She’s taking all of our money... pissed off big time

[Busybusybee2000]

I’m one of 3 siblings. Ever since my younger sister was born mum has been broke. Always scrimping and scraping. I’m now 40 and my little sister is 23. She has continually borrowed and I have given her hundreds of pounds over the year so has our brother. She mainly used to financially drain me and my brother but is now doing it to my lil sis as she still lives at home. We’ve tried to help mum by sending her job adverts, helping with cv’s etc but She is stuck In Her ways and doesn’t like change. She’s nearly 60 so I get that she’s reluctant to move jobs.
I have my own child so when she borrows/keeps money it leaves us short. We’re all fed up of it but not sure what to do. She says she doesn’t eat some evening due to no money to buy food. She won’t ask her partner to help her because she’s embarrassed to tell him Her situation. She borrows money from us all but keeps it quiet but now we all tell each other when she asks. I’m in a well paid job but I’m a single parent. I’m at the end of my tether. Feels like we’re paying for being born. What should I do?!

Invite her round to your place for dinner once a week. That way you can feed her but not her partner. If your brother is prepared to do that too you know she'll be getting two good meals a week. Maybe your sister could cook for her one as well. Alternatively, give her food she can take into work for lunch. It sounds like giving her money is just water down the drain, anyway.

I think the partner changes everything. I wouldn't give her any money at all if he's there for a few nights a week.

It would be better if your sister could move out, tbh.

I think ToomuchTrouble and Billhaders have got it right. Take her to the Debt Advisory Service so she can re-structure her debts, get interest frozen, negotiate payment plans or even get made bankrupt. They can arrange all that. If she's living with impossible debts not helping her out anymore with money won't solve the problem. It needs sorting out fundamentally at source.

It sounds to me as though your mum needs some help managing her budget. I feel sorry for all of you constantly baling her out but it would be better for her if she learned how to spend wisely and put a little bit by for bills.

Thanks for responses. I think a monthly shop for essentials and frozen meat and veg is a good idea. I need to meet with my siblings to agree a plan you’re right. Debt advice is also a good idea

You are a single parent. Me too....
Your first obligation is to you and your child.
Without your obligation to yourself (work. money, food, roof over your head) you cannot do it for your DC.

You and your son will thank your future self.

People will always get down on their luck. Doesn't mean we have to jeopardise our own life.
Help out? Yes. But not to our own detriment.

I agree with those who say it sounds like this “partner” is bleeding her dry!

BusyBee So glad you're going to do that...hopefully your siblings will be on board with it...once you've done that each month, you can brush off any guilt.

You're not letting her starve but this way, you will be in control of how it's spent.

Have a look at a Munzo bank account to help with budgeting and you can see where the money is being spent.

I’d get her some debt advice as well.

@OlaEliza what a ridiculous comment. It was the mother's choice to have children, and that entails bearing financial responsibility for them.

It was not the OP's choice to have a financially feckless mother draining the OP's own finances that should be going towards her own children.

I agree with the weekly shop idea. And it actually makes me very sad that people would just cut her off. It's annoying, yes, but if we can't even help our own families, who will we help?

Every time I went shopping I'd buy some extra stuff. Just a few items here and there, and if I have more spare cash I'd get a bit more. I'd include a lot of cupboard items and canned goods that can last a long time when she's stuck for something.

If she is consistently £100 short a week on her bills for pretty much the past 20 years then she is doing something very wrong financially.

If she maxed out CCs all that time ago, has she just been doing minimum repayments on them?
If that is what she is doing, every penny you give her is just being thrown away to nobodys real benefit but the CC company.
It's the only thing I can think of that wouldn't eventually be paid off a bit.

Her 'pride' that she doesn't need a contribution from her 'partner' (what kind of partner would live off a single parent for 4-5 days a week without contributing when they have a job & their own home?) should not come out of your purse.

I find it highly unlikely that she is living on crisps (not actually a cheap food. A packet costs more than a packet of value noodles for instance) for food some of these days as she is so poor.
Wouldn't the partner notice & have to just have crisps himself those days? He is there most of the time.
Or wouldn't the daughter still at home see her sat there with her Wotsits or whatever (which cost more than a portion of rice when you can buy 1kg value packs so cheaply)

I personally would get everyone to sit down & explain she needs to work out her finances properly either with a debt counsellor or with family to see just where the money is going.
Without a clear understanding of why she is always so short, you won't lend her any more money.
Yes, she will find this humiliating but she should already be used to that because asking your children for money every few weeks for years because you can't manage your money is humiliating.

