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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU, friend organised surprise 50th three weeks after mine!

336 replies

Andrea2807 · 12/02/2020 20:06

Tell me AIBU, there a few of us turning 50 this year, and I got a
message through Facebook from a friend saying I’m organizing a surprise for X’s 50th which is 4 weeks after mine. Then posts oh we can have a few drinks for yours as well! We are a group of friends who socialise together, we all have to put in an extra tenner for x’s place. When I said oh thanks should I just tag along I was told don’t be so touchy!
Myself and X had discussed all going away later on after the summer holidays, which won’t happen as people won’t be able to afford it, I’m getting more annoyed every message that’s coming through and now don’t want to go, AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
Andrea2807 · 13/02/2020 13:01

@longtompot that sounds like a fab idea thank you x

OP posts:
incognitomum · 13/02/2020 13:05

I like Doobigetta's idea.

Original poster
Andrea2807 · 13/02/2020 13:06

@EmeraldShamrock we have all been friends from the age of 4, yes I moved away but came home regularly for nights out, birthdays etc, stayed in touch via phone calls and them visiting me, so not cheeky at all to ask why not for my birthday as well! Thought our friendship was equal obviously not.

OP posts:
ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 13/02/2020 14:14

Do you know what, I’d probably be a petty bitch and get together with the other birthday girl and try and arrange a joint birthday bash! As she doesn’t know about the surprise, she might go for it and then cow face ‘friend’ will have to back down?! But then I’m a cow! Grin

Maighdeann · 13/02/2020 14:27

I get why you're hurt OP. I would be too Thanks

billy1966 · 13/02/2020 15:11

OP, of course that is going to sting and don't pay any attention to those who need to be rude to you on here.

The thing I would focus on is that this is absolutely deliberate on the organisers part.
She doesn't like you, wants to hurt you and is determined to try and make you feel bad.

Now you know!

I wouldn't give her the soot of being upset.

To those weak friends of yours that are afraid of her I would pass it off and say "sure that's just her".

To the other birthday girl if she does say something to you, you should say "yes it was very mean, but that's what she's like" and pass it off.

I would think that you could have a small gathering like dinner at your house for 3 or 5 that you really like and go and celebrate your friend on her birthday or not, whatever you decide.

But the organiser isn't your friend so no point in putting any effort or time in there.
Flowers

CountFosco · 13/02/2020 20:17

This thread is a classic example of the problem with a drip feed. If the OP had revealed in her first post that the bitch who is organising a surprise slept with the OPs BF then I suspect there would be a unanimous YANBU.

OP, this woman has form and I'd make it clear to everyone that she has always been a bitch to you: 'after all what kind of woman sleeps with their friend's BF'.

Go to your friend's surprise event, she will want you there. And kill the bitch with excessive kindness to her face (DH is an expert at this and it is hilarious to watch these people squirm because you take away their power) but make it clear to everyone else that 'yes of course it wasn't nice to plan a celebration for only one of us but poor bitchface has always been jealous of me (do you remember she slept with ex all those years ago) and it's best just to ignore her pathetic attempts to upset me because this weekend is about lovely friend, DH did something fab for me on my birthday so I'm not missing out at all'.

Soffy · 13/02/2020 20:42

Who on earth would say that though CountFosco? Would you? Really?

CountFosco · 14/02/2020 14:27

I am about the same age as the OP and if a friend had slept with my BF in my 20s I would have dumped both of them then and wouldn't be giving her a moments thought now. Sadly the OP has continued the friendship for decades but needs to stand up to her now so sheccan spend her 60s with her real friends.

Jaxhog · 14/02/2020 14:31

Knock a year off your age, and have a big party next year instead!

Thisisnotreallymyname · 14/02/2020 17:36

Maybe they HAVE arranges a Surprise Party for you and are trying to throw you off the scent ?
If they were, and told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise would it ?

cologne4711 · 14/02/2020 17:38

I’d probably be a petty bitch and get together with the other birthday girl and try and arrange a joint birthday bash

I was thinking this too. How about it OP?

Mary54 · 14/02/2020 17:52

The whole idea of a surprise party is..... it’s a surprise!
If I understand correctly, you’re upset that she’s going to get a surprise and you’re not? How do you know they’re not doing the same thing for you? You don’t. That’s the meaning of „surprise“

Even if they aren’t organizing anything for you, why do you think they should? You’ve already said you have made some plans. Maybe they think the other birthday girl won’t celebrate otherwise. You also say there are several people turning 50, presumably, under your logic, they are also entitled to a surprise party?

MadamShazam · 14/02/2020 17:54

I would feel miffed to be honest.

Wingingit247 · 14/02/2020 18:15

Oh OP you have every right to feel hurt and upset! I would arrange something with lovely friend on a different day and not go to planned one. You can’t allow people to treat you so badly, if lovely friend is indeed a good friend she’ll 100% understand why it would be hurtful and upsetting for you to attend planned event, then you can put it behind you and move on with something nice you can enjoy together! ❤️

DreamTheMoors · 14/02/2020 18:15

I suspect by their cavalier attitude, they’re having a surprise for you too. Don’t worry.

Twinkled · 14/02/2020 18:20

I understand why you are upset, I would be too. I hope they have organsied a surpise for you too if not I dont get why they are being so thoughtless.

TeaAndCake321 · 14/02/2020 18:27

How do you know they aren't having a surprise party for you too? Surely they wouldn't tell you, like they haven't told your friend. Your friend is probably stewing too that you are getting a party and she is also being told to "tag onto" yours...

Petlover9 · 14/02/2020 18:32

@ChocolateChipMuffin2016 - what a brilliant idea!

I hope OP does this. I would feel upset if it happened to me - which it won’t because nearly all my friends have passed away - but if I still had friends around and they did this I would feel very side lined

SinisterSparkle · 14/02/2020 18:39

How do you know their not organising one for you too? Their not going to tell you are they! That would ruin the surprise.
I bet they have planed somthing already for your birthday and now onto planing for your other friends. The brush off of "we'll just have a few drinks sounds like she doesn't want to let anything slip. Yabu for potentially ruining your friends efforts.

SentimentalKiller · 14/02/2020 18:44

I wouldn't go. You are well within your rights to be hurt, it's really crap
I would come up with a good excuse and go out with your friend later to celebrate

SentimentalKiller · 14/02/2020 18:45

She is paying for the other friend so how can they be organising a joint celebration

Ivysaurus · 14/02/2020 18:46

Maybe there is a surprise planned for you that you don't know about?

Mlou32 · 14/02/2020 18:50

So how do you know that they're not organising a surprise something for you as well? They're hardly going to message you asking if you want to go to your surprise party, are they?

However if they are organising something for her and doing nothing for yours then I would be a bit miffed.

DeRigueurMortis · 14/02/2020 18:53

To be honest I'm most surprised by your friends who've contacted you to say it was unfair.

Had I been faced with this situation, rather than contact you I'd have privately contacted the group (apart from the organiser) and said to them it should be a weekend away for you both and needed to be "re-branded" as such. Having got them onside is then respond to the organiser to say "this is what we would all like to do" - basically pay for you both and tell the nice friend what the plan is so everyone is being treated equally.

Tbh I'm surprised they know it's poor form but still seemly happy to go along with it.

That said you can't dictate their response, so personally I'd decline to go, but speak to the other birthday girl and arrange a special night out for just the two of you to celebrate with someone who reciprocates your friendship and leave the rest to fester uncomfortably (if they even have the decency to do so).