When is emotional abuse “enough” to take it further?

[Changedname81]

Not really an AIBU but I’d love people’s experiences.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pg from a fwb situation which was going on for about 6 months. I was on mini pill so was not expecting it.

Since I told the father he’s taken it really badly and every day I am faced with either a barrage of text messages or simply the silent treatments.

So far:

Wanted my prescription for mini pill and wanted to call the dr to make sure I’d been taking it as I said I had

Has told me how the baby is being brought up such as:

He won’t have a dummy
You’ll be breastfeeding
He will have his surname
I’m not to be posting pics on social media
His parents will see the baby before mine do
He wants his mum at the birth

Wants me to pay for a paternity test
Has told me that his mum will be moving in with me for three months after baby born to “teach me”
Has told me that baby will be going abroad to his country for holidays without him

As I suffer from anxiety anyway and have had to reduce this since being pregnant, I am finding this really hard and don’t know if he’s being abusive or if I’m being over sensitive.

I wanted to be so excited about this pregnancy but at the moment I’m a wreck.

Sorry I spose I prob just want a hand hold

I don’t think you need to “take it further” I would just cut contact, tbh I wouldn’t be going ahead with the pregnancy but obviously that’s your decision

He is massively out of order
Tell him you're not even going to put him on the birth certificate if he doesn't stop being a knob. Block him on your phone for a while so he can't keep harassing you. Don't even think of giving the baby his surname.

Definitely emotional abuse

Get away from him.

Hi pumpkin it’s made me think twice if I’m honest. I have a dating scan this afternoon and I’ll discuss things with specialist then.

Thanks shox- it’s difficult because I’ve read that even when you don’t add them to the bc they can get a court order to get added

Cut contact. He’s being over baring and the stress won’t do you any good and to be honest he doesn’t really need to be involved until baby is born anyway. Can’t really “take it further” though.

Do you definitely want to keep this baby? You need to think things over carefully.

My husband went full on insane for my first pregnancy, even though it was planned! He calmed down a bit later on, but actually becoming a father really changed him. It's a big deal, I suppose. But given that you're not in a relationship with this guy, I agree with PPs, just distance yourself. He doesn't get to pick who is at the birth!

I Think the things you’ve listed are just different opinions, which is what happens when you have a baby with someone unplanned anyway. You will have different opinions on how the child will be raised. My ex said I wasn't allowed to breastfeed, I ignored him. So just ignore him, you don’t have to do any of the stuff he is saying. But like I said I would personally cut all contact.

I know it's a very personal decision but there's no way in hell I'd be having this mans baby.

Stop all contact. He is nothing short of a lunatic.

Dont move in. Dont use his name.

Your pregnancy. Your body.

He could get a court order later. But you dont need to worry about that at the moment.

I do want to keep the baby.

But I don’t want 18 years of this and at this present moment I don’t think he will calm down. I thought it was an initial reaction, but it’s been over 2 weeks.

If he told me he was leaving to go back home and wanted no contact I’d be the happiest.

I have no idea why you are in contact with this dickhead. Just block him and if he physically comes knocking get an order as he is harassing.

Also, no idea what the discussion with the obstetrician is in this regard? While I would think the guy is a dickhead and you you would be well rid, it’s not a diagnosis I could give!

Oh honey, you really, really, really do not want yourself linked to this pathetic bully of a man for the rest of your life.

He sounds absolutely dreadful and I can't bear to think of how this will affect you and a potential child.

Personally I would terminate the pregnancy but I realise that's not for everyone. If I couldn't terminate i would move as far away as possible. Again, that might not be an option.

One guarantee though, if you have a child with this sperm donor your life will change drastically, and not for the better.

Please proceed with extreme caution. There are enough red flags to make a mile of bunting. I'm old enough to recognise a wrong un when I see one.

Best of luck 81.

Where is "home"?

Africa

Blimey, he sounds a treat. No sign of this sort of behaviour when you were shagging him for 6 months?

Conversation with the obstetrician about terminating sorry I wasn’t clear

Wowzer. Yeah, just block him and let him know when the baby is born. He sounds like an absolute delight.

No he’s done a complete 360. I know he’s always liked things his way but I just laughed it off and ignored him ... it’s like this has bought out a really shitty side of him

Fuck. That. Shit.

It's obviously 100% your decision whether to continue or not but personally I definitely wouldn't want to bring a child into this dynamic for their sake as well as yours.

But I understand it's an incredibly hard decision if you're conflicted.

Either way good luck to you

And please don't give the baby his name.

Thanks for all your help so far I am reading all the messages and taking them on board.

My dating scan is later and I think I’ll find things a bit clearer. I bled all weekend and I’m half expecting him to tell me that there is no longer a baby.

But I’m going to seriously consider a termination because although I want this baby desperately what kind of life will he be bought into if this is how his dad is acting?

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Maya Angelou

Whether or not you continue with the pregnancy don’t accede to his requests, he sounds extremely controlling.

sever contact.

Do not put his name on the bc
Is he the father (I know you know he isbut...)
Sever contact
Do not allow baby / child out of teh country
do not allow access
Bring baby up in YOUR culture.

You've already said you want to keep the baby and that's absolutely fine. I know a lot are saying they'd terminate but you're not them and vice versa. It's your body your mind your choice. It's always an option of course but it's up to you entirely.
Has he said these abusive and demanding things via text? I would keep them and block him. If he manages to contact you again then keep a log of what he says and when because if you need to report him for harassment then you'll be able to back it all up.
My ex left me when I accidentally fell on and threatened all sorts. I dropped contact and a few months later he apologised for his reaction and asked to be involved but understood if I didn't want him to. He knew he'd said some pretty unforgivable things which he did address. I did allow him and now they have a very close relationship. This may or may not happen but is a possibility.
Congratulations on the pregnancy regardless of the current situation.