Son says I've ruined Valentine's Day!

[DollyDaydream70]

Hi all
I was supposed to visit my partner who lives a 3 hour train journey away this weekend, but I've been unwell and called him this morning to say that I won't be going. I then went to tell my 20 yr old Son (who lives with me) that I'm staying home this weekend and he's gone mad!!
He says I've ruined Valentine's Day for him and his girlfriend, that they wanted the flat to themselves and that I'm selfish and I'm staying home 'just to annoy him!'. He also stated that he pays towards the rent and should have a say over the situation! I said I think if that's how he feels, maybe he should start looking for his own place, as I won't be bullied out of my own home, especially when I'm feeling so unwell.
I told him that for MANY Valentine's Days I've not been able to have a romantic one because I've had 2 children at home, and that he's being silly and selfish. I said if it means that much to him that he should book a hotel for the night. Am I being unreasonable?

I am reminded as ever on these threads that we only have one side of the story. For all we know, the OP could be a raging narcissist who has form for butting in on her son's romantic arrangements, and the "You did it on purpose" comment could be justified.

Either way, I think people are overreacting to a throwaway comment in the heat of frustration. Getting a place, any place to yourself for an entire weekend when you are 20 is so precious and I know I'd have been absolutely gutted in the same circumstances.

Also, I don't know what the nature of the illness was, but I'd have to be practically at death's door or seriously immobilised to miss out on a romantic weekend with a partner.

Having to live with others (parents or housemates) for whatever reason is not an excuse to be rude. If anything it's all the more reason to act reasonably

Yes but realistically, people do get tired, grumpy, frustrated, and lash out at one another, often those closest to them when you are in each others' pockets. A good deal of reasonableness and tongue-biting is required, but also a realistic expectation that people will also say and do the wrong thing from time to time.

I’m sorry you’re ill but I have to say I feel hugely sympathetic towards your son. He’s probably been planning this for a long time and must be so disappointed.

He snapped and was rude, and that was wrong, but I can see why he was disappointed, and the OPs attitude doesn't help.

If I inadvertently screw up someone else's plans, I apologise. Its the right thing to do.,whereas the OP seems to genuinely not care about this and is rather confrontational.

Its not about apologising for being ill, but for the change of plans. I also wonder whether the OPs attitude here is a sign of her general attitude towards her son living with her.

It seems he got his shitty attitude from her, based on her updates.

Ps: I never want my adult children to feel like secondary citizens in their own home. Yes, the OP gets the final say in things because it's in her name etc, but when living together as adults, living as equals as much as possible seems the right approach to me.

And going down the 'i pay for most of it, my word is final' would be abusive in other contexts, ie cohabitation within a romantic relationship, so be feet wary of going down that route. it's not pretty and it's pretty low, especially if he can't afford to move out.

I was coming on to say YANBU and your son is acting entitled.
Then you said 'It's because of people like you that today's youngsters are self entitled snowflakes.'
YABU for that comment. I'm in my 20's and wouldn't expect that from my mother but you on the other hand have easier a self entitled 'snow flake' that's on you pal.

Raised* not easier

@carriecakes80 your son sounds lovely and sounds like you have a great relationship!

He says (..) that I'm selfish and I'm staying home 'just to annoy him!

I understand the disappointment but the flip into anger and blame should be a step to far for me.

I'd have been upset too. I'd have pointed out that mush as I love him ( being his mother and all) not everything is about him. I am I'll, I am sorry his plans have been impacted by my illness but so have mine so I'd like a bit of sympathy, just as I am sympathetic to his situation. Depending on how I felt I might have offered some money towards a hotel room ( not least because if I was ill I'd probably not want to deal with him and his girlfriend around on that situation)

I don't think is have told him to move out though

Hope you feel better soon op

I am reminded as ever on these threads that we only have one side of the story

Well that's the nature of Mumsnet, not a lot we can do about it

I'd have been absolutely gutted in the same circumstances

Well wouldn't we all, but I hope would not have lashed out in such a nasty way. I've been there with both housemates and parents change of plans and we just had to suck it up.

Also, I don't know what the nature of the illness was, but I'd have to be practically at death's door or seriously immobilised to miss out on a romantic weekend with a partner

Well she has been ill all week. She would have rather been on a romantic weekend than at home. It would be a tad odd if you think she may have been "skiving" to stay at home!

@Juliette20 and the one being lashed out at will realistically be annoyed about it.

What I was getting at was that you tend to get a section of criticism on posts like these towards the parents when they react to negative behaviour of their adult live in children. And it seems to be because they are stuck there (usually for financial reasons) so you must cut them an enormous amount of slack. But the parent/s are stuck too. There is usually a dichotomy along the lines of, as they are adults now parents have no right to criticise or impede their behaviour in any way but likewise parents mustn't treat them in an adult way and pull them up for negative or unpleasant behaviour (as you would for any other adult) and so end up treating them like children. That's probably not very clear. Basically, if your home is on the good grace of someone else, perhaps it would be a good idea to be mindful of that. And I would not accept awful behaviour either from a housemate or from an adult child.

The OP's son initial behaviour was appalling and I am glad he apologised.

I was not one of the "kick him out" brigade. In reality that would be ridiculous. And I really do not like "snowflake" comments

I actually completely get how he feels, he’s disappointed and tbh his Valentine’s plans probably WERE ruined but he still shouldn’t speak to you like that. He is an adult and it sounds like he needs more space than you can give so him moving out wouldn’t be the worst idea!

