SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

[Nik101]

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

She's coming from a kind place but it's a bit over the top. Why not suggest to her that since your dd won't be staying very often that she sets up a more general guest room but in a colour your dd likes best, so on the few occasions she's there she enjoys the room.

I think it sounds like a lovely idea, how lucky your DD is to have an extended family that love her and want to include her in their lives. I always had my own room at my nans when i was little and I loved staying there.
Also I have been a loving aunt for the last 8 years, I'm now pregnant and I'm so happy that my DB and SIL didn't think I was odd for loving their DC even though I didn't have my own yet!

I think it’s a lovely idea. They havnt just gone ahead and done it! They have asked you. The assumption that they a going to start taking over is weird, unless there is something wrong with them why would you think they think like that.

My husband has always been extremely close to his aunt and uncle and often stayed with them as a child. It didn’t make his own parents any less important.

I used to stay at my aunts house probably every month, and go away with her once or twice a year. They had no kids, and she made the spare room like a special room for me. I absolutely loved it, and loved her. We had a great relationship. But she wasn't my mum, I never thought that. I'd get very excited about visiting her, but also love coming home. When I was a stroppy teen, her house was a bit of a bolt hole but she would always make me see things from my mums point of view.

I think your SIL is doing something lovely that will enrich your DDs life.

No I wouldn't be comfortable, if SIL is going to that effort she may want to increase the amount of times your DD stays. How are you going to feel if she prices staying at her aunt's because she has more stuff there and you have to say no. I remember my mother being upset when my sister didn't want to come home from my rich, childless aunt's place. Upset all round.

Isn't your daughter lucky to have an aunt who loves her so much. Aunt isn't stupid I'm sure, she's knows you're the mum, I can't see any losers in this situation.

I think it's lovely. Unless your SIL is trying to forcefully breastfeed her or your dd starts calling her mummy then i really think you are overthinking this. The more people a child has that loves it can only be a good thing. Your SIL asked, that to me sounds as if she is respectful of your authority as her dniece's mother.

Yes that is a bit weird unless she was staying there weekly and they wanted to create a home from home environment.

Its perfectly possible for it to be BOTH a lovely gesture AND make the OP uncomfortable at the same time. I get it OP.

Their motives are loving and its very sad they dont have kids of their own but I agree its a little "OTT" and it reads like they are trying to fill that gap with your daughter. That said, I wouldnt make a big thing about this because they are clearly hurting and love her alot. I'd let her stay over now and again but if I saw any hint of them trying undermine my parenting (eg going against what you want for your daughter) then I would definitely be saying something. Just see how it goes.

@Nik101 play it tactically and say you'd rather they spend the money on her with experiences like horse riding or something else maybe you can't afford? That way they have their 'thing' it's time constrained and probably supervised by an activity provider. Maybe rather than a straight no, say to them "let's see how things develop, there's no need for a room at the moment so save your money for XYZ (as above) as that will give DD more memories than a room".

How nice. My friend had a room at his aunts, he stayed there a few times a month, had some model railway things in it that wouldn’t fit in his house. He loved her very much and she him. She was childless, they had a very different relationship from his parents, she wasn’t trying to steal him
He was with her and his uncle at the end. And it meant an awful lot to him that they loved him through choice.

I'd say it would be lovely of them to design a room your DD would enjoy staying in but it would be better not to call it her room.

Just call it something else and she can stay in it now and she won't feel pushed out if they then use the bedroom for other guests or a child of their own.

That way they have their 'thing' it's time constrained and probably supervised by an activity provider

So not only is the aunt massively over invested but she is a danger to the girl too? You really can't win on MN, make an effort and you're controlling and trying to take over, take a step back after reading MN to be respectful and you don't care.

Wow, people being harsh as usual.

