She’s taking all of our money... pissed off big time

[Busybusybee2000]

I’m one of 3 siblings. Ever since my younger sister was born mum has been broke. Always scrimping and scraping. I’m now 40 and my little sister is 23. She has continually borrowed and I have given her hundreds of pounds over the year so has our brother. She mainly used to financially drain me and my brother but is now doing it to my lil sis as she still lives at home. We’ve tried to help mum by sending her job adverts, helping with cv’s etc but She is stuck In Her ways and doesn’t like change. She’s nearly 60 so I get that she’s reluctant to move jobs.
I have my own child so when she borrows/keeps money it leaves us short. We’re all fed up of it but not sure what to do. She says she doesn’t eat some evening due to no money to buy food. She won’t ask her partner to help her because she’s embarrassed to tell him Her situation. She borrows money from us all but keeps it quiet but now we all tell each other when she asks. I’m in a well paid job but I’m a single parent. I’m at the end of my tether. Feels like we’re paying for being born. What should I do?!

Is she local to you OP? I'd be inclined to invite her over once a week, and have your siblings do the same (obvs not the one who still lives with her anyway!)

This much be such a difficult situation for you. Have you explained to her that you can't really afford to give her this money?

Do you really think her partner would let her starve

Her daughter wants to, why wouldn't he?

What a horrible comment Ola.

OP is beside herself trying to help her feckless parent, and you make a crack like that.

She's embarrassed to tell her partner but he stays over 4 nights a week , what does he eat then ?
I think she's playing you op , yeah she may be skint and say stuff like I can only afford to eat crisps tonight I'm so poor but where does her money go ? .
You say you've had 20 years of this so not short term , so clearly she's rubbish at money it's not just she's in low income. Some people have low income and have dc to feed pay childcare etc but she just has herself. You and your siblings should just say no more money , will make the odd curry etc and send some essentials round like bread , milk etc but no cash . Offer to go through her finances with her to see her income outcome.
Sorry but I don't believe for a 2nd that her dp comes round and hasn't noticed nothing to eat . It's actually quite shameful that she's willing to take money off you when you have dc .

Just stop!!! Sit down with your siblings and talk about it properly and make a date when it will stop and tell her and stick to it !
She is 50 ffs and is obviously rubbish with money so if necessary work out a budget for her but please jsit stop. She can't guilt you into giving her money !

You need to stop.... the issues wontget addressed otherwise....

has she had proper debt advice step change? or someone like that she may be better off going bankrupt - I woudl suggest you/siblngs make her do it herself but stopping enabling her....you wont be able to sort it out properly as not experts..... maybe one of you go with her but she needs to sort it out if she s only 60's she could live for 20+years more so wont be sustainable.... how will she survive on a pension>?

She cannot keep her head in the sand at your expense..and she doesn't have the werewithal to be 'too proud' to either ask DP

Tell partner. (Which he clearly isn't, he's a user). He'll either contribute(lol) or leave. Either is a result.

Then debt advice. Maybe bankruptcy or an iva is the best thing for her.

If you get her things like frozen chicken legs, big bag of rice, frozen veg, mince, tinned soups and pasta plus milk for the freezer and something like tinned fruit/rice pudding and some cheaper biscuits it won't cost you so much.

Especially if you all chip in. Add some jars of sauce so she can make curry if she likes that...and stock cubes for stew/bolognaise.

As above. You could "keep" her well fed, with a couple of treats, for about £20 week.

The problem is that she will then put huge pressure on your youngest sibling to give her more and more money. It would be better for all (including you mother, whether she realises it or not) for your DS to move out.

It's an awful situation - horrible for everyone.

I wonder what on earth she does with the money she's given, if she doesn't buy food or payer debts?

Can’t she use a food bank?

Was it having the third child that put her in a permanent state of being broke? Maybe she feels like your sister 'owes her'. Horrible and wrong as that is.

Could she declare bankruptcy to have her debts set aside?

I know this isn't something to be done lightly - and it would probably also affect her home - she may lose it, I don't know, but would it be an option at all?

What a dreadful mess she's got herself into.

I have a relative who behaved in a similar fashion. Complex problems. Living on benefits including DLA.

I asked her to share details of her finances with me so we could work on a budget together. She refused.

I now no longer lend/give money. But for Christmas and birthday I top up her electricity key and I arrange a delivery of basic groceries every month.

I wouldn't be surprised if she is getting money from her partner and telling them that her kids don't help her

This had just flashed through my mind, too Settlers.

