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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

336 replies

Nik101 · 12/02/2020 16:51

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

OP posts:
Palaver1 · 13/02/2020 21:09

Arent you blessed what a lovely idea, lucky girl.
Youll be able to manage it ...

Oscarsdaddy · 13/02/2020 21:32

Sorry but it all sounds a bit strange to me

OK so it’s a five bedroom house but why would she want a dedicated room for your DD only to be used about six times a year ?

I can understand it being a general guest room but for her to make it purely your DD’s room would creep me out

LittleGsmum · 13/02/2020 21:47

Are you kidding me? We have no help, family don’t give a crap. Embrace the fact you have that do...that she wants to help raise your child. If you don’t. Sf d her here...I will cherish her. It takes a village to raise a child. It astounds me how people are so judgmental, so nasty about people that offer love, friendship, help, caring. It says more about you, your insecurity and your inability to accept love that the person this thread is discussing

Meaniebobeanie · 13/02/2020 21:50

If you don't feel comfortable with the idea then listen to your gut. I'm sure she is lovely and your daughter will have a great auntie relationship but if something doesn't sit quite right then go with that. I mean she could do a nice guest room but just for your daughter a little ott? Are you worried it could spoil her a bit? is she likely the top with it and gets her everything she doesn't have a your house? If she is a down to earth kind of person who is not desperate to have your daughter without you when ever she can maybe I feel ok it just depends on what kind of vibe i would get. Personally I wouldn't like the 'just for my child' room idea too much.

FamilyOfAliens · 13/02/2020 22:11

It takes a village to raise a child.

Do people actually believe this crap?

bee222 · 13/02/2020 22:31

@GeorgiaLove

Bite me

How lovely!

LittleGsmum · 13/02/2020 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mayjay16 · 13/02/2020 23:13

I agree with StAndrews School. Tell them she's far too young for sleepovers so no point in doing it. Maybe when she's a bit older.

Gbtch · 13/02/2020 23:42

Creepy. Follow your instinct.

Ferret27 · 13/02/2020 23:52

Honestly ... nothing to worry about .. you are the one there for your child’s every need , when they fall or need comforting, when they wake up in the middle of the night, when they come home from school ...a few days every year with another relative cannot ever touch that...
I say that as an auntie that looked after all my nieces and nephews an awful lot when they were little.... and less & less as they get older once parties take over and school friends become their priority...but we have lots of memories to share from those odd stay overs and occasional days out each year without their mum and dad who enjoyed a few lie ins over those early years... aunts and uncles are just that and can have a wonderful role to play...

Ferret27 · 14/02/2020 00:14

Thank god Astella and some other Aunties have put some seriously sensible responses on here to counteract some of the hysteria.... it’s your brothers home too and they will be able to build a special bond together with your child(REN) when you have more.... it’s nice to have aunts and uncles ..some people grow up & have no one as they are in children’s homes or in disfunctional families & in and out of care homes.... no one can take over from you because they spend a few days here and there with your child...

GlamGiraffe · 14/02/2020 00:23

Strange. If it's a big house. She can have a couple of different styled guest rooms and your daughter can decide which to sleep in if she ever stays. It definitely sounds like SIL is trying to take over a bit in the absence of her own child. You can have a relative to stay without them having their own specially decorated bedroom. I'd suggest a general room decor as your daughter "is continually changing her mind at a young age" and the room would be wasted for a once in a blue moon use. (Making it clear her sleepovers will not be regular).
I'd imagine SIL is trying to compensate for her current lack of her own child.

greenlynx · 14/02/2020 00:34

I would tell her: “No, thanks”.
I have very close relationship with my DN but this sounds far too much even for me.

GeorgiaLove · 14/02/2020 01:41

@bee222

Bite me

How lovely!

Isn't it time for your beddy boes, snowflake?

Harvestsquirrel1 · 14/02/2020 01:47

Why would they tell you how your daughter likes things? And if they don’t have children, why do they have such a huge house with all those rooms? It’s nice that your daughter can stay over once in a while, but to have her own room there is kind of weird unless she plans on living there.

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 02:24

@Anuta77 very wise words OP I’d pay particular attention to her post.

The way you are taking, ‘of course I want them to have a close relationship’ and ‘of course DD can stay every couple of months’ It sounds as if you are being nice and polite. Especially as you said that the bedroom ‘sounded like a nice idea’ when you were basically bamboozled.

