Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick a wedding date the weekend before my sister in-laws sister?

211 replies

nicgrev · 17/02/2020 15:24

I got engaged on the 10th Jan this year :). We told everyone we were keen on a September wedding as this works best for both myself and my fiancees parents work schedules. My brother and sister in law gave us a raft of dates in September that would not work for them. This, combined with a few dates that we could not do due to prior engagements left us with no September weekends :(. Unless we went for a Friday...So we decided the 25th of September could work well. The 25th happens to be the Friday before one of the weekends my brother and sister in law said they could not do. That weekend they are gathering with my sister in laws sister as a sort of weekend before her wedding get together. Since telling them of this proposed date they have said that it will not work for them for 2 reasons. 1, They think it is rude to have our wedding 8 days before my sister in laws sisters wedding (something about stealing the limelight, but honestly it has nothing to do with that and my sister in law said that she knew this was not the intention) 2, They feel it will interfere with their weekend pre-wedding get together with my sister in laws sister as it is on the Friday prior to this. I would never take offence if someone booked their wedding in the week before mine and my fiancee feels the same but clearly my brother and sister in law do... so am I being unreasonable/rude?

OP posts:
mumofbun · 18/02/2020 15:01

Although i don't think you are being unreasonable, if for whatever reason my sibling couldn't make a date that i had proposed for our wedding, i wouldn't be having it that day! Especially a sibling close enough to be best man to my husband.

Lweji · 18/02/2020 15:39

But the sibling didn't initially say he couldn't and blocked most other weekends.

Waveysnail · 18/02/2020 15:45

Two weddings close together sucks for the guests but that's not your problem.

Thewarrenerswife · 18/02/2020 16:02

@Lweji

I don’t think it’s the same weekend, it’s the weekend before, but the same weekend as the other weddings additional celebrations (hen/stag?). Did the brother block all other weekends in the year, probably not. Was OP
vague when she stayed ‘raft of dates’, in order to make you think her reasonable... yes. He said he couldn’t do that weekend, so she books the Friday. She clearly doesn’t want her brother to be fully involved in her wedding, because she knows he’s got commitments. She either doesn’t like her brother, or it’s a power trip.

Thewarrenerswife · 18/02/2020 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HillAreas · 18/02/2020 16:11

Perhaps if your first wedding wasn’t such a desperate rush job, there wouldn’t be a next wedding.
Another one who cannot distinguish between a wedding and a marriage 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 18/02/2020 16:25

I think the problem you have is that SILs sister is planning a wedding much different to yours, and you can't pick a date for a few weeks around it without some sort of problem for them as you're either encroaching or they'll be too weddinged out to want involvement afterwards. You need to either pick the wedding date that suits best for most, or you pick what suits best for a few. From the sounds of it, this date works best for you and DF and both your parent sets.

Perhaps if your first wedding wasn’t such a desperate rush job, there wouldn’t be a next wedding.
My first wedding was very long in the planning. Marriage still fell apart. Second one was booked and planned in 7 weeks, has outlasted the first by twice the amount and I very much hope will carry on.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 18/02/2020 16:53

Perhaps if your first wedding wasn’t such a desperate rush job, there wouldn’t be a next wedding

Wow. Fucking hell thats rude. For your information my first marriage lasted over 15 years and only ended with my husband's death.

I'm all for people having the wedding they want - indeed I intend for my second one to be exactly what we both want - but I don't see the necessity for planning years in advance and bringing in wedding planners. However, as much as it puzzles me it's not my business what people spend their money on.

MiniEggAddiction · 18/02/2020 16:55

Perhaps if your first wedding wasn’t such a desperate rush job, there wouldn’t be a next wedding.

Wow what a truly nasty comments. Completely nonsensical with it. Are you genuinely suggesting that a long drawn out engagement and an expensive wedding somehow makes a marriage more likely to last? (In fact the amount spent on a wedding is inversely proportional to the longevity of the marriage).

Vandree · 18/02/2020 16:57

There are some bonkers replies here OP. Your sil's sister has monopolised not just one weekend but 2 (and probably a few other very important to them but not to everyone else dates for pre wedding faff too I bet). Your brother gave you dates they were busy, you didn't book one of those dates, I am not sure what more they want? My brothers both had weddings 14 days apart, all the same guests. It was expensive and exhausting but no one complained, its just a day even though some brides try to drag out the "magic". You just cant keep everyone happy and suit everyone. People wont be able to do the day, they wont like your venue, your food, your cake, your vows and someone will always complain. They most important people are the bride and groom, the celebrant and the parents. Once thats all sorted the rest is a bonus. I think your sil just got it in her head that you were taking away her sisters limelight and decided whatever day you picked will be wrong. How many times have people gone to weddings and left early for babysitters or holidays and even other weddings?! Its not affecting your brother being able to attend your wedding so keep the day you want. If sil really feels she cant make it to your wedding then thats fine, but I bet she will turn up, cant imagine her wanting to miss out Wink

Thewarrenerswife · 18/02/2020 17:11

@DevilsAdv0caat

It’s actually a lovely industry to work in. Suppliers get booked up because they can only make so many cakes, arrange so many flowers, and be in so many places each weekend. Enough people seem to be sticking to tradition to keep the industry strong. Your bitterness and disdain for the way many like to celebrate their marriage is more a reflection of you, than those who choose to take their time in planning something that they feel is very important to them.