This is a tricky one as I have a similar situation. I send money every month to both my mum and dad (they are divorced and both single, both working and both in their 60s) and pay for major things such as repairs etc. However, my parents are in this situation due to no fault of their own. They worked very hard their entire lives to support me and my sibling but they did so in a very impoverished country riddled with corruption and refused to compromise their values for the sake of financial advancement. They sacrificed everything to give the two of us good education and a better chance to make it - which we did. There is no chance for them to change jobs at this age so DH and I send them both a top up every month to keep them afloat. It is difficult some months and we do have to give up things that would make our lives easier but I'd still rather make sure they have food every day and pay all their bills then have a nice holiday.

If your mum was a good mum, I'd consider sitting down with her and siblings and doing a joint financial plan. Just go over her outgoings, see how much she can afford realistically on her salary and see if the three of you can divide the rest between yourself in a sort of a fixed agreement.

İ hope she has a good pension OP.... Could get a lot worse in a few years time.

She sounds like dhs ex. Massive credit card bills. Refused to find a proper job. When they divorced she guilt tripped her dd into giving her money. The dd got into debt herself paying for her mother. Nightmare.

Why do people keep saying she has a low income.

She works, yes that can still be low income and difficult. But her mortgage is small. She is paying hardly anything to debt.

She has money coming in from all her kids on a regular basis. Plus rent and and extra approx £150 a month off the daughter that lives there. And still cant survive.

Thay doesnt sound like low income to me.

Just go over her outgoings, see how much she can afford realistically on her salary and see if the three of you can divide the rest between yourself in a sort of a fixed agreement.
You are suggesting OP, a single mum herself takes a third of the mums debt on?

Tell partner. (Which he clearly isn't, he's a user). He'll either contribute(lol) or leave. Either is a result.

You dont know that.

Ops mum thinks they dont all tell eachother. She tells them not to tell eachother.

Its highly likely she is taking money of him and has told him not to tell the kids or just not tell the kids herself.

I agree with giving her food. Drop off some batch cooked meals/pasta/oats etc every month or so. If she asks for money ‘sorry mum, we don’t have it to spare - We could drop you round some soup/eggs/bread if you’ve nothing in’.

Point her in the direction of a debt management service, go through her income/expenditure to work out a budget, check she is claiming every benefit she is entitled to, gp if you suspect mental health issues (and for food bank vouchers).

Handing over money isn't tackling the root cause of the problem. She'll happily exist on your handouts until she retires, when she'll need more. Give her notice of the handouts stopping and offer more useful support.

Nobody would mind helping a family member out if they were temporarily struggling, or if they were working hard to dig themselves out of a difficult situation, but this woman has decades of history of irresponsible borrowing, not repaying debts and doing fuck all to help herself.

Is She bad with money or just doesn’t have enough?
Has she ever done a budget ie Martin Lewis, gone and got help from citizens advice or someone similar .

I know you want to help your mum, but you can’t get on top of this without tackling the whole picture.
If she doesn’t have enough money coming in she needs to consider selling up and living somewhere that she can really afford, or generating an income to help her afford it ie lodger.

Something needs to change & I think you all need to sit her down and together help her really find a solution

Perhaps put your efforts into helping your little sister leave home? That sounds like a situation she needs to get out of. She’s 23 and being responsible for her 60yo mother, that’s just not good.

I agree with a PP - invite your mother round for food rather than doing a food shop which will only go on feeding her cocklodger partner. Imagine yourself going over and handing him your money in cash - taking it off your child to place directly into his hand - you just wouldn't would you? So why is it acceptable just because it's in the form of food?

Please get her to check entitlement to Universal Credit. I couldn't believe I was entitled to £230 a month when I earn a good wage .. (£37500) but still have a child at home.

She MAY not be entitled because she owns and doesn't rent but put her income through the calculator on the 'Turn2us' website. You never know.

If not get her to speak to StepChange the debt charity to negotiate lower repayment figures on her debts and to stop interest accruing.

Last but not least , she may need to look at selling her home and buying something smaller without a mortgage if that is possible.

Has any of those quick to call the partner a cocklodger noticed that the DMs financial problems have been going on for over 20 years and the fact that he owns his own property suggests that he probably hasn't been on the scene for all this time?

Of course he should pay for the food he eats but given that it sounds like the DM has lived in this house for many years, it sounds like the problem is mostly her own doing whether it is chronic overspending or simply failing to accept the fact that she doesn't have enough income to run the house and has tried to prop up her finances by borrowing, which almost never works because you usually end up paying interest on interest and getting further into debt, instead of working towards owning the property outright, which is where she should be at her stage in life.