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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When is emotional abuse “enough” to take it further?

188 replies

Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 10:41

Not really an AIBU but I’d love people’s experiences.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pg from a fwb situation which was going on for about 6 months. I was on mini pill so was not expecting it.

Since I told the father he’s taken it really badly and every day I am faced with either a barrage of text messages or simply the silent treatments.

So far:

Wanted my prescription for mini pill and wanted to call the dr to make sure I’d been taking it as I said I had

Has told me how the baby is being brought up such as:

He won’t have a dummy
You’ll be breastfeeding
He will have his surname
I’m not to be posting pics on social media
His parents will see the baby before mine do
He wants his mum at the birth

Wants me to pay for a paternity test
Has told me that his mum will be moving in with me for three months after baby born to “teach me”
Has told me that baby will be going abroad to his country for holidays without him

As I suffer from anxiety anyway and have had to reduce this since being pregnant, I am finding this really hard and don’t know if he’s being abusive or if I’m being over sensitive.

I wanted to be so excited about this pregnancy but at the moment I’m a wreck.

Sorry I spose I prob just want a hand hold

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 12:02

I don’t think I could lie about a termination and as we work together it’ll be pretty obvious in the coming months that I haven’t ...

I’ll just get through today’s dating scan and have a good think this weekend about my options

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 13/02/2020 12:03

I would move. So wouldn’t be working with him.

UYScuti · 13/02/2020 12:04

I think I would send one message telling him that the pregnancy has now been terminated (whether or not that is actually the case) and then block him.

VeniceQueen2004 · 13/02/2020 12:07

How do I “get him out my life”? Serious question

Tell him the baby could be his or any number of other people's; that you do not want him involved; that if he wishes to be involved he will have to undertake legal proceedings after the baby is born, and he is not to contact you directly about this but to engage a solicitor or legal representative to write to you; that if he comes to your home you will not let him in; that if he tries to gain admittance you will call the police and have him removed; that if he speaks to you in work about anything other than work or if he is aggressive or unprofessional in any way you will follow the complaints procedure, and that you have notified both of your managers of the situation and that you are afraid of him so they will be keeping a close eye on the situation (do this); have this conversation in a public place, and film or record this whole conversation so you have evidence if he flies off the handle and becomes threatening. Leave.

After that, if he even looks at you the wrong way, report and pursue to either disciplinary or prosecution, depending on if it is in or out of work. Be absolutely hard as nails on this right from the off, show him you mean business, don't give an inch. Don't change your mind when he changes tack and become emotional, placating and appealing. He's shown you who he is, the mask is just a mask. Don't fall for it.

Look to move jobs and cities as soon as is reasonably practical (although I appreciate this may be difficult and will take time with maternity pay entitlement etc, it's the best way to make it hard for him to harrass you).

That's how I'd do it.

UYScuti · 13/02/2020 12:07

Actually no tell him that you had a miscarriage, if he later sees that you are pregnant well it's none of his business, you could quite easily have decided to have a baby with another man couldn't you.
Stop letting him behave as if he owns you, he's a nutcase, drop him like a hot brick.

UYScuti · 13/02/2020 12:09

Great advice from VeniceQueen, get tough and block him on all fronts

jackstini · 13/02/2020 12:10

Just seen update re work - that sucks
Do you work in the same team or just same building?

Keep any texts where he is giving you the ridiculous ultimatums and once you get back from your scan you can prepare a reply to either text back or tell him in a conversation in a public place, with a friend if that feels safer

Don't put his name on the BC
Tell him his mum is not being at the birth or staying after
You will feed the baby how you decide
The baby will not be travelling away from you
You will decide who visits the baby and when

Hope the scan goes well this pm and sending you vibes for strength

PumpkinP · 13/02/2020 12:11

You did ask how to get him out of your life, that would be by moving, changing jobs, telling him there is no baby anymore. I mean it IS possible. Doesn’t sound like you want to do that though so just be prepared for 18 years of abuse.

Original poster
Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 12:12

the logistics of cutting off are impossible otherwise I would.

I can’t start a new job when I have a six month notice period to give here and suspect I’m about 2 months pregnant already. Who is going to employ a nine months preg woman?

I don’t live mainland uK - one of the offshore isles. I am trapped in a space of thirty miles and besides would not want to move from my family who will love and support me here.

