To pick a wedding date the weekend before my sister in-laws sister?

[nicgrev]

I got engaged on the 10th Jan this year :). We told everyone we were keen on a September wedding as this works best for both myself and my fiancees parents work schedules. My brother and sister in law gave us a raft of dates in September that would not work for them. This, combined with a few dates that we could not do due to prior engagements left us with no September weekends :(. Unless we went for a Friday...So we decided the 25th of September could work well. The 25th happens to be the Friday before one of the weekends my brother and sister in law said they could not do. That weekend they are gathering with my sister in laws sister as a sort of weekend before her wedding get together. Since telling them of this proposed date they have said that it will not work for them for 2 reasons. 1, They think it is rude to have our wedding 8 days before my sister in laws sisters wedding (something about stealing the limelight, but honestly it has nothing to do with that and my sister in law said that she knew this was not the intention) 2, They feel it will interfere with their weekend pre-wedding get together with my sister in laws sister as it is on the Friday prior to this. I would never take offence if someone booked their wedding in the week before mine and my fiancee feels the same but clearly my brother and sister in law do... so am I being unreasonable/rude?

Family count as guests too.

Sister in law's sister?? Nah, definitely not being unreasonable. She's a stranger to you.

There’s an over lap of guests, why does it matter if it’s family?

@ Sunflower20

They’re invited to each other’s weddings... clearly not strangers! Plus the brother the SIL is married to, is important to OP (or should be).

Jeez #bekind didn’t last long on Mumsnet.

@Thewarrenerswife my correction was to say that we only share guests who are family. We are not going to be 'stealing' any guests from them, family members will simply have to attend 2 weddings within 8 days of each other. You also seemed to misunderstand that the date was not the same date.

You’re expecting your Brother and his wife to celebrate your wedding into the night, when you know they have a wedding weekend event booked the next day.

There’s 52 weeks in the year, and you picked that one. 8 days from a wedding which is clearly a big deal to your Brothers family, and had been booked for a while. I think there’s a bit of limelight stealing for sure. I can’t think of any other reason you’d do this OP?

I think @Mummyshark2018 sums up the upheaval you want to place on your family well. Yes it’s your day, but is that weekend really so important, over all the others, that you want to have your Brother attend without his wife? That’s not very pleasant for your brother.

Your mistake was asking for dates that suit people. Generally people book a date and then let others know

Yes, this. It's your wedding - did they ask for dates that weren't convenient for you when planning theirs? Just choose a date that you want. They can then choose to re arrange or not come.

Not read other replies but.... I think where you went wrong was telling everyone a general idea of what month, before you set the actual date for certain.

That allows people to interfere and start dictating when’s best for them! In hindsight you should have picked a date that suits YOU both and then told people. Unless they have a family holiday booked etc...already then I’m not sure what’s more important than a close family members wedding.

Even regarding working hours of parents/in laws etc... I mean they’ve got plenty of notice so not sure why they can’t use holidays etc given their child is getting married 🤷‍♀️

You seem very thoughtful of others, but remember it’s YOUR day and you won’t be able to please everyone!! So start as gig mean to go on and do what’s best for you two.

For the record I think you SIL is being an absolute fanny trying to dictate what suits her!!

@Thewarrenerswife

There’s 52 weeks in the year, and you picked that one. 8 days from a wedding which is clearly a big deal to your Brothers family, and had been booked for a while. I think there’s a bit of limelight stealing for sure. I can’t think of any other reason you’d do this OP?

Not read any replies except the first OP but she couldn’t have any dates in September as everyone was saying they couldn’t do them so it only left her with that date. I don’t think she was doing it to take the limelight.... who would she take the limelight from? Some strangers?

It actually sounds you are all pretty close and that you are efffectively trying to insert your date ahead of SIL's sis and I think it is a bit inapprioriate to put your wedding the weekend before hers, espeically as hers was booked first. Is the event they are going to hen or stag dos?

@ Potkettlexx

You haven’t read any other responses, so you won’t realise that they’re not strangers, they’re families are invited to each other’s weddings.... including the OP.

Because of the date chosen, OP’s brother will have to attend his sisters wedding by himself, as his wife will be at her sisters pre wedding do the next day, for the weekend, and the event is two hours away. If that was my sister, I wouldn’t want to attend a full wedding the day before. Especially when it was booked with clear knowledge of encroachment. Other family will be then be expected to attend the two weddings back to back weekends.

It’s just so bizarre that anyone would pick their wedding day just 8 days before a wedding that they themselves, and other family members are invited to. It’s weird.

OP doesn’t have to get married in September.

