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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She’s taking all of our money... pissed off big time

206 replies

Busybusybee2000 · 18/02/2020 23:00

I’m one of 3 siblings. Ever since my younger sister was born mum has been broke. Always scrimping and scraping. I’m now 40 and my little sister is 23. She has continually borrowed and I have given her hundreds of pounds over the year so has our brother. She mainly used to financially drain me and my brother but is now doing it to my lil sis as she still lives at home. We’ve tried to help mum by sending her job adverts, helping with cv’s etc but She is stuck In Her ways and doesn’t like change. She’s nearly 60 so I get that she’s reluctant to move jobs.
I have my own child so when she borrows/keeps money it leaves us short. We’re all fed up of it but not sure what to do. She says she doesn’t eat some evening due to no money to buy food. She won’t ask her partner to help her because she’s embarrassed to tell him Her situation. She borrows money from us all but keeps it quiet but now we all tell each other when she asks. I’m in a well paid job but I’m a single parent. I’m at the end of my tether. Feels like we’re paying for being born. What should I do?!

OP posts:
Kirkman · 20/02/2020 21:18

@keffie12 it's the mum this is about not ops sister.

Olu123 · 20/02/2020 21:55

Might be a cultural thing but I couldn’t stand having my mum hard up and my siblings and I looked after both parents financially and otherwise well into their old age till they died.
Maybe you and your siblings can take turns buying her food monthly? List out some essentials and make sure she has it every month, at least then you know she’s not hungry

Binting · 20/02/2020 22:03

Perhaps put your efforts into helping your little sister leave home? That sounds like a situation she needs to get out of

This!!

Your mum needs to sort herself out and you all need to step back and look after yourselves. When she knows that her children aren’t going to keep bailing her out she’ll need to do something. You need to be cruel to be kind I think. Personally I wouldn’t even be buying her food, she could have her tea at yours if she wanted or help out with childcare or something like that.

And before anyone chips in saying I’m heartless, yes I am after being emotionally blackmailed by a mother who threatened suicide if I didn’t do what she wanted, including going begging to neighbours for money.

She’s emotionally and financially abusing her children.

Look after yourself x

Jack80 · 20/02/2020 22:19

I would bring meals around, buy shopping for her save giving her cash.

Harvestsquirrel1 · 20/02/2020 23:07

You can’t go broke if you keep lending her money.

texasgurl · 21/02/2020 00:09

If you loan out large amounts of money, or loan money to someone with regularity, there has to be some accountability. The siblings need to sit down and chat about this together. They may have no idea how much the mum is borrowing from everyone in total. Then, their mother has to be willing to be transparent about her expenses if she expects so much assistance. I would happily help out a relative long-term as long as we had their budget and goals stated clearly. It sounds like she has a mooch for a boyfriend. He should be a part of this conversation as well. If part of her road to financial wellbeing includes relying on food banks for a short time, Mr. DP should be made to visit the foodbank with her. He should have to experience everything she has to go through in order to feed him for free.

starfishmummy · 21/02/2020 07:51

I have several thoughts about the partner situation...
Maybe the mum is keeping up appearances so that he is not aware of her situation? People can sometimes be oblivious.

Or he is already "helping" her financially but she is not telling her children. In which case the problem is even bigger than the op thinks.

Am2015 · 21/02/2020 08:23

This is horrible for you and your siblings. Your mum should and ought to feel embarrassed asking for money from her kids!!! I do not think you or your siblings should loan, sorry GIVE any more money. You have your own families to feed. Enough is enough!!!!

1Wildheartsease · 21/02/2020 09:43

You have offered to help with money/debt management. She has rejected that... so she is entirely responsible for her finances.

(It wouldn't be really surprising to find that she is covering something like a drug problem. This might be what you are funding with your kindness.)

If she is hungry -and this idea weighs on you - then do feed her a meal but stay out of finances. Don't give money ever again.

Tistheseason17 · 21/02/2020 11:11

Jus stop enabling her.

She is not accepting help whilst you eable the situation to continue. In fact, she has got it sorted - she can spend what she likes and you pay for all of her other outgoings. She's a a grown woman and you need to let her take responsibility for her own actions.

Rainallnight · 21/02/2020 11:17

Would it be worth taking her to Citizens Advice or somewhere for a big financial sort out - make sure she’s getting everything she’s entitled to plus making sure she’s on the best possible arrangements for her debts? At least that would be constructive.

Barney60 · 21/02/2020 11:35

in my opinion you ALL need to get together and go see mum. tell her you can not afford to do this any more together (,so she can not ask each of you separately.) you will help with some food, buy basics, soup, lentils, bread and freeze it, make a few stews/curry ect, for her but thats it. sounds to me like she maybe has a problem, is it possible shes doing online bingo or drinking or something? if she has a mortgage she must of been earning enough to afford it, therefore she needs financial help, all sit down and go over her finances or make an appointment with citizens advice. if she sees your being serious about this she may sort herself out. Alternative sell home buy single bedroomed flat or something so less to pay out. You need to be strong over this your not the parent she is ,getting her out of this vicious circle shes in you are helping her, she will thank you in the end.

