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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When is emotional abuse “enough” to take it further?

188 replies

Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 10:41

Not really an AIBU but I’d love people’s experiences.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pg from a fwb situation which was going on for about 6 months. I was on mini pill so was not expecting it.

Since I told the father he’s taken it really badly and every day I am faced with either a barrage of text messages or simply the silent treatments.

So far:

Wanted my prescription for mini pill and wanted to call the dr to make sure I’d been taking it as I said I had

Has told me how the baby is being brought up such as:

He won’t have a dummy
You’ll be breastfeeding
He will have his surname
I’m not to be posting pics on social media
His parents will see the baby before mine do
He wants his mum at the birth

Wants me to pay for a paternity test
Has told me that his mum will be moving in with me for three months after baby born to “teach me”
Has told me that baby will be going abroad to his country for holidays without him

As I suffer from anxiety anyway and have had to reduce this since being pregnant, I am finding this really hard and don’t know if he’s being abusive or if I’m being over sensitive.

I wanted to be so excited about this pregnancy but at the moment I’m a wreck.

Sorry I spose I prob just want a hand hold

OP posts:

fannyanney · 13/02/2020 11:12

Oh sweetheart,

Having a baby is hard. Having a baby with an abusive man, who has equal parenting responsibility to you, and can and probably will take you to court to enforce his wishes.. that is going to be hell on Earth, for you and the child.

The situation won't get better, you'll be fighting this forever. There's plenty of posts on here where children have been turned against one parent by another. Where men are allowed to make the lives of their children awful.

It's an incredibly tough situation for you. If I were in your shoes I'd terminate, but you need to decide that for yourself. But please do be realistic about what the future will likely hold if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Original poster

Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 11:14

Thank you all so much

OP posts:

Pembsgirl · 13/02/2020 11:15

I know that it's hard decision to terminate a pregnancy, but for most of us there are plenty of opportunities to get pregnant with a decent man, or if you get desperate you can always just look for a sperm donor. So please, please, don't continue with this pregnancy. Now that he knows about it, you are likely to be constantly pestered by him with demands for this, that, and the other, and from his overbearing attitude, you are unlikely to have a moment's peace of mind. You'll also never be sure that he won't take the baby abroad where you won't be able to get him/her back. Do you really want to start your journey into motherhood with these worries hanging over you?

Original poster

Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 11:18

I don’t but I’m 39 and I worry this is my last chance.
I realise that’s selfish and I do have a lot of thinking to do

OP posts:

strawberry2017 · 13/02/2020 11:20

If he takes the baby overseas then he might not come back.
If you go ahead with this the under no circumstances put him on the birth certificate.that way he can't get a passport for baby.
He is clearly trying to control everything
Sending love and strength OP

JKScot4 · 13/02/2020 11:20

@PumpkinP
Different opinions? Seriously? his demands are outrageous even if they were in a relationship. 🙄

HollowTalk · 13/02/2020 11:22

I wouldn't dream of having a baby with a man like this, OP. He will ruin your life.

billy1966 · 13/02/2020 11:26

I agree OP.
Your body for sure and your choice.

He sounds awful.
Think long and hard about being tormented and bullied by him for the next 20 years.

Frightening.
Clearly if it was a FWB situation you have no real idea of just how bad he may be.

I would not want to prolong a connection with him.

He has shown you a snapshot of what he's like.
Believe him. Dismiss at your peril.

doritosdip · 13/02/2020 11:28

There's no reason to talk to him until after the birth. Block do that you can get some respite from his shit.

If you have the baby, contact him afterwards and start the legal process for contact. Getting a Child Arrangement Order means that if he tries to kidnap the child the police will help you. If there's no CAO and he tries to kidnap the child then you have to go to court at that point. You need to look up whether Dad's country is part of The Hague Convention so you know how much to worry if baby is taken overseas.

When the baby is born you can prevent Dad from getting a passport for baby and leaving the country with baby. He can challenge the taking the child abroad bit but pre-emptiness this is a good idea considering how deranged he's acting.

With regards to name, at best make Dad's band a middle name. By "best " I mean if he is more reasonable by the time baby is born. Reasonable meaning calm, helpful financially and practically etc

PumpkinP · 13/02/2020 11:29

Ofcourse they are ridiculous, I didn’t say they weren’t. Just in the sense of his opinions can’t be “taken further” as that’s all they are, opinions. which the op can and should ignore!

Pollaidh · 13/02/2020 11:33

I'd run. He sounds controlling and you don't want him able to control you (or your child, if you decide to go ahead) for the rest of your life. I'd recommend cutting all links to him, and it's entirely your choice of course, but in your position I would not be having his baby.

Original poster

Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 11:39

I wasn’t very clear about taking it further I suppose I meant start with a mediator or someone legal so that I could impress upon him from the beginning that this wasn’t his show and that we needed to be able to co-operate.

