She’s taking all of our money... pissed off big time

[Busybusybee2000]

I’m one of 3 siblings. Ever since my younger sister was born mum has been broke. Always scrimping and scraping. I’m now 40 and my little sister is 23. She has continually borrowed and I have given her hundreds of pounds over the year so has our brother. She mainly used to financially drain me and my brother but is now doing it to my lil sis as she still lives at home. We’ve tried to help mum by sending her job adverts, helping with cv’s etc but She is stuck In Her ways and doesn’t like change. She’s nearly 60 so I get that she’s reluctant to move jobs.
I have my own child so when she borrows/keeps money it leaves us short. We’re all fed up of it but not sure what to do. She says she doesn’t eat some evening due to no money to buy food. She won’t ask her partner to help her because she’s embarrassed to tell him Her situation. She borrows money from us all but keeps it quiet but now we all tell each other when she asks. I’m in a well paid job but I’m a single parent. I’m at the end of my tether. Feels like we’re paying for being born. What should I do?!

Your mum has got herself a cocklodger, only it’s the full family that’s paying for it.
No wonder he has a house outright with no mortgage.
I think a monthly shop for essentials and frozen meat and veg is a good idea this isn’t the answer to your mums problems.
Getting rid of the cf boyfriend is

Offer to help her with budgeting and paying off debts if she has any. Make a plan and look at all her income/outgoing. Separately I would also give her a regular amount per month that I could afford - £50-£100 directly to her bank account. And maybe your siblings could do the same. Then she doesn't need to ask and you don't need to feel resentful

@myusernamewastakenbyme who is constantly hinting she cant afford food....2 days later spends £20 on her nails
I think I have the same friends. I used to take us out for lunch etc as no money and then the next day getting her nails done. Not any more

Is this a trick question? Stop giving her money.

Look at her finances with her and work out of there is anything to be done eg any kind of benefits she can claim, second job etc. Does her partner live with her? If so she needs to talk to him. Is she in a lot of debt? Can she move to a smaller house?

At minimum, you and your siblings need to be on side. You need to sit down and make a formal plan with them about what they can and will do, and then none of you can budge. This doesn't mean you have to cut her off; it means that you have a plan. Perhaps the plan is that your sister pays rent and you each give her £50; perhaps it's that you will only help her in-kind with food. But what it means is that boundaries are set. It makes saying no a lot easier.

At best, you do that and then sit down with her and have an intervention of sorts. She'll hate it. Too bad.

You can also make support for her conditional on her receiving debt help. Sometime like, Amy and Ben and I have talked, and we think you need serious help. If you go to CAB/whatever, we will each help by paying X/month to your debt/bills. But as it stands, this situation is only going to get worse, and we can't do more.

Again, she won't like it. Too bad. She'll probably get angry, defensive, and lash out. You have to ignore it and stick to the party line.

You'll feel a lot better when you feel like you're helping without being taken advantage of. You'll also feel better when you can say a clear no.

But first step: actually make a plan with your siblings.

OP - next time she asks, all of you go there and discuss her finances. Include the “lodger” if you can. As others have said debt charities can offer advice. All of you need to be there together and MAKE her tell you the problems/debts. Don’t enable her, you all need to have your own things to pay for “sorry can’t help, have to:”
Pay for car repairs
Pay for boiler repairs
Child needs new uniform
find other “reasons”
Let the lodger know you think he is a freeloader - do it together, stand up to him.
Perhaps the one at home would be better off in a bed sit / flat share?

What job does she do. Is she getting any benefits she is entitled to?

Could you convince her to ring Stepchange. Sorry I don't know the number but you could google it. She would need to tell them all her debts and income and outgoings and they help getting creditors to accept minimum payments while making sure she has enough to eat. I know it's not easy to say no but could you maybe agree to put a small amount on her electric and gas so you control how much you give, if you can afford it and you know that she's not just spending it. Hope it improves for you.

I would - at least!- want to see her bank statements, to get an actual idea of what her income is being spent on. She is almost certainly too young and compos mentis for an LPA, but you might require regular oversight of her outgoings. She will not like this at all, because it will prevent her prevaricating over her spending pattern.

I wouldn’t give her cash. What I would do is I wld sit and go over her incoming/outgoings and see if she needs help reducing outgoings, cheaper bills etc. Martin Lewis site has a lot of tips. I also wouldn’t want to see her hungry, and what I have done before with a good friend who was similar to ur mum is subtly check (by making a cuppa....) in her house and when I saw she really had no food, I bought and delivered some groceries to her, which reduced her to tears she was so thrilled and obviously in desperate need. Re change, it can be daunting but look out for maybe free retraining opportunities etc that she cld maybe go to - maybe with one of her kids?
Best of luck x

I think you should explain that you can’t afford to help her anymore. However that you would like to help her with her budgeting so she can manage better with what she has. Maybe she is overspending somewhere with the income she has - if you could help her that way maybe she wouldn’t need to ask again x

I think you are going to have to be cruel to be kind and demand she shows you where the money is being spent before you help , you could be just throwing your money at the wall .If she has credit card debts they may well have got to the point that the minimum payment is huge . I feel sorry for you younger sister too as it must be difficult when you live at home .