When I was in this situation I found it hard and quite miserable in that I was treated unfairly.

Whilst I more than paid my way in terms of rent, and did things around the house for an aging parent, I had no rights

Whilst mum invited whomever she liked the the home: and I had relatives and their bloody kids walking in my bedroom in the morning and jumping on my bed and telling me to get up and come and play...and I was expected to entertain guests my mum invited.

I was not allowed to bring anyone home: friends or anyone else or else I got the YOU WILL NOT DO THIS IN MY HOME

So whilst happy to take my money and lots of it, my position was very much that of a child in her house with no rights.

Fuck that I left.

Then had listen to her whine about loneliness

I mean how would any one of you feel to pay rent for your home and be told you have no rights in it.

As for no privacy...you parents still see your comings and goings, fucking texting you to see when you're home.

Just lock the door and don't put the chain on I used to say.

They would wait up for me and then chastise me. Like having a pair of jailers

That sounds pretty sad @MyuMe and glad you got out, but a completely different scenario to the one the OP's discussing

Not really she still wants her sons money but doesn't care he cant behave normally in the home she pays for because it is hers.

I house share with my DS who is 26, occasionally he will arrange something eg night in with friends beer and pizza if he knows I’m away at DPs
If my plans change I just camp out in my bedroom for the evening and leave them to it
Why didn’t you do that especially if unwell

Fuck that I left
Well done for escaping that toxic situation MyuMe!

Voted YANBU because OPs son did react like a nob and had no right to do that. He could pay for a hotel if he felt that strongly or just say nothing and feel sorry for his sick mum.

Just to say though, reading the comments through the thread, especially OP's comment about today's generation being a generation of "snowflakes" (very original, yawn), has diminished my sympathy a tad. Because, you know, teenagers throughout history have always been just swell, never acted like brats and adults have always been so positive about them . Honestly, it's boring. Also take note of the post from @DrivingMsCrazy.

Not necessarily your fault OP, this has just become a common insult that people throw out to young people and it's really a bit dull to see it over and over again. Maybe just roll your eyes and realise he's being a numpty because he's a young adult, not a young adult nowadays specifically?

Hope you feel better soon

@@DollyDaydream70

UANBU

I'm glad he apologised to you. I can understand his disappointment but like you said, he didn't have a right to tell you off.

Like you, I wasn't allowed to have boys in my room and certainly no sleepovers. I still don't think that is a bad way to think. I didn't suffer because of those rules lol. Steamy windows in parked cars

And it isn't a flatshare. He is paying some rent but a flatshare would share everything equally including the electric, water, gas, and cleaning of the house.

I don't understand those saying a 20 year can't afford to move out. Plenty of people on here make min wage manage to not live with their parents; either in a place of their own or a share.

If might be a good idea for him to get a share with his gf or a couple of friends. When I first had my own little place, I felt so proud and grown up! I was 18. I believe I really did grow up a lot then.

Not really she still wants her sons money but doesn't care he cant behave normally in the home she pays for because it is hers.

What absolute bullshit.
OPs son was free to conduct his evening as he chose. He wanted the home to himself without his mother there. Plans changed. She was in her house. And he didn't like that. Tough shit. You live with other people you accept that you may never have the place to yourself.
If he wants to guarantee complete and promised privacy he can piss off and find his own house

@MyuMe

Nothing in your post relates to the OP's posts that I can see.

"she still wants her sons money"

It is rare for parents to make a profit when their adult kids pay something for their keep
he is not paying a market rent, or he would have moved out by now

What was ridiculous & entitled was his claim that because he pays rent he should have a say in whether she stays home when ill 🤦🏻‍♀️

Even in the unlikely event that this is really like a houseshare

• in which all household bills are shared equally, noone subsidised - any housemate has the right to stay home, whether ill or just because they changed their mind

As for the couple of daft posts about this being like an abusive relationship ...

It would be very abusive and controlling for one person to demand their partner leaves their home for the evening & night when ill.

She isn't overcharging, she says he pays a nominal rent. She doesn't mention him having to do anything around the house (which actually he really should and I hope he is), nothing about lack of privacy, entertaining guests, not allowing son's guests, whining or texting. She seems to give him a lot of space. Op was upset at his overreaction (which was pretty appalling) and was probably also a bit miffed at his lack of sympathy, but he obviously realised what he had done and has said sorry.

I had to live with my parents for a year in my early 20's so I do have some idea of what it is like. Me and my longterm boyfriend (now dh) weren't allowed to sleep in the same room. Different times! We just accepted it and it was no big deal. I was always very respectful that it was their home and, actually, they were doing me a good turn.

ou did ruin his Valentine's Day. I don't know why you're pretending you didn't... now both him and his gf are going to have a rubbish Valentine's because you're ill
What bull!
Op didnt get ill on purpose to ruin plans she didn't even know existed!
Her son and gf can make other plans to do things over the weekend its not difficult.

5-Feb-20 09:19:12
Not really she still wants her sons money but doesn't care he cant behave normally in the home she pays for because it is hers.

More bullshit. He pays dig money not half the household expenses. Bet it covers a fraction of the actual running costs. He doesnt get to talk to her like that in her own home.
Your situation has nothing to do with ops. Actually her son sounds more mature than you do he realised he had been.a dick and apologised.

Op glad your son apologised. He lashed out and now realises he was wrong, good for him. Its a more mature act than many on MN seem able to do.