Your brother can attend and and leave after to join his wife at her sisters pre wedding festivities🤷🏻‍♀️

@Thewarrenerswife

Ahh I see. Well yeah I that case it does seem a bit strange. Even if it was a couple of weekends either side of the other then it would give other guests a week to recoup etc.

She does not have to get married in September but it works for her and her soon to be in laws.

It is not like the other brides is getting married that weekend its a get together ..

@Thewarrenerswife

Most people get married in the summer. We wanted a summer wedding. Unfortunately both my work and my fiancees work means we cannot get married june-aug. I am also no spring chicken, 40 next year so don't want to wait until next year as no kids yet! We can of course do an autumn or winter wedding but for the sake of a pre wedding weekend that I think they can both still attend it seems a little precious on their part.

Regardless, thank you for your input. The whole point of this is to try and see their side of the argument. I am not arguing with you just trying to provide you with all the info! :)

I am just at have a massive weekend get together a whole weekend before you get married 🤷🏽‍♀️

I think you have a whole 365 days of the year to get married. Squeezing in the weekend before another family wedding seems a bit contrived. Especially as you know that there are commitment that weekend, unless you're planning a quiet do ending at 8?

I must admit, that if I was your brother, I'd be thinking 'Shit, how can I afford this'

I have two siblings and an in-law getting married this year (never mind this month) and we've had to start budgeting and cancelling all holiday plans for this year, in order to attend them
The idea of having to fork out for my sister's wedding and the in-laws wedding within 8 days of one another, would have me resigning myself and kids to a month of baked beans on toast

Sorry, but the cost of two weddings so close to one another would give me sleepless nights of worrying about the cost, so I can sort of get your brothers pov

I voted YANBU but there have been some good points made. No, your DB didn’t say they were busy on the Friday but if your reception goes on until the small hours of Saturday, that will impact their plans over that weekend.

And as you are friendly with SIL’s sister that does change things slightly. She has already booked her wedding and then you get engaged after her, then slot your wedding in a week before her’s. I would change the date.

So... the event that is the day AFTER your ceremony isn't even a wedding - just a get together. The second wedding is actually a week after ??
FFS... so, going by that sentiment, you could go anywhere near dates for her hen do, dress fittings, etc etc.
Just get married o the date you and your future husband have chosen.

OP,
I think lots of the replies that you are not being unreasonable are based on the assumption that your SIL's sister and her parents are strangers to you and that the only overlap would be your brother and SIL attending weddings a week apart. I think you asked the question in the way you did to get the answer that you want.

The information that they are not strangers to you, that you are invited to their wedding, they are invited to yours and that both your own parents and your SIL's parents and invited to both weddings also is vital. It is also a 2 hour journey to both weddings. with this information I think you are being unreasonable and should look at least 4 weeks before or 4 weeks after their wedding.

If I was going to a wedding 2 hours drive away and we were having a get together a week before the wedding I would book holiday accommodation and stay down there. Particularly for the parents who might be retired. I would not want to attend another wedding the day before (Fri) and travel to other gathering on Saturday. If I had to and the Saturday arrangements were made first/important to me I would be leaving the Friday wedding early.

@nicgrev

You got engaged in Jan, then you slot your wedding in the weekend before another family wedding, which has been booked and planned, and you and other family are invited to.

The relevance of the pre wedding do is far less than the fact you’ve tried to squish in the weekend before. Your age, your work, the season are no just excuses for the fact you’re trying muscle in on someone else’s big day.

You clearly have issues, and I don’t think you have any intention of seeing your brothers side. If you did, you would have given full info at the start, and if you had, I suspect the sway would have been different on the poll.

‘ I got engaged in January. My brothers wife is close to her sister, who is getting married in September. Myself and my husband have been invited to the wedding, along with other family members.
I also want to get married in September, so have picked the Friday of the weekend before their wedding. (8days apart). Also my brothers in law’s family are having a pre wedding bash the weekend before their wedding, which would be the weekend of my wedding. My wedding will be on the Friday, so I think they both could still attend their pre wedding bash on the Sat & Sun and my wedding, though venues are a quite a distance apart. My brother’s wife has said she won’t be able to come (to my wedding), because of the commitment to her sisters pre wedding bash. My brother is upset, but said he will attend my wedding without his wife if he has to. AIBU to continue with my wedding date?’

Wedding dates aren’t usually set by a committee. It should be the couple and their parents who set the date.
Everyone else receives invitations and responds.

@CherryPavlova

Do you not have siblings? Or do you have them and just not get on with them?

Sister in law’s sister? Bonkers. Crack on with your date.