Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When is emotional abuse “enough” to take it further?

188 replies

Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 10:41

Not really an AIBU but I’d love people’s experiences.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pg from a fwb situation which was going on for about 6 months. I was on mini pill so was not expecting it.

Since I told the father he’s taken it really badly and every day I am faced with either a barrage of text messages or simply the silent treatments.

So far:

Wanted my prescription for mini pill and wanted to call the dr to make sure I’d been taking it as I said I had

Has told me how the baby is being brought up such as:

He won’t have a dummy
You’ll be breastfeeding
He will have his surname
I’m not to be posting pics on social media
His parents will see the baby before mine do
He wants his mum at the birth

Wants me to pay for a paternity test
Has told me that his mum will be moving in with me for three months after baby born to “teach me”
Has told me that baby will be going abroad to his country for holidays without him

As I suffer from anxiety anyway and have had to reduce this since being pregnant, I am finding this really hard and don’t know if he’s being abusive or if I’m being over sensitive.

I wanted to be so excited about this pregnancy but at the moment I’m a wreck.

Sorry I spose I prob just want a hand hold

OP posts:
Emijen · 13/02/2020 12:54

I wouldn’t put him on the BC and I’d move

YasssKween · 13/02/2020 12:58

I know this sounds like nothing but to me who is at this point exhausted and worn down ... I’m on the verge of tears once again

This absolutely doesn't sound like nothing, you're being so hard on yourself! I would be on the verge of tears too in fact I'd be crying. He sounds incredibly selfish and appears to have zero empathy. I'm sorry OP you poor thing Thanks

MadamShazam · 13/02/2020 13:00

This sounds like a nightmare OP. I'm not a fan of lies, but I would consider telling him its not his baby, and not put a name on the BC. Don't tell him when the scan is, and consider asking your boss to be discreet in regards to time off for appointments.

hannah1992 · 13/02/2020 13:00

To you latest question. Just block his number. You've told him you're going alone. He cant force himself to go nor can he force himself to be in the room with you. This may come across harsh but you have to be a stone wall here. This man is doing this because you will back down and he will get his own way. Kind of like a child having a tantrum because you've said no, so you give in and then the next time they tantrum again because they know you'll give in. DO NOT GIVE IN!! if he turns up at the hospital you tell them you dont want him there and security will remove him

FreckledLeopard · 13/02/2020 13:02

I'd be clear that if he contacts you or tries to turn up to a scan, that you'll call the Police.

If you work offshore, presumably you could work in a similar role elsewhere? Ignore notice period provisions - I can't imagine your employer would sue you for failing to work your notice.

If you want the child, then get the hell away from the man, tell him you had an abortion, and move somewhere far away. Or, have a termination. I know it sucks either way, but you don't really have any other options.

bluebluezoo · 13/02/2020 13:03

The right is the child's, to a decent father - this man shows no signs of being one

No one has "rights". As you point out, the right is the childs, to a father full stop. It is not conditional on the father being "decent". Even if he was a mass murderer the child still has the right to a relationship.

It is not the o/p's decision to decide whether he's a decent enough father to allow a relationship anyway. Like pp have said a court would allow access regardless of his parenting abilities, unless you can prove he is a danger or can't safeguard the child, and even then it would be supervised access, as the child still has the right to know its dad.

Thelnebriati · 13/02/2020 13:03

If he turns up you should be given the opportunity to alert the staff to the fact he is abusive without him noticing.
You could phone them in advance and ask.

MzHz · 13/02/2020 13:04

I agree with those who say not to go through with this. The man will forever be tied to you and you will literally hate yourself for having given this child the shittiest dad there is.

Without question I’d be making arrangements to end this pregnancy

Russellbrandshair · 13/02/2020 13:04

Block him. Tell him if he contacts you again you will tell the police. This isnt nothing this is really very serious.
Stop texting him and stop telling him about doctors appointments. Cut all contact now.

billy1966 · 13/02/2020 13:14

He's threatening you.
You have every right to go to the police and log this.
Tell work also that he is harassing you.

How do you get away?
Well it's not more difficult when the father of your child is a bullying twat.

You need to think really hard about yourself and your life and what it will be like with a lunatic FWB in your business all the time.
Protect yourself.

bibliomania · 13/02/2020 13:14

Agree that he has no rights with regard to your pregnancy.

Send him one more message to say that he must not contact you further for the duration of the pregnancy, as his messages now amount to harassment, and that you will go to the police if he continues. He will test this boundary - you will need to follow through and tell the police (use the non-emergency number) or he will trample all over the boundary.

Once the baby is born, I agree with the advice about getting a court order in place. If he does go on to harass you during pregnancy, this will be taken into account when court makes its decision the appropriate arrangements for the child.

Best case scenario is that he will give up, especially if it's going to cost him money. Worst case scenario is that he will be a presence in your life for the next 20 years. I had a baby with an unsuitable person, and it has been difficult - lots of angst, court hearings, constant concern over whether his parenting is harmful to dd. It's not an easy path, but I certainly don't wish dd away.

Daftodil · 13/02/2020 13:15

Say "your constant messages are stressing me out. Stress is no good for me or my baby and with this in mind I will be blocking your number for the next 24 hours. I'll let you know how the scan goes, but please understand this is all new and scary and daunting for me and I need some headspace. I'll unblock you in 24hrs, but if you can't be civil and respect my decisions then I'll block you for the next 9 months too."

