To pick a wedding date the weekend before my sister in-laws sister?

[nicgrev]

I got engaged on the 10th Jan this year :). We told everyone we were keen on a September wedding as this works best for both myself and my fiancees parents work schedules. My brother and sister in law gave us a raft of dates in September that would not work for them. This, combined with a few dates that we could not do due to prior engagements left us with no September weekends :(. Unless we went for a Friday...So we decided the 25th of September could work well. The 25th happens to be the Friday before one of the weekends my brother and sister in law said they could not do. That weekend they are gathering with my sister in laws sister as a sort of weekend before her wedding get together. Since telling them of this proposed date they have said that it will not work for them for 2 reasons. 1, They think it is rude to have our wedding 8 days before my sister in laws sisters wedding (something about stealing the limelight, but honestly it has nothing to do with that and my sister in law said that she knew this was not the intention) 2, They feel it will interfere with their weekend pre-wedding get together with my sister in laws sister as it is on the Friday prior to this. I would never take offence if someone booked their wedding in the week before mine and my fiancee feels the same but clearly my brother and sister in law do... so am I being unreasonable/rude?

You are actually the inflexible ones, not your brother and his wife. It is unkind and taking the shine off the wedding of another couple, who have been kind to invite you, to slot your wedding in 8 days before a wedding. Especially on a Friday, which will mean people will have to take time off work. Then they have to slope off to what is possibly stag / hen dos the next day.

This is bonkers. Ignore the nutters OP. Your wedding so suit yourself. It doesn't actually matter if the poor flowers have to socialise two weekends (and two days) in a row. What a chore

Book your wedding when it suits you. Your B and SIL seem to think they have some high ground over you. How tiresome ...

I think it depends on how friendly you want future relations to be with your sil. Considering she is your brother's wife and her behaviour towards you could impact his? I would likely go ahead if you have your heart set on a September wedding however, be prepared for this to sour relations.

My wedding day was two days after my sil cousins wedding but because we are Asian and have other ceremonies before the actual wedding day it meant that some events clashed. As a result of this sil was unable to go to some of the events of her cousin's wedding as my dh is her only bil (only bil trumps cousin in terms of family relations). Six years later it is still a grievance but I have not and will not apologise. Our dates were shared first and tbh had sil chosen to go to her cousins wedding instead it would have been no great loss! We do not have much of a relationship though and as she is my bil's wife rather than my own brother's I don't really give a toss.

They clearly do though, as they are invited to each others' weddings.

They get one day.

OP made the comment herself about “I am also no spring chicken, 40 next year” herself, as to why she had to choose that date.

I stand by my statement that 6-7 months is a rush job. Not just because of the dress, but because most established suppliers, of cakes, catering, entertainment, cars etc will also be booked up at this point. And venues for that matter! You’ll find suppliers, and venues, but you’ll have to take what’s left in terms of date and supplier, and what’s available off the peg in terms of dress. Plenty of people do it of course, but the majority of weddings are organised more in advance.

I’m glad to see plenty of posters now seeing through OP’s initial half truth post. Clearly her family are very friendly with her brothers wife’s family, and are all invited to each other’s weddings. Those saying they’re not close with their siblings in laws, it doesn’t really matter. The OP’s family are, and that’s where the issue lies.

I do think that if OP’s initial post had read more honestly, about the cross invitations of the families, and the fact that she’s slotting her last minute wedding in the weekend before a long planned wedding her family are already involved in. I don’t think the response would be the same. There are so many other dates available, and since OP has been so vague about the ‘raft of dates’ her brother said he couldn’t do (some people do make plans for over 6 months away), I wonder if in fact there are only a few dates he couldn’t make due to prior commitments, and the one she’s chosen is one of them.

For ease and a bit of peace I would choose whichever date suits best in October - and not ask for permission of any date that month. Just book.

But I think labelling someone a "sociopath" because they booked their wedding 8 days before their SIL's sisters wedding is deeply unpleasant.

@Thewarrenerswife

We are not close. As mentioned previously we have met each other 4-5 times. Our families are not close either. The date works extremely well for both my parents and my fiancees parents who also work throughout the summer.

Also, not the whole shebang- invites have not been sent out we were just told this was their plan.

We have our own venue and catering so no issue of rush there.

I know this won't change your mind. Just felt the need to correct a few assumptions. Thank you for your input it is really helpful to see the other side of the argument. I just wish you were a bit more civil about it. I am up for a debate but personal attacks are unnecessary, just say I'm being unreasonable and leave it at that.

OP - can you confirm is the wedding event their hen and stag dos? If so I think that is definitely unreasonable.

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo
No this is not the date of hen or stag do.

