When is emotional abuse “enough” to take it further?

[Changedname81]

Not really an AIBU but I’d love people’s experiences.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pg from a fwb situation which was going on for about 6 months. I was on mini pill so was not expecting it.

Since I told the father he’s taken it really badly and every day I am faced with either a barrage of text messages or simply the silent treatments.

So far:

Wanted my prescription for mini pill and wanted to call the dr to make sure I’d been taking it as I said I had

Has told me how the baby is being brought up such as:

He won’t have a dummy
You’ll be breastfeeding
He will have his surname
I’m not to be posting pics on social media
His parents will see the baby before mine do
He wants his mum at the birth

Wants me to pay for a paternity test
Has told me that his mum will be moving in with me for three months after baby born to “teach me”
Has told me that baby will be going abroad to his country for holidays without him

As I suffer from anxiety anyway and have had to reduce this since being pregnant, I am finding this really hard and don’t know if he’s being abusive or if I’m being over sensitive.

I wanted to be so excited about this pregnancy but at the moment I’m a wreck.

Sorry I spose I prob just want a hand hold

What an arsehole.

Block for now.

OP, if you have his child, you will always be tied to this man.

I wouldn't do it personally as he will make your life hell. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt or hope that he will change or be talked round. He's shown you who he us, so believe him.

He's going to try to control you for the rest of your life so you should only continue on the path you're currently on if you're prepared to accept that as a fact.

Sorry OP, this sounds awful. But I would not be bringing a child into this situation.

Had my scan and seeing baby on the scan has me so torn. I’m only 7 weeks so I have time.
It’s so hard

@changedname81 Oh sweetheart I just want to give you a big hug.

Can you not just cut him off completely? Block him on everything or does he know where you live?

Could you string him along for a bit whilst you prepare to move house so he doesnt know where you live?

If you can I’d move away. His level of control is potentially worrying and you need emotional distance.

I’d also think seriously about whether you want this baby. It’s very stressful with an abusive partner.

Of course we can't tell you what to do but cutting contact is a sticky plaster, you can't run away from it forever. What if he takes you to court? Just not putting him on the BC doesn't protect you if he goes for PR. Absolutely awful people get access to their children. One of the Rotherham rapists was offered visitation with his son and apply for PR, he doesn't sound like he'd just let this one go if you block him.

OP, it's the weekend soon. Can you get away for a day or so, even if it's just to a travelogue? Block him on all your devices, go somewhere where you can go for a nice walk, a pizza, even the cinema, and just clear your head.

This is all going so fast, you have a lot to think about and worse of all he is either physically or virtually in your space all the time. No wonder you can't think straight. Go away for 24 hours and clear your head a bit.

As far as I can see it, You have three choices here.

Have a termination.
Keep the baby, Fake a miscarriage and move somewhere far far away.
Put up with this shit for the rest of your life.

Over-simplified but I don't see any other option.

I would not have a baby with a man like this. It’s all well and good to say ‘cut contact’ or ‘leave him off the birth certificate’ but he could take you to court, get PR and then you’ve got that cunt to deal with.

I’d have a termination because 18 years or more of fighting and living with that shit would kill me.

If you don’t want to terminate (obviously a completely reasonable and valid choice) I’d tell him I miscarried, bugger off FOR GOOD and keep a very large distance between you.

@MovinOnUp

Gosh! That was my post but succinct!

OP, just move away and start over. Abroad if you can. It's your child too and it sounds like you want it.

There is no way I would ever terminate a wanted baby, for any reason. You have lots of options to discourage this man, allowing you to keep your baby. He would have a long, hard, expensive battle ahead to prove paternity and gain custody.

For those not RTFT OP works with him and lives on a UK island so not easy to avoid him or nip to a Travel lodge.

As you're not in England, I'd suggest getting some advice on the legal position where you are around whatever the equivalent of parental responsibility is. Places like Gurnsey / Jersey can have different laws as well as outdated attitudes.

Also check the implications for nationality for the baby of being born where you live vs. England vs. other places.

I think you're going to be remain stuck between:

• terminating a wanted pregnancy
• moving a long way from family support in order to minimise interaction with him once the baby is born

unless his behaviour gets much worse to the point where it could be reported to the police as a crime with a good chance of him being prosecuted and convicted and imprisoned.

or

unless he wants to move on from your mutual employer for his own reasons to another similar job elsewhere. If you're working for a big employer and you report his behaviour, that might be enough for them to try to manage him out [if he's this horrible to you, maybe this behaviour is replicated in how he is with those he works with]. But may be your employer decides it's easier to keep him and persuade you to go, so this is a risky strategy.

