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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU, friend organised surprise 50th three weeks after mine!

336 replies

Andrea2807 · 12/02/2020 20:06

Tell me AIBU, there a few of us turning 50 this year, and I got a
message through Facebook from a friend saying I’m organizing a surprise for X’s 50th which is 4 weeks after mine. Then posts oh we can have a few drinks for yours as well! We are a group of friends who socialise together, we all have to put in an extra tenner for x’s place. When I said oh thanks should I just tag along I was told don’t be so touchy!
Myself and X had discussed all going away later on after the summer holidays, which won’t happen as people won’t be able to afford it, I’m getting more annoyed every message that’s coming through and now don’t want to go, AIBU

OP posts:
Oblomov20 · 13/02/2020 08:16

"I’ve had friends messaged me privately and say they think it’s wrong, but they are not saying anything to the girl that’s sent the original message. "

Wtf? Why haven't they said? What sort of friendship group is this? Clearly not close. If no one can be honest with each other.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/02/2020 08:21

As some other PP have said, some of the other friends should be saying it should be a joint party. Think your DH might be right.

Hereinthemidlands · 13/02/2020 08:35

Omg the amount of people STILL saying maybe there is a surprise party for the OP, RTFT!!!

juliastone · 13/02/2020 08:44

It sounds as if they are preparing a surprise party for you too, only you don't know about it because... it's a surprise party!

Original poster
Andrea2807 · 13/02/2020 08:54

OMG there is no surprise for me! They wouldn’t arrange something without speaking to my husband in case it clashes, he doesn’t like them,
So they won’t ask him! We are all paying for x’s place on the weekend away! So know it’s not a surprise for me as well!! Hardly if I’m in on all the messages and I know my friend hasn’t a clue as she keeps asking what are we doing for our birthday and I keep making excuses, let’s see how money is for everybody? are we sure everyone has holidays left? The list goes on x

OP posts:
alltakingandnogiving · 13/02/2020 09:01

Yeah, initially it just sounded like a thoughtless oversite, but now it seems that there is a pattern. Your DH obviously spotted it. Very hurtful.Flowers

HillsandSea10 · 13/02/2020 09:05

Early on you said you had been friends from primary school.

Now it turns out you returned to the area ago after being away for a long time. Unless you kept in close touch with them all these years you're not seen as an integral part of the group.

I would go away with DH to celebrate your big birthday. Go on the surprise weekend as you like the other birthday friend, but then cool it and make individual friends you can trust.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/02/2020 09:28

Okay so there is definitely no surprise for you. Fairplay to you asking, though the answer don't be so touchy is telling.
I can't believe other friends are disgusted texting but saying nothing to the organiser. Sometimes I think I'd like a group of friends outside family it sounds ruthless.
I've sisters close by we are all good friends.
Cut your loses OP. Sad
I hope you have a lovely birthday.

longtompot · 13/02/2020 09:41

As the surprise party is 2 weeks before your nice friends birthday (is that right?) can you arrange to go out for a meal or something with her on or closer to the day? Then you are able to celebrate with your nice friend, not have to deal with the not so nice friends, and do what you want for your birthday?

Ponoka7 · 13/02/2020 09:50

I voted YANBU, but I don't think the original message was as you put it. She is organising something a bit more special for the other friend, but you are included and might get a night of drinks being paid for.

"They wouldn’t arrange something without speaking to my husband in case it clashes"

You have someone special to organise and pay for something for you, she doesn't. It makes a big difference having a partner and living with someone, in every way. I'm 52, happily single, but it does hit me, at Christmas and Birthdays etc that I don't have someone special (not my children /sister) to celebrate with.

Combined with you having lived away for some time, I don't think it's a reason to end a friendship.

There's always going to be people in a friendship group that are closer to each other.

You say that your friend is lovely, then I think you should try to get passed this.

Ponoka7 · 13/02/2020 09:52

I'd ask her daughters/sister if she'd really want this as a surprise. It's nice to anticipate things and it sounds as though she's worried about what she is going to do for her Birthday.

katewhinesalot · 13/02/2020 09:54

It's one person. The others are upset on your behalf even though they don't want to rock the boat by saying something. You admit that she is close to this other birthday girl.
I'd be incredibly sad too but mark this woman's number and concentrate on the other real friends who have contacted you privately. The other birthday girl will probably call her out on it. Maintain dignity for the sake of the group but be civil and polite to the non friend.

