help or were trying to punish him for having gone out ?

GoldenOmber · 22/02/2020 12:10

oooh, maybe the baby was trying to punish him for going out and that's why she maliciously vomited everywhere!

Or not.

diddl · 22/02/2020 12:11

So those that would have left your husbands to sleep on-that's fine-your decision.

But if you had woken them, they would just have helped, wouldn't they?

Insideimsprinting · 22/02/2020 12:12

Some of the setups described here just don’t seem like there is much team work going on.

Teamwork is one think asking for help when you could just get on with it is different, you were clearly very ill that time and yes need help, op in this case could have just got on with it but didn't. There is a distinct difference between team work, help being 'needed' and just getting on with stuff.

Whatsername177 · 22/02/2020 12:14

You are covered in puke. Your kid has been ill for a little while so it's probably not the first time. You wanted your dh to clean the puke covered baby so that you could clean yourself and stop the puke from getting onto the bed clothes etc. Your dh is sulky because he is tired. I'm sure you were tired too, op. You were in no way unreasonable to expect him to help. I'm sure you could have coped alone, but he was right there, so why should you struggle? My dh would've helped and been thankful that I did the resettling so that he could get back to sleep.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 22/02/2020 12:16

I wouldn’t dream of complaining to the person who was at home with the poorly baby so I could go out that I hadn’t had enough sleep, that’s just rude.

Well op says she's out tonight so hopefully shell be ready to leap out of bed if DH calls for help tonight.

Insideimsprinting · 22/02/2020 12:18

But if you had woken them, they would just have helped, wouldn't they?

If course but he would he would be wondering why I really needed the help I mean is it really so hard?
Just seems daft asking for help if you actually don't need it, could just get on with it but it's just easier, it really does just seem we'll..... I think I've made my point I'm starting to sound like a broken record now and I'm boring myself

GoldenOmber · 22/02/2020 12:20

Well op says she's out tonight so hopefully shell be ready to leap out of bed if DH calls for help tonight.

I don't get why you think this is a 'gotcha' of some kind? If she thinks it's a two-person job to clean up a lot of vomit with a mobile baby, then of course she wouldn't mind if her DH woke her for the same reason.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 22/02/2020 12:22

I would not have woken a sleeping partner but would let them sleep knowing it was their turn tomorrow night and they would do me the kindness of letting me sleep

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 22/02/2020 12:23

You don't really know that though do you?

Maybe she felt resentful last night that her DH had the night off and a lay in due this morning while she was on baby duty but then tonight when it's her turn maybe she will think differently?

GoldenOmber · 22/02/2020 12:27

Maybe she felt resentful last night that her DH had the night off and a lay in due this morning while she was on baby duty but then tonight when it's her turn maybe she will think differently?

Maybe. Maybe she felt resentful because the baby's vomiting interrupted her gambling addiction or something? Maybe the baby didn't vomit at all and she's made the whole thing up?

But on balance, I don't see the point in making up stories in my own head in which she's behaving unreasonably just so I can tut at her for behaving unreasonably.

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