Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

AIBU, friend organised surprise 50th three weeks after mine!

336 replies

Andrea2807 · 12/02/2020 20:06

Tell me AIBU, there a few of us turning 50 this year, and I got a
message through Facebook from a friend saying I’m organizing a surprise for X’s 50th which is 4 weeks after mine. Then posts oh we can have a few drinks for yours as well! We are a group of friends who socialise together, we all have to put in an extra tenner for x’s place. When I said oh thanks should I just tag along I was told don’t be so touchy!
Myself and X had discussed all going away later on after the summer holidays, which won’t happen as people won’t be able to afford it, I’m getting more annoyed every message that’s coming through and now don’t want to go, AIBU

OP posts:

wildcherries · 12/02/2020 22:01

Your friends need to grow a spine and tell the organiser and not just you that they think it's unfair. Otherwise, it's nothing but lipservice.

I understand why you're hurt, I would be too. You're expected to shell out all this money for a weekend away for a friend's significant birthday while your own is 'a couple of drinks' at the same event as an afterthought. I probably wouldn't go, because I can't fake not being upset.

KaliforniaDreamz · 12/02/2020 22:02

I would feel hurt. It also scuppers your landmark birthday (as you've said).
There is no cut off point from feeling hurt or let down by friends, so ignore that shite.

I used to have friends like this.
Used to.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 12/02/2020 22:03

Just reply to latest message and say 'I've been having a think and as this is so close to my birthday too let's make it a joint celebration.' The organiser will then have to buck her ideas up and your other friends can join in and agree what a great idea you've had.

I agree with this. Shine a spotlight on their decision to celebrate HER birthday but not yours!

Spotsandstars · 12/02/2020 22:03

Are you married, could you organise a special weekend away with your spouse instead? Still go to your friends thing or you will look awful.
Yes they're are being a bit insensitive.

SpaghettiSharon · 12/02/2020 22:08

Ouch. That’s really hurtful . I’d be upset too.

RiftGibbon · 12/02/2020 22:09

I had a landmark birthday a couple of years ago. I'd wanted a party and a meal out. But it didn't happen. We were at a festival so I took it upon myself to but myself a few gins instead.

SonjaMorgan · 12/02/2020 22:11

Maybe they have organized one for you, how would you know. Or maybe it is a joint party and they want to make you think they have forgotten.

Blacksheepcat · 12/02/2020 22:12

Has it occurred to you that they might be organising a “surprise” for you? That’s why they’re not telling you and pretending to just be doing something for X

ittakes2 · 12/02/2020 22:17

How do you know they are also not having a surprise party for you too?

Tatapie · 12/02/2020 22:20

OP knows they aren't doing a surprise party for her because members of the group have messaged her to say they think it's out of order.

Pumpkintopf · 12/02/2020 22:20

Agreed

SallySun123 · 12/02/2020 22:21

I get why you’re hurt, it’s pretty shitty. You need to organise a night out for your own 50th even if it’s a couple of weeks before. Send out invites, make it official, expect people to come and enjoy it. Don’t let one insensitive friend ruin your birthday.

Original poster

Andrea2807 · 12/02/2020 22:25

Oh yes they definitely know it’s mine as well and there definitely isn’t a surprise for me, as it’s a weekend away for my friend, I could understand the girl organizing it and just her taking X away for a spa weekend as they have been friends all their lives, but to add all our friendship group in it and just advertise as it as a surprise for one of us isn’t nice, and I don’t want to look horrible and not go but I also don’t want to go and feel resentful and spoil it for my friend? So need a really good excuse x

OP posts:

LEELULUMPKIN · 12/02/2020 22:25

I am very confused, surely they wouldn't tell you if it was a bloody surprise!

LEELULUMPKIN · 12/02/2020 22:28

Sorry, just caught up, yep that is crap. This is why I have arranged my own 50th celebration in a couple of weeks.

Half way across the world with DH.

Sod em OP, do your own thing.

Fedupofdoingit · 12/02/2020 22:29

If I were you I would just say I couldn’t afford this weekend away, as I was saving to go on the holiday that you and your friend had discussed! Depending on her response you will know if there is definitely nothing planned for you. Hopefully if she reports back that you are not going, these other friends, who think it is awful but haven’t said anything, will actually speak up and say what a shitty thing to do to you?

For what it’s worth, if she has deliberately ignored your birthday, she is a complete bitch and YADNBU! I would drop this other “friend” as much as possible going forward.

Freddiefox · 12/02/2020 22:30

I have never understood grown women being so precious about birthdays.

It’s not about birthdays, it never is really it’s about feeling valued and cared for. It can also be fairly humiliating realising that you’re not valued in the same as others and the friendship you thought you valued, wasn’t valued in the same way by others.

NightsOfCabiria · 12/02/2020 22:31

Does your ‘friend’ have form for this type of behaviour? Does she single you out or is she bitchy to everyone (bar birthday friend)?

Freddiefox · 12/02/2020 22:31

I am very confused, surely they wouldn't tell you if it was a bloody surprise!
then they would have just left her out the WhatsApp group

Original poster

Andrea2807 · 12/02/2020 22:33

This was the original Message that was sent to me in the group chat!!

Ok girlies. Was thinking we need to arrange a SURPRISE girly weekend for X’s 50th. We can also celebrate A’s birthday at the same time.

So that makes it sound like an afterthought is it just worded poorly

OP posts:

shinyredbus · 12/02/2020 22:36

jesus wept OP. You're thinking of ending a primary school friendship because they didn't do a party for you?! Maybe the planner is closer to X, maybe the planner likes X more. Maybe X was having a bad time and planner knew so thought this would cheer her up? So many maybes. Just chill out - no one is forcing you to go?

Spotsandstars · 12/02/2020 22:36

Yeah that message is a tad offensive

LocalHobo · 12/02/2020 22:37

I’m sure the organisers of the surprise must be under the impression that you have lots of lovely special things already planned for your 50th, whereas the other person does not, so felt one of her social group should plan a celebration.
If that isn’t the case then, yes , they probably prefer your friend.

Original poster

Andrea2807 · 12/02/2020 22:38

Yes there is a bit of form with this one friend, from being little she didn’t like me bring friends with X then when I was going out with my X husband she slept with him behind my back, but I thought we where all young and make mistakes and we got friendly 20 years later, maybe I should have trusted my instincts and she doesn’t really like me and just puts up with me as she’s friends with all the others x

OP posts:

Spotsandstars · 12/02/2020 22:42

Yeah after that post she obviously wants to close you out. She wants you to feel unwanted, unimportant etc. Don't give her the satisfaction. Be 100 percent not bothered. She slept with your ex husband? Gross.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14