When my parents bitch about money (which they have no real reason to they have more than enough & a couple of mortgage free properties) I point out to them that they pay standard rate for gas & elec, they pay full price for the maximum sky package & just stay with the same overpriced car insurer, breakdown service etc... but they refuse to try & find better rates as it's too much bother so it's their own fault.
They could literally save thousands a year just by doing that.
Perhaps your mother does similar?

Nothing is going to change until you (or someone else) have a clear picture of her finances & if she won't give you that then she shouldn't be asking for money.
Something in what she is doing or spending has to change.

As she's run up debts and probably now has no other credit option could she have gone to a loan shark type person whose putting pressure on her to repay?

I think she should move in with the boyfriend and let out her room in her house. Your sister can continue to pay rent and so can the lodger.

She isnt even 60? things will only get worse. You are right to cut this shit now. There are social services to help people like her.

The problem with doing a food shop is that she's going to feed her partner using it. So the food you buy to last her a week will probably only last 3-4 days.

I'm older than your mother and I think you've got to stop funding her life-style.

She won't starve to death, honestly, and she will have to sort out her cocklodger bf.

If she’s on a low enough income to be £300/400 down a month, is she claiming all benefits she can?
This is where universal credit comes in handy

What are her partner and daughter eating for dinner whilst she's eating crisps? Is she, her daughter and her partner all doing their own food shop and cooking their own meals? This doesn't make sense.....

She could well starve to death if she is short several hundered each month. I don't think some people on here understand being properly low income and in debt.

She has a big problem but I think she needs proper outside help and support to accesss that as at 60 she's obviously got stuck into this pattern. Is here a sibling who can take her to CAB ?

What is he partner like? Is he taking financa advantage?

Certainly I have a vulnerable relative who is in similar circumstance and theres a whole bigger story going on. A v low income isnt enough to survive if you already have debts. If you're a fee hundred short each month its not a case of "cutting down on sky" fgs.

Hi OP,
It sounds a horrible situation all round.

Your mum needs a budget that works. The poster that asked is your mum getting all benefits she is entitled to has a good point.
Can your mum use Citizens advice, National Debtline or Christians Against Poverty to work out a budget and debt solution.

Your mum is trying to run a home on one low income plus the rent from your sister. Perhaps it won't be possible to make the budget balance while she is trying to pay a mortgage. Maybe she needs to sell up and rent. She would have to support herself with the equity for a while if it were over the benefit thresholds but once the equity she has is below these thresholds she will probably be entitled to help with her rent if she remains on a low income.

She should have a look at www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators
to see what she might be able to claim and if things would be easier for her if she were renting.

What we can't know on mumsnet is whether your mum fritters her money/has an addiction etc or if she tries very hard to budget but her outgoings are simply higher than her income. If this is the case it is going to come to a head sooner or later if the family stop bailing her out and she can't get any more credit. If it is debt causing the problem she must seek help as with the right debt solution it will be restructured if she can't meet her essential outgoings. For debt advice the Money Saving Expert forum Debt Free Wannabe is a great resource with people that are very knowledgeable of the various solutions.

What I do agree with is it sounds like your mums partner isn't pulling his weight and she can't afford to carry him. Could one of their properties be rented out so they can share the costs of the other?

Keep talking with your mum so she knows she is not alone. While it is not sustainable to keep giving her money you can encourage her to access all the help available and get herself into a position that is sustainable.

Tigger that only works enough to live on if she didnt have the huge debts. My relative has had some mental health problems which led to huge credit cards/bills not being paid. And trying to survive on universal credit and pay them off would be impossible - they've had a lot of help (social services) to organise finances. Not everyone could access that level of support.

She needs real help with the debts and money issues.

Cutting down on Sky isn't going to solve that problem no, (my parents could save over £50 a month on that alone & still have the same package) but many older people in particular do stay on the same contract they signed up to ten or twenty years ago & are paying quite astonishing amounts for utilities, insurances etc...

All these sort of things add up so they are worth looking at.

I'm well aware of how hard it is to live on a very small budget.
That's why crisps are something I don't buy because they are too expensive when you can only afford to buy food that will actually fill you rather than random snacks.
It is a house of adults so they are not being purchased as treats for kids.

She needs to start staying at her partner's house 4/5 times a week instead of vice versa. He's a huge drain by the sounds of it and it's not sustainable for her to continue the charade. What's wrong with his house that he can't reciprocate the hospitality?

My relative has had unsuitable blokes before. Not at all saying this one is without knowing the situation but when you're vulnerable and on a low income it seems to attract them.

Charming to everyones face but wont pay their way and take advantage of free food and company. My relative couldnt see it and at a similar age wanted to "feed" her man even though she couldnt afford it, to keep him.🤦‍♀️.

I think she needs help.