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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She’s taking all of our money... pissed off big time

206 replies

Busybusybee2000 · 18/02/2020 23:00

I’m one of 3 siblings. Ever since my younger sister was born mum has been broke. Always scrimping and scraping. I’m now 40 and my little sister is 23. She has continually borrowed and I have given her hundreds of pounds over the year so has our brother. She mainly used to financially drain me and my brother but is now doing it to my lil sis as she still lives at home. We’ve tried to help mum by sending her job adverts, helping with cv’s etc but She is stuck In Her ways and doesn’t like change. She’s nearly 60 so I get that she’s reluctant to move jobs.
I have my own child so when she borrows/keeps money it leaves us short. We’re all fed up of it but not sure what to do. She says she doesn’t eat some evening due to no money to buy food. She won’t ask her partner to help her because she’s embarrassed to tell him Her situation. She borrows money from us all but keeps it quiet but now we all tell each other when she asks. I’m in a well paid job but I’m a single parent. I’m at the end of my tether. Feels like we’re paying for being born. What should I do?!

OP posts:
abstractprojection · 19/02/2020 10:14

This is a tough one. The debt, income, outgoings and value of property all need to be looked at. It may be that you and your siblings help pay some off, but it should be an agreed and a finite amount. It may be that the house can be sold, a flat bought, and the difference in equity used to pay off some debt. All options should be on the table.

The partner thing is weird. There is no way that he is unaware of her situation and she is being truthful about it, he either is aware, or it's not as visible ie. eating crisps for dinner as she claims. Of course there is the possibility that she buys and makes meals for both of them when he is there 4/5 days a week, and then eats very little when he isn't. Is your sister able to shed any light on this?

RantyAnty · 19/02/2020 10:25

I think it would be really wise to dig deep into what is really going on with your mum.

Find out exactly what debts she owes and to whom. See if a small payout can be negotiated.

Find out about the partner too. Some guys have zero problem eating up everything in someone's house.

You sais she only owes a small amount on the mortgage. I would imagine there has been quite a bit of equity built over time.

One Idea would be for you and your brother to offer to pay off the debts with a written agreement of that amount plus a little extra whenever her house is sold. Also she would have to close all of those accounts she had debt on. That way your loan would be secure and nobody would have to keep giving her cash all the time and never being paid back.

lowlandLucky · 19/02/2020 10:33

Why should she stop ? She has a a family of bankers, who dispense free cash when she wants it

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/02/2020 10:34

I don’t understand-is she feeding the partner and not herself? Maybe you should speak to him if he’s unaware she is in a mess. You never know-she might be refusing money from him-it not but knowing how they sort things financially between them since he spends so much time there would be of value.

DameHannahRelf · 19/02/2020 10:42

Your mother needs to sort out her finances, and find a way to live within her means. Is she struggling to pay her mortgage/rent? If she phones saying she has no food, you could take her some basics, or order her a basic shop online and have it delivered. But I wouldn't give her any more money.

Daftodil · 19/02/2020 10:44

How horrible for you and your siblings.

Do a full audit with her. What does she have coming in, what does she have going out? To overspend by £3-400 every month for 20 years is ridiculous. She needs to learn to cut her cloth accordingly. If she is having crisps for tea, she clearly isn't prioritising buying "proper" food, and beans on toast would be more nutritious and filling for around the same price. Could you help her set up an online shop so she isn't tempted to spend extra money on crisps and snacks rather than food for a full meal?

As per PP suggestions, help get her in touch with a debt service, consider voluntary bankruptcy, make sure she is getting any working tax credits etc that she is entitled to, check she is on the cheapest tariff for gas/electricity etc and see if she could find cheaper insurance rates, broadband, mobile providers etc.

Could she downsize her property? Or if she doesn't want to move, does she have space to take in a lodger?

differentnameforthis · 19/02/2020 10:45

She isn't taking your money, you are giving it to her. Stop it. You are not helping her and while you keep giving her money, she isn't incentivized to do anything other than scrounge off you.

Original poster
Busybusybee2000 · 19/02/2020 11:41

There’s no way I’m taking in her debt. I have my own (manageable) and want to buy new windows, bathroom etc. I have my own life.
I spoke to her this morning telling her I would help her with a budget planner and she refused saying she will sort herself out!!
She doesn’t want to go down the bankruptcy route as she doesn’t want them to touch the house.
I’m going to make her an appointment with a debt agency suggested on here.
She’s trying to blame the partner but I told her he is a small part of this. This was a problem way before he came along. I can’t believe she doesn’t check her bank account ever and just keeps withdrawing money until the card doesn’t work. I’m absolutely in shock. I didn’t sleep last night because of this because it feels like it’s our problem too!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Busybusybee2000 · 19/02/2020 11:44

When her partner is there, she will have borrowed/taken money from us to buy food and meals for him. So in effect we’re feeding the both of them. This makes me so angry

OP posts:
VeniceQueen2004 · 19/02/2020 11:44

I spoke to her this morning telling her I would help her with a budget planner and she refused saying she will sort herself out!!