Oblomov20 · 13/02/2020 09:57

What a drip feed thread this is.

This isn't a close friendship group. Primary, not a close friendship group formed recently. Op went away, is clearly seen as a peripheral member. And her Dh hates them.
Doomed!

Changeofname79 · 13/02/2020 10:31

@Andrea2807 you are totally right in feeling upset, I would be hurt also. I think part if the problem is that your OP was vague and there is a lot of drip feeding and it seems most posters only read the OP without the updates (dont understand that, it's not along thread!). I must say I misunderstood the OP thinking you meant she had arranged a surprise party for a month after your party but its much clearer from your updates.

It feels like she has done this purposely to prove a point but also you are not close so she would be unlikely to arrange anything for you (which is not unreasonable on its own) but it's a shame the group of friends didnt get together to organise a joint thing. They should have pulled her up on it!

It sounds like your DH is spot on about her, I am surprised you have anything to do with her.

Changeofname79 · 13/02/2020 10:32

I agree with @Oblomov20 if it was an equally close friendship group then this was be completely unreasonable behaviour (which is what was implied in the OP and earlier posts)

wildcherries · 13/02/2020 10:33

I really wouldn't go and I'd make a credible excuse to friend. Then talk to her properly after her surprise party. Your husband has this right. Do something with him instead.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/02/2020 10:59

Op went away, is clearly seen as a peripheral member. And her Dh hates them.
Doomed! Absolutely. They know your DH hates them too.
If the other birthday lady is single and a longer friend I can exactly why they are doing something special.
I think it was a bit cheeky asking what about your birthday treat, I'd think it but wouldn't ask.

FraglesRock · 13/02/2020 11:02

I don't think I'd go. Any nod to your birthday would be very halfhearted and feel like a slight. Your actual friends would be upset. And I don't think you'll get near birthday friend as your being wendied out.

So if you haven't paid I'd say you've got something on. Be vague as she really doesn't deserve a decent excuse.

I'd arrange a day out just before this shambles with other birthday friend where you can treat each other.

Pilot12 · 13/02/2020 11:16

How do you know they are not organising a surprise party for you? You wouldn't if it's a surprise would you?

I would wait until your birthday and see if they have arranged anything for you before you start getting upset about it.

ThePlantsitter · 13/02/2020 11:31

Get your husband to arrange a nice birthday treat weekend away for you on the weekend theirs is planned. Then say to the group 'oh! DH had planned a surprise for my 50th but he had to tell me when he heard about this so I can't come! I'll celebrate with lovely friend beforehand'. It has to be a real weekend away otherwise you'll feel crap, but it'll be so much nicer by the sound of these wankers.

Whywhywhynow · 13/02/2020 11:35

But maybe they have organised something for you but you don’t know? Maybe the throwing in of having a few drinks for yours is too throw you off?

Bibidy · 13/02/2020 11:43

I think that's mean of your friends not to do a joint part for both you and X. I'd be upset too.

ohfourfoxache · 13/02/2020 12:01

Sounds like some absolute shits in your “friendship group”.

I really think you need to re-evaluate who you’re friends are tbh

Sorry, it’s shit and I’m not surprised you’re hurt

WhatsTheLatest · 13/02/2020 12:23

I 100% would go. It would show the organiser than unlike her you are not petty and you put others feelings first.
You can bet that the situation will be brought up and awkwardly discussed on the weekend, not least by X. Then just listen, sit back and see what happens. You are doing it for X, not for the organiser.

Doobigetta · 13/02/2020 12:46

I think if I were you I’d firmly squash the idea of it being a “joint” celebration- I’d post “oh no, don’t worry about me as I’m already making plans so my birthday is sorted”. Then arrange something deliberately for a small select group- a nice dinner or something- and invite the other birthday woman but not Queen Bee or anyone kowtowing to her. And be very open about it if anyone asks “oh I’m doing X with my husband and my best friends it’s going to be lovely”
But then I don’t give in to PA “just be nice, be the bigger person” games when the people playing them are not being nice or adult themselves. The nice adults get walked all over and get hurt in this kind of group.

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