If you want to keep the baby, it's worth considering:

• can you move in with a family member/could somebody move in with you? Not from a practical support point of view (though that would be useful) but from a 'witness-likely-to-be-there' point of view if he randomly turns up.
• could you and a family member move together to somewhere some distance away? Or could all of you go?
• with babies, the current English thinking, is that they should spend frequent short amounts of time with the parent they don't live with. I don't know if that's relevant where you live, but it's worth thinking about who amongst your family and friends can be around so that you don't have to interact with him when he comes to collect/return the baby.

OP, please understand that if you continue with this pregnancy he will be in your life forever. That is the reality. He may chose not to be but it will be his choice- not yours. no matter how long or hard the battle (and a dna test is not hard) he will be found to be the father and he can and will chose to have contact with that child. Make any choice you want based on that knowledge - not in any hope that you could disappear or stop him or his mother or anyone having contact.

You can stop him coming into the dating scan - or anything else once you are pregnant. Once the baby is born, your ability to control his contact with your child will be limited at best. Your baby won't be subject to a tug of love - he will be subject to a tug of control from this man.

Also, OP if you do decide to terminate, please do NOT tell this man that. Simply tell him it was a false alarm or a missed miscarriage or a miscarriage and then BLOCK him.

For those not RTFT OP works with him and lives on a UK island so not easy to avoid him or nip to a Travel lodge

Oh god. I honestly don’t think you can stay on this island or keep your job OP. This is serious as I’m sure you know. You need to get help from women’s aid. They could suggest an online counseling perhaps or advisor? .

I would advise moving off the island you are on. Deleting all social media, just don’t use it at all because he may stalk you through mutual friends or people. Don’t out him on the BC and consider changing your family name. It is incredibly easy to find out where someone is living even after they move if you just have their name.

This is seriously going to end badly.

The red amount of red flags... It's like Chinese New year up in here!

This man is from a background where it is acceptable to treat women like incubators and sex toys, obviously from his demands.

Some of the things he has said are on based on his culture also meaning a judge will push for this because they believe children should have both parents in their lives and cultures.

He probably will take you to court. So keep all your evidence, texts, screenshots. He won't give up, he won't change. Men, infact people, like this do not change.

You have three choices.

Abortion and freedom - chance to move on and be happy with someone else.

Baby and him dictating every decision for this baby and you. Taking you to court, trying to take the baby off you, no child maintenance cause he will refuse -en like this always do! You will live in fear that one day he will take your child from its school and never see it again because it will be in another country (I say it because gender unknown).

Baby and run the fuck away. Hide. Change your name and live off grid.

Baby and run

Well that was a mess. Obviously time for bed 🤣

You can't bring up a baby with this type of person in your life. I understand your age, it must be so hard. Could you actually move away? Change your name? It would be a bit like you are coming from a movie! I think it might be worth it the other alternative I suspect would be a termination and then go find a sperm donor.

Very best of luck 0P,I suspect you will need it. Please keep us updated. I don't think anyone on Mumsnet thinks you can raise a child with this prat.

At 39 I wouldn’t abort a much wanted baby. If you have a supportive family. Set clear boundaries with him and don’t be bullied by him.

at 39 with this man, I'd terminate and use a sperm donation instead if I wanted to get pregnant.

you can set any boundaries you like - you are joined by this baby and he will have every bit of control over the baby's life as the mother does. please OP go into this with your eyes open. You cannot obliterate the father no matter what people say on this site. And you especially cannot do this if you live in a small remote community with him. This is it - you will be connected intimately with him for life and his views and opinions and thoughts on your precious child will have as much weight as yours.

OP I wish you well whatever you decide

I would run. I would send a message saying miscarried or aborted and run. Say that it is too hard to be any where near him now that you have lost a much wanted child and run away, you have a few months before it will show hopefully and move anywhere else, if your in England I would go to the council and explain you are pregnant and running away from an abuser, they can help.

Just get far away from him because you don't want him having access to your child.

I would keep the child to be honest but there is no way I would let this man know the kid existed.

Or I would abort, move away and then try to get pregnant again, sperm donation, one might stand anything.. If a child is really wanted :)