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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick a wedding date the weekend before my sister in-laws sister?

211 replies

nicgrev · 17/02/2020 15:24

I got engaged on the 10th Jan this year :). We told everyone we were keen on a September wedding as this works best for both myself and my fiancees parents work schedules. My brother and sister in law gave us a raft of dates in September that would not work for them. This, combined with a few dates that we could not do due to prior engagements left us with no September weekends :(. Unless we went for a Friday...So we decided the 25th of September could work well. The 25th happens to be the Friday before one of the weekends my brother and sister in law said they could not do. That weekend they are gathering with my sister in laws sister as a sort of weekend before her wedding get together. Since telling them of this proposed date they have said that it will not work for them for 2 reasons. 1, They think it is rude to have our wedding 8 days before my sister in laws sisters wedding (something about stealing the limelight, but honestly it has nothing to do with that and my sister in law said that she knew this was not the intention) 2, They feel it will interfere with their weekend pre-wedding get together with my sister in laws sister as it is on the Friday prior to this. I would never take offence if someone booked their wedding in the week before mine and my fiancee feels the same but clearly my brother and sister in law do... so am I being unreasonable/rude?

OP posts:
TheyDoDoThat · 17/02/2020 17:36

Book whenever but you sil’s priority will be her own sister. So if she has something planned with her don’t get annoyed if she can’t go to your wedding.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/02/2020 17:36

Now that you’ve said you’re going to eachother’s weddings along with several others, yes, I can understand why your sil would be upset for her sister. I think you should choose another date even if that means someone else can’t come.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/02/2020 17:37

"My brother and sister in law gave us a raft of dates in September that would not work for them. This, combined with a few dates that we could not do due to prior engagements left us with no September weekends Sad."
So, given that your DB/SIL are griping about your Friday 25th plan - why make it a Friday at all? They're telling you they don't want to come on 25th, and there's your other guests to consider - how many of them will be inconvenienced by a Friday? Have to take annual leave that they wouldn't need if you married on a Saturday?

I'd go back and look at the weekends, and ignore which ones they said they couldn't do. Do any of them suit you? Then pick that one. You tried to be accommodating, they've continued to complain. Fine, 25th doesn't suit, you're reverting to the original plan of a Saturday in September.

They can't come? "Oh dear, what a pity. You said the 25th didn't suit you, and thinking further it wouldn't have suited others either, so we're just going to have it on a Saturday after all. Such a pity you have a previous engagement, but that's life, eh bro?"

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/02/2020 17:37

He says it would be awkward for him with his future BIL as he is 'like a brother to him'.

As opposed to you who is ACTUALLY his sister. They have given you a raft of dates they can't do. If you get married on Friday 25th, why can't they go to wherever they need to go on Saturday and Sunday?

PrinnyPree · 17/02/2020 17:41

I have no idea how this is anyway unreasonable, they told you the dates they couldn't do so you didn't pick those dates, now they are saying those dates are too close to the dates they told you.... urgh

If it was the week before my brothers wedding then I would say oh fair enough, but its a relation once removed.

I dunno what to say OP, you're not being unreasonable at all but if your sister in law is going to make that weekend a stressful pain in the arse I'd change it to avoid the drama and have an easy life. Just know you're in the right and I'm eyerolling on your behalf. X

Drum2018 · 17/02/2020 17:42

I'm baffled as to why you are invited to each other's weddings when you've only met a handful of times Confused

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 17/02/2020 17:43

I agree a Friday date will be a pain for your other guests. First Saturday in October?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/02/2020 17:43

Reading between the lines, sister-in-law just doesn't want you getting married before her sister AT ALL. So if you have a July or August wedding there will still be an issue with that.

You now know no matter what you do, someone will be unhappy. First lesson of any wedding (or anything!): You can't please everyone. So at least please yourselves.

mencken · 17/02/2020 17:45

any couple that talk about 'stealing the limelight' can be ignored as too dumb to bother with. Probably not the kind of guests you want anyway.

just be aware that Fridays will limit guests as people don't want to use up annual leave. Which may be fine with you of course!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/02/2020 17:45

First Saturday in October?

Is the same weekend as the sister-in-law's sister's wedding!

Why are you inviting someone to your wedding that you've only met 4-5 times?!

ZenNudist · 17/02/2020 17:50

Ask your brother do you want to come to my wedding? If yes then boook the 25th. If no book the 26th. Its a shame but if your wedding cant take priority to a pre wedding gathering thats a sad state of affairs.

