She’s taking all of our money... pissed off big time

[Busybusybee2000]

I’m one of 3 siblings. Ever since my younger sister was born mum has been broke. Always scrimping and scraping. I’m now 40 and my little sister is 23. She has continually borrowed and I have given her hundreds of pounds over the year so has our brother. She mainly used to financially drain me and my brother but is now doing it to my lil sis as she still lives at home. We’ve tried to help mum by sending her job adverts, helping with cv’s etc but She is stuck In Her ways and doesn’t like change. She’s nearly 60 so I get that she’s reluctant to move jobs.
I have my own child so when she borrows/keeps money it leaves us short. We’re all fed up of it but not sure what to do. She says she doesn’t eat some evening due to no money to buy food. She won’t ask her partner to help her because she’s embarrassed to tell him Her situation. She borrows money from us all but keeps it quiet but now we all tell each other when she asks. I’m in a well paid job but I’m a single parent. I’m at the end of my tether. Feels like we’re paying for being born. What should I do?!

Get her on MN relationships :o He sounds like an absolute cocklodger. Paid for his house in cash yet too tight to pay for dinner when she has nothing? Hopefully she keeps opening her eyes to him.

At almost 60 she will struggle to move jobs. Most employers don't want to hire someone of that age. Get rid of the useless bloke, that will be a start.

If she's at the stage when her debt repayments mean that she is short of money for food she needs professional help and probably a formal solution.

She needs help to look at a sustainable budget and rejig her priorities so she buys food before paying unsecured debts and if she doesn't have enough left after buying food to pay these debts then it's time for a debt management plan or maybe an IVA.

Otherwise she faces just going round in circles paying loads of interest, getting nowhere and any money you give her going into a black hole that achieves nothing.

Do you know how much she owes on her mortgage, when it ends and what equity she has? Is there a possibility that she's remortgaged, possibly onto a bad credit product that's expensive and unaffordable on her income?

Why is she in debt, is it overspending on things she doesn't need or is she on too low an income for her basic costs and she's put them on credit and it's all built up over the years?

Is there any chance of her downsizing, paying off all the debt and buying a smaller property outright so hopefully her wages will cover her living costs?

The moneysavingexpert money makeover will help you run through a budget with her and signpost towards debt solutions if that's where she's at.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/money-help/

I think sitting down with her and making a spreadsheet of her ingoings and outgoings is a good idea.
You’ll understand then how much money she has, what it’s being spent on, if she’s got savings etc.
Then help her.
You and your siblings are not helping her by giving her money.
If she can’t feed herself the only problem she has is her own and she is not your responsibility.
To make this issue better you need to cut the cash flow.

But I can’t see her hungry either.

She won’t because she’ll soon find someone else to sponge off or god forbid, be more responsible. The only thing you and your siblings have done over the years is enable her.

You can’t keep doing the same things and expect a different outcome.

My mum would rather die before asking me and my siblings for money, she won’t even let us pay her back for family meals we go to etc. Ends up in an argument. She always says I will not take money off my children. It’s stressful for me as I like paying my own way. If I was you I’d say I don’t have no money to spare sorry. She needs to learn the value of money.

Step Change are great at helping with debt.

Sounds like your mum would benefit from help from Stepchange or Christians Against Poverty. Both are charities which can write off debts with creditors via an IVA or bankruptcy. Then she can start living within her means every month without the constant stress of not having enough cash.

So she works full time but earn very little, has a small mortgage and pays a pound a week towards debts, borrows money off all her kids every month and has a child at home who pays rent and quite a but extra on top?

And it's always been like this.

And she tells people not to tell the others she has borrowed.

How are we sure her partner is bleeding her dry? How do we know theres not just bad money management or someone that has a gambling problem, who is getting money off their partner but asking them to not tell anyone?

It seems ops mum is very much used to manipulating and lying.

Whatever your Mums issues are, they don’t have a cat in hells chance of being resolved, if you don’t stop facilitating her choice in choosing the path of least resistance.

You have a choice, you’re just used to making a poor one.

Tell her partner

point her in the direction of Stepchange op.
make a pact that none of you will sub her any longer

I wonder if she resented feeding and clothing you all for how many years.

I can't believe I have just read this! She chose to have children, which involves feeding and clothing them. The children didn't ask to be born and they should not have had to keep bailing their mother out for so many years. She needs some form of budgeting advice, and yes maybe help with food shopping, but the constant borrowing of money needs to stop.

Sounds like you're parenting her, when it should be the other way around! If you can't afford to help its fair and reasonable to say no and explain why. Everyone has personal responsibility. Even your mum. I know its hard but I would suggest cutting her off and explaining why. Its not your responsibility.

