When is emotional abuse “enough” to take it further?

[Changedname81]

Not really an AIBU but I’d love people’s experiences.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pg from a fwb situation which was going on for about 6 months. I was on mini pill so was not expecting it.

Since I told the father he’s taken it really badly and every day I am faced with either a barrage of text messages or simply the silent treatments.

So far:

Wanted my prescription for mini pill and wanted to call the dr to make sure I’d been taking it as I said I had

Has told me how the baby is being brought up such as:

He won’t have a dummy
You’ll be breastfeeding
He will have his surname
I’m not to be posting pics on social media
His parents will see the baby before mine do
He wants his mum at the birth

Wants me to pay for a paternity test
Has told me that his mum will be moving in with me for three months after baby born to “teach me”
Has told me that baby will be going abroad to his country for holidays without him

As I suffer from anxiety anyway and have had to reduce this since being pregnant, I am finding this really hard and don’t know if he’s being abusive or if I’m being over sensitive.

I wanted to be so excited about this pregnancy but at the moment I’m a wreck.

Sorry I spose I prob just want a hand hold

Thanks again for your replies. I know a lot of you think I’m being selfish and difficult and I’m honestly reading and taking on board all your replies.

I think I will bow out of this thread now as I know a lot of people are getting frustrated with me and I can see why.

Once again thanks for all your help and have a fab weekend x

Is he on a work visa? Just thinking his time on the island might be limited.

Don't be driven off your thread OP its a difficult situation you are in with no quick fix

Thanks upstart I know I’m coming across as being someone who discounts every suggestion and I know how infuriating that is so was just going to leave it for a bit.

He is over here on a license but is likely now to get a compassionate license with this happening

Surely you’d have to give evidence for him to get a compassionate license? Just refuse to? Tell him it’s not his, report him for harassment, take all the texts etc to the police.

Please call Women's Aid. There is no easy way out of this - whatever you decide, you will need as much support as you can get, and Women's Aid deal with situations like these day in, day out.

You are not wrong to consider termination but you don't HAVE to go through with termination only because he is so abusive and unreasonable. You can ask him to never contact you again and report it to police as harrassement if he does. The further away from this man you are, the better. Talk through the specifics of your situation (ways of moving to the UK etc) with Women's Aid.

Mention stress to your GP too, it's in your interest to do this now to get the best advice and help you can get, but also if this situation develops badly it's always good to have a trail of evidence of what happened when.

Best of luck.

this does not work necessarily. Have you ever dealt with a controlling, stalking kind of partner or ex? Your post is incredibly naive.
You have no idea about me. I agree with pp telling the OP to have an abortion is all kinds of wrong.

He is over here on a license but is likely now to get a compassionate license with this happening

Only if you verify it for him. In your shoes I might consider seeking legal advice. If he is stalking or harassing you surely you can add that to his license application as a negative.

This is what I would do in your shoes:

Keep the baby

Block his number

Get a solicitor to write a cease and desist letter to include further contact will be reported to the police.

Let him take you to court for a dna test and access

Inform your HR dept of the situation and tell them that he is harassing you and you feel vulnerable in the workplace.

You absolutely do not have to do any of the bizarre things he has said.

Just my view.

These are all very well meaning suggestions but you need to understand what your position is legally. The first thing you need to do is see a local family solicitor who can advise you, taking into account your lack of relationship, his visa status etc. You need information regarding what is practical, legal and doable.

Agree with @Upstartcrones:

If he is stalking or harassing you surely you can add that to his license application as a negative.

Definitely worth starting a log of all the calls, texts, messages, any at work interactions etc. in case you do choose to go down this route.

I’d leave where you live, tbh.

His mother can fuck right off.

Good luck OP. Tough one.

is likely now to get a compassionate license with this happening
do not co-operate with him, you hold the power to stop him getting this, that's the reason he's so full on about the baby he wants to get entwined into your life so that he can use it to get the license.