Thewarrenerswife · 18/02/2020 17:16

MiniEggAddiction

I’m suggesting that when someone uses their failed first rushed marriage to validate why weddings can be rushed.... it’s ironic.

In short, yes, those kind of I’ll thought out marriages are more likely to fail. A wedding should take time and planning if you want it to be the only one. Not for the event itself, but because getting married is a big deal.

Avocadohips · 18/02/2020 17:21

Perhaps if your first wedding wasn’t such a desperate rush job, there wouldn’t be a next wedding

Wow. Fucking hell thats rude. For your information my first marriage lasted over 15 years and only ended with my husband's death

CHUFFING HELL I think that is the rudest comment I have ever seen on mumsnet, and I have been here on and off since 2006 Hmm

I sincerely hope @Thewarrenerswife sees the OP's reply and realises how appallingly rude they have been and apologises wholeheartedly

Dylaninthemovies1 · 18/02/2020 17:23

Really, the wedding has no bearing on how a marriage turns out. I’ve been to a few weddings at short notice (6 weeks) and the marriages are still going strong. 25 years ago my brother and his wife got married just after his 21st birthday very quickly for practical reasons. Still together.

Also been to big fancy weddings which were planned over a few years. In two of these, the couple split in less than 5 years....

MiniEggAddiction · 18/02/2020 17:24

I’m suggesting that when someone uses their failed first rushed marriage to validate why weddings can be rushed.... it’s ironic.

Wait, so you're saying that a fifteen year marriage which ends in the death of one partner is a failed marriage? You're coming across as a spectacularly unpleasant person. You're hardly dispelling the impression that people who work in the wedding industry are vapid, materialistic and lacking in empathy are you?

Not only are you unpleasant, nasty and rude you're also ignorant. As a PP pointed out there is a difference between a wedding and a marriage. Entering a marriage takes time and thought. Planning a wedding doesn't. As I said previously statistically the opposite of what you say is true. The less money spent on a wedding the more likely the wedding is to succeed.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 18/02/2020 17:28

@Thewarrenerswife

Wow - you're really not covering yourself in glory here are you. Nobody but people who work in the wedding industry and are desperate to profit from it believe that a long drawn out period of wedding prep is a good test of a lasting marriage. I notice you use the words "marriage" and "wedding" interchangeably. A wedding is a one day event involving a short legal ceremony and a party afterwards. This can be arranged over years or days depending on your taste. A marriage is a union of two people which is meant to last a life time and takes much longer to establish.

GreenTulips · 18/02/2020 17:34

A wedding should take time and planning if you want it to be the only one. Not for the event itself, but because getting married is a big deal

Utter twaddle!

Birdshitbridgegotme · 18/02/2020 17:34

If they really wanted to come they would. They said they were busy that weekend not the fri before. Clearly your SIL has some sort of issue. Otherwise they would suck it up attend your wedding and then do what they were planning with her sis the day after like they had plans. Tired or not. Also what sort of brother would not be there at your actual wedding but not miss his SIL PRE wedding 8 days before her actual wedding. Especially as ' his BIL' is like a brother to.him....hold on you are his ACTUAL sister.

Fuck them. Do it when you want they will or wont be there.

chubbylover78 · 18/02/2020 17:39

You wedding, your day, and you can have it when you like. We got married 4 months after my brother and it was difficult for my sil as I'd been married before and felt I was trying to upstage her by having it the same year let alone only a few months later. You can't please everyone when it comes to weddings, we were engaged for 10 years before we got wed but decided to do it on my 40th so we couldn't really change the date.

Lweji · 18/02/2020 17:41

Time and planning doesn't have to be one year or more.
Choose a few dates.
Find a suitable venue for the ceremony.
Find a suitable venue for the party.
Find a suitable caterer.
...

You don't have to spend months agonising over which napkins to choose.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/02/2020 17:48

Hold on op - my cousin is getting married on the 26th so It won’t work for me either! That’s how daft they are being!
If it were your sister in law I’d understand more - same family attending a wedding on two consecutive weekends - the 2nd one would be a bit flatter. But surely it’s a different family bar one or two?
Just book what suits you.

Lweji · 18/02/2020 17:51

I'm still friends with a couple who got married two weeks after mine. I think I missed a trick there. I should have dumped them, apparently.

I have always thought the correlation between time/money spent on wedding and marriage length was reverse.

Here you go:
www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/wedding-cost-marriage-divorce-ring-how-much-price-study-a8435646.html
Grin

If we consider that those taking a lot longer to plan are after the most expensive/sought after locations/professionals, I'd say time spending on wedding is not a good sign by itself.

Canapes · 18/02/2020 17:53

A wedding should take time and planning if you want it to be the only one.

Piffle. It's a bloody party, not the Festival of Britain!

My wedding was organised in about a fortnight when both of us were already very busy. I wore a white sundress. We all went for tapas afterwards. The marriage has lasted 28 years and counting.

MamaGee09 · 18/02/2020 17:53

My cousin got married on a Friday and my ds brother got married the next day. No hassle, no problems, we went to both and had a great time.

mrsdarcyplease · 18/02/2020 18:17

They are completely unreasonably. I don’t think any weddings I have been invited to have asked me for my available dates... fit enough not the weekend of the actual wedding but 8 days before is perfectly fine!! Your sister in law can still meet up with her sister that weekend as your wedding is a Friday. Book the date that is best for you, your hubbie to be and all your immediate family ... your sister in law and brother in law need to be accommodating for you. It’s a one off day that is about you and your future husband