Thank you though - not trying to be difficult - just explaining that the situation isn’t altogether cut and dried x

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 12:14

Pumpkin I don’t know how I’ve managed to piss you off but please don’t bother to reply if you’re gonna be snarky and make assumptions. Thanks

OP posts:
UYScuti · 13/02/2020 12:16

I would not reply to any of his demands because that would be acknowledging them, this is just ridiculous boundary pushing on his part, shut it all down and make it clear that he has no say at all.

PumpkinP · 13/02/2020 12:17

YOu asked the question “seriously how do I get him out my life” well anyway I’m out, good luck (you’re gonna need it)

Rockingham1 · 13/02/2020 12:17

I had a pretty similar situation. Do not put him on the birth certificate is the best advice I can give you, I’m thankful every day that I didn’t.

DameFanny · 13/02/2020 12:19

How much of Venice's advice could you implement? I think she has the right idea. Start by telling him not to contact you again outside of work.

What's the police/court situation on the island?

keepingbees · 13/02/2020 12:24

Sorry but you can't get rid of him if you have his baby unfortunately. The best you can do is not put him on the birth certificate as already suggested, but he will still have rights and yes be able to take you to court for parental responsibility amongst many other things. He could use the child to get at you for the next 18 years, I'm saying that not to scare or worry you, just as something to consider.

VeniceQueen2004 · 13/02/2020 12:27

The likelihood of him pursuing you in court for access to a baby he apparently didn't even want (checking on your pill, wanting a paternity test) is tiny. All the other shit is him punishing you for getting pregnant. That wasn't part of his plan so he's angry and seeking to take control of the situation any way he can. Push him firmly out of your pregnancy and birth. He has no part to play in it. Once you have had the baby he can begin the (long and complicated) process of proving his paternity and applying for parental responsibility. I would be willing to lay money on it he'll never get that far. And if he does, you've lost nothing by making it as difficult for him as possible and giving yourself some chance of a peaceful pregnancy and birth.

JKScot4 · 13/02/2020 12:28

If you go ahead with the pregnancy, personally I wouldn’t, tell him it’s someone else’s. Tbh he sounds nuts, I couldn’t tie myself to this twat.

Nowayorhighway · 13/02/2020 12:30

You can block him for the duration of the pregnancy. He has no legal right to attend scans, appointments or even the birth so you can shut him out of those entirely. You will need to contact him once the baby has been born though and give him a shot at fatherhood. Don’t give your baby his surname, again he has no right to insist on this because you are unmarried therefore the Mother chooses and registers the name. I would advise not putting him on the BC too, he could take you to court at a later date to be placed on the BC but he might not be arsed to do that, it’s expensive for starters.

Only you can make the decision re termination, don’t feel forced into it.

VeniceQueen2004 · 13/02/2020 12:33

And you absolutely don't need to 'give him a shot to be a father' unless court mandated to do so. All he's done for this child so far is have an orgasm. That gives him fuck all rights IMO. The right is the child's, to a decent father - this man shows no signs of being one. And you have the right and the responsibility to make the right decisions for your child about who gets to be in their life. Do not feel guilted into including him because it's "his bayyyybeeee". It's not a thing, it's a person, a tiny helpless person you have to protect.

Porcupineinwaiting · 13/02/2020 12:33

So what it comes down to is that you have no way of getting away from this man and will have to co-parent with him for 18 years. Sad Let's hope he treats his child better than he's treating you.

Porcupineinwaiting · 13/02/2020 12:35

Sadly Venice that's not true. The child is deemed to have a right to contact with its father, and if he takes the OP to court for access, it will be granted.

VeniceQueen2004 · 13/02/2020 12:48

@porcupine doesn't he have to prove it's his first?

Sammy867 · 13/02/2020 12:52

I would be tempted not to put him on the BC and move house. That way he can’t contact you and doesn’t know where you are. You can contact him on your terms from that point, or not contact should you wish.

Thelnebriati · 13/02/2020 12:53

Can people see that OP having to change jobs and move house mean this is serious abuse?

Original poster
Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 12:54

thanks guys reading all these but I’m at work so sporadically responding.

He’s just text me that he wants to come to my dating scan. I’ve already told him I’m going alone.
He’s said he will come in anyway.
I said “I’m going alone and I’ll tell you what is said”
He said “it’s my baby. I’m going”
I didn’t reply
Hes now sending rows of question marks

I know this sounds like nothing but to me who is at this point exhausted and worn down ... I’m on the verge of tears once again

OP posts:
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