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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When is emotional abuse “enough” to take it further?

188 replies

Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 10:41

Not really an AIBU but I’d love people’s experiences.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pg from a fwb situation which was going on for about 6 months. I was on mini pill so was not expecting it.

Since I told the father he’s taken it really badly and every day I am faced with either a barrage of text messages or simply the silent treatments.

So far:

Wanted my prescription for mini pill and wanted to call the dr to make sure I’d been taking it as I said I had

Has told me how the baby is being brought up such as:

He won’t have a dummy
You’ll be breastfeeding
He will have his surname
I’m not to be posting pics on social media
His parents will see the baby before mine do
He wants his mum at the birth

Wants me to pay for a paternity test
Has told me that his mum will be moving in with me for three months after baby born to “teach me”
Has told me that baby will be going abroad to his country for holidays without him

As I suffer from anxiety anyway and have had to reduce this since being pregnant, I am finding this really hard and don’t know if he’s being abusive or if I’m being over sensitive.

I wanted to be so excited about this pregnancy but at the moment I’m a wreck.

Sorry I spose I prob just want a hand hold

OP posts:
Cocknose · 13/02/2020 14:11

All the best op. Hope scan goes well Flowers

Justanothernameonthepage · 13/02/2020 14:12

I wish I could give you a hug. If you decide to keep the baby:
You're not married so keep it traditional, give the baby your name. (Will also help in case he tries to take the baby out the country without permission).
He can't dictate who is with you during birth l, and you don't need to tell him when you're in labour (I would recommend fudging the due date by a couple of weeks). I'd also plan to stay somewhere else post birth for recovery (ideally somewhere where you have help). He can decide how to raise the baby when he has him. (Plan for 50/50 once baby is 18 months plus - if he goes to court, it shows you're reasonable). He has no say how you decide to raise the baby, but you also have no say in how he does it during his time.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/02/2020 14:14

Yeah I have to say I’d be either

Having a termination
Faking a miscarriage
Running for the hills

I would really think very very hard if this is
Going to generate a world of pain

SlippersAndThePaper · 13/02/2020 14:21

Don’t tell him your scan dates, don’t tell him any information at all. Block him on everything.

allthedamnvampires · 13/02/2020 14:31

Last time I suggested an OP fake a miscarriage I got called all sorts of names ('worse than disgusting!') and my post deleted! It is a good option in some circumstances, and this could be one of those.

Daftodil · 13/02/2020 14:36

Faking a miscarriage isn't really an option for the OP as she works with this guy and he lives very nearby.

oldfashionedtastingtea · 13/02/2020 14:42

Tell him the dating scan indicates that someone else is the dad? I'd look for a new job and place to live tbh, change phone and email too and just dissapear. Jobs aren't as important as a wanted baby. This guy is crazy, you need to sever all ties.

LemonBreeland · 13/02/2020 14:42

Oh OP, I know you are worried about your age, but it would be madness to tie yourself to this man long term, and that is what you will be doing if you continue with the pregnancy.

If I was you I would be having a termination without a doubt. I really feel for you as you are in a horrible situation.

purpleboy · 13/02/2020 14:45

What a shit situation.
You really have to think carefully about your decision, I can understand given you age you are reluctant to terminate, but I think you need to give serious consideration to this man and what the further holds for you and your unborn child.
You are in a situation where you are stuck, small island not much chance of moving unless you leave behind your family, job change wont make much difference as he knows where you live. No way of pretending there is no baby and this will very easily be revealed on a small island.
So realistically, is he likely to be a danger to your child? Could he attempt to take your child out of the country?
Please remember judges seem to favour the fathers rights, he will get access to the child, it's very likely he will be granted rights to take the child out of the country. There is nothing you can do about that, do you trust him to return your child?

I personally could not put myself or child through that, but I'm also not in your position so I can absolutely appreciate why you wouldn't want to terminate.
Is having a child with this man worth all the potential years of abuse and uncertainty?