FelicisNox · 21/02/2020 15:29

So essentially she is an adult who doesn't want to sort her problems out but is happy to put you in financial difficulty?

She has debts: she needs proper debt advice as she should not still be paying loans from 20yrs ago. It may be that she needs to be on an IVA.

Low income: she needs to change jobs, being a creature of habit is not an excuse.

Partner not paying his way: she needs to be clear that he needs to contribute. It's not about appearing desperate, he is basically living at hers 5 days per week and he needs to pay his share.

What will she do when your younger sister leaves and stops financially contributing?

She may be your mother but this is her mess to sort out or she will be doing this until she dies.

You've all enabled this behaviour and it's time to put your foot down and help her sort this out. If she's not coping now what will happen when she hits pension age?

This is no way for any of you to be living.

Petlover9 · 21/02/2020 15:36

OP - can you give update please?

howrudeforme · 21/02/2020 23:38

People can bury their heads in the sand. Perhaps it’s easier for her to ask for money in rotation than come clean about their situation.

I doubt she’s cooked her partner a nice meal on your money while eating crisps. He probably doesn’t know.

There could well be a hidden problem.

Feel sorry for you all but her c£300 shortfall is serious. She needs debt counselling. You need to stop paying her so much but ensure she’s well fed.

So sorry that you are all suffering.

CSIblonde · 22/02/2020 02:44

What are the debts for, are they credit card debt but she's still got a card & is digging herself deeper? Is she Hoarding? I think your sister needs to move out & your DM finds a 1bed flat. And you all need to be firm that she gets CAB debt advice. And as pp's have said, give meals not £.

argueifnecessary · 22/02/2020 03:39

If she has a mortgage and can't afford life she needs to downsize and maybe be mortgage free? She might not pay much but it's probably that £3-400 she's missing.

Blahblahblah12345 · 22/02/2020 03:52

I agree with other people. Get her some financial help.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/02/2020 07:34

Sadly Blah you can't force an adult to take financial advice if they don't want to.

All you can do is stop making their current irresponsible lifestyle an easy option for them, so that they are forced to look at other options.

Original poster
Busybusybee2000 · 22/02/2020 10:59

Mum is not a gambler nor on drugs. I don’t know what she does with her money. Poor money management I guess. She has received a one off bonus at work and is so happy. I’ve told her it’s nothing and to look at the bigger picture. She went out and brought an extravagant handbag. I’ve had enough. I won’t be giving anymore money. I’m in the process of arranging a meeting with my siblings!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Busybusybee2000 · 22/02/2020 11:01

She has huge loan and credit card debts from 1999/2000!! No she’s not a hoarder. She would never downsize either. It’s hard because I’m slowly coming round to the fact we will be bailing her out forever :-(

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/02/2020 11:03

You and your siblings do need to step back and let her sink or swim on her own. She may have to sell her house but if you don't step away she will drag you all down with her...

Original poster
Busybusybee2000 · 22/02/2020 11:11

ThTz why I she’s annoyingly me now. No consideration for any of our financial states or her grandchild.

OP posts:
cauliflowersqueeze · 22/02/2020 11:13

You should tell her partner about this if she won’t.

Partyforone · 22/02/2020 11:50

My situation was/is an adult stepdaughter with young adult children. Stepdaughter on benefits due to ill health, middle child had a breakdown, was sectioned for 48 hours and then moved home. Every time keep was mentioned he started becoming overly stressed, so a good few times I did a online shop for them. After 18 months of this middle child was becoming rather over weight while dsd weighed about 7 stone. At that point I made it clear to dsd that while I would always be there for her, my help had to stop somewhere, so if she had no food, call me and she could come and stay until the situation improved, as my freezer is always full.

Since then, middle child has passed his driving test and nows runs a car, my refusal to help has forced a situation where stepdaughter is facing up to the fact that even mentally unwell people have to pay their way, she is slowly starting to enforce firm boundaries with her son. For various reasons dsd learnt from her childhood that SHE was responsible for everything with no right to her own boundaries, financial or otherwise. Dsd is experiencing a crash course in parenting adult children and its working.

Its really hard to say no when someone is hungry, so explain to your mum that you can not financially help her any more, ensure your siblings are saying the same (and sticking to it) invite her round for dinner if she has no food, or invite her to stay over.

Make sure dm has contact details for suitable organisations to help her, then stand back. If she asks for money, "im short myself this month, but I can feed you, so come round for dinner" is a great answer. Then drop the rope. Your dm is an adult and gets to choose for herself. If she makes bad choices, the she needs to experience the consequences of that, else you and your siblings will be supporting her for the next 30 years or more.

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