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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick a wedding date the weekend before my sister in-laws sister?

211 replies

nicgrev · 17/02/2020 15:24

I got engaged on the 10th Jan this year :). We told everyone we were keen on a September wedding as this works best for both myself and my fiancees parents work schedules. My brother and sister in law gave us a raft of dates in September that would not work for them. This, combined with a few dates that we could not do due to prior engagements left us with no September weekends :(. Unless we went for a Friday...So we decided the 25th of September could work well. The 25th happens to be the Friday before one of the weekends my brother and sister in law said they could not do. That weekend they are gathering with my sister in laws sister as a sort of weekend before her wedding get together. Since telling them of this proposed date they have said that it will not work for them for 2 reasons. 1, They think it is rude to have our wedding 8 days before my sister in laws sisters wedding (something about stealing the limelight, but honestly it has nothing to do with that and my sister in law said that she knew this was not the intention) 2, They feel it will interfere with their weekend pre-wedding get together with my sister in laws sister as it is on the Friday prior to this. I would never take offence if someone booked their wedding in the week before mine and my fiancee feels the same but clearly my brother and sister in law do... so am I being unreasonable/rude?

OP posts:
snappycamper · 17/02/2020 16:30

The reason no one thinks you're unreasonable is that you aren't...

Lweji · 17/02/2020 16:31

According to the vote, 8-9 people think the OP is BU:

Thewarrenerswife · 17/02/2020 16:45

Your brother’s sister in law may not be anything to do with you, but if his wife is close with her sister, then yes, the wedding has a lot to do with your brother. They gave you dates they couldn’t do. So by picking those dates you’re saying it’s okay if he doesn’t go to your wedding. I do see this from the other side, because I’m extremely close with my sister, and it would be really important that my husband was there with me. If his sister decided to pick a date close, that clashed with existing plans around my sister’s wedding, there would be no contest. We tend to have weddings which extend beyond the wedding day itself, we make the most of it and milk what we hope will be a one off celebration and make it last. It’s sounds like your brothers wife’s family are planning the same. Not everyone wants it over and done in one day. That said, I can’t remember anyone in our family getting married so soon after engagement, so perhaps that’s why we’ve never had a problem with dates. I think your decision to stick with the date will cause unnecessary animosity with your brother, is that really how you want to start your marriage?

RedskyAtnight · 17/02/2020 16:46

how many people (other than brother and sister-in-law) will be at both weddings? If this was my family, the answer would be "none". If there is a considerable overlap of friends/family members that would be going to both weddings, I agree it's a bit rude to have the weddings quite so close.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/02/2020 16:47

I have no idea who this would even be in my family! Book your wedding and enjoy. Your guest list will annoy someone no matter when the wedding is or who you invite

nettie434 · 17/02/2020 16:54

Would love to hear from someone who thinks it's unreasonable

Trying really hard to think if there is a possible reason why you are being unreasonable and I can't come up with anything.

Luckystar20 · 17/02/2020 16:54

Could be a cost for them attending two family weddings so close together. Attending weddings dont come cheap.

Aureum · 17/02/2020 16:59

They think it is rude to have our wedding 8 days before my sister in laws sisters wedding
Have you even met her? Is there anyone who’d attend both weddings apart from your DB and SIL? I don’t see how you’re “stealing the limelight” if nobody except them is going to both weddings. Book your wedding whenever you want. Book the Saturday - your wedding is a higher priority than just hanging out with someone who gets married the following week.

LIZS · 17/02/2020 17:02

Ridiculous. How many people are invited to both? Go with dates to suit you.

partofthepeanutgallery · 17/02/2020 17:03

Mentally tell them to fuck off.

Book a weekend in September that suits you. They've already made it clear they have no intention of going to yours if there's even a sniff of inconvenience or faux outrage about something irrelevant. Pick a date you want and tell them they'll be missed (they won't) when they said they can't go.

congrats on your engagement.

squeaver · 17/02/2020 17:06

Would they actually be doing anything on the day of your wedding? It's the day before this pre-wedding gathering, isn't it? Do they have to travel a long way to get there?

I can only think that it's the logistics that's the problem. The stealing the limelight argument is ridiculous.

bilbodog · 17/02/2020 17:08

Are there many people coming to your wedding that might also be going to the other one? If there are i would want to have longer between the 2 weddings as otherwise it could be expensive for people travelling and some may need to take time off work and not be able to do that 2 weeks in a row.

Rafflesway · 17/02/2020 17:09

Another one here baffled by people who think you are being unreasonable, OP.

I have been married many years now but DH and I decided upon a Friday wedding as I didn't want to share the church, (June wedding so VERY popular 😁).

