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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick a wedding date the weekend before my sister in-laws sister?

211 replies

nicgrev · 17/02/2020 15:24

I got engaged on the 10th Jan this year :). We told everyone we were keen on a September wedding as this works best for both myself and my fiancees parents work schedules. My brother and sister in law gave us a raft of dates in September that would not work for them. This, combined with a few dates that we could not do due to prior engagements left us with no September weekends :(. Unless we went for a Friday...So we decided the 25th of September could work well. The 25th happens to be the Friday before one of the weekends my brother and sister in law said they could not do. That weekend they are gathering with my sister in laws sister as a sort of weekend before her wedding get together. Since telling them of this proposed date they have said that it will not work for them for 2 reasons. 1, They think it is rude to have our wedding 8 days before my sister in laws sisters wedding (something about stealing the limelight, but honestly it has nothing to do with that and my sister in law said that she knew this was not the intention) 2, They feel it will interfere with their weekend pre-wedding get together with my sister in laws sister as it is on the Friday prior to this. I would never take offence if someone booked their wedding in the week before mine and my fiancee feels the same but clearly my brother and sister in law do... so am I being unreasonable/rude?

OP posts:
TiptopJ · 17/02/2020 20:22

I think your brother and SIL are BU. I can see where they're coming from with the pre wedding weekend (it seems bit ott but if that's what her sister is doing then sil has to just go with it) and that sils sisters wedding has been planned and arranged for a long time. But- the fact that theve left you with no other option but the Friday and are still complaining is very unfair.
Can you offer them a compromise if it works for you? Pick a later date in september/1st week of oct but they rearrange or give up one of their other plans for you? If it's possible and suits you to do that I think you're be very fair to offer it. They need to be more flexible if that's what they're demanding of you.

EL8888 · 17/02/2020 20:23

I know this isn’t what you asked for but l don’t think you’re being unreasonable. “What about me” is something l would be thinking in your shoes and as others have said no one owns the month of September. You have been more considered and polite about it then l would have been. Your SIL sister is pretty tenuous in the grand scheme of things

CherryPavlova · 17/02/2020 20:56

Thewarrenerswife. It’s a long while since our wedding. We advised we didn’t consult. They were told the date.

Our daughter is marrying in July. Her siblings, who she loves dearly and who are bridesmaids/usher were not consulted about the date.
I rather expect the siblings to prioritise the wedding and associated events. It’s not something to negotiate.

couchlover · 17/02/2020 21:31

Have you by any chance booked your wedding the day before their hen and stag doos? Its kind of what it sounds like to be honest.

I think there are plenty of dates to choose from and to choose a date the same weekend as by the sounds of it a big pre wedding celebration (if it's Saturday and sunday) I think it being deliberately awkward.

Of course you can choose any date you like but if you want your family to attend you don't choose a weekend you know they have a big event on.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/02/2020 22:36

Thewarrenerswife

@CherryPavlova

Do you not have siblings? Or do you have them and just not get on with them? confused

I have 3 married siblings, plus me. Nobody consulted any other sibling about the date for our wedding. We told each other what date we were getting married. And there was no negotiation. Why would there be?

OP's first mistake was telling people they were thinking of September wedding and letting others think they had the option of giving suggestions of dates.

If the 25th of September is a problem, pick the first Saturday in September and let them come up with some excuse why that's a problem.

As I said, I think they just don't want you getting married before the other wedding at all.

Thewarrenerswife · 17/02/2020 22:44

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

That’s all very well if the wedding isn’t a rush job. You plan you wedding to be in 6/7months, you’re going to get clashes. Why would you expect you brother to default on a wedding which is clearly part of his wife’s and his own family, for the sake of his petulant sister who feels she’s too long in the tooth to wait more than 6-7 months and MUST be married THIS September. The other wedding is already booked, invites out, the whole shebang. What kind of Sociopath sees picks the weekend before said already planned wedding, which she herself, and her family have been invited to? This isn’t a simple case of picking a random date and brother being awkward in not wanting to attend. This is the one period in the year her brother has commitments to his own family (which involves his own family too). I’m pretty sure most of the family find OP’s choice of dates petulant and attention seeking.

justasking111 · 17/02/2020 22:49

Your brother can come to ceremony poke his head in at reception then head off for a chilling evening, early night so he is ready for the weekend. That would be the sensible thing to do.

GreenTulips · 17/02/2020 22:54

If you have the money, why not go for April or May?

FrippEnos · 17/02/2020 22:56

Of course you can pick any date that you like.

but you seem to have chosen this one as it makes life difficult for other people.

Yes its not on the weekend before, but most possibly all of the people will be/would have been working on the Friday.

It almost seems like you are trying to get your DB to choose between you and his wife.

Dylaninthemovies1 · 17/02/2020 22:56

@Thewarrenerswife are you the SIL?

Either way, you sound batshit bonkers

Dylaninthemovies1 · 17/02/2020 22:57

6-7 months isn’t a rush job.

EL8888 · 17/02/2020 23:06

@Thewarrenerswife sociopath 😂

Thewarrenerswife · 18/02/2020 00:16

@Dylaninthemovies1
6-7months is absolutely a rush job. I actually work in weddings, and we all roll our eyes at a time frame like that.