You need to be firmer than this, no matter how impolite you feel. Your SIL is being firm and assertive, she’s making a bedroom already! Without even asking if DD can stay, let alone have a permanent residence. So you need to match it by being just as assertive back. Your DD is only 3.

No one is saying your SIL is an evil child snatcher and you don’t come across as if you feel like this either OP. However like Anuta said, it is quite important to stand up to pushiness in order to prevent escalation or you feeling so overwhelmed one day you end up having a big fall out.

My teenage stepdaughter tried to undermine me and I was made to feel ridiculous. These things happen and when we are too polite or nice to say anything, they escalate.

I’ve had this too anuta- sometimes bossiness runs in families and my SD was so bossy even DH would tell her to stop trying to be the parent to our baby. She shouted at me once for not getting her to babysit. Shouted!

And OP my SIL also felt I’m sure she was acting out of love. She got really carried away with my DD and if she could have cut me out of the picture she would have gladly done it. That is how bad it can get.

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 02:25

Talking sorry not taking

Feefsie · 14/02/2020 09:51

You are very lucky to have your family close by and your daughter can have a loving relationship with her Aunty. I live a long way from my own family and in-laws so am quite jealous. Children need love and support from lots of different people and having a close relationship with her Aunty can only be a good thing. Raising kids is hard and nuclear families make it harder. There’s lots of stuff online about how much richer people’s lives are when they have an extended family.

Ilovechinese · 14/02/2020 09:52

I would ask her to make it a room for both you and your daughter and say as she is so young she will not be staying anywhere overnight without you. I agree with others that is sounds over the top and creepy. Why would she assume she is going to stay over so much she needs her own bedroom if she has never stayed with them before?

coconutpie · 14/02/2020 11:06

No no no no. This has alarm bells ringing all over - she's overbearing, she tries to tell you what your DD likes, etc (as if you wouldn't know, you are her mum!!)

Your DD is 3. I wouldn't even be telling her she can have sleepovers at SIL's house every few months - that's way too much of a commitment as it is. I think it's really weird that she wants to set up a full room and do a nursery for her. Trust your gut on this one. Say no. I'm not a fan of sleepovers anyway - 3 is way too young, in my opinion.

LittleMissMe99 · 14/02/2020 11:17

I think it's lovely of her. Your daughter is much loved. They're not taking over, they're just being amazing Aunties and Uncles. I'd be very grateful

tallah · 14/02/2020 11:20

It is a bit odd but I wouldn't want to upset her by saying anything. Not sure how it can be put without being very upsetting. I would let her do the room but be clear about how often you want her to stay over. It's lovely that she wants her to stay over and that bit isn't weird at all. Just making a room especially for her is a little bit.

Mumgonenuts2020 · 14/02/2020 11:31

Papoy I agree with your response totally and infertility is very serious and sad even 15 years ago it was a hot topic, it may look selfish especially when I was easy to conceives and probably a bit spoilt as fell easily with both, and I would say now the views have changed and more success strories Through treatment and help from GPS and private support, these days, the mindset is still there of people viewing what you describe but I never shared my concerns with my sil and she chose to be single and concentrate on her career and earn a high figure salary and buy a a lovely house and she worked hard for it she also has met someone now who has a little boy and hopefully she will fall quickly if she decides to with health issues as well. I am pleased for her.. I held back and let her look after both my DC’s I think people are trying to say that as they get older especially my 11 year old he doesnt want to sit at my parents or GP or relatives these days it is the same with my own sister and parents not just my Sil and DH parents. My youngest is 7 and would love play dates with her step nephew From time to time, but it is difficult to do this all of the time as a family when at the weekends they are doing things and this is difficult especially with grandparents they want to do the same. We are encouraged by advice them to have hobbies, Keep active and join in Socially as they get older they don’t want to just visit the house and play with toys!! these days have gone now.. we can talk about this until we are blue in the face, but has an impact on everyone these days friends and relatives.. xxx💙

1forsorrow · 14/02/2020 12:03

And if they don’t have children, why do they have such a huge house with all those rooms? Because they want to have a huge house, because they can afford a huge house and because people without children have as much right to have a huge house as anyone else.

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 12:38

it is a bit odd but I wouldn't want to upset her by saying anything.

One thing I’ve learnt over the years is that if you don’t want to say something for fear of upsetting someone, when it comes to YOUR OWN BUSINESS (whether that is work, your children, your life)...
then you really really HAVE to say it. It is a clear sign of being railroaded.

If it didn’t feel that you were upsetting your SIL by telling her No, then ironically this is a good sign that there isn’t a railroading at all.

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