Molly2017 · 17/02/2020 17:51

Personally I’d change the date. You don’t want her there with a face like a slapped arse and for her not to go will just cause ill feeling.

Thewarrenerswife · 17/02/2020 17:52

So there will be guests who can’t come, because they’re invited to both? and you are actual invited to the wedding you are encroaching on. Wow!

I think you’re being entirely unreasonable tbh, and yes it does seem like of all the dates in the year, you’ve picked one right slap bang up the arse of someone who clearly is close to your brother. I’m hazarding that you are the one who’s a little jealous, and this looks a lot like a power trip.

It’s clear your brother is close with his wife’s family. You doing this won’t change that, it just highlights your insecurities.

dwum · 17/02/2020 17:53

I think they are being utterly ridiculous, and it's absolutely your choice
BUT, it's very obviously important to them and nothing is booked, in an attempt to keep the peace, I would consider any other dates.

If there are absolutely no other dates that suit, explain this to them calmly, shoot down the ridiculous limelight stealing comment, and enjoy your planning.

(We changed our wedding date to a Monday over Christmas to suit my MIL who refused to attend our original date as it was the same date that her grandmother died! FFS!)

Mummyshark2018 · 17/02/2020 17:53

Have read your update op about the overlap in guests. whilst I don't think you're being unreasonable (it's your day, you get to chose etc) as a guest invited (and sort of obliged) to attend both weddings, one weekend apart, with yours on a Friday, then some guests heading 2 hours to be at a pre arranged pre-wedding thing, then same guests travelling and attending a wedding the next weekend- I'd be wedding'd out tbh!

So from the other brides perspective I'd be thinking that as your wedding is first you will be getting the more 'excited' guests whereas they'll prob be fed up by the time it gets to hers. I take it she booked hers first and you were invited? she might be your SIL's sister but you obviously know each other well enough to invite each other to the others wedding. That's not a typical relationship you would have with your SIL's sister imo so I can understand why there might be annoyance.

bubblesforlife · 17/02/2020 17:54

Also on this comment “steal the limelight”. You get ONE day - ONE! On that day, everyone cares about you and your groom. After that day passes, no one cares. It’s not personal, that’s just life.
There is nothing magical about the lead up to a wedding, I say that after mine 4 months ago. I got one day! It was more than enough for me. Keep it in perspective. They don’t call it wedding month on the wedding greetings cards.
Again, the relationships are too far out in this situation. If it were closer I would say select another weekend, but not here.

IndecentFeminist · 17/02/2020 17:59

Yes, it's a bit of a faff having it that close when they have prior arrangements the next day. And if you are guests at each others' weddings they are quite close. So they're not unreasonable to think it is a pain. But equally, you wouldn't be unreasonable to go ahead and book when is suitable for you.

justasking111 · 17/02/2020 17:59

The only thing that would be a bit irksome is if the same guests are invited to both weddings and all the costs that might entail in the same month. But of course they could always turn one of them down.

IndecentFeminist · 17/02/2020 18:00

Your mention of compromising, "as always" kind of indicates more of a backstory

IndecentFeminist · 17/02/2020 18:01

What about the weekend after? Or a Friday earlier in the month? So not two weekends in a row.

MoaningMinniee · 17/02/2020 18:03

Although I did vote yanbu, to me a Friday from five pm is part of the weekend, even if whatever I am doing actually doesn't happen until the Saturday, I still need Friday pm for sorting myself out ready, and doing any household or business admin that I'd normally do over the weekend. So I can sort of understand the grump from your brother and his wife.

Original poster
nicgrev · 17/02/2020 18:04

@Thewarrenerswife: 'So there will be guests who can’t come, because they’re invited to both? and you are actual invited to the wedding you are encroaching on. Wow!'

This is not the case. The date I have chosen is 8 days prior to SIL's sisters wedding. Plus the date is a Friday which they did not say was a date they were busy on. They are busy the Sat Sun after the Friday...

OP posts:
Nogoodusername · 17/02/2020 18:05

I think your brother is being really bizarre - it’s not even the day before his wife’s sister’s wedding, it’s the day before a weekend gathering that his wife’s sister is having the WEEK before her wedding. So she has booked up two weekends to celebrate her wedding?! Odd

Original poster
nicgrev · 17/02/2020 18:08

Correction: There is no overlap of guests who are not family.

OP posts:
Isithometimeyet0987 · 17/02/2020 18:09

Yanbu the only person I checked dates with was my uncle as he’s in the army and I wanted him at my wedding. I had mine on a Saturday and we just sent out invitations, if someone couldn’t make that date then they sent a rsvp saying they couldn’t make it simple.