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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU, friend organised surprise 50th three weeks after mine!

336 replies

Andrea2807 · 12/02/2020 20:06

Tell me AIBU, there a few of us turning 50 this year, and I got a
message through Facebook from a friend saying I’m organizing a surprise for X’s 50th which is 4 weeks after mine. Then posts oh we can have a few drinks for yours as well! We are a group of friends who socialise together, we all have to put in an extra tenner for x’s place. When I said oh thanks should I just tag along I was told don’t be so touchy!
Myself and X had discussed all going away later on after the summer holidays, which won’t happen as people won’t be able to afford it, I’m getting more annoyed every message that’s coming through and now don’t want to go, AIBU

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 12/02/2020 20:21

But things like this are a wake up call. These friends don’t care about you- one even told you not to be touchy about it - dismissively. I’d not chip in and out your money towards a day out or mini break with your other friend. I’d be stepping away slightly from these people.

BarbedBloom · 12/02/2020 20:21

Ah,, your update makes more sense. Yes I would feel hurt actually if it was a friendship group and there was a lot of effort for one and not for another.

If I wanted to organise something in similar circumstances I would have done something joint between the two dates - though if you live at a distance from each other I can see how that would be difficult.

MemorialBeach · 12/02/2020 20:22

How can you know for certain that they haven't organised anything for your birthday? If they are arranging a surprise party for you then you wouldn't know anything about it, because, well, it's a surprise.

EmmiJay · 12/02/2020 20:23

Be petty. Do a dinner party excluding them. If they ask why they weren't invited say, "Oh sorry I thought you'd be too busy planning X's party🙃"

BlueEyedFloozy · 12/02/2020 20:23

I'd think that they are organising a surprise for you too but they can't exactly let on to you can they?!

Scarydinosaurs · 12/02/2020 20:23

Is there any reason why your birthday isn’t being marked in the same way? Have you suggested you wouldn’t like a party?

Original poster
Andrea2807 · 12/02/2020 20:24

I should have explained it’s not a party it’s a girls weekend away, which is actually two weeks after mine and two weeks before hers.
It’s not about being 50 or 15 it’s the thoughtlessness that is behind it, I know nothing has been arranged as one of the other friends said she is disgusted that my birthday has been pushed to one side.

OP posts:
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 12/02/2020 20:24

I wonder if it’s going to be for your birthday too and they’re sounding you out on the date to make sure you turn up?

VioletCharlotte · 12/02/2020 20:24

I get it, and totally understand why you're upset. However, have you thought that they might also be organising something for your 50th too as a surprise? I can't believe any group of friends (presuming you are good friends, not just acquaintances?) would organise something for one friends birthday and totally ignore another's.

SlightlyJaded · 12/02/2020 20:25

Oh fuck off everyone with your 'are you 15?' and your passive aggressive 'so let me just get this straight - you are upset that your friend is having a party?' bollocks.

Group of friends
All consider themselves of 'equal worth'
Two of them are reaching the same milestone
One of them gets a flurry of activity, a suprise party and the attention and feeling of being loved that goes with that.
The other one is treated as an afterthought and told to 'grow up' for daring to feel sidelined.

OP, I'd be upset. I'd feel short changed and I'd be thinking 'well thanks a lot!'

Maybe plan something nice with X for later in the year - just the two of you.

DollyPomPoms · 12/02/2020 20:28

How do you know they haven’t told your other friend the surprise is for you?

Original poster
Andrea2807 · 12/02/2020 20:30

If it was a surprise for me as well then I wouldn’t be paying the same price as everyone else, we all live locally and go out as a group and have been friends from primary school, so wouldn’t really not want to go as she is one of my oldest friends and she would be upset, just hard everytime she brings up what we doing for our birthdays and I have to say oh well let’s see what happens as people can’t afford it or let’s check if they have enough holidays, thank you

OP posts:
HalfBiscuit · 12/02/2020 20:32

Sounds like the friend is closer to X than you.

Can't you organise your own party? Don't most people just do that?

Honeyroar · 12/02/2020 20:33

When she asks what you’re doing for your birthdays arrange something for the pair of you?

CountFosco · 12/02/2020 20:33

Surely it must be a joint 'surprise' for each of you if it's bang in the middle of your birthdays. In which case they have probably told your friend it's a surprise for you so she'll be equally miffed. Basically very badly done. Go and enjoy the weekend. If they have been thoughtless enough to just have a surprise for your friend then drop them like stones after the weekend.

Or you could try and arrange something just with the other birthday girl, could be rather amusing while everyone tries to work out each others motives Grin.

2020newme · 12/02/2020 20:34

I don't understand. What happens if she arranges to do something else that weekend?

Are you sure she hasn't been told it's your surprise weekend away and it's really joint? If you were actually paying for her weekend away it would be more than £10 each extra (unless there's 25 of you?) so that sounds like a ruse to me.

Also, could your friends think you aren't the sort of person who would enjoy a surprise? I would hate it control freak

kingkuta · 12/02/2020 20:34

I bet it's for both of you. They will have told your other friend it's a surprise for your birthday. Just so it's a surprise for both of you. Bet X is pissed off too thinking they've left her out Grin

VioletCharlotte · 12/02/2020 20:36

OP what I meant was, perhaps they're organising something completely separate for you? So you're being asked to contribute for her birthday surprise. But perhaps they're organising something for your birthday too that you don't know about?!

I would like to think so anyway. Otherwise they're really not very nice friends!

BumbleBeee69 · 12/02/2020 20:37

The sound like a bunch of spiteful selfish bitches.... WTAF ... there aren't friends.. they are vile.. so your 50th is largely ignored.. whilst you're invited no less than a fortnight later for someone else's big surprise 50th party....

FUCK THAT..

Whoops75 · 12/02/2020 20:38

I would talk to the other birthday girl and make a plan for how ye would like to celebrate with your friends.

RadgeSpottingChooseFife · 12/02/2020 20:40

But maybe.... it's a SURPRISE Grin

Original poster
Andrea2807 · 12/02/2020 20:40

Thank you I know she doesn’t know anything as her sisters and daughters are in the group chat as well, there are 16 of us going and what we are being asked to pay is the cost between all of us, I just have to hope that there is something. If not I will have to re-evaluate my friends!

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 12/02/2020 20:45

Is your friend in the same situation as you? I have a group of friends some married and 1 not. The unmarried friend always get more fuss made of her - because there is no partner to do it. (She does rather well has she has some fab groups of friends - but it doesn't stop us bothering). The rest of us think of our husbands don't sort it we should have chosen better husbands. 😂

NorthEndGal · 12/02/2020 20:46

Have you told anyone you would like to have a birthday party?
If the one who is your closest friend has asked repeatedly, and you have brushed her off , maybe she has told the others you are not fussed about a party?

RadgeSpottingChooseFife · 12/02/2020 20:47

As it's bang on in the middle of both dates it does sound like there may be plans to make it joint? I must admit, I don't like the aspect of surprise birthday dos where you're supposed to make someone believe for part of their day that nothing is arranged.

Wait and see what happens. If they've really organised something for her but not you, that is a bit of a slap in the face. If that turned out to be the case I'd be quite confused and upset that they'd made a fuss of one birthday but not the other.

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