And I think batshitbonkers is someone who chooses the weekend before the one weekend that year her brother and parents are invited to another wedding... which has clearly been booked for some time. Yeah, that’s attention seeking, non empathising, destructive and impulsive... or more commonly known as Sociopathic tendencies. She’s trying to sabotage someone else’s weekend.... what other possible reason could she have for pissing her family off so royally? Oh yeah, she’s long in the tooth and wants a Summer wedding.... so that’s the ONLY feasible date. It’s absurd!

Lweji · 18/02/2020 03:54

6-7months is absolutely a rush job. I actually work in weddings, and we all roll our eyes at a time frame like that.

Why?

I get the feeling that it's mainly driven by people who work in weddings.
It can't be that hard to plan a party.

The main issue will be the dress and even so, it's driven by the backlog at dress makers, surely.

The rest of the post is just Hmm

MountainPeakGeek · 18/02/2020 04:11

Thewarrenerswife Are you for real? Grin You've got to be the SIL's sister if you're not just someone on a random windup.

OP, If your brother's wife doesn't attend your wedding with her husband because of a hen party then so what? And your brother sounds like a dick. He's more concerned about someone who is "like a brother to him" than someone who is actually a blood sibling? If you'd ignored their "blackout dates" and had clashed with a day they'd specifically said that they couldn't attend, that'd be an understandable cause of their strop, but you actually worked around their schedule!!

MountainPeakGeek · 18/02/2020 04:18

@nicgrev Just out of curiosity, what are their reasons for blacking out other weekends in September? Are any of those pre-existing engagements any less important? Could you suggest that if your chosen Friday doesn't work, then how about x and y dates (that they'd previously vetoed)...?

MountainPeakGeek · 18/02/2020 04:19

Sorry, "x or y date"

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 18/02/2020 04:35

Thewarrenerswife You work in weddings? Grin There's your attitude problem! 6-7 months isn't a rush job for people who just decide to get married, and simply do so, and the only person needed who "works in weddings" is the official performing the ceremony!

When we decided we wanted to get married we did so six months later - we only waited that long to let a family who was having one of those two years in the planning type weddings get hers done first. No special wedding workers were involved aside from the vicar...

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 18/02/2020 04:39

The "long in the tooth" comments are misogynistic and completely offensive Thewarrenerswife - I wonder if the couples you work for would spend money on your services if they knew how you eye rollingly mocked their ages and plans behind their back.

itsabitofamess · 18/02/2020 04:58

What do your parents think op (given they are invited to the wedding week). I'm on the fence with this. In the interests of family harmony I would try and find an alternative date I think. Sometimes it doesn't matter who is right or wrong - it's not always worth the upset.

ButtonandPickle19 · 18/02/2020 05:03

I’m sorry but your actual wedding trumps a prewedding weekend. Yanbu and you’re being ever so thoughtful not to have it on the Saturday. “I’m sorry, my sister is getting married that weekend now so we can’t join you for your party. We won’t miss the wedding though!” Should be what they tell sils sis!

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/02/2020 05:12

It isn’t their responsibility that you cannot get married between April and August. That is yours. If you’re so eager to get married, you either book it in March, talk to work about having one or two days off or book it in October.

You are actually the inflexible ones, not your brother and his wife. It is unkind and taking the shine off the wedding of another couple, who have been kind to invite you, to slot your wedding in 8 days before a wedding. Especially on a Friday, which will mean people will have to take time off work. Then they have to slope off to what is possibly stag / hen dos the next day.

On taking a step back, your posts seem to be manipulating us to get the result you want. Not working though, is it, judging by the poll?

Idk how you think you take second fiddle. On this instance at least, you are not. Not being able to have a wedding throughout the summer is on you, not them. Why are you making it all about them?

Fullyhuman · 18/02/2020 05:15

OP, yanbu, but:

I am also no spring chicken, 40 next year so don't want to wait until next year as no kids yet!

If you want children, don’t wait. Your wedding - and I hope you love it - will be one day, but lots of women don’t conceive easily at 38/39, with every month’s delay significant. Of course, lots do, no problem, and I hope you’re one of them.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 18/02/2020 05:21

I think the main problem with a September wedding on a Friday is that people’s annual leave is precious and by September most people won’t have much left. Plus as all the kids have just gone back to school, if anyone is required to travel far they will be reluctant to remove their children from school for a day or two when they’ve only just got settled back in.

Your sister in law is Daft about the limelight stealing thing but I can see why it would be exhausting for brother and SIL to have two family weddings a week apart. Weddings don’t just last a day now do they? They’ve taken on epic proportions that suck several days out of guests, one way or another.

I’d do it in October instead. It’s much quieter so you’ll get a Saturday and autumn is beautiful. You could even do it at the end which is half term so if anyone does need to travel far it will be more doable for them.

JustMarriedBecca · 18/02/2020 06:30

When I read the title I thought you said sister in law and was about to say you were being unreasonable. But her sister?
I have been with my husband for 16 years. I don't know who my sister in law's sister IS.