If they haven't sent invitations to their wedding, then I doubt any hen/stag plans are set in stone. Your SIL can ask them to change them so that she can attend your wedding.

Too much fuss is made of hen and stags these days, anyway. Weddings don't have to be month long affairs, with everyone bowing out of doing anything else during that time.

There's no shine, no limelight. It's a wedding. It's two people joining their lives legally.
If the highlight of your life is your wedding, I think you need to rethink your priorities. It's quite sad.

Since when has it become the norm to wait ages before getting married? My first wedding was organised in 3 months. It's not that difficult. My next wedding is going to be in a year or twos time but we are absolutely nit planning it yet. It's insane.

Oh and in both cases my fiancé and I have/will choose the date. It's no one else's business. All guests need to do is decide whether or not they turn up. If one of my siblings (who I'm very close to) couldn't prioritise my wedding over a party then I'd be very happy for them not to attend my wedding.

Leighhalfpennysthigh since weddings became a multimillion pound industry I expect. If everyone planned their own low key wedding in 3 months Thewarrenerswife and her many colleagues would be out of a job.

People have been convinced that all sorts of jaw droppingly expensive pointless nonsense is essential and that it's so complicated they need to pay an event organiser!

I take it you are not actually close to your brother - because surely you would be talking about this... 'bruv you know when need to get move on at my age because of wanting kids, you know that in our jobs we can't get time off for this till September so what do you suggest. Are you seriously saying I should wait for your wifes family occasions to all be over so that I can get married?'
Why is he even being considered as a best man if you can't have this conversation with him rather than with Mumsnet???

@jillandhersprite

I am trying to have this conversation with him. Just wanted to try and see his side of the story by coming on here.

WTAF? Who do they think they are?!

I actually work in weddings, and we all roll our eyes at a time frame like that.
It's no wonder why a lot of people getting married are avoiding working with traditional suppliers 'in weddings' when they have attitudes like this.

Not just because of the dress, but because most established suppliers, of cakes, catering, entertainment, cars etc will also be booked up at this point.
They get booked up BECAUSE of the wedding industry instilling this idea that any less than 2 years is a rush rob and one simply MUST book years in advance to secure the BEST. Its self propagating and the wedding industry KNOW that, it's why they do it. To ensure panic and ensure bookings.

what’s available off the peg in terms of dress.
EW yes, who wants off the peg. The plebs.

This does illustrate how sucked in some people have allowed themselves to be by the wedding industry. if you're getting married you get ONE DAY you don't get to commandeer weeks at a time for the entire extended family. No one but you're very closest family (in reality just you and your parents) are really going to give much thought to your wedding even the next day.

There is absolutely no need to spend a fortune and years of your time arranging a one day event. If you want to go all out you can do but no one can possibly expect the rest of the world to stand still.

I'm quite surprised at the responses. I wouldn't consider getting married the weekend before a sibling or a sibling in law. It may well force guests to choose between the two weddings, and guests might be tired after travelling for two weekends in a row. I don't see how that can be the only weekend you can do.

Indeed, @IceCreamFace. People really do swallow the whole Best Day of Your Life That You've Been Dreaming About Since You Were Eight And Got Bridal Barbie.

And some people get really hostile at the notion that being so exercised about the whole thing/it taking years and costing huge amounts to organise is entirely optional I've lost count of the number of Mn threads about wedding favours where fifty posters have replied, 'Look, don't bother no one remembers them, and most people don't remember to take home their souvenir fridge magnet/jam miniature/personalised flower seeds -- put the money you save into food and drink', and the OP then explodes in high dudgeon about how HER souvenir fridge-magnets that she is handmaking, all 200 of them, are going to be different, and universally cherished for years.

Jesus christ where do these people come from?!

Y would BU to arrange your wedding around the list of dates that would work for anybody who is not a core part of the wedding.

Book it for a date that works for bride and groom.

I'm quite surprised at the responses. I wouldn't consider getting married the weekend before a sibling or a sibling in law.

Neither is the OP.
It's the SIL's sister who's getting married, not SIL.

Not just because of the dress, but because most established suppliers, of cakes, catering, entertainment, cars etc will also be booked up at this point.

Not all. And I'm sure a few get cancelled. And it's those "perfect" places everybody wants. There will be other places that will do, and won't cost a fortune either.

Why are so many saying the sil sister is getting married that weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️ She is not! It’s a hen do /pre wedding festivities..

OP get married if it works for you and Fiancé! There is never going to be a date that will suit everyone else and of the date is not the problem it will be the venue or the food or transport yadda yadda!

I thought it was only Thewarrenerswife who thought the wedding was the same weekend. But then their posts are slightly completely mad.