Son says I've ruined Valentine's Day!

[DollyDaydream70]

Hi all
I was supposed to visit my partner who lives a 3 hour train journey away this weekend, but I've been unwell and called him this morning to say that I won't be going. I then went to tell my 20 yr old Son (who lives with me) that I'm staying home this weekend and he's gone mad!!
He says I've ruined Valentine's Day for him and his girlfriend, that they wanted the flat to themselves and that I'm selfish and I'm staying home 'just to annoy him!'. He also stated that he pays towards the rent and should have a say over the situation! I said I think if that's how he feels, maybe he should start looking for his own place, as I won't be bullied out of my own home, especially when I'm feeling so unwell.
I told him that for MANY Valentine's Days I've not been able to have a romantic one because I've had 2 children at home, and that he's being silly and selfish. I said if it means that much to him that he should book a hotel for the night. Am I being unreasonable?

FFS! OP is unwell and had to give up her own weekend with her dp yet it's her fault for not giving a grovelling apology to.her son in her own house for not dragging herself off to.a hotel to let him shag his gf!!!
He can book a hotel if he wants to. Its ops house he pays dig money which no doubt covers sod all in real.terms.
Why on earth would anyone jump to the conclusions that this is "a series of frustrations for him" err wtf?
If he wants the place to himself maybe he should rent somewhere else?
Its ops house why the hell is she at fault? Between ds and his gf they could go elsewhere.

Christ on a bike its not a flat share they arent teens at uni living in one house he lives in the family home its not his to claim dibs on!

Maybe some compassion for his mum who has been ill all week.and is exhausted wouldnt go amiss?

Many of us have explained why this might not be an option for him. Do you think that it's ok for a higher earner to use this as a reason for them to not compromise? Not saying that the OP isn't like this, I was asking her to find out.

I was unable to move out until I was in mid 20's because I was a low earner and so was the rest of my family and we split all the bills between us almost like a house share but with family.

So I fully understand he may not be able to move out BUT I would have never had a go at a family member for something out of their control telling them that they had messed up my plans by being in the house and making that person feel crappier than they already did. If I had my mum would have shown me where the door was and rightly so.

The OP had been ill for a while so it doesn't take much sense to think they may be unable to travel for 3 hours on public transport in the cold. I'm still recovering from an awful virus I picked up in December and still as weak as a sleepy kitten so unless her son has all the awareness of an unwashed sock then he had a whole week to consider the possibility of his mum still being ill and needing to stay at home and make a back up plan accordingly.

Also did he even ask her if she would be well enough to travel and show some concern for the OP being ill or was he just thinking of himself?

A night out doesn't need to cost a fortune, hell I had some lovely valentines and romantic evenings with my cash strapped DP back in the day. Cheap restaurant (even a KFC or maccy D sometimes), bad red wine and a evening in an arcade/ wander round all wrapped up before home to my room in a house full of other people to enjoy the rest of the evening/ weekend.

If he hadn't blown up at the OP like he did and had asked he if he could have access to the kitchen/ living room for the evening I can imagine most people including the OP saying "not a problem" and hiding in their own bedroom.

But because he blew up on the OP like he did then maybe [because she is ill] all her compassion for him and his situation decided to pack a bag and leave for the night.

What should Op say sorry for?

Could be that her son's GF can still come over for a meal/takeaway & stay over if that is what was planned.

Just that Op will be there.

Ahh OP he is only pissed because he got cockblocked. And it was a planned evening. That's all. He will get over it.

And for all those posters saying he is 20 and should be moved out by now.
I moved out at 23. Because I saved and got a mortgage
Maybe I should have moved out at 20 (because he should have been gone by now) and pissed my money down the drain on rent.

No-one said you were out of order for being ill. It must be exhausting to deliberately misread everything so you can call people trolls. Hopefully your illness is making you extra grumpy. Otherwise, your DS may be better moving out. You don't lose anything by admitting everyone is having a rubbish Valentine's because you're ill.

I was gradually sicker through the week at work a couple of months ago. I still apologised when I rang in on the Thursday to call in sick. Because it had an impact on the team, and because I wanted to acknowledge that

err thats work! EVERYONE says sorry for being ill when they can't go to work.

You don't have to say sorry for being ill in the place where you live all the time unless you have infected everyone else.

Also as the OP had no idea what plans her son had until she told him today what was she meant to do? Go out ill? Why didn't have ask her whilst she was off sick about it?? Oh wait, he shouldn't have to. The OP should have been a mind reader and given her son daily sickness reports whilst saying sorry for being ill. FFS.

Ahh OP he is only pissed because he got cockblocked

I do like that comment, and it is almost certainly spot on.

You are not being at all unreasonable. He is acting like a twat because you have thwarted his carefully laid plans.