She's a good person who wants to be involved in her niece's life. Let her do her a room if she wants to, she's not taking over, your child won't suddenly turn into a materialistic little wotsit, she won't decide to move there, she will just feel loved as she clearly is and that's no bad thing

I would encourage her to make it a guest room suitable for children, rather than specifically for your daughter. As someone said, things might change if they do conceive, and even if not, it's probably better that your daughter doesn't feel she "owns" it or its contents. You might have another child, too.

Could have she meant more a child friendly bedroom?
Both sets of grandparents have converted one room into a ‘children’s room’ bunkbeds/single beds and desk for colouring etc, lighting etc
She mentioned it as a your daughters bedroom to make it more exciting for your daughter?
I really wouldn’t read too much into it.

I’d maybe put them off for now - so DD isn’t ready to stay overnight there yet, and you know how kids tastes can change - it would be better to wait till DD is old enough for sleepovers and then they could think about it.

What @Papoy said - just because she has no children of her own, you really don't need to read anything sinister into this. I think it's very sweet of her and I can completely see that she just wants to share some of the love around. Let her do it and if it ever becomes a problem then cross that bridge when you come to it.

Remember the aunt has 4 spare bedrooms, it's not as if she is sacrificing the one spare room she has and turning it into a shrine dedicated to the girl.

How often do you visit your sil? If frequently, then maybe make just a playroom, not a bedroom. If infrequently, then definitely weird.

Is she expecting daughter to stay without you? Most children would find that odd and strange at first.

I think your tingling senses are already tingling because you feel you sil (and mil) has already overstepped the mark, by being an authority in your child. This is just another step in that direction.

On a positive, at least they asked first. However, maybe suggest a playroom, or guest room where you can all stay ‘as dd wouldn’t like being left overnight by herself. Ie. Without parents (as she is still young)”.

As a mum, I’d probably be a little bit funny about it due to my DTs age (2) and my being a bit of a control freak, but agree to it because I feel aunts (and extended family) are important.

As a kid and adult (before she died) I adored my aunt and loved having an adult who wasn’t my parent who had my back. She was my safe place from the world which I’m lucky enough to never really had to have called on, but knowing that I always had a place with her no matter what I’d done was so brilliant and I didn’t realise how much until she’d died. We did so many fun things together, and I stayed overnight with her too as a kid. She was epic, and it’s impossible for me to say just how important she was in my life. She was my second mum ( I didn’t call her that until adulthood) but always knew my Mum and Dad were my parents, I love them and they’re awesome too.

So for me personally I’d be ok with it, because I’d want my kids to have a chance to have that bond and experience.

My sister doesn’t have kids but my DD has a bedroom at her house and a bedroom at my parents house! She loves it and feels very special x

My MIL started that way, doing a bedroom for DS, them complaining BIG TIME she had a RIGHT to have her GS around. Then came school... she put him in the waiting list of the school SHE wanted him to attend, she started demanding my son to stay with her for weeks during the holidays because, again, it was her RIGHT. She also complained because DS wouldn’t write letters to her or contact him by phone regularly.

Needless to say I’m now divorced, mostly because my MIL and SIL were the ones calling the shots in my marriage. After divorce I put my foot down and said no, firmly... so my SIL threatened badly enough for me to get a non molestation order.

We stoped talking for years, but we are in touch again... they are now offering to help pay for DS’ university expenses, our answer? NO WAY.

The moral of this story is that nothing comes for free in life, your SIL will start feeling she has rights in exchange of the gesture. Your DD has her own bedroom in her own house, if SIL wants to play happy little families. she needs to get her own doll.

I think I'd say it's a lovely idea but you don't think your child should take over a room in their house, and you don't would rather that, so far as she concerned, the only room that is "her" room is the one in your house. So perhaps it would be better if they simply use the room as a generic guest room.

That way they have their 'thing' it's time constrained and probably supervised by an activity provider

@Really123456 Why not a restraining order while you are at it? OP didn't say she doesn't trust her SIL with her daughter, you make her like she is a danger to the child?