She’s taking all of our money... pissed off big time

[Busybusybee2000]

I’m one of 3 siblings. Ever since my younger sister was born mum has been broke. Always scrimping and scraping. I’m now 40 and my little sister is 23. She has continually borrowed and I have given her hundreds of pounds over the year so has our brother. She mainly used to financially drain me and my brother but is now doing it to my lil sis as she still lives at home. We’ve tried to help mum by sending her job adverts, helping with cv’s etc but She is stuck In Her ways and doesn’t like change. She’s nearly 60 so I get that she’s reluctant to move jobs.
I have my own child so when she borrows/keeps money it leaves us short. We’re all fed up of it but not sure what to do. She says she doesn’t eat some evening due to no money to buy food. She won’t ask her partner to help her because she’s embarrassed to tell him Her situation. She borrows money from us all but keeps it quiet but now we all tell each other when she asks. I’m in a well paid job but I’m a single parent. I’m at the end of my tether. Feels like we’re paying for being born. What should I do?!

He doesn’t live with mum but stays 4/5 times a week so has it cushy.

So is he giving her money towards bills/food? If not, why not? A chat is definitely needed with him!

Her daughter wants to, why wouldn't he?

Have you rtft?! She is looking for a solution, not trying to starve her mum!

My mil had a partner that wouldn’t pay for anything- she always paid all the Bills could her partner be like that?

He doesn’t contribute. Mum says he might buy a few food items every couple of weeks. She’s beginning to resent him because she thinks he is not paying his way. But she hasn’t asked him for regular money. She doesn’t want to appear desperate. I’ve told her I do not want to feed humans that when she feeds him with my money it annoys me. I don’t resent her I just roll my eyes when she takes food from our table. My brother is getting pissed odd with it.

Ive read this same thread so many times before

I think you all need to stop enabling her, and let her and her partner work out how to live within their means.

There are two incomes going into the house, and no dependents, so it should be possible to budget effectively.

It is unsustainable to be a consistent £3-400 per month short, and I expect it will get worse as she looks to retire.

Does your younger sister, the one still at home, pay rent?

You all need to agree to say no, and stick to it. She is wrong to put so much financial pressure on you all. Help out in small ways - inviting her for tea or making an extra portion of food to drop round. When she makes you feel guilty about having crisps for tea, just nod along and suggest she budgets better.

Cazza6474 Don’t read it then. I’m looking for advice

A very wise old man said to me today that 'the kitten's don't feed the cat'. Not a phrase i have heard before, but perfectly suited to this situation. She needs to grow up - crisps for an evening meal is a bad choice. She could have chosen to spend her money on something more substantial than crisps. Stop funding her silly habits.

Is she gambling? Given that she's working and has only herself to feed, that seems like a huge shortfall every month.

Yes my younger sister pays rent plus an additional £100-150 for extra money mum asks for during the month.

No she doesn’t gamble, smoke, drink or take drugs. She earns a low income. One that certainly doesn’t cover the amount of debts she pays out each month. She Max’s credit cards and took out large loans 20 years ago and is still paying for the mess she was in

I think I'd stop all help until she either gets rid of her useless boyfriend or makes him contribute. Why should you be feeding him? How long has he been around and has the situation got worse since then?

If she spends cash instead of buying essentials, why do you think giving her cash will help her?
I think giving her food is a really good idea. Not because she needs it, but because it won't take her long to realise you don't give her money any more. I wouldn't make food for her either. I'd give her one of those veg stew packs and some stock cubes. Maybe some dried beans. That way you'll know she's got nutritious food. I bet she'll stop asking you after a few goes.

It's shit but I understand you don't like her to starve.

I would get together with the siblings, all chip in and buy her a monthly shop. Food that keeps....and tell her "that's it...no cash"

So you know she can eat. She won't be able to say "I only had crisps" as you will know what you got her,.

She also sounds like she needs to speak to someone about rearranging her payments.

DebtLine is very good. They will help her inform her debt collectors that she's only able to pay X amount a week ...and it will be LOW...and they have to accept basically.

It’s her partner!! 4-5 days at hers and no contribution? Bonkers.

When she says she has no food invite her round to eat with you. You'll soon find it's not true.

If you get her things like frozen chicken legs, big bag of rice, frozen veg, mince, tinned soups and pasta plus milk for the freezer and something like tinned fruit/rice pudding and some cheaper biscuits it won't cost you so much.

Especially if you all chip in. Add some jars of sauce so she can make curry if she likes that...and stock cubes for stew/bolognaise.

Invest some time to sort it out. Get her in touch with the debt advisory service - its very likely the debt interest that is strangling her - they can get that frozen. Tell her that you are saving for a holiday and there will be no more cash but that you'll help her to sort out her finances but she must be honest about her debt.

Cherry I agree. He's bleeding her dry and she is allowing it.

She might be afraid of losing him....work on her self confidence OP.

Wait, so your sister still lives at home and you think it's unreasonable for her to give your mother some money, when your mother has not enough to feed herself on a regular basis? What?

Of course your sister should be coughing up some money. Could you sleep at night knowing your mother hadn't eaten, and you didnt' help her because you were sick of helping? That's really TERRIBLE. Yes, YABU. This is your mother. She's been broke for 23 years. That's exhausting.

Oh, I didn't read that your sister was paying rent. Still....

Lurker I think it's a given the sister pays rent etc but the Mother's also taking other money from her.

And yes it's bad to be poor but people have also to take responsibility for themselves and this woman is allowing her partner to stay with her most of the week without contributing.

He's upping her bills and probably eating the food too! She needs to get HIM to contribute.

Wait, so your sister still lives at home and you think it's unreasonable for her to give your mother some money, when your mother has not enough to feed herself on a regular basis?

No. The OP thinks it's unreasonable for her DM to hit her sister up for "loans" on top of the room & board she already pays every month. Which it is.

You and your siblings need to talk somewhere away from your mum and you all need to agree on a plan of action.
A bulk basic shop between you all , as other posters have said, but you all need to stop enabling her with your cash.
She needs to get funds from her boyfriend, particularly as he’s there 4/5 nights a week.
She probably needs to talk to CAB too about her debts .
This won’t get resolved soon but very good luck to you.