This certainly sounds like there’s an addiction of some kind eating up funds - whatever it is I agree it’s ok to invite her for a meal, but not give her money, or anything that she can sell on to feed a habit. Addicts can be very devious about hiding what they’re doing, and online gambling is such an easy thing to get sucked into... either way Stepchange and moneysaving-expert.com have some help and ideas available for people in debt. Good luck, op

Do you think a financial advisor may help her or someone to advise her on the bills and set up a plan, what about a pension? Although she cannot use that is she is working! Also the partner does you don’t think he contributes then? All these questions could help, also you cannot keep cooking meals etc when she retires you will probably doing that for her then

The scary thing is that she's struggling with your sisters input so if your sister moves out she's really going to be in trouble. All the advice about providing her with food is sound as is trying to encourage her to deal with the debt issue. Your sister contributes to the house but her partner doesn't and he only states two nights less than her.That's hard to understand.

Getting rid of the cf boyfriend is

Why do people keep saying this?

The mother has had debt problems since before him.

She has told her kids to not tell the others that she borrowing money and borrowing money off them all. Hoping thevithers dont find out.

She also wont let OP help sort it out and see her bank statements.

It's far more likely he is giving her money and she isnt telling anyone AND blaming him so they feel sorry for her and give her money.

My mother did exactly this. Turned out she had a completely hidden drug problem. But whatever the reason, she is taking the piss and will do so as long as you let her. You have to be boundaried but that's extraordinarily difficult because you (and your siblings) have been conditioned to help and she has, over many years, taught you that you actually don't have your own life, you are at least partly responsible for hers and that that's normal and part of the parent-child relationship. I feel for you as it's terrible place to feel responsible for your mother. I also have a younger sibling still at home and my mum takes 2/3 of her income as rent!!! I've said I don't think that's fair but I can't force her to stop or my sister to stop giving...

You mentioned on a previous post that your sibling has bought supermarket vouchers before as she spends money given rather than buys essentials. Given this, you must be able to see how she is lying and manipulating you. If she was truly starving, or had nothing in for a meal, she would buy essentials when given money. She is using you guys for extras.

What helped me in the end was adding up the last 3 months and saying to my mum that I had given her £1300 in that time. She was defensive and asked me not to say that, I was trying to make her feel bad, but did stop asking. I know that she just switched to asking her dad for money instead and I feel bad for that, but I also know he has plenty and spends little and I can't afford to help anymore so I've decided that's his prerogative. I feel guilty for that but he is a fit and healthy adult and I've learned I just can't take responsibility for my mother's actions anymore.

She still asks to borrow money a lot but does pay it back now. I recently realised the last 7 months she had borrowed £120 on or around the 25th of each month and £30 on or around the 8th of each month. So next time she asked I said no. Almost certainly she asked my grandad but what can I do. I now have to behave in a way with her that I feel is cold and horrible but that to everyone on the outside is normal. We've just been conditioned that to refuse to help or to prioritise ourselves is to be selfish and horrible....

Does she have a gambling habit or in secret debt? Sit down with her and do income v outgoings to see where her money goes. As for her saying she goes without eating, doin't fall for it, anyone can eat cheaply, big bags of rice/pasta are value for money as well as the value shops for food like Aldi, and it is good!

I have a debt management plan with StepChange (www.stepchange.org) after I split up with my long term partner and the git buggered off a year later having dodged every attempt to get him to take on the mortgage by himself or agree to sell the property, remove my name from the utilities and to pay me back the money I'd loaned him to become self employed. I ended up almost £25k in debt overall which was reduced by £7.5k after the mortgage company who had repossessed the property we'd bought together acknowledged that they did not give me correct information when I'd first told them I had moved out (might have helped that I was the only one of us who kept in contact during the repossession process). They have been great for me, but my decision to go for a DMP was questionable because the amount I owed meant that it was recommended that I had an IVA instead - I didn't want that because my payments would have been fixed for the duration & I could have been forced into bankruptcy if I couldn't make a payment at any time. It's not always been easy, but they do help with working out what is a realistic budgets for you & the amount you can pay each month is usually worked out from there.

However, from what you've said about your mum's behaviour, maybe Christians Against Poverty would be a better idea. I know someone earlier has spoken out against them, but there's the option of the money courses they run to teach your mum how to budget which she could do alongside a StepChange plan or a CAP plan.

Sounds like more going on here. Is she a secret gambler or alcoholic? They're very very clever at hiding it? Shopoholic? Do some digging

Also I dont believe she isnt asking her partner. I suspect she owes him loads too

Go to Farmfoods if you have one nearby & buy her a load of tins, cereals, biscuits & frozen stuff. It is really cheap, for less than £40 I used to fill my car boot when I was hard up after becoming a single parent.

Your all enabling her and not helping your sister one bit. She needs to learn how to be responsible for herself, grow up and deal.

As long as any ot you are lending or you might as well say giving her money she isnt learning anything.

Your sister will stamp and scream when you all say no and keep meaning it. She will up the ante on what she says and does. Only you that can change this.

Take it from me. I've learnt this one the hard way. Mom enabled me for many years. In the end I had to learn to grow up. I enabled one of mine. I had to learn too I was repeating my mom's enabling

Family pow wow time needed

Thanks, @BarbaraofSeville

I can certainly see why someone in the UK would want to avoid bankruptcy at all costs!