Your scan is a medical appointment for you. He does not have an automatic right to attend it (especially not if he is demanding paternity tests!)

Idonttrackpeas · 13/02/2020 13:26

If he turns up tell the doc that you do not want him present for your appointment. If he kicks off the doc will call security and then you have the first evidence (in addition to all the texts) of abuse and you can call the police

keepingbees · 13/02/2020 13:33

He doesn't have a right to come to scans and your appointments, but if he's like this now then what will he be like once the baby is born! He will have a right then, he will have rights to a say on the child's education and healthcare for example.
Try not to stress but you need to go into this with your eyes open, it's not as easy as just moving away or ignoring him.
And just because he didn't want the baby doesn't mean he won't pursue contact and involvement. Men like this often do, and not for the right reasons,

DianaT1969 · 13/02/2020 13:35

Don't share anymore information with him. No details of scans. Nothing.
As others said, I wouldn't continue this pregnancy, but that's your choice. If you continue, you must do it with your eyes open. This man isn't going to change. You can't change him and mediation won't work. Because he isn't just slightly strange and controlling, he's off the scale.
If you can put up with 18 more years of this, then it's your call. Disappearing to another part of the country will be even harder once you have the child and need your family's support.
If you really want a child and are financially able to support one alone - as you seem to be prepared to do now - why not consider sperm donation? Then everything is on your terms.
But I do agree that this isn't for everyone and understand if you go ahead with the pregnancy.
I also wonder if you should do the Freedom Programme asap.

Blackandgreenteas · 13/02/2020 13:37

I would keep away from him entirely. Bloke him. Move house if necessary. Don’t whatever you do put him on the birth certificate.

I think I would consider termination, but again I know that’s not for everyone.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/02/2020 13:38

Lie to him. Tell him you had an abortion and leave town and change your number. This guy is going to steal your baby first chance he gets

Randomname85 · 13/02/2020 13:40

It’s your baby that you are making with your own body and will be living with you. Why can’t you just tell him to fuck off? Or are you scared of him?

Say ‘you are welcome to be in the child's life but I will not be adhering to your ridiculous terms - there will be no further discussion on the matter’.

Randomname85 · 13/02/2020 13:42

I also agree though that I think he is likely to make your life very difficult going forward so you do need to really think about whether you want this baby enough to put up with him.

toomuchtooold · 13/02/2020 13:47

For future reference love, any amount of emotional abuse is enough to walk away. A bad feeling is enough to walk away. Just not fancying it is enough to walk away. You are sovereign over your own mind, your own body and your own time.

In this situation I would say run as fast as you can in the opposite direction, because he is a proper nutter. Like the PP if I was in this situation I would get a termination, but it's not a decision for everyone. But with a nutter like this in the background I think you would be wise to distance yourself as much as possible.

Also, and I know this is going to sound harsh so I'm sorry, but you say you ought to be excited. I don't think you need to feel excited here, I think it's entirely reasonable to be not happy. You're pregnant, clearly by accident, to a man who turns out to be a controlling arse. That's not good news! I hope everything does work out well for you though.

3rdNamechange · 13/02/2020 13:48

I know it's hard , but send one message, 'It's my body and my baby and the decisions are mine'
Block him until you decide what you're doing.
If he turns up at the hospital he will be removed by security.
Is also echo others and worry if he took the baby abroad , would he bring it back ?

MulticolourMophead · 13/02/2020 14:01

OP, I have to agree with those who say termination will be the only way to stop any harrassment. If I were in your position, I'd terminate, then when my body had recovered, use a sperm donor.

I left a relationship after 30 years, and the emotional abuse i received during that time pretty much broke me. It had a massive effect on the DC, who also have MH issues. Please don't subject your baby to this man.

Original poster
Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 14:04

Thank you all so much for replying

I want this baby more than anything but I don’t want him to be subject to a tug of love that starts before he’s even a fetus.

I know I have enough resources and love to be a good mum to this child but a part of that is about safe guarding and building a safe place for him.

I’ll update after the scan.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 13/02/2020 14:05

Good luck with the scan, OP.

NaviSprite · 13/02/2020 14:06

Absolutely what other PP’s (especially VeniceQueen) have suggested - you have to be the wall here and I can only imagine how horrible a time you’re having OP but if you want this baby and want to keep him away until he can prove to be a reasonable adult (unlikely given what you’ve said) then you are going to have to be the one to drive this.

I’m glad to read you have family nearby - are they aware of the situation? Are they capable of adding extra support for you?

As others have said he has no rights to demand access to scans, who is present at birth or anything to do with how you choose to proceed with birth plans/feeding etc. I would inform the hospital that he has been intimidating and demanding, threatening you with regards to your baby and therefore you do not want him present at any appointments. Stop advising him of any appointments, make sure your family are aware and inform management at work that this situation has arisen. Do you have an HR department you can approach with regards to his behaviour and your concerns at the workplace?

For advice on how to protect yourself (if you fear he could become physical) it might be worth speaking to any local women’s rights charities that you have - if none are available there are numbers online.

He will try to manipulate you at this point whilst you are at your most vulnerable and I’m sorry you are going through this. Stand tall and learn your rights, keep factual and don’t let him draw you in with threats. Arm yourself with all the knowledge you can and I hope you also have a good friendship circle to support you. I wish you luck OP.