SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

[Nik101]

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

I’d say no. Very weird and overstepping a line.

1 Forsorrow, 💙

She may not even stay there it is a warm idea. If you have a 2nd child you might regret not nurturing the relationship between SIL and DD. I am extremely close to my eldest niece now 18, Dsis was slightly jealous in the early days, when she had a 2nd baby 5 years later she was pleased her DD have a safe comforting Aunt to stay with, She still confides in me.
The novelty wore off with all subsequent nieces and nephews.

I think it’s weird, and I think If you have any reservations you should voice them now. Better to be honest in the situation about how you truly feel, rather than allow something that you’re uncomfortable with which might turn into a bigger problem later.

Yep we have a largish house ample for us, too big sometimes and sometimes too much to clean.. 😄 but I am still very grateful With what we havexxx I guess I am trying to say that the material things do not matter but worrying about upsetting everyone is difficult too.. 💙

Listen to your gut reaction. If you think the offer in these circumstance is overstepping the mark, then it is.

I'm genuinely shocked at the responses here. I think it's a lovely thing for your daughter and SIL. I have a really small family, I would absolutely love it if there was someone else who cared so much about my children that they wanted a room for them at their house, I wouldn't see it as taking over at all. Also, as someone who has experienced infertility and could easily have ended up with no children of my own, I would absolutely let someone in your SILs shoes have as much involvement with my children as they would like, infertility sucks.

My opinion of course, but I really see no harm here, I can only see it as beneficial for everyone involved.

The usual childless woman bashing on here again I see.

I'm an aunt to five nieces and nephews. I don't have much of a relationship with my brothers eldest children from his first marriage because his ex wife kept them away from my husband and I because she thought we would steal them as we were childless. I also think that there was a significant amount of racism in there as well as my husband was black. And no, we didn't want to steal them. We just wanted a relationship with two fabulous little humans.

My sister was very different and wanted us to be very involved in her children's lives. Both of them had rooms in our house that, as they got older, they had input in over decorating. They stayed whenever they/my sister wanted and when we could have them (btw childless people aren't just hanging around at home waiting for children to come we have lives and work too). When I moved to my current house (which has 6 bedrooms) after my husband died the children (teenagers then) made it clear that they still wanted a room each, chose the ones they wanted and had input into decorating them. In fact my nephew helped me to decorate both rooms. They used and still use my house as another place to crash and my nephew has moved in as he's at university nearby.

I also remember realising that my niece was eating something at my house when she was very young that she refused to eat at home, so I told my sister and luckily she didn't take umbrage at being told what her child liked but just thought it was funny. Likewise my husband taught both children how to play cricket and the rules of the game and enjoyed watching and playing with them whilst their father was a rugby man.

Aunts and uncles do know that the children aren't theirs. Infertile people aren't deluded and just because our reproductive organs don't work, it doesn't mean that we don't know how to look after kids, learn what those children like and often discover things about that child that the parent doesn't know - it's not taking over, it's just building a relationship.

Aunts and uncles do know that the children aren't theirs Of course they do. This thread is bonkers. I think it is a very important relationship to nurture.
No one knows what will happen in life, I know if I died tomorrow my DC's Aunts are very special to them, I find it very comforting that they have love in different corners of the extended family.
My eldest niece 18 she was my entire families pet now she is a strong confident young lady, with no doubt she's loved.

Aunts and uncles do know that the children aren't theirs

I think it’s as prejudiced to say that all aunts only want to love their nieces and are not going to cross the line, than it is to say all aunts cross the line. The line is who is the parent.

We can’t say that OPs SIL is respectful about who the parent is, as she’s already being a bit of a parent. She’s over stepping her role. Boundaries are hugely important, for many very good reasons.

There are red flags in this case, the biggest one is making a bedroom for a 3 year old when there are no agreed plans for her to stay there, and she hasn’t even run this by the mother. That is bonkers!

And as I’ve said before, I ignored red flags with my SIL who did try to alienate me from my own child in the end. Unfortunately it does happen.

I think you have to go with your gut. If it feels weird there is probably a reason for that. Perhaps if SIL and MIL behaved in a different way generally it would feel like a nice gesture, but context is everything.

Lots of families operate in a simple loving way, others are more complicated. At the end of the day she's your daughter and you get to choose how much time you and others spend with her and how that works. I don't think it's fair for anyone here to guilt trip you into feeling bad about that.

There's a difference between your daughter seeing her extended family frequently (and twice a week seems like a lot already!) and having her own bedroom there imo.