Well there you have it. She doesn't have too little money, she spends it unwisely. She doesn't want you to see this because she doesn't want to change. Cut her off, encourage your siblings to do the same. She will need to address this at some point, better that it be now when she's not trying to live off a state pension.

Kirkman · 19/02/2020 11:57

Op you are going to discover she is taking the piss and (possibly) has an ongoing online gambling issue. Unless she is often MIA, in which she could be doing it person.

That's why, she doesnt want you to sit down and go through things. She is leading you a merry dance.

The fact that she is sitting blame to her partner, who is the only person she wont (apparantly) lend money off, suggests (to me) nthat she is talking bollocks. She didnt want you all telling eachother. She will be telling him the same.

I very much doubt, given you know she hides when she is borrowing, that she isnt getting money off him too. He is just easy to blame.

Buying her food, womt help as it will just free up more of her money to spend on whatever she is spending on.

I know you love your mum. But she is happy seeing you all skint, so she can carry on as is. That's not ok.

Hepsibar · 19/02/2020 12:00

A family meeting? Sounds like she has a money management problem which will not be addressed whilst you all enable her.

Pumpkinpie1 · 19/02/2020 12:21

There is not much you can do if she’s unwilling to help herself
Is there a reason why she is so unwilling does she have a gambling problem?
I would talk to her partner and tell him you are worried about having to constantly lend her money
Does he even know? Maybe that would give her a wake up Call
Also talk to your sibling maybe they need to pay their board but no more or move out
I don’t think your mum is taking on board how damaging her behaviour over the last 20years has been & upsetting try talking again & get tough
But for this to be effective you all need to be singing from the same shirt with her

MatildaTheCat · 19/02/2020 12:32

Offer to support her in any way other than financially to sort herself out. She says she doesn’t want to lose her house? Well that’s her incentive. She either engages with debt management and budgeting like an adult or she will lose her home.

None of this is your fault or responsibility. She won’t starve, she’s playing you like a fiddle in order to obtain cash from you. So unless you stop the problem will continue.

Time to draw a line and stop enabling her. I would offer her x amount of your time each week to help her sort this out and no more. She’s draining your emotions as well as your family money.

Maybe a family intervention is needed?

AriadnesFilament · 19/02/2020 12:37

Stop
Giving
Her
Money

All you’re doing is making it worse.

Jaxhog · 19/02/2020 12:58

If you absolutely feel you have to help her, then give her food, not money.

I also agree with a family intervention, that makes it very clear that there are boundaries to your help, and that she must agree to help herself first.

WaitrosesCheapestVodka · 19/02/2020 13:14

Haave a look on CAP (Christians against poverty) website. She may need debt help, or she may benefit from a money course.

Under no circumstances use CAP. They take over control of a person's finances and give them a tiny allowance to live on. It's profoundly unhelpful long term and will only see your mum asking you for more handouts.

LovePoppy · 19/02/2020 13:37

You said you’re going to make her an appointment with a debt company. Are you going to take her there by the hand? If offered her help, she doesn’t want it. Stop letting it be your problem

myusernamewastakenbyme · 19/02/2020 14:15

Im sick to death of people like this....i have a 'friend' who is constantly hinting she cant afford food....2 days later spends £20 on her nails and £80 on her hair....shes in her late 50's and earns way more than me....no fucking way am I helping her out....some people will never prioritise the boring stuff like bills and food....these people cant be helped.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2020 14:58

Main thing is that you and your siblings must all agree that there will be no more handouts. And that includes sister living with your mum. She should give her the usual 'rent' and perhaps buy some food but that's it. No more cash handouts. If you all don't stick together nothing will change.

Your mum is going to need to sink or swim. I have a feeling that when she starts sinking she'll be a bit more amenable to making changes.

Would bankruptcy take her house? I'm in the US and normally the house you live in is exempted (assuming you can make the payment).

BarbaraofSeville · 20/02/2020 15:25

In the UK, you would normally lose your house if made bankrupt, unless someone can buy the beneficial interest from you (no idea on the practicalities of this, but I would expect it would normally be between spouses where only one wants/needs to go bankrupt and the other wants them to be able to keep living in the house).

Littlewelshridinghood · 20/02/2020 15:33

Will she sit down with while you work out her income and outgoings? She might be able to budget if she works it out with someone.
My sister was the same, always borrowing from myself and my parents. She'd ask my dad first and if he said no she'd then ask my mum and then me. She'd always cry saying she had no money for food, electric, petrol etc and we'd get the same promises that she'll pay us back next week and we were lucky if we saw half the money we were owed.

Paintedmaypole · 20/02/2020 15:33

Is her partner freeloading off her? I agree that you need to stop and start saying No.

ploddingdonkey · 20/02/2020 17:55

@olaeliza

She doesn’t want her mother to starve she wants her mother to sort herself out and take responsibility for her own life

lynney88 · 20/02/2020 18:00

@OlaEliza stop being ridiculous.

Her children have been financing her for decades and have tried to help her. They don't want to see her starve. Hmm

They clearly have helped their mum but she is an adult and should know how to budget and sort her money. Unless she has MH problems.

They don't resent their mother but a child is not brought into the world to fix their parent's situation nor finance them every fortnight for over 20years!!!