My aunt, who I was very close to in those days, had her best friend's wedding the day after ours. I didn't know this at the time of booking ours but it made absolutely no difference to either wedding as they were both extremely different. I knew the bride - aunt's best friend - and we called to congratulate each other, share how plans were going etc.
Aunt had a ball at mine and then enjoyed a fantastic day at her friend's the next day.

No snowflakes in those days though. 🙄

ManCubsMama · 17/02/2020 17:10

Your SIL (and possibly BIL) is jealous and is creating problems for you deliberately. Don’t pander to it

Lucked · 17/02/2020 17:14

Book it before the date goes!

Send them a message about how it would be lovely to see them even if they can only make it for the ceremony and then forget about them.

Honestly I am trying to imagine them at some prewedding gathering and having to explain to people why they are missing your wedding to be there! Bonkers.

Aosdana · 17/02/2020 17:17

Only a complete nutter would think you were in any way unreasonable.

What your SIL's sister is doing is irrelevant. It's the equivalent of tiptoeing around avoiding wedding dates because it's some cousin's wedding anniversary and I quote a batshit Mn thread from years ago 'they think it's unfair that this day is now 'split' between two couples in the same extended family and not just theirs anymore'.

Sally872 · 17/02/2020 17:20

They should make the effort to come not give you a list of unsuitable dates. I would avoid the SILs sisters wedding date but not any other.

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 17/02/2020 17:24

I dont understand why you arent going for a Saturday date that you want really. If the Friday isnt going to suit anyway then why not just go for a Saturday.

Also, have you considered early October? Its pretty similar to September?

Original poster
nicgrev · 17/02/2020 17:26

To answer a few questions:

There would be an overlap of guests. My parents and SIL parents, myself and fiancee, and SIL's sister and fiancee would be invited too, but it's clear they would not all be able to come if we go with the 25th, even though they have no plans for this day but for the sat and sun. Perhaps this is the real problem?

Logistics should not be a problem, 2 hour drive to be at my wedding then another 2 hours to SIL's sister.

I have met the SIL's sister about 4-5 times and we were thrilled to be invited to their wedding. They are also on our guest list.

I'd like my DB and SIL to be at my wedding and DB potentially Best Man... I'm in a pickle because I don't want them to be there but be unhappy and us not have a nice time together. I guess I'll just have to compromise, as always, but at least I know I wasn't being unreasonable!

OP posts:
bubblesforlife · 17/02/2020 17:30

My 2 cents on the matter. The relationship is too far removed for it to matter.

If this is already causing upset and stress for you, you don’t want that to get worse closer to your wedding. So weigh it up, will the matter be parked by all parties, without you being guilt tripped?
Your feelings matter here, put you and your OH first.

iolaus · 17/02/2020 17:31

When you asked your brother/SIL did they say they couldn't do weekend of the 26th (regardless of reason) or that they couldn't do the weekend after - because if they said they couldn't do the weekend of the 26th I think booking it for the Friday 25th (assuming you are having an evening do) was inconsiderate. (especially as you had asked them - which implied you were planning on accommodating them - that weekend includes the Friday night IMHO)

However the whole limelight stealing part is just stupid

Original poster
nicgrev · 17/02/2020 17:32

Also, my brother has said that he would come on that date but that it is rude/unreasonable to select it and that SIL would not be able come. He says it would be awkward for him with his future BIL as he is 'like a brother to him'.

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/02/2020 17:33

They gave you dates they couldn’t do.

And the date the OP picked wasn't one of them.

The 25th happens to be the Friday before one of the weekends my brother and sister in law said they could not do.

It was after she picked her date the told her it was the week before the other wedding and therefore they wouldn't be available.

You are most certainly not bring unreasonable, OP. I picked (and booked) my wedding date and told my family. My brother picked his wedding date (abroad) and told our family. My sister picked her wedding date and told us. My other brother picked his date and told us. We all managed to attend each others wedding without consultation before on what dates suit everyone.

You want a Saturday wedding in September. Book a Saturday wedding in September. Your groom and his side of the family should come higher in consideration than your brother's wife's sister!

Echobelly · 17/02/2020 17:34

Sometimes you're just in a phase when a lot of people are getting married. A friend whose friendship group got married the day before us, but it's just one of those things. There was also a year where loads of friends had wedding close together, one set on same weekend - it's just how things panned out.

You sound like you have good reasons for your date, and a week really isn't coming in right on top of the other wedding.

Original poster
nicgrev · 17/02/2020 17:35

@iolaus I didn't ask them which dates they could do. They told me. But I guess being my brother it is assumed I will accommodate. Thank you for your input.

OP posts:
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