When is emotional abuse “enough” to take it further?

[Changedname81]

Not really an AIBU but I’d love people’s experiences.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pg from a fwb situation which was going on for about 6 months. I was on mini pill so was not expecting it.

Since I told the father he’s taken it really badly and every day I am faced with either a barrage of text messages or simply the silent treatments.

So far:

Wanted my prescription for mini pill and wanted to call the dr to make sure I’d been taking it as I said I had

Has told me how the baby is being brought up such as:

He won’t have a dummy
You’ll be breastfeeding
He will have his surname
I’m not to be posting pics on social media
His parents will see the baby before mine do
He wants his mum at the birth

Wants me to pay for a paternity test
Has told me that his mum will be moving in with me for three months after baby born to “teach me”
Has told me that baby will be going abroad to his country for holidays without him

As I suffer from anxiety anyway and have had to reduce this since being pregnant, I am finding this really hard and don’t know if he’s being abusive or if I’m being over sensitive.

I wanted to be so excited about this pregnancy but at the moment I’m a wreck.

Sorry I spose I prob just want a hand hold

At 39 I wouldn’t abort. I would message ‘stop contacting me, I need space. You are overbearing and stressing me out.’ Tell the hospital you are not together and don’t want him in appts. If he keeps contacting you consider reporting him to the police for harassment.
Have you thought about finances? Could you afford a babysitter to look for a new job while on maternity leave?

I’m afraid I think I’d do this too, although it’s so hard, onky you can know.

at 39 with this man, I'd terminate and use a sperm donation instead if I wanted to get pregnant.

It’s just being with a co parent with a potentially very abusive man could be dangerous for you.

It does sound as though you will be in for a whole lot of upset and trouble if you stay with this man,who presumably has a different culture to yours, referring to the remarks he has made concerning child care and rearing.... The decisions about your baby are yours of course.

Just block him, tell him you’ve miscarried and leave it at that. He sounds insane and you do not want to get tied up with that. Why did you tell him? Or alternatively don’t have the baby.

He's on the same level as a one-night stand you've have a work. You have no romantic, legal, financial relationship. You don't have to name him, and he has no right to stand any scans or birth. Any demands he offers are to be views as suggestions which you can toss. He has no rights to your body. If it was me I would off all contact other than essential work communication.

TBH if it was me I'd think very hard about opening the door into your future by having a child with this man. He will have some rights post birth, and he sounds like a common misogynist disguised as a "traditionalist".

There is no right or wrong whatever you decide re: continuing pregnancy. I'd suggest discussing with someone who can give you some information re: your rights as a Single Mother. www.childsupportlaws.co.uk/law-single-mothers.html

Op, if you want to keep the baby, you need some legal support to get you through this pregnancy and into some form of happy life.

I think you need to put together a clear calm email, stating that your relationship is over and will not be reinstated. That you don’t want contact during the pregnancy and that you will regard him repeatedly contacting you as harassment.
That you will inform him when the child is born, but that you will give birth in a place and way of your choosing.
If he tries to hassle you, you will take legal advice, and tell your manager of his bullying.
And then block him in every communication except personal email.
You have close family. Tell them what is happening. Let them close ranks around you. This man needs to understand he doesn’t get to choose.

Did he attend the scan?

Please know that he has NO RIGHT to attend any of your medical appointments up to and including birth. Maternity staff are trained to look out for signs of abuse/ abusive behaviours/ "uncomfortable" mothers and they will look to refer to support and social services. Nobody wants a baby in an abusive environment.

He did not attend the scan.

To all the posters saying “just up and run”. It’s really not that simple... I live on a Channel Island which is less than 40 miles long... I work with him.

I have no family or support network if I up and run it’s simply not an option.

Faking a miscarriage - I work with him.

I’m going to try to have one last conversation with him.

This pregnancy was a massive shock as I’ve spent the last 12 years being told I can’t have a baby so for those saying “just terminate” it’s not emotionally that simple.

Sorry once again if I’m being difficult but this isn’t a movie, I can’t even live in the mainland UK with the passport I have because my parents or grandparents weren’t English (we are British). Leaving is not an option.

I thank all of you who have commented thank you so much.

What passport is that? Just never heard of that type of restriction. Gibraltar? Jersey/Guernsey?

I’m not really sure what you want people to say then? People have suggested many options but you say you can’t do any of them 🤷‍♀️

Will you need his financial support when the baby is born?

I wasn’t very clear about taking it further I suppose I meant start with a mediator

you never go through any kind of mediation with someone who is abusive towards you.

he sounds seriously deranged and I would worry about my own safety. I don't think keeping the baby and working with him is an option.

I would also consider running the texts you got via police. He might step things up and you would want to know what you can go to protect you.

this sounds incredibly difficult.

seeing that you live on an UK Island and cannot even move to mainland UK, I would terminate.

you are settling yourself and the baby up for hell!

Or move away - wherever you can go. But don't have the baby close to him.

According to the Home Office website people who have British citizenship, including those from the Channel Islands, have a right to reside in the UK.

OP you need to wake up a bit here. You cannot have this baby, and work w this guy and not be abused. If you are signing up for 18 years of pot abuse then at least do it with your eyes open and act to protect yourself. Quit with all the "I'll just talk to him rationally try to appease him one more time" nonsense and start acting to protect yourself. There is plenty of advice on how to do that online and up thread.

