SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

[Nik101]

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

I think it’s a lovely idea.

As long as it’s only every other month or so, I can’t see how she’s trying to take over.

You say she’s lovely, so I’d take advantage of your daughter having a lovely Aunt, who obviously enjoys spending time with her.

I would be a little bit weirded out too if I were you. I'd be assuming best intentions but if your DD doesn't already stay with them frequently then why does she need a room there...

What have you said so far in response?

I think it's lovely. Sounds like your DD is very loved. Just because they are struggling with infertility does not mean she will try to be a parent.

I’d say no thanks.

It does have a sense of taking over.

Also at a young age kids like material things and if her bedroom at sil’s is super fancy and crammed with toys and she starts hankering to go a lot, it will cause you upset.

Also what happens when she does have her own dc, it would be pretty wrenching for your DD to suddenly no longer have space at your SIL’s if she’s used to it.

I just wouldn’t.

I think it really helps a child’s confidence to have involvement from extended family, I’m really envious of people who have adoring grandparents and aunties/ uncles who spend time with their kids. I think it will probably be a good thing for your daughter, and how great for you and your husband to have these babysitters?

Nope!
Also, my DD would NEVER stay there.
She’s trying to play “mummies” with your DD. I understand she might be desperately sad not to have her own family, but she could try fostering or adoption or other means at having her own biological children.

Use it as a chance to manage expectations? That it’s a lovely idea but you’d feel a bit odd taking up a room for her given she’ll only be staying a handful of times a year tops?

Hmm honestly I find it a bit odd. I've been that aunt and whilst I have always made a fuss when my nieces visit, it would be odd to have had child's room in my house for occasional sleepovers. I had 3 miscarriages. I sense she's struggling to overcome her situation?

I think the biggest worry is as PP have said

1. Your daughter being spoiled there
2. SIL having own baby eventually and your DD being "rejected"

When I was little I would go stay with my aunt twice a year who was trying for a baby. I had the spare room. But she lived a while away so staying made sense rather than going for the day. However when she did have a child (7 years later) I felt very rejected.

Are they far away enough to justify a room?
Could you say to SIL youd rather she didnt have her own room but youd be happy for her to stay over occasionally?

If she is nice person and you trust her to take care of her overnight then allow her to do that. Thats a nice offer ...

She can never be a parent to your kid, never ever ... but she will have plenty of time and money to spend on her niece and surely thats a good think for your daughter and I am sure you and your partner can benefit from a night off.

I love my niece to bits and wish we can hang out more and I am sure i would love her the same even if I have 10 kids or none...

I'd say no... She can just use the Guest room like everyone else.

My SIL doesn’t have kids but if she made a room in her (big) house for my DC to sleepover I wouldn’t think that was weird. They have rooms at both their grandparents- not for them specifically but any visiting children, although they are the ones that mainly use it as the grandkids (and only grandkids on one side). I think it’s thoughtful

It sounds lovely. Nice for her and DD. Don’t see how it’s ‘taking over’ it’s not like she lives with her? Or trying to ‘play mummies’ ffs. Having a nice relationship with her niece is just that.

Also at a young age kids like material things and if her bedroom at sil’s is super fancy and crammed with toys and she starts hankering to go a lot, it will cause you upset

Definately "no" to the above. Why deny something nice for your kid just in case you cant give the same just because you may get upset about it?

Maybe a very small Yes to the notion of "perhaps she will feel rejected if/when she has a baby of her own" however this happens to the first born kids a little bit as well... as long as it is handled well your DD wont be hurt....

Is there a way you could suggest you all go shopping for a room together? If they had a neutral room she could put together a box of things to put out when your daughter stays. It sounds like she adores your daughter, children thrive on love.

I wouldnt personally - sounds like they want to take over your daughter as the child they havent been able to have.

I think it's a bit weird. A general kids room, fine. A room specifically for someone else's child?

I think I would have to say something, just because I would want to be sure that my intentions were clear.

If they include good furniture, wallpaper etc they could easily spend hundreds if not thousands of pounds on this. I'd want them to understand that she will only be staying over a few nights in a year before someone committed to spending that amount of money.

she could try fostering or adoption or other means at having her own biological children.

A foster child or an adopted child is not your biological child ...

And no, I wouldn’t agree to this. For no other reason than it’s just weird for a child to have their own bedroom at a family member’s house when they have their own room in their own house.

Hmm I don't know. If it was your sister rather than your sister in law would you feel any differently? I don't have a sister, I'm trying to imagine if my brother and his gf did this... I'd think it was a nice sentiment.

Perhaps you could steer her into the idea that it should be used as more of a general child's guest room rather than being specifically for your dd?

It would be a no from me. My children’s bedrooms are here, in their home. With me and their father. Sleepovers are fun and all, but having her own room at her aunt’s house. Unnecessary. They are using your daughter to make up for what they are missing in their own lives. That is not her responsibility. Don’t encourage it.

Its weird. I would politely decline as its confusing for your daughter. She has never stayed there before so doesn't need a room. When you and your daughter feel ready there can be a discussion but having a room there on standby isnt helpful to a dynamic you're already uncomfortable with especially if you sense she is overstepping

Some horrible responses here. They have asked you, OP, and you say you wouldn't mind her staying occasionally. It sounds as though they're having trouble conceiving. If your daughter would be happy going once in a while, it would be a lovely thing for everyone. I'm sure your SIL knows the difference between her own potential children and your daughter.

I have 3 children and when my nieces come along if I had the money and space I would love to do this for them, I wouldn't want to be there mum but I would want to be the best aunt I can be. Equally I have a friend who can't have children and has taken on my children in a much more familiar way than just a friend, it's lovely, for her and them.