I really feel for you and I hope you can find you way through this situation. Thanks

pallisers · 13/02/2020 14:48

Good luck OP. I would cut contact for now but if you go ahead with the pregnancy, he can be involved with your baby if he wants to.

tbh I would not have a baby with this man - 18 plus years of misery. I would terminate.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/02/2020 14:49

I have to say whilst I don’t usually advocate lying and cheating , these are major red flags and this man is to be very wary of

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 13/02/2020 14:55

Hope the scan goes well. I wouldn’t terminate a wanted baby in my late thirties. I’m assuming you don’t have other children?

I would put really firm boundaries in place if necessary notifying my workplace that he was harassing me and please keep us apart.

I would avoid him and avoid all contact. He may not fight this or he might go to court, but at least then you are protected during pregnancy and birth as he won’t have parental responsibility.

HollowTalk · 13/02/2020 14:55

That's why I wouldn't bring a child into this. Imagine telling the child what his father was like and that you had to lie to him about the birth and that you never wanted the two of them to meet.

Porcupineinwaiting · 13/02/2020 14:57

I wouldn't terminate a wanted baby

I wouldnt want to hand a beloved child over to an abuser every week for years.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/02/2020 14:58

I wouldn't terminate a wanted baby

No . But this could potentially
Means years of misery for the OP and her child . It’s worth thinking very very carefully and getting some legal advice
From a woman right a friendly Soliciter

Honeybee85 · 13/02/2020 15:03

Proceed with caution OP.
He sounds completely unhinged.

Whatever you decide, terminate the pregnancy or keep it, 1 thing is for sure: delete this dickhead from your life. Don’t put him on the birth certificate, completely cut him off and get a restraining order against him if you have to.
His behavior is a receipe for disaster.

Alicenwonderland · 13/02/2020 15:22

Agree with others comments. Don't put him on the birth certificate, don't give the baby his last name, block him and cease all contact. Keep a record (screenshots) of any messages between you both, get advice from women's aid and the police. If he ramps up then definitely get a restraining order. If you are in danger women's aid can help you get to a safe place. I get where people are coming from re termination. It's awful but the sad fact is these men end up making your and your children's lives a living hell. If you arm yourself with knowledge of your rights and protect you and the baby you at least stand a fighting chance of having a normal life.

cheeseislife8 · 13/02/2020 15:34

This is definitely not someone you want in your life OP, as others have said.

Good luck with the scan! If he does turn up, the staff can and will refuse to let him in if you ask, it's YOUR medical appointment

Feltywelty · 13/02/2020 15:36

Please cut contact. Hes only trying to control the situation because he thinks he can. You need to show him he can't now, before baby is born. Once he fionsa out he can't control you he'll probably fuck off.
Emotional abusers dont care about their kids, they're just pawns to use to try and control the other parent.

Justanothernameonthepage · 13/02/2020 15:42

Oh and definitely tell the staff that the father is abusive and you don't want him at any medical appointments. It won't be the first time they've had this.

OhLook · 13/02/2020 15:48

At the very least, never tell him the date or time of any appointments again.

UYScuti · 13/02/2020 17:41

Hes now sending rows of question marks
what a complete nobber, just block the twat, why are you even replying to this infantile gobshite?
Come on OP, we want to help you to be strong here!!

Socalm · 13/02/2020 17:53

If it was me, I'd be wanting to lay down some clear boundaries right away. I'd be saying thanks for the offers and suggestions and I'll consider them but probably I won't want extra people in the house. Also, that he needs to give you space and trust your judgment as a mother.

It just depends though, OP. I don't know what your family situation is like, but you might be glad of some extra help once the baby comes. As long as they don't take over.

Socalm · 13/02/2020 17:57

Sorry, missed the update about the scan! I hope it goes well, OP.

loserssaywhat · 13/02/2020 18:14

He's an absolute lunatic! His mum is moving in with you to teach you? What??
You need to set some very clear boundaries or block this man.
Keep all the texts and records of the missed calls. He's not well in the head.

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