OP you need to wake up a bit here. You cannot have this baby, and work w this guy and not be abused. If you are signing up for 18 years of pot abuse then at least do it with your eyes open and act to protect yourself

Well said. OP if you don’t do anything your life is going to be a living hell with this abusive man

I have no family or support network if I up and run it’s simply not an option.

You need some kind of emergency counseling perhaps?

I’d urge you to speak to women’s aid too. Explain your situation and see if they have someone that you can speak to.

One harsh fact - he has all the signs of an abusive man. If you had to run to a women’s refuge, where would you go then?

The most vulnerable women are those that see nowhere to go and are trapped. People will get more abusive if they know you aren’t going anywhere.

OP you've found yourself in a previously imaginable place. You never thought you could get pregnant. You've mentioned things you cannot do. You need to rip up your ideas of what is possible here. Yes this leaves you untethered but in this you'll find your answer. Counselling is a wonderful idea if you can find someone decent.

Do you have your baby on a small island with the father, a (very likely) abusive man trying to control you and the child?

Do you terminate a baby you want and grieve the loss?

Do you leave and start again elsewhere with your baby? Am I right in thinking you're not a native of this island? You moved once, you can move again.

And you're right not to come to a quick decision for the benefit of MN commentators. Absolutelu, your life is not a movie but many here are just concerned for you, particularly as you set out to do the impossible which is trying to reason with someone behaving in this absolutely insane way.

Am not a fan of lying but I think in your case, I would

The dating scan gives you a perfect reason to text him and say 'I have my due date and it's not yours,will now be blocking you'

Make sure hospital knows he is not to be included in any aspect of the pregnancy

I also would not terminate a much wanted pregnancy at 39, not if it's taken you 12 years to conceive, but it's your body and your decision

Good luck whatever you decide

Ffs the op wants this baby, what is wrong with you people? You are scaring a vulnerable person and trying to push her into aborting a baby she wants! Like she said, this isnt a movie, this is her life, and her child that she wants, very easy for you to say get rid then go back to your life and not have to deal with the emotional fallout from it
I get some people think its a bad idea, that it's going to end badly but only the op knows this mam. He is being a twat, no doubt about that but he could be just lashing out and it doesn't mean he is an evil monster doomed to ruin her life forever. He may be, I dont know, no one here does.
As I mentioned before I had a friend who had a partner who was bloody awful, stressed her out at the start and was from a country it could have been dangerous for him to be from. But they are fine, he is barely in their life and she has a beautiful 21 year old now who is her world. It can be ok. She just needs to prepare herself, dont acknowledge he is the father officially, keep screen shots of his messages in case he does want access to limit it and get advice about a court order to prevent him taking the child away. It may be hard I'm not denying it but aborting a wanted baby because the father is an arse isnt always the best way forward either!

Congratulations on the pregnancy op.
I suggest taking it one step at a time and focusing on what you want. You want the baby and you want to stay on the island with your family. You don't want to be involved with dickhead.
You have 9 months til baby arrives, that's time to get a plan/advice on how to deal with dick head. I think if you block him/grey rock him at work he will lose interest before the baby arrives and find some other focus of interest.
Su
You could email/message him with the minimum about what you are doing then block him.

Something like "Although this wasn't part of the plan, I never thought I would have the opportunity to be a mother so I'm keeping my baby. I'm happy to bring it up on my own so no need for you to be involved. I will let you know when they are born and if you want contact, we can discuss it then but until that point I do not want any contact with you".
Then block him.
Suggest you tell work and your family and let them help you.
It might also be worth seeing a solicitor about your legal position.

You have 9 months til baby arrives, that's time to get a plan/advice on how to deal with dick head. I think if you block him/grey rock him at work he will lose interest before the baby arrives and find some other focus of interest.

this does not work necessarily. Have you ever dealt with a controlling, stalking kind of partner or ex? Your post is incredibly naive.

OP, you ate approaching this as if this chap will be reasonable. He won't be. He's abusive, and neither mediation or counselling will work with an abuser. You'll need to be firm and have strong boundaries.

If you continue with this pregnancy, please, please do not put him on the birth certificate, in doing so, you are giving him parental responsibility.
Without putting his name on the BC you cannot give the child his name.
He sounds like he is not going to be an involved father, but more like he thinks you and the child become his property to be controlled.

He will make your life hell for 18 years.

He doesn't seem to grasp you as a person with autonomy to make decisions, have family relationships or want privacy during medical situations.

You need to get away from him because hes acting like a nut case.

I'm sorry you are going through this, you must feel as though you are quite trapped.

If possible move somewhere he womt be able to find you. He sounds like as soon as he found out you were pregnant you became enemy number 1, to be overcome so he can have things exactly under his control.

He will make your life hell for 18 years

It doesn't stop when they are 18.

You'll have to watch their father hurting your adult child again and again for the rest of your life. You just have less power to protect them when they're adults.

It never ends.

I hate hate to say it but what about your baby. Are you happy for them to receive years of emotional abuse too?
It took me a lot of work to get where I am today with a emotionally abusive dad and I still hate myself when I see the damage it's still doing.

Obviously it's your decision don't let anyone bully you either way.