Sorry if I sound naive or stupid I’ve never done this before nor do I know the protocol

OP posts:

Daftodil · 13/02/2020 11:41

Sending a hand hold.

You know he is being ridiculous. Just reply with one word answers. He is crazy to demand having his mum (I assume a stranger to you) to live with you for 3 months to "teach you" how to parent your child (for one thing, by the sounds of things, she hasn't done a stellar job if this is how he's behaving, and for another thing, who says his mum wants to abandon her life for 3 months to live with you?!)

Tell him you need some space and will be blocking him for the next couple of weeks as you don't want to hear his crazy ramblings and abuse.

PumpkinP · 13/02/2020 11:41

Ok I took it to mean as reporting it. Why bother with mediation? Just get him out your life. These type of men don’t change

Frazzledmum123 · 13/02/2020 11:42

It seems such a shame people are trying to convince op to have a termination when she has said she wants to keep the baby.
OP, if you really do want this baby then maybe do some research into your rights etc before you make any decision. A friend was married to someone from the middle east and had s child with him. They eventually split and he was bloody awful but she had some systems in place to protect her. She had a court order which did not allow her ex to take the child abroad without her permission and never anywhere outside the Hague convention. He eventually just gave up on his daughter once he realised he couldn't have complete control over everything and this was a child he wanted, your 'ex' doesn't even want this baby.
If you decide to continue, do not put him on the birth certificate (yes he can apply for it to be added but he may not even bother and it will buy you time at least) and do not have him at the birth or give the baby his surname. You dont have to include him and if he does get a court ruling then it doesn't have to be how people describe it above, it wasn't for my friend. Keep the messages too, screen shot them and save them.
I hope you have whatever outcome you wish for, good luck x

Tighnabruaich · 13/02/2020 11:43

He cannot dictate who comes into the labour room with you

He cannot dictate how you feed this baby

He cannot dictate what the baby's surname is - do not put him on the birth certificate

This man is deluded

Consider your options very, very carefully

Tighnabruaich · 13/02/2020 11:44

oh - and he can't force you to have his mother stay for three months post birth.

Original poster

Changedname81 · 13/02/2020 11:46

How do I “get him out my life”? Serious question

That’s it ... if it was as simple as that then I would but he works at my place of work, he lives down the road.

I genuinely don’t know how to do this x sorry if I sound facetious I’m definitely not trying to be

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 13/02/2020 11:50

Stop focusing on him, the time to say enough is when you have had enough.
This hasn't brought out a shitty side of him, this is how he is when it really matters to him, its a more intense version of how he has been with you so far. You're trying to fix him to make him reasonable, and you can't. If he was a reasonable person he'd be behaving reasonably now.
If you tie yourself to this man - especially if you think you or someone else can change him - you are going to be living like this for the next 18 years.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/02/2020 11:52

IME, you can't get someone "out of your life" if you have a child with them.
He could potentially take you to court and enforce that his name goes on the birth certificate. He could apply for a Child Arrangements Order to have regular contact with the child. You would need to have it in the order that the child is a resident of the UK, as he will probably be given the rights to take the child to his country of origin for visits.
What he won't be able to do is dictate who is at the birth, who stays with you to "teach" you, whether you breast feed, etc.

Do a little research about what his rights and responsibilities will be as a separated parent. Then let that inform how you move forward.

madcatladyforever · 13/02/2020 11:52

You need to move right away from him and have no contact at all. I'd tell him you had an abortion so he leaves you alone.
If you have any contact with him you'll be trapped for the next 18 years.
Your anxiety will disappear when you dump this control freak.

PersephoneandHades · 13/02/2020 11:53

I would suggest mentioning his behaviour during your scan, health professionals will be able to tell you your rights regarding your birth plan, the birth certificate and will likely be able to refer you to someone who deals with abusive partners.

bluebluezoo · 13/02/2020 11:58

Bring baby up in YOUR culture

If the baby is dual heritage knowing BOTH cultures will be important to the BABY. You can't cut a child off from half of itself.

The madness seems a little cultural to me, from what the o/p has said. It can be the done thing for grandmothers to stay etc. Some cultures do place fathers wants above a mothers needs.

o/p, Best thing would be to get some proper legal advice and get an agreement in place with regards to contact and travel abroad. It will put your mind at rest and if there is a court order it will give police the power to act- which they can't do if there isn't one. It may also be worth a discussion over when and if he crosses the line and you can also seek recourse with regards to him contacting you.

Bear in mind bf will be the biggest block to unsupervised access to the baby until it starts solids- and you can present it as his idea...

PumpkinP · 13/02/2020 11:59

I would also say I had an abortion. Even if i didn’t to get rid of him. But I realise not many people would want to do that. But that’s what I would do if I was in this situation and that would get him out of your life!

UYScuti · 13/02/2020 12:02

This man is an off The chart nutcase
Block and run

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