You were right to call him out on it.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

@UglyMisters 97% of 1455 voters disagree with you. I think I'll go with the (massive) majority of opinions on this occasion 😘
P.S. anything you 'pick up' on, is just you making assumptions.

I'd just like to say a massive Thank You to everyone who posted supportive comments here. My Son has woken up for work, apologised for being nasty and when I told him that I'll stay in my bedroom tomorrow he said not to be silly and that he was in a bad mood earlier because he was tired.. To those that have posted that I should treat my Son as my equal in my home, sorry, no. I am the parent, this is my home, my name on the tenancy agreement, my name on all the bills, Son pays nominal keep and can move out whenever he likes if he doesn't like my (not very strict) rules. I will not apologise for thwarting plans that I knew nothing about, because I'm ill and don't feel fit enough to travel. If these 20-somethings can't afford to live independently of their parents, then surely they should be grateful that said parents are willing to keep a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs? And if that means abiding by a few rules and not speaking to said parent like they're a piece of shit then so be it.

@UglyMisters I've really got under your skin haven't I? Something touching a raw nerve here? Just something I've 'picked up' on 😘

I understand why the son was upset but taking it out on OP is unjustified, if he feels that territorial then he should get his own houseshare, I'm sure he'll learn to manage his anger when amoungst his peers

I think I sort of agree with Uglymisters. I won’t comment on your relationship with your son in particular but I do agree that the prevailing attitude on this thread from the contributing posters, towards your son’s scuppered plans, is kind of shitty. Like fuck him. Fuck him and his plans. Time for him to move out.
Easy for them to say. Their kids are wonderful.

I’m a little taken aback at your own posts as well. You’re coming across as confrontational with your references to ‘snowflakes’ and taking umbrage at anyone who isn’t kissing your arse.
Your son lives with you, like it or not it’s his house too and frankly, a little acknowledgement of the fucked up weekend wouldn’t have gone amiss.

I don’t disagree with you in principle but I come from a different angle to you and other posters on this thread. Might isn’t always right.

For those saying flatshares and work are different....why?
They are places where you need to treat people with respect to get along nicely. Why do you think a family home is so different

So when you lived at home did all the family go around to every one saying "sorry for being ill at home"? Or phone them up and say "sorry I am being ill at home"?

You say sorry when you phone into work or have to phone to cancel plans with someone if you are ill because of that commitment to the team or person that can no longer meet due to you being ill.

The OP had no idea what her son was planning so why should she start off with having to say sorry if she had been off work all week ill and her son knew she was ill?

From my memory of house sharing no one expected us to say sorry for being ill unless someone is holding your head whilst you are sick or help you to the loo. (Unless things have gotten really weird over the last 20 years since I last house shared...) Yes people did say sorry if someone was planning a night out and wanted them to come along but that was normally like.. the 1st day they gotten sick. I never expected them to keep saying sorry all the time whilst they were poorly.

I do however remember if someone got ill then we would all look after that person; making sure they had enough bog roll to blow their noses on, making tea, soup and lemsip and bringing home their fav snacks on the way home from work. And I house shared with males and females and we all pitched in if someone was ill to make sure they were ok (and none of us knew each other starting out)

No one ever blew up because someone who had been ill for a week decided to stay home in their room instead of going out and maybe had to wander off to the loo/ kitchen in their jim jams when the rest of us had company. If we had our boyfriends or girlfriends round then we would stay in own rooms like I did at home and venture out for the loo/ make food like everyone else.

Did you actually read my post? I'm unwell. I have been off work for a week with a virus. It has left me feeling exhausted and still unwell... Yes, I did have to cancel.. If I didn't have to cancel I wouldn't have written this post.
I did but it didn't mention the being Ill all week and in I'm honest I couldn't be bothered to read all the posts .
I gave a opinion and asked a question if you don't like it don't start a post on mumsnet.
I'm not rude or horrible but you don't like it if someone disagrees with you .
You later on mention being ill all week and you also later on mention that it was news to you regarding your sons plans . Perhaps maybe give all the information in your op so people can comment correctly we are not mind readers .

Yes, stop @ to everyone who disagrees with you. I voted yanbu, but you are being unreasonable picking on everyone who disagrees.

You are not being unreasonable OP, and it's good to read your son apologised. I've been there, looking so forward to something and my parents scuppered my plans. I think we all have. I remember feeling so frustrated. But you are unwell. I might agree with UglyMister if it weren't for the fact you've been off work sick for a week, so surely it would have occurred to your son. I mean surely he must have had an 'oh o!' moment when it dawned on him that you might still be crook tonight/over the weekend? He might have thought 'shit, what do I do if mum is home this weekend?' He sounds a bit silly and naive for not planning for this contingency, I would have had a plan B. But, at least he apologised.

Get well.

What a fucking twat.
I'd up his rent.
Upon review you don't feel he contributes enough for you having to put up with him.