This is a difficult one. Because shes your mum. You can only give what you can afford. What if you had nothing, would she literally starve? Genuine question. Think I'd drop off a food parcel each time like tinned soups, pasta, sauce, beans, bread, jam, uht milk, cereal and biscuits. Reccomend that she see someone about debt advice. Perhaps her boyfriend could pay her rent, or she rents out a spare room to make up for the short fall?

Will definitely get her linked in with debt advisors. I agree we have enabled her. I guess because she’s our mum. This hasn’t helped.
I’ve definitely had a wake up call anyway. This situation can’t continue.

Make a large shepherds pie and give her a portion for example.
you have had good advice here about stepchange and budgeting already op.

if you had the money i can see how you would continue to do this.she is your mum.i can also see how it would just get too much.
im sorry your having to go through this.i agree with pp on the food thing.just make her food portions or drop off some groceries.then that is one last excuse she can give to needing money for.
if she is open enough to ask for money i think she has to be open enough to have a converation about this.
you need to tell her you cant continue with this way of life.but you want to help her get out of it.no shame no guilt just help

Hi OP. I and my sister were in your position with our mum until a year and s half ago when my mum took her own life at 60. Not sure of mental health (or alcohol abuse, which was another problem my mum had) is a factor in your mum's case but the point is we both have her money, for years, thinking it was necessary to keep the wolf from the door. After she died, I went to sort her house out and found loads and loads of food (cupboards full of tins and dry goods, chest freezer full of pizzas, meat and batch cooking) and wardrobes full of unused clothes and costume jewellery (I only ever saw her in old jeans and T-shirts and jumpers), and (for some strange reason) bugger loads of TY beany toys with the labels still on. But she was in financial trouble - had cancelled her home insurance, missed payments on her utilities etc. She just had no capacity to see the wood for the trees, stop her compulsive comfort-spending, or work out how to get herself straight - and we'd offered many times to sit down and go through it with her, she always fobbed us off.

As I say, my mother was very mentally ill and had addiction. Your mum genuinely may not be able to make ends meet and needs debt support from an organisation. But until you have a true picture of her income and outgoings you can't really know what's going on here.

If you and your siblings really want to help her, the best thing you could do is club together and pay off her credit card debts once and for all (I assume her credit rating is so fucked she wouldn't be able to get another one in these more straitened times). Depending on how much equity she has I would also urge her to consider downsizing to a place she can buy outright (it's time for your 'little' sister to move out I'm afraid, she's 23 and has her own income, she's not a child and her living at home with your mum is just complicating things). Good opportunity as well to review her utilities etc and make sure she has the best possible deal.

I am surprised by the number of people who think the partner is the problem. It sounds like the money issues go back decades, a partner eating a few meals at hers isn't going to be the main cause. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if she is getting money from her partner and telling them that her kids don't help her.

@Settlersofcatan I agree. No idea what role the partner plays but the mum's issues with money predate him. He's a red herring frankly even if he is cocklodging.

My mum is absolutely atrocious with money and admin too. She makes all the right noises then changes nothing. She's currently living off a small inheritance but it won't last long and then she'll be wondering why she's so skint again. She's never really worked, and spends compulsively. We love our mum so it's an equal worry and utter frustration.

Ultimately, people are what they are. Protect yourself first and only give resources you can afford.

What is she spending the cash on? It could well be poor money management as well as low income.

I had a relative who did this - constantly 'borrowed' money and never bloody gave it back. I cringe when I think how much I gave. It got to the point where it was constant.

In the end, hard as it was, I stopped doing it. I didn't want to see them without essential items so if they askes, I would offer help in other ways e.g. they would text and say 'can you lend me £10 so I can buy something for tea' and my reply would go something like 'sorry, I don't have any money to lend but I do have x/y/z in the freezer/cupboard so I could give you that?'.

The thing that got me is that thr reply would usually come back 'oh, no, it's ok, we'll sort something'. Made me realise that it was poor money management and wanting to buy non essentials like a bottle of wine.

Others in the family did the same and eventually, the person stopped asking and had to start budeting properly like everyone else.

Offer help (if you can) with cooking a few meals for the freezer, helping plan a budget etc. but stop giving cash.

Have a look on CAP (Christians against poverty) website. She may need debt help, or she may benefit from a money course.

This is a completely unaccepatable situation .You are working your socks off to provide for your own child as a SP, while she is leeching off you all .I would be ashamed to ask my DC for money! I would do as others here have said .Make some cheap meals ,buy some basic food and tell her you cannot let